her cold stair,
blank nostalgia draped with silent intentions
scalds me when her name is mentioned,
behind strained wishes,
taunted behind distant wants,
all caught up in my broken heart
subsides in my stomach tied in knots
all delicately laid in such a way
as to barricade  who I was
from getting to who I wanted to be
while day after day I strained looking
and trying, hoping and crying
until the moment I burst forth
in glorious flame they called me phoenix
I remembered my name
I gathered my strength mustered
every ounce of my courage and
let them go, tiped the scale, domino
tore the seem of my reality, gave my self
some room to grow.

He made love to me mid-day,
In passion I couldn’t replicate
If I wanted too, it happened
And like all original acts was great.
How come I can’t shake this feeling
That the earth shakes when I’m
Moving and my heads turning
But I still see straight, I’m smiling
But I wish desperately I could be crying
Relieve some pressure from my
Chest, a bomb about to detonate,
The haze is clearing why can’t I feel
Anything how it is, how I think it is,
How it was, does it count as insanity
If never breathing soul sees that side of me?
I mean inside of me, that’s a cloud lurking
Over what today ought to be,  
Considering all the ****** up insanity
In lives of those surrounding me, I think
I just need a little attention in a world
That doesn’t give a ****
About my day to day happenings,
That doesn’t give a **** about poetry,
That doesn’t really give a ****
About my feelings.
But at least
There is a caring, daring, strong man
In my gray shade life, who makes love like
Aurora makes me see colored lights
A nice contrast to a stark life.
I just wish
I could fix
Myself for
One *******
Good night.
So he could breathe easy and
Finally believe me when I say
He’s doing everything exactly
How he should be and I’ll be all right
He’ll never understand his kiss
Is magic but can’t just fix,
Nineteen years of brokenness.
And I’ll never feel right knowing
He never deserved any part of this.
It’s just a bad day , a hard one the one
You know the type that last an eon.
Breaks your hope that time goes on,
Keeps you up past one in the morning
Thinking about how
You can’t do it right, and you forgot to
Text the best part of everything
Goodnight.

haven't penned much of anything
the last few days,
my favorite pen went on strike
demanding more hours..
holding back every speck of
preciously needed ink.
or maybe it just ran dry,
and I need a newer one to do the job.
oh my
Is that ageist ?
I didn't mean anything by it..
oh look I guess this ones working again,
must not of cared for the bias.

I wish I could take your kiss
****** you with my hungry gaze
pull you down hard by your need
gravitational pull speeding
Straight down toward ecstasy
landing ******* your knees .
wish I could make you moan
until your begging me please.
While I’m like molasses
Smooth slow and sweet,
creating anticipation good enough to eat.

I wonder how that soft glow
You ware like mouth watering
Cologne and fresh baked cookies
Still permeates the are around you
I miss you I wish I could have you.
Wish I could tie you up and
Capture it, just a tiny bit
To keep me warm on nights
Your to far away to feel.
I wish I could let my words
Turn soft on my lips so
You would know there real.

I was dust on the bottom of your
******* shoe
The aglets of your untied
***** mangled lace
Grinding violently on my
Unnoticed surface space,
And I just sat there clinging to
The part of you , you’d let me see
Wishing to be something.
Seems silly now that I didn’t know
If I wanted to grow up
All I had to do was
Let it the **** go,
Lay on musk moss and dirt
Forget the things I said
About being hurt and hard
Get over myself and see that  
I’m so ******* perfect
Sensational, inalienable and only
Every fool I’ve ever known wouldn’t love me.
My self included sorry.
Maybe I was made to fall apart,
Crumble to dust, spontaneously combust
Die and when  buried  
Discover the seed in the dust
Burst forth in green sprouts
In search of sun rays
After sun rays
Like new growth
After hard rain
Or flowers
Escaping sidewalks chains
Braking through like new days
I have fresh tears
Over growing pains.