I miss your supple kiss and warm cuddles
And the simple bliss , of pressing my cold toes,
Against your hot calf, I couldn’t lie I miss that.
I don’t miss your blind rage or the pain you
Portrayed while doing small things,
I don’t miss all the things you’d say strange
Beguiled and out of place loud and rough and in your face.
I do miss the gentle way you’d trace my face,
The softest breath when you said my name.
I do miss who you were, sincere, genuine.
I do not miss who you became.
I don’t dear you just weren't the same.

The ground shakes when my chest aches like I swallowed something cold.
And my toes curl and the room swirls I falling to my knees,
I have to stop  remind myself how important it is to breath,
I keep my eyes wide and steps wider and hope I’ll get to see
And the trees say to hold still,
when I’m running way to fast but the past
Chases and my knees shake because thoughts of you are fast.
The first thing and the middle thing are all to avoid the last,
The last thing is the same thing is facing my recent past.
Its hearing your voice echo
through the caverns of my mind,
Telling me you’re leaving me
And that I wasn’t worth the time.
And the ground shakes when my chest aches like I’ve swallowed something cold,
And my mind thinks my hearts torn and it must be gushing blood,
The wound reopened thoughts spinning right against the surface,
I start to questioning everything, myself, my life my purpose.
But then the ground shakes when my chest aches like I swallowed something cold,
And I realize through my cold sweat that this will too grow old,
And each time the ground shakes I’ll be closer to the ground,
And I’ll outrun our memories,
Your sent your smile your sound.

Paper frogs hoping through soft memories
Of smiling and reading up every delectable word
Your tiny messenger had to say, just another way you
Saved me every day.
A paper frog perched on the top shelf
Of our locker and the little note
Brought sparks back as you approached.
Making my heart beats harder.
The swarm that caught me after my stay away.
Just response to heartache and distance
Our own way to stabilize and build resilience
Resistance against the corrosive insistences of life.
You just left it all behind, you left me.
But I still find ways and reasons through
Life’s seasons to brighten days with
The broad  head and little legs
Of the creased paper with ink stains
In the shape of a frog for smiles sake.
They have replaced invitations,
Goodbye letters, reminders notes,
A Christmas card to my cancer fighting
Grandma who smiled so hard I had to make others.
Made a couple for my brothers
And all along thoughts of you always hover
Right  there at their creases.
Perhaps it’s just the bit of you, you left in me
Showing through all my broken pieces.

I can’t believe you could just let go.
Like we were nothing, like I was nothing.
I can’t believe you would show me a picture of how things could be,
If you didn’t want it and I’m haunted,
By your memory, every time my heart beats I murmur stop it,
And softly my breathing reminds me I’m not enough
I wasn't worth trying for,
And that’s almost as bad as knowing who you where,
And that you think he wasn't worth trying for.
Everything you were, everything you wanted,
It’s nothing now,
We’re nothing now,
You
are nothing now.

It took three seconds for you to shift my universe to lift me
Like a soft breeze under soft falling leaves closer
To a sun lit sky.
It took three months of try after try time after time,
Chasing anxieties with soft sighs, chasing hot gilt
With forgiving eyes .
It took all of my trust mustered together and all your warmth
And golden patience for me to find my worth,
For me to take this new love and give all of what I had left.
It took
A thousand sweet words to heal the hurt that ached within my chest.
And time , it always took time.
For me to give you the best me I thought I would never be again.
I was new and precious ,
coal under pressure deep beneath ground,
Until you dug me out wash me off and found
I glistened, and when I listened I really listened
I loved to hear you talk.
It took
All my patience to love you,  all my endurance to face mistrust
all my strength to recuperate from all the promises you freely made
just to break .
It took all I could give to satisfy what you’d take
it took my everything to feel adequate when the easy way was your only way,
it took perseverance to hear it and try to deny that voice in the back of my mind
And **** it to tell myself that I was worth more than  A friend you had *** with.
It took you to pull me up remember you’d call me your angel?
Well I had to grow wings to move on , the grounds to unstable.
It took you cutting me lose to face the sky willing and able.
It took realizing you were so weak, infantile, and feeble
To believe in the core of me I’m smart strong, capable.

My pen has no eraser
its end inks over my soft skin
etching errors over the places I've been
inscribing the essence of the sins I've sinned
My poems saved me
like tattoos that allow me to
explode poetry into the external
to be remade, remodeled
like a sprinkle of ink syllables
creative release in the form of an ink fit.
I'd leave it if I could, I'd want to and I would.
But simply I can't stand and that's the stance I’ll take.
And its how I get by day after day .
my poems save me.

Waiting, like molecules slowed in crisp heavy air,
Like earths rotation has been compromised.
The clock has all but stopped its ticking,
Anticipation alive and writhing, sticking
To the moment before it, sighing
Licks its wicked lips, it’s smiling.
I swear its trying to **** me,
waiting for water to rush
Over and replenish this parched earth
Is like waiting for a cure
The day after death has
Rendered me stiff and ridged.
Riga mortise over and done with.
I wonder how many times
That I can die before
You will warm me with your kiss.
I miss you