TRUTH IS I AM LIVING A LIE
AND I SEE YOUR UNFORGIVING EYES
EACH TIME I CLOSE MINE
I AM A UNIVERSE OF MISUNDERSTOOD MISTAKES
AND DRIED UP ROSES
BUT IF YOU LOOK
CLOSE ENOUGH
YOU WILL SEE GOD*

i've done all i want to do before i die besides seeing the world and falling into requited love but this world, this life, this universe seems to have some ****** up plan for me and i'm not so sure what it is. there was a time when i believed i could change the world but then the world changed me. i am swaying like trees in the wind and my eyes are closed and i cannot hear them calling my name over the sound of the shore that begged me to stay, although i have not seen it since the late fall, and now it is late winter and there is snow all around me *bury yourself inside of me it is cold in the wind but warm under my skin, i promise i will share. we spent evenings huddling for heat and we spent mornings under sheets, under each others skin. now i am alone and desolate but that does not make me any less whole or any less real. i am a human being and we all need love.

keep your eyes on the prize
when i grow up i wanna be on the other side of the desk
i want to be the one in the spinning chair
eyes locked on the couch
i want to see this prescription work it's magic
on the lost and the losing

i want my words to be sanctity
the color of my eyes to be warming souls
i want to hold them close but with hands tied behind my back
i'll let my own demons out to play with theirs

ink on the skin never mattered to him
i want to have pages on shelves
i want my words to be serenity

i'll smile with purity and sincerity
the lies and the truths all lined up to dry
oceans wont call my name anymore, instead
i'll be singing to its tides

it's not so hard to be on my own anymore
i can breathe again

the little games your mind plays, like when daddy screamed about how much he loved the windshield wipers in that old, old car. it is probably a mere scrap of metal now. you spent the afternoon on a bridge, in the forest, now your fingers are slow and a vibrant cold against the warmth of your kitchen. my first memory is a photograph. it gets easier to be alone the longer you are, i have found. we see the same constellation every night, Aryan lined up to greet us as soon as night falls. he takes over her like ivy on trees, wrapping its tendons tight around the skin, suffocating, asphyxiating. they say every person has a mind of their own, the contest between strangers; who can hold the steadier gaze? do your eyes glaze over at the sight of a smile? or do you match it with one of your own? the interaction between strangers is my purest form of socialization, the ease, the comfort.
the little games your mind plays, playing tricks on you all **** day.

i bite my tongue often
regularly grind my teeth
like butterflies, they slip out of your fingers
right as you caught them
they want you to bury it all beneath
and ignore what hollow ache lingers

hurtful words spew from a once-love's lips
my jaw aches
the ego stays intact
don't know where my bones will fit
live with my mistakes
the time has come to face the facts

misuse of vibrant words
wasted on the deaf
tell me, have you heard
about how my life is just a mess?

my room sighs with the loss of you
the love it saw between cold sheets
lingers no more
the pillow sobs its last
when it realizes it will hold your head no longer
blankets curl up, lonely
knowing it will not wrap around you again

your warm skin felt like the summer breeze
every cell sang in unison
for the passion they recalled
your mouth is a sea of irrevocable mistakes
just give me one more taste

your fingers in and around me
played me like the puppet i am
where guilty pleasures are all we know
the crack of hollow bones

my body is useless
without yours beside it

the evening sun kisses me goodbye
when the smoke rises
and tears fall

come over and stay
for just a little while
we can watch the rain fall
with our brown eyes

i'll make you tea
with ice cubes in it so as not to
burn that heavenly mouth
i found a home in months ago
but you packed my bags and through them
out on the curb,

foreheads pressed together with your eyes locked on mine,
you say "stay strong"
when you are my sole weakness

white powder and green flakes
oceans rush in after your wake
i can't stop with the poisoned lungs
and the blisters
or the lines on my throat

angels and devils
all lined up to see me fall
this was nothing
to you

2012
the boy was like sun rays falling from a blue sky. his hair was shining blonde and flew in the wind, his eyes were the perfect blue, azure like a pure sky, tranquil like a warm sea. he was bones and skin, but knew not the weight of sin. he was on a quest for ataraxia, he was selfless, he was kind. he had wings and a halo shining above his blonde head, he was my guardian angel for a year and 2 months. he was the ambulance, he was the desire. he was the first. when the "hospital" prison gates came clamoring shut on my face, he ran far, far away. he found another shining blonde head with sky blue eyes to bury his love into. the distance was our downfall.

2013
the boy was earthy, he was brown eyed like oak trees, his veins the limbs, his heart the roots. i poisoned him with nicotine. we kept our brown eyes in the forests with polluted rivers running astray, we told our secrets with no fear. he was selfish, he was keen on his own way. he could not see past his own eyes. brown and murky was his world, diseased ones followed him home. he tried. i tried. we failed.