and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

It’s been approximately 4 weeks,
29 days ,
696 hours,
1002240 minutes
and 6013440 seconds
since you’ve left
And since then,
I’ve never met a boy like you.

Of all they boys I’ve met,
None of the speaks like you
None of them gives the jokes that you give
None of them says “You've got a million dollar smile”
And their eyes don’t say “It’s alright.”

It’s been It’s been approximately 4 weeks,
29 days ,
696 hours,
1002240 minutes
and 6013440 seconds
since you’ve left
And of the 4 boys I’ve met.
None of them,
None of them are like you.

I like how you overlook me like I’m a dwarf,
I like how you act as if we didn’t have a past.
I like your sly remarks
And how you’re ready to say you’re sorry rather fast.
I really like how you've dislodged me from your head
And how you ignore all the words we've said.
But you know,
I can bet you a thousand kisses,
That you wish I was dead
And a thousand more that you want me in your bed.
Oh how I wish that this could end
Oh how I wished that we were friends,
Oh how I wish that we could forget-
Forget it all and have no regrets.
But I’ve learnt that wishes-
they don’t always come true.

I loved and i lost

I gave and i lost

I loved you and i lost

I gave you my heart and i lost.

I gave you my heart

So you could take care of it

I wanted you to hold it into our hands

I wanted you to treat it like a baby

But instead you played with it.

But it's partly my fault,

I should have realized when you used the word 'play'

To be honest you used it almost every day

Playing a game

Or playing football

Or playing dominoes

They were all the same .

It was a sign

You were always playing

Probably up until today you still think this is all a game.

WELL THIS IS NOT A GAME !!

IT'S NOT A GAME WHEN THE PATCH THAT'S LEFT AFTER YOU TORE MY HEART FROM MY CHEST,

BLEEDS EACH DAY

IT'S NOT A GAME WHEN I WRITE MYSELF TO SLEEP

IT'S NOT A GAME WHEN I'M NOW LOOKING AT THE WORLD WITH HATE

IT'S NOT A GAME CAUSE THINGS ARE NOT THE SAME !!

IT'S NOT

I'M HURTING

MY MIND HURTS

MY BODY HURTS

I CAN'T MOVE

I'M NUMB

BABY IT'S NOT A GAME WHEN SINCE THE DAY YOU WALKED THROUGH MY LIFE'S DOOR

NOTHING'S GOING WELL

IT'S NOT A GAME WHEN I'M IN THE OCEAN OF DEPRESSION

AND I'M DROWNING

It's not a game when after 15 days

I still call you my boyfriend

'Where's my bf ?'

'My boyfriend' this and 'my boyfriend' that

It's not a game when i have to be correcting myself

By screaming "HE'S YOUR EX YOUR EX !!!!!!"

Maybe it's because i still hope that we have a chance of being together.

It's not a game when I'm left with nothing

It's not a game dear

It's not a game

I loved and i lost.

Now that we're done

And now that you've left

I've come to think

See and breathe more clearly now

You see i now realize that i was just drunk

Addicted and high.

I was under your influence

But it has now cone to an end.

If only you knew how much nights i spend awake

If only you knew how how much i gaze at your face

I cropped the only photo I have left of you

And i stare at it for hours

And i enlarge it just to feel your presence

It makes me feel as if you're right here, with me.

And oh that smile

Oh how it drives me wild.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just not over you.

If only you know there are days when i need you

Days when I'm not okay

Days when i need you to make my day

And you're just not there

My heart screams and calls and rants and raves but you don't hear

In fact you don't even care.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just not over you.

If only you knew that i reread the poems i wrote for you

From the days when my mind had wrapped its fingers around you

And would not even let go

And it really hurts to know you're not the same

It hurts to know those days are gone.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just not over you.

If only you knew that I've been having sleepless nights

If only you knew that every night there's a fight between my eyes and I

If only you knew that the times i go to sleep

Are getting less

Last week it was minutes past five

This week the hours have decreased a lot,

The latest was 1:55.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just not over you.

If you only knew how much I've written about you

You're special don't you think ?

During our days of bliss

I wrote 12 poems,

Some you didn't hear

And after, which is now

I've written the same or maybe more.

If you only knew that i not only write about you with pens and pencils

Or in word documents

But I've written about you with blades on my wrists

Even my eyes have stories to tell

And if you look closely you'll be able to decipher them.

My heart also has one to tell and if you listen carefully you will hear.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just about getting over you.

Hi,

You must be wondering why i began with hi
It's because that was the first thing i said to you..
When i met you for the first time..
'Hi' with a silly 'boy I'm crazy over you smile'
It's funny how i kinda wanted this relationship to end,
Because i didn't feel ready
Or because i didn't think i could satisfy your aching soul,
Or even because i thought you were moving too fast,
Cause i was on a little bicycle
While you were in a Ferrari going at maxima velocidad- full speed.     

Now, I'm having sleepless nights And millions of fights with my twisted telephone cord mind
It's as if my mind is not capable of sleeping,
Since the day you left...
It's making a million enquires..
'Was i that bad?'
'Were my demands too much?'
I know i wasn't able to satisfy your needs,
Cause you wanted nudes
And all i wanted was love..
I guess our interpretations of love were different..

I miss you
I miss you

My heart cries your name each night
I think its voice is getting hoarse.
Cause i can hardly hear it anymore
My heart misses you
I ****** miss you..
I miss telling you what to do
I miss you falling asleep each night
And i miss cursing you for it the following day..

I miss telling you my poems
And I miss you telling me how much you adore them
I miss you being mean to me
I miss your silly jokes
I miss you talking about our make belief future
And how you wanted 16 boys..

I miss your stubbornness
And i miss you telling me 'k' when you didn't like what i said, like fifty times each day..

And i don't know why you left,
I don't know
You just said 'goodbye ms swan',
Like i was nothing
And you just just left me hanging there like the sigh in my breath
After you repeatedly do something that i told you not to do again..
I guess I'm just good at letting nice things go

I wanted you to fix me
But i guess no human can keep me  together cause I've been broken since i was born..

And to my surprise
I've never cried since the day you
left
Not over you and not over anyone
Cause i think my eyes are tired and they knew what was coming..
Instead of teared filled pillows and swollen eyes,
I experience a swollen heart mind body and soul
And millions of headaches..
I experience sleepless nights, ****** tissues and swollen wrists
I experience depressing songs and teary eyes
Cause yes, the tears do come, but they just fill my eyes
And then they disappear
Just dries up..
I wish my feelings for you were like that
I wish they'd just vanish.
I'm not always like this you know
No
Some days I'm like 'yes I'm over him' but then some days I'm like 'i miss him so much'

And to be honest,
I'm not usually like this
I'm not usually heartbroken, no
In the past, I'd make you sit and wait at the door to my heart
I'd make you wait,
And you'd bang and bang and I'd never let you in
But this time was different
You stole the key
You took it
I guess i should say you earned it ?
Or
You deserved it ? ..

But it really chopped me like
a sword when you gracefully danced out of my life
And since then I've written what 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
10 poems ?

I guess having someone is really a win win situation for a writer,
When they're here and when you're all in love and happy you have inspiration
And when they're gone..
You still have inspiration..

Why does it hurt so much to let you go ?
I know one day i will and that day I will be the happiest person alive.