“What I like most about relationships is hope. Hope for tomorrow. Hope for the future. Looking forward to every single day, looking forward to waking up and talking or falling asleep and dreaming of them.
Relationships are not just about living in the moment. They are not about looking into each others eyes and seeing love, but looking toward a future and seeing love. And it’s not that I don’t want a future with you, it’s that I can’t even see it.
When I close my eyes I imagine being with you, but only from our past. I want to see us in the future. I want to see us lying in bed next to eachother and laughing at the coffee with spilled on the new sheets. I want to see us making meals together and walking the dogs at twilight.
But all I can see, all I can think about, is every moment I’ve spent with you. Every moment I’ve been with you. Every glance, every smile, every touch, every kiss, every time you whispered my name as I pulled you closer.
My mind never drifts to tomorrow- like it should- it drifts to the past. And the worst part is I can’t tell you. If I ever told you about my inability to see a future I know what you would think. You would think that means I want to say goodbye. You’ll think that means I don’t want you to keep calling and your name to keep showing up on my screen.
I want you to give me a future. Give me a tomorrow. It doesn’t have to be much, just one little thing I can hold on to; that can poke a hole in the darkness in front of me. I look at you and part of me wants to cry because I can only see the past. I can only see the memories. I can’t see tomorrow. So just give me a few words so that I can be a little less sad and I can see a little more future.”
-bcg (an excerpt from the book I’ll never write)