can you be my sun on a cold, grey friday morning.

can you tell me that living means something.

i don't feel like writing anything good.

i just feel tired and sad.

i hear your voice in every
winter thunderstorm
reminding me that
you are the endless summer-
a tree with leaves that never
hide away,
the orange sunrise flower that never wilts.

I no longer remember
the number of freckles on your shoulders
the shape and place of every mole.
I no longer remember
your lips in longing
or *** twice in one day.
I no longer remember
my soul
bound by nothing
lying awake alone
eyes closed tightly on an
ice cold January morning.

the black night steals you away
and keeps you like leaves clinging to life
on an october morning.
your eyes, heavy and blue.
i trace the lines on your face from
last night's celebration.

you said
maybe i drink too much or not enough.
afterall,
there is no second course
in the art of forgetting.

there is sand in my soul
from every river bank and ocean's edge
i've ever walked upon.

the drugs they gave didn't cure our brains.
it's after midnight and i'm still thinking of you.
sick and sad, lost on the other side of town.
streetlights caress your hair
shadows steal your eyes away.

the sweetest lips, i remember.
i'll stay on the safe side tonight.

imagine in the dead underneath
a ghost
of every lie ever told.

you were always best at
turning brides to widows.

a nice companion,
the queen of forgetting.

the earth bruised your fragile heart.
i know you mean well but
waking this part of me
will destroy us both.

the day
i raised her
in sunlight and shadow
colors mixing on her lips

you reach out your hands
scooping up the sand from this
burial mound
falling slowly from the cracks
between your fingers,
my former life piled high around your ankles.

you are the countless pages
in books I've never read
rain soaked, sun spilling across
an August afternoon
pouring in hard through the window.

when you wake at noon
i watch your slow movements - your veins traced by sunlight.
the veil of night lifted from your tired eyes.
the open window reminds us of summer's end,
and the inevitable.

i loved you by the river,
your hair pressed into the rain-soaked sand and dead leaves.
caught up in the morning's faintest glow. the firefly lit evening.
of all my spinning thoughts, swirling and dying;
there was you.
my hand on your knee, i kissed you at the traffic stop.
you are blue and red all at once. both winter and summer.
a gift given in secret, tucked away into hollowed bones.

god is dead and i'm still breathing.
you lied and i stole.
the world was not what i imagined. you painted pictures and i fell for everything.
young, wide-eyed, afraid,
you preached about green eyes and love that wasn't
yours to give, but you
gave it anyway.

the same songs still ring in my ears.

once whole, you split me into
something i cannot recognize.

the fragments of my heart that are fused with yours-

the parts that make me love summer rain
and mourn for fall's last golden leaves.

the parts too heavy for our chest to hold,
sewn into our skin-
this is why we feel sick.
why we cry over nothing. why we fear. why we dread
the coming of morning. the new beginning that will never be that,
only lonely.
apathy carried in with evening's shadows,
the last light that always fades.

billions of stars and somehow our eyes hold the same ones,
telling the same stories. of love, and loss. and growing older.

i break
and slowly fall
your fingers resting, silent
playing piano on my bones
who am i to wish for anything more
than this.
love born of strife and regret.
the days have taken their toll.

the winter sits heavier now
stealing breaths that summer gave
we were too young, too soon
i took what i could not keep.

i watched you burning but did nothing.
rain fell around you and i captured it all
leaving you to turn to ash.

i wish that my bones were made of glass
so that you could see my heart
filled with only good intentions.

i would burn the whole sky to keep you.
capture the moon and cage it
using the light as a torch to find your eyes
glowing like stars in the black days that surround you.

the earth sways in winds
to which i have lost my mind and
all of my possessions
tides pull me from my sleep and
i can think of nothing else.
a dream of you carries me somewhere else.
to a place where the sun rises and never falls,
where my eyes never need rest,
the dark never captures me again.

i laid awake last night
telling you why i'm afraid of the sun.
afraid that one day it's going to implode and **** all of us,
or worse,
leave me burning in a nightmare that i never believed in
clawing and crying to find a way out
but there isn't one.

i thought that i was brave.
standing as tall as the sky
arms going up and up
for what felt like forever.
my whole life laid out
everything that i ever wanted
close enough to see but not reach
and in the blink of an eye
it's all gone
smoke and ashes filling my lungs
my eyes dripping blood
bones breaking and burning away

god came and i looked away.
i hope you take his hand.

the rain falls and the sun leaves
my great big blue sky
is gone and i can't remember
what it's like to smile

i was everything and nothing to you
i can never erase the things i did
the roads i took are still paved with
every decision
every regret
i can never rebuild
the bridges i burned


do you believe me
when i tell you i want to go back?

i wish that i could touch you now
hold your cold, blue heart
until it beats again.


i can't fix
i can't fix anything.

tired of comparing myself to
your past lovers
my friends
or girls on the street.
she always has what i never will
a younger face
a brighter smile
hair that curls perfectly
falling down past her shoulders
where she carries every little thing
so delicately, in perfect balance
while i am here
hiding from the world
wrapped in blankets and regret.

and just like the evergreen in winter,
i will droop and slump down into myself
waiting for winter to go.
i will remain among the living,
barely in bloom
so many of my leaves scattered at my feet
but enough remaining
to keep me breathing,
my eyes ever watching, waiting
for the first sign of spring.

i think of her.
when the night is long
and the house is cold.
i think of the warmth in her eyes
and the light that i took,
the piece that i kept. the piece that i burned.
the fire
that i lost myself in
the dying breath
the wish to try again.
to do better next time.

i will love you when i'm wild
when i'm sad
when the whole wide world seems too big
and the black night swallows me
i will love you in the peace of the morning sun
and when winter cracks my bones

i will love you when you cry
for your father and mother and for mine too
i will hold your hand
on the shortest days, the ones filled with joy
and the longest. full of loss, and regret
and deep despair.

i built a boat to sail us out to sea.
made of broken parts of you and me.
the flowers i collect each spring.
the rusty keys i can't part with.
twigs and bones from all my homes.
stones from the lake in the woods.

we paddled out with our hands
and our great big dreams
i watched you sleeping every morning,
the light inching closer and closer to your eyes
you shone so bright that i could see nothing else.
a girl wrapped in a halo,
her innocence spilling out into the sea.

one morning i awoke
i laid beside you, and awaited the light but it never found you
the darkness had swallowed you.
you were filled with shadows and sad things,
the kind of things that make you cry even on the good days.
that day i stopped paddling.

i sat with you. i held your hand. you were suddenly so afraid of the water. you said there were voices in your mind
and you weren't sure ******* them.

i fell asleep with my hands in the water.
when i woke up my skin was salt soaked, shriveled fingertips
i turned to reach for you
but you were already gone.

i put your heart back together
with god's golden hands
the moon's bluest light
i gave you fire to place inside your bones
to keep you when the winter comes to steal you away

you were wild, girl
don't let this **** you.
you have been ripped limb from limb
seams split so far that you can't find
where they end and you begin

i watched the world spin around you
you held up every constellation with ease
but then you grew tired.
i stood beside you and stretched out my arms
i reached and reached,
my hands lost inside the oceans

what i regret the most-
i didn't help you hold it up.

the sun is out but i'm afraid again.
afraid of who i've been.
my past plays in my ear like a broken record
stuck on one note, then moving on
and back around again.

i carried you in my heart.
tucked away in the darkest corner.
i kept you there
even after i broke you,
i collected your pieces
and pushed them into my skin
so that i would never forget.

how can my fingertips retrace my dreams?
i want to be someone different now
someone brave, glowing gold but dark as midnight
a girl hidden away, an impenetrable soul

no one can touch me now. no one can hurt me now.

i'm scared and don't know what is real.

it's almost 2am.
these pictures are helping me remember
the bitter cold,
the snow in west virginia.
the scarves you made,
the silver necklaces you wore.

the heart i left.
and the wings i broke.

how young we were then.
what little we knew then
about living, about loving.
most of all about letting go.

the moon shines bright
so alone in that great big, black sky.
i wonder if it ever feels like i do.

and i wonder if anyone can hear me anymore.

when you were made,
your bones were dipped in gold.
your hair formed from the grass in the sea.
you washed up, still breathing
but i found you too late.

there are things i've loved too fondly.
the cool kiss of summer's rain
the first day of spring
high tide sweeping across my feet.

much like you, they come and they go.

sometimes when you break things
you keep a few pieces around
to remember what you loved when it was whole,
to remember how you felt when you broke it.

i washed my bones clean but now the rivers all dried up
you dreamed my whole wide world and i saw it in your eyes
pale at first then deeper blue
i stood at the edge and the water swallowed me.

all i have ever done is hide.
hands sewn in pockets, veins tied in two
you said that love was black and white
but i added in the red and blue.
initials carved into my arms
the names burned across my tongue
until i hate the taste
of being used.

the darkness came.
it stole almost everything.
one day it asked if i could spare a little more.
it kept asking.
every day the voice grew louder and louder.
so loud that i began to give freely.
i gave and gave.

i invited the dark thing in,
to see all that i had hidden away.
i smiled at the new friend i had made.

year after year, it came to visit.
then one day i wondered how the sun would feel. i stumbled out toward the light but the darkness ran after me.
it ******* my hands and took the key.

the breaking heart
the dreadful night
i know what's next and that winter
will never really leave.
i lie here, wrapped up
this blanket fused into my bones
can i ever escape?

you said to endure every ******* season
every word you ever spoke split my skull in two
can you see it now? the part of me i can't change?
i bleed out but feel nothing.

winter is slowly killing me.

summer, bring my heart back in one piece.

every night i fight a war that i never signed up for
my mind, shrouded in darkness
my hands shake, so afraid

there is no breath in my lungs
there are no fish in my sea
the demons came and took my heart
split it in two
and then gave it back to me.

trees stand tall,
bare bones waving in the wind
reaching toward the sky
all winter long
waiting for the right moment
that one burst of sunlight
to rekindle what lies inside
tucked deep within the roots.

you never left my heart. you were just tucked away there, the tiny part of you that i kept.  waiting for spring. waiting for light.

this world still needs you,
every
last
drop.
the dreams you dream while the sun still shines
the bits of string that get tangled in your hair
your awkward smile when someone says you're beautiful.
every thing that i remember and the ones that i can't,
the things that i don't know now that we're older.

don't give up.

i was
naive to how much it hurts when heavy things land on your heart.
and how long they leave a mark.

i think of you often. not about the situations. not about the mistakes i made, or the things i wish i could but can never change.

i think about your laugh, the sound of your voice. your irrational fears.

i imagine how you look now. the light behind you, falling soft around your face. your hair shining like dust in sunbeams.

i keep imagining what it would be like to photograph you.'
you with your dented wings. your banged up heart.

the low-lying fog lit up by the streetlights
echoes
tree branches look like hands
reaching out as
winter comes to claim me again.

i broke the bread and drank the wine
but my hands will never be clean.

some days i feel this overwhelming urge to run.
run run run run run run because i'm afraid of something, of everything, of nothing.
run as far away as i can. until my legs break. until the engine blows. until my brain bleeds and i fall. all of me spilling out all over the ground.
run until i am nothing.
run to a place where it isn't just dark.

everything i feel is wrong. there is nothing but darkness in my head.
like being locked in a room with a voice calling you out, but you can't see anything and you keep stumbling around, your hands feeling for shadows and faces that you can only see in your mind.

i forget what is real. i forget who i was. they told me that i'm sick.
they said that all these parts of my personality are symptoms.

i think i will be the death of me.

i bet you don't write anymore.
and if you do i'll never read it.
i was sick and sad and i ruined everything.
you'd be surprised at what i still remember.

i romanticize who you were and where i've been.
god knows love sure as hell isn't what we thought it was.
for too long, i was young and stupid.
back when your hands were still in my hair.
i swept everything beneath the rug, for years it sits, hidden,
soaking into the floor.
when i speak of you now, "an old lover, a friend"
those pieces of december have long slipped from my hands.

your eyes were so god ****** beautiful
and i was a beast and a *****.
you were my eve, but i took the apple and gave it to the snake.

the world was mine. the whole wide world.
alone with your smile. me and you in your room listening to every song we'd ever loved.
you were my best friend then. but things got messy and i got lost.
a lot of words i wanted to take back, i couldn't.
tasting blood for years. biting back what i wanted. what my heart forgot.
loving you felt like jumping from the 4th floor balcony. broken but
i'll be alright.
"you are nothing without her" echoed loud and often.
i plugged my ears, your face won't leave. can i ever wipe this clean?

i stood by the shore
looking out into the sky
birds flying, clouds rushing past
and then i saw you
struggling, falling
your arms flailing, your wings burning
i ran out into the water and reached for you
your lifeless body floated toward me
the waves washing over you
your lungs filled with salt and sand,
wax fused with skin and bone.

i carried you back to land and closed your eyes.
Apollo's great sun now setting, glowing gold upon your face.
i cried, and whispered, "you made it.
those walls are no longer your home."

I was having an out of body experience last week and I asked Barbara to fetch me a glass of water and she fainted. She said that my lips were colorless and that she saw this bright light shining above me. I don't know too much about all that, but I might guess that I was dead for a minute or so. How can you ever be sure though?

I met Barbara back when I lived on 5th street and we were both into a lot of experimental drugs. It was a dark time. I feel like she's alright, you know? I've grown rather fond of her, anyway. She says she's been sober for a couple of years now. I guess she could've made the whole "out of body" thing up, but I remember feeling really off later that night. I didn't sleep for two days.

On Saturday we dropped acid for the first time in a long time and watched Nosferatu in the loft. I've felt partially responsible for her abandoning her sobriety. Lately it feels like I've been losing time. There are hours that I can't account for. That could all be in my head though.

the child forever still. motionless beneath the white moon. his tears formed the seas. otherworldly, spinning thread around the smallest finger. winding and winding, silver linings break apart. pieces of a life fall to the ground. cradled by the wind. carried over the earth and into the skies.

"you have always stood here, dreaming my whole world. i've sent word on the backs of sparrows. the lord of lonely, all you have written i would have erased.
born from dust and pushed to earth, i remember the stars like it were only yesterday.

can you help me make it home?"

the ground shrouded in white. the trees bare. the sun hidden.
i pleaded for Persephone to return.

I met a man once who told me that the soul is split into three parts.

the first, the beauty you carry on your face and in your flesh. eyes as blue as a cloudless winter. every freckled shoulder, every broken bone. the look on your face when you know you're finally home. that crooked smile, running arms outstretched toward the river. dancing in the rain.

the second, the voice with which to sing. every word spoken in love. the lies you tell. the regret stuck in your throat. and then screaming out to stay, when it's the last second of the last day.

the third, the season that brings you in.
how the sun falls on your face and that shiver from the bitter cold. the piece you can't control. the heart pumping blood. the brain's wires crossed. the longing for death. the infatuation with living, breathing. your fate to feel, to love, to hate, to fear.
life's arms open to receive you and death waits to keep you.

can you tell me now if i lied about the messes i make
of lives and homes and whole worlds trapped in hearts.
i don't know what i am now
the things i do are stitched upon my soul.
i can pull them out.
but the scars remain until the blood pools up
and fills them up again.

i was dying and you gave and you gave. i don't want to remember.

there are some things we don't talk about. falling in and out of love and back again. the world spins and i'm still standing here. stuck at the start. days spent wishing my heart would stop beating. no more green eyes in the morning sun. wishing that i could return to dirt and ash. to let my spirit go.
you can't follow her there.

can you take me.
can you take me!

fall to my knees to pray but my legs split open. blood is everywhere and i am nothing now.

you're running and crying out to god. you believed and i forgot.

you can't follow her there.

sinking and gasping, clawing toward the surface
water filling my lungs
blue lips and dead eyes,
i'm losing me with you.

i thought that this was everything. forever, for my whole life.
the faster my heart pumps, the more blood i lose.
blacking out and my head slams to the floor.
you pull me up and you're screaming
but i can't hear a thing.

my bones crack open under the weight of your hands.

the line separating who you are and what you've done is blurring.

when the world fell dark, i shuttered because i knew.
i waited for days by the sea. i wished foolishly for the sun's return,
for the warmth of your eyes.

on the third day, i found you washed up, your wings stitched together with golden fleece.
your eyes were bruised, lifeless, and your hair, covered in sand.
i carried your salt soaked body onto the shore.
your hands were scorched, flesh falling from the bone.

i gathered stones from the water and sharpened one upon the others,
and cut a hole into your chest.
i pierced both my hands and pressed them against you.
my head fell and i closed my eyes.
i felt everything from years away. all that you had lived,
the days you carried the light with you,
and the burden that it was.

you awoke to the skies calling your name.
your eyes burned as hot as the sun you once held. your hands, aching, but healed. i brushed the sand from your hair with my fingers.

i asked you how it had happened but you didn't remember. you cried so long, until i didn't know what were tears or tides.
you took my hand just before your horses came to claim you
and then you whispered,

"here i'll stay, gold.
forever gold."