driving down a windy road 35 miles per hour at seven thirty in the evening with flowers and balloons in the back seat shouldn't have ended with me being suspended sideways for thirty minutes while they tried to make it safe to get me out of what was left of my first car and no matter how many times i draw a bath i can't get rid of the feeling of my left hand covered in my own blood and the small slivers of glass that are still in my hands or the swollen over-sized bruises that adorn my legs and my face  

and regardless of the scent of lavender and apples i cant look at my damaged body anymore

did you ever really love me at all?

I trusted you
Wholly and genuinely
I told you things about myself
That I couldn't bring myself to
tell others,
and you tore me apart
from the inside out
manipulation and betrayal
don't have the connotations
to how badly you've hurt me
I love you and I love you and I thought you did too
but actions speak louder than words,
and I don't know if I can forgive yours
and maybe that's why I can't
run away from the taste of blood in my mouth
and the blood in my hair and the blood in my favorite sweater
there was so much blood,
and you weren't there

there's nothing quite like
a blood soaked sweater
and a near death experience
to put in perspective
i deserve so much more

it's hard to face the eternal grandeur of the cosmos
where every dark, empty space is full of mysteries
that are unfathomable distances away


i wonder if the star i'm looking at tonight
in the space on it's left, a couple million light years past
has a planet with a being
who feels the same things i do
while looking at the sky

i feel the ache deep down in my spine
and i take whatever i need
to pass the time

you're more than aware
i can't tell if you care
or if you tried

it's easiest to summarize
you know what i want
you know what i need
i'm here when you want
and i'm here when you need
but where have you gone?

i dream of a death that is reminiscent of sleep,
too deep
to be
in control
and to keep
my mind away

and maybe i will find relief within