I love you more than the air I breath,
Than the sun and the moon,
You so kindly do hang,
I’m in love with your sigh,
And the stars in your eyes,
And how no one could love me this way.
The problem you see is me loving me,
I’m afraid and as scared as I can,
That I’ve found a man
With a gentle hand and full hearty plan
Who gets through life just as anyone can
But loves me more than
I could  understand,
I’m always afraid that he’ll leave,
not that I can’t see
What his promises mean,
Just that when I look in the mirror
It couldn’t be clearer
he could do
A lot better than me.
no, the man adores me.
I just wish I could look and
see me , as he sees.

I look at myself in the mirror.
Naked as I have ever been,
Skin exposed to yellow light
And exhausted dreams buried
Under the purple skin beneath my eyes.
I stand there flesh on bones,
Light porcelain skin lightly
Kissed tan by the suns golden rays,
My hair a mess and my head in a haze.
I am alien,
I hate myself, I could scream it,
I mean it enough.
My skins soft, but inside I’m broken,
I’m rough.
I hate
The way my skin layers over
The hole in my chest, the delicate
Curve and bounce of my breast,
I think maybe once I was beautiful.
Inside I am in ruin, what I was
Has crumbled to dust, and my fluid curves
Just don’t look like much
When I see my reflection
as a dead shallow husk.
I find I hate the things I loved
When I can see them this way.
All of the things I loved about me,
Are nothing, are broken , fake,
I am so much uglier under
The relentless light Of my mistakes.

My greatest shame
Is the way I talk to myself,
Admitting that I don’t love me
Half as much as anybody else.
And thinking every day,
How everyone who loves me
Would chose somebody else
On a rainy day, If hard pressed.
And that I’m not worth the effort
Of the ones I love to stay.
And remembering how in love I used to be
With who I had become.
Now I’m facing every day feeling
Like I’m the only one
who has ever come undone,
when the ones they most loved
all turned to run.

I miss you you know.
you were my best friend, back then I thought for sure you were god sent, something about you stayed when everything else in my life seemed to shift and I was down right scared. My head blared and fear stirs the air, it's a heavy scent. You stayed and others went, you came when my will bent when my heart broke, when emotions welled and I started to choke. I was there every second you tested my resolve, I was there when you staled in the last moment before lashing out, loud shouts you called harsh names, aimed to pain and for awhile I wondered if we were both insane. But we always got out you and I , we stayed the same. Life killed my faith in **** near everything. I'm so alone tonight and yesterday, hell I've been alone a lot of days and you came. Unannounced for a moment to fleeting to feel healing just long enough to see me not cry until the door clicked.
I miss you, you know. And i hope more then I have let grow in a long time, that tomorrow you can take a day and let me feel, like someone I used to know. Take a few hours and a hug two ears and smart *** remarks to rekindle a spark in myself I let die in the dark. Just a day to say that i'm not completely alone and that we haven't changed.

I have people who understand me.
sometimes,
I have red sunlight bringing me up and breaking through clouds
some days,
I have my own sun rays to chase
and i'm proud in most ways
of who I have become
and I've done things,
I've said things that could have left unsung
un-flung clean from dirt and
Dry hung instead of smeared in raw pain hurt,
With my tear soaked words.
Sometimes familiar voices soft as angle feathers seek me out.
But sometimes ...
well sometimes is not as good as right now,
when right now all that I am.....
is alone.

Take those decades of resentment
Rolling around in tortured minds
And set them just behind the heartache
Created out of silver piercing words
That were uttered so long ago.
Dress it up with red like all the
Blood that’s spilled from broken
Knuckles, and hearts torn through
Out our time. Let the snow
Place a blanket over hate
And old vicious addictions
Wrap it up in shiny nice ribbons
Pretty and so scantly hidden,
Underneath the green pine
The smell of hope squelched
By disappointment that can’t be helped
And the sort of familial dysfunction
circled around the Christmas tree.
The smell of food and treats
The sound of jokes and laughter on the brink
For one to think they have been crossed.
For one tortured soul to think too loudly
That it’s too late, they are lost.
Balancing on the edge living momentarily
To the explosive nature and fast pursuit
Of broken people put together in a single room
Face to face with how reality
Has made them their *****,
Itching at demons
Screaming as there seeing that not the all of them
Could hold the Curtin up, and magic in
And let Christmas be Christmas for a kid.
But people don’t like to hear you don’t like
Christmas.
That snow melts in your socks
Or why broken glass reminds you of
Wrapping paper and ribbon.

As intimidating as a blank page,
So much nothing its overwhelming
A mesh of every color created into
The lull of empty space.
So much change it’s the same
Melting into the realization.
Nothing is everything.
Just a mess of choices, mistakes.
A dialog of faces, of familiar places
Time is all there is, it doesn't exist.
It doesn't mean anything.
But the illusions addicting
And I’m high off of you.
In this life, images of your body
Split words of color from your mind.
Spending quality time on the beach in your eyes.
The vibration of your resounding energy
Slightly tickling every square inch of me
Feeling electricity while
your tenderly kissing
my essence and reassuring me
of my presence and my own existence.
Fitting closely against the love
You so boldly drove into me
Filling voids while bringing me
To the brink of happiness, joy, and ecstasy.
Convincing me that lapses in time
And relapse in my addiction to
The thought of the human paradox.
Of existing in constant contradiction
Are not completely lost and somehow create direction.
And I don’t feel lost in our created heaven
And I must exist and you’re my only real-
My only worthy recollection.