I almost told you today.
I am so tired of not telling you.
I changed the subject, I averted eye contact, I stayed strong.
We talked about your favorite Disney movie and the way I talk to my radio and we laughed.
I walked home alone.
I poured a glass to forget having to look away.
I am so tired of not being yours.
I love you and I almost told you today.

I'm still here and you're there.

If I had known it was the last time we would talk, I would have said something more important that goodbye.

When I was ten
I thought I knew what love was when the boy next door followed me home after class one day to kiss my cheek and run away.

When I was thirteen
I thought I knew what love was when the boy I played soccer with said he liked the way my hair fell in my face.

When I was fifteen
I thought I knew what love was when the man I thought of as a teacher told me I made him feel young as he slid his tongue in my mouth.

When I was seventeen
I thought I knew what love was when my best friend told me he loved me, but he didn't want to sacrifice our relationship.


I don't doubt that I felt love in every one of these instances, but I didn't feel true love until I was curled up in a blanket at 4 in the morning telling you about all of these people and knowing you would never be a story I told someone else.

You never felt much.
You can turn your feelings for me off like flipping a switch.
You compartmentalize and focus on one task, while ignoring the other.

You forget about me, I know you do.

I feel everything.
Every word, every forgotten call, every missed message.
I feel everything.
And I can't turn off your blue eyes in the back of my mind.
I can't forget you, like you can forget me.

But that doesn't mean I don't spend every empty bottle trying.

"I'm too young to feel this empty."

"We all are."

i'm* halfway in between

deciding i deserve more and giving up on whatever "just talking" means

or being the one person in your life who always responds because

i love you, but maybe you won't love me until i love myself