oh, Apollo,

here i'll stay, standing straight and tall
arms out-stretched, reaching,
watching the day break over the mountains,
the moon arise from the sea at night,
and when the rain comes, it falls cold upon my face
and collects in my hands until it spills out upon my feet.

you lay your hands upon me.
your eyes burn right through my bones.
but every new day
you harness what you cannot keep,
gold. forever gold.
hold the reins as if they were my arms,
until, rain soaked, your hands slip away
and you fall,
writhing and wishing
for prayers unheard.

still i'll stay just the way you left me
until the earth washes from beneath me,
and i fall and rot away.

how does something i love so completely
flood my heart
full of absolute and perfect happiness
and break it in two
in the same breath?

the road less traveled is the longest one.
the waters i swim are the deepest.
but if my blistered feet keep walking
and i keep my head just above the waves
i'll find what i always knew to be true
and trash the ideas of practicality

there's some blood in my words.
there's a hand in mine but it's not yours anymore.

i have a bucket filled with all the things i should've done
i dumped it in the river and watched it all float away
none of it matters now.
not you, not me, not the sun in the sky
or the moon making love to the sea.

we live so divided.
but even the sun loves the sea and the moon, the sky.

some silent part of me
thinks by winter i'll be dead
lying still with all the leaves that summer left.
what i can't stand is the colder weather
soaking deep into my bones
stealing all the light i've saved.

i'll place the blame on me for wasting all of it.
every sunlit ocean morning. every crashing wave.
because i was too afraid to dance.
because i was too afraid to breathe
..too afraid of you loving (losing) you.

i missed the falling stars. the bare skin. the walking home.
the pavement hot as hell in late june.
i believed in the infinite heat. the sun never setting.
the world never forgetting. and giving up on me.

i can never break free of those i loved too much
for far too long.
i can finally forget you with my dying breath.

to stand
in your arms
long and slender
reaching toward the sky
the sun glowing on your skin
the memories i carry
made long before the wildfire
destroyed it all.

you thought i chose him but i had no choice at all.
in my heart, i never forgot
you and i in your bed for the first time.
the way the hair fell down to your chin
hiding those blue eyes.
that townhouse. the silk necklace you made for me.
kissing at parties. holding hands in your car.

frozen forever just like that in my mind.

my only crime;
loving what i couldn't have and having what i couldn't love.
never the same love twice. never like you.

i will never smell your hair again,
never touch my legs to yours.
i try so hard to remember
your laugh, your sweet voice
singing the songs we loved
listening and wondering
if we could ever be good enough
but
you always were.

the fire, the burn that won't heal
the rain pouring down so hard it stings
the weight of a mistake that felt right in the moment
the first time we touched
the last time you saw me cry
the one thing you want but can't keep
the summer that never ends.

the reason to write again
the reminder that every single thing
that you had never intended
will fall in your lap and cling to you
until you tremble for days and start losing sleep.

how blind you are in the beginning,
how much you wish, and want, and ache for their hands.

pull my face back in the mirror until
ten years are gone
erase the lines you've traced

i made the first mistake when i kissed you
the second i touched your face
you were everyone and no one
the times i wanted to chase you but i couldn't
the hours i spent alone.

here we are and now my hands are bleeding
carrying what i can never say
and i wonder if we'll break our backs
under the weight.

eyes falling and watching through white walls
a hospital bed and a phone call
a book with your number written inside.

hiding under the covers again
i can tell you won't answer this time.
could i just see you and remember?

waves crashing but nothing washes away. every year for nothing.
i listen to the same songs then press delete.
who i was matters a little less every time.

she said she remembers you laughing
and confusing colors with the sun.
that summer day in the rain, you were brilliant
your smile as big as the sea
the boards creaking on our white washed porch.

your fingers in my hair like lightening
my lips brush against you
i close my eyes and pretend that it's over

oh what one moment can do to the soul
the damage done, forever unchanged.

nobody knows my heart and all my secrets

just the moon in the night, watching

just the sun shining down in summer

just the morning fog lifting from the water.

thank god that so far my brain knows nothing at all.

i met a girl
she loved the smell of salt and earth and summer rain
she was blind. but only to her own mind. the inner workings.
what kept ticking and what had stopped. she couldn't fix the bad parts.
tried replacing them with flowers and broken shells.
maybe if they could fit just right. just maybe.

one day she fell while walking along the beach
looking for the perfect piece
but quickly sprang to her feet,
she swept the sand from her hair and sun from her eyes
minutes passed before she noticed the blood on her knees
she sat quietly on the shore
and watched the stream run down her leg and into the water
as the waves carried her blood out to sea
her thoughts spiraled
"how can i ever fix this?"
a man walked by and offered his hand but she shook her head
and said nothing.


everything you feel
like great big drops of blood
pooling up until they run
pouring out and getting lost
swept away until they're forgotten.
the salt water stings like every time
you said "i hate you." and "why can't i change?"


i never came here to change her. you have to believe that if you don't believe anything.

what separates my bones from the sea
shells break with every crashing wave
tiny lives destroyed and swept out
never to be seen again.

you said, "that's the way of it."

at night my mind spirals
thoughts as loud as wolves protecting their young.

i saw you shine
a world away, beyond every dead star
blood in your teeth
biting on words you wish you'd never spoken
cutting into that part of you that's hidden

your eyes punished me for dreaming
every door slammed in my face
every phone shattered against the wall
is that how you want to be remembered?
can i write about who you really were now?
about the glass on the floor
and the hands around my neck
about the summer rain we drowned in
the flowers blooming from your throat
choking on love spilling off your tongue,
this is who we really were
saving smiles for when the door closed.

you were so bright,
so bright i couldn't see
but so dark i couldn't breathe
you took the light and dark from me
you mixed them up until i couldn't choose.
your hands moved so fast
hiding the pieces i needed
"left or right?"
frantically, i tried to remember
but you lifted both hands and there was nothing.

i grew a part of you

a piece i can't take back

i saw your face wrapped up tight

in a hall with blue walls and doors

left there alone

forgetting winter and all of your

bad habits

what i tried so hard to but

could never propagate

the sense of being here and being

enough

ten stones for ten years



"we'll meet again"

the sun keeps shining

on the days when i'm sure

that all of the blood in me

could never keep this going

and

spring's new leaves

have blown away



i remember

the forest i've built with what was left

the holes in my bones filled up with sand

and glass and stones

the very ones i placed so carefully

in your hands

every time i asked

please

don't let

go.

love is deaf and blind and numb
lost in waters too deep to swim
you looked right at me and became the whole wide world.

your fingers play piano on my bones
notes that i've never heard
you sang loud and hard,
"can we forget, can we forget?"
but i plugged my ears and wept through the song.

how are you sitting so lonely
on the other end of town

the trees sway in the spring breeze
constellations blotted out by the tower lights

we met and walked apart
two left feet and nowhere to go
combing beaches, sand in our hair and hands

i am the dirt beneath your nails you can't get out
the lie, the pool of red in the corner of your eyes
from spending too many nights awake

dance together in a black and white world
where stars scorch the sky when we make love
your bony fingers weaved through my hair
your name held on my tongue.

i loved you all those years ago
like the winter loved the spring

i held your hands, heavier then,
braver then.
your eyes told stories i couldn't breathe in
for fear that the cold would never go.

you were
the calm before the storm unseen
the window never noticed
the lights shut off in time to hide
and what i knew i didn't need.

the stars whirled and rose up to meet her. created galaxies for her. constellations holding hostage the clouds.
all her life mapped out among oceans and the whales carry horns on their noses to write her name in the sand.

but she is dangerously human.

born into a world that feels. with trees that breathe. wild oak and birch filled with bees and knotted leaves. a forest imagined. left to become.

the world is one huge heart. spilling over full of blood. the worst parts are black and wretched. a transplant must be imminent.

if only I could pretend its spring. the sun shines and I feel nothing.  barely. breathing but it's the pills. they keep me but not up or down. they just keep me. sometimes I smile with you. your eyes as bright as dead stars.
a lot of who I was pools up until I can't stop. wishing and aching. feeling and burning. the world stops for no one. not the trees or the big blue ocean. forget the waves, I'm here.

you carry the world, don't you? can't i lift you up just this once?

the crumbs don't lead back and they don't lead away. every breath and step, heavy as the hardest rain.
i feel you as close as thunder. mountains whisper about where ive been and what ive done. echoing out above outstretched wings and winter sun.
"this is who you are, who you were and who you can never be."
lost and found in the dirt. these leaves can't hide anything.
of all the stars ive named,
there's one i can't forget.  
always hanging here to watch the days fall, slow and overbearing.

i named you, regret. the ultimate consequence. there is no art in letting go. there is no light in your sky.

the tomb i left
the war we lost
feeling everything miles away
wind cutting through every word
bind my feet but in dreams
i still follow.

what you hide and what you can't. the girl in the dark, the girl who calls out but hears nothing.

wringing her hands, consumed in the future-
what may come to pass or won't at all.

there is a piece lost, and i am looking in at a stranger. who has these eyes, who stole my lips and tongue?

i ran from you until my legs burst open.
i made it. but i can't run from this
this feeling of twenty nine hundred hands pinning me down
one for every shame, one for every guilt, one for every word i spoke in anger.
the blame carried across every plane of right and wrong.

oh what the world could've been without me.

i remember a smile that wasn't mine
the time and consequence borrowed,
what i can never return.

our lives, a series of events. it is as if two small apples had fallen from the same tree.
and there they lie, their guts spilled out onto the lawn. birds making holes to take what is left
before winter comes and goes again.

and what is,
what has been and what could be
mean nothing.


i held your hand like it was my last day on earth. but you'd never have known. walking through the forest,
the trails winding and branches breaking around us, i felt content for a fraction of a second.
the sun's beams like a halo above you. every freckle on your shoulder knowing it's place, it's purpose.
and here was i, standing lowly in your presence.
all of the times i had tripped over my own two feet
or my words, every time i had been late for the train,
the time i ruined your sweaters in the wash, or
the many hours i'd spent writing books i never finished
when i could have spent the time with you,

the light painted over me, and your eyes saw something clean.



hurrying along on the street, rain falling into the spaces between your legs
and rainboots.
once we made it inside, i realized
i had held the umbrella only a half an inch too far from you and your ear was cold and wet.
but you never said a word.



everyone says i cannot freeze you there like that in my mind. that the bad must outweigh the good.
that you must be a demon who was sent disguised as clouds and lovely things. but if you were then it stuck.
and whoever sent you did a **** good job.
everyone says that i need to go back to the day i first saw you and stop there
and just
remember
the times before i knew you.
but your words are too strong to forget and every time i walk by the flower stand on the street
i see your favorite colors and i see the crown that you made and
placed in your hair the day that we were both so sure we wanted this.
this, together.


my brain splits you up into all of these pieces and i can't gather
the ones that have been spread by the summer's breeze, or the ocean's waves
or the ones carried away on the wings of night's fireflies.
if i could only capture them all
like a still life photograph stuck in a jar
maybe i could come unstuck from you
and piece you together in an entirely new fashion,
painting you like the devil that you are
(or must be).


even just this morning i made a point to be on time for the train
because i knew that you would be so proud.
and like some unspoken prayer or a letter written but never sent
i wished so long and hopelessly that you could know.
but the day is over now and you won't
you won't leave the note on my door that i've longed to read
you won't call. you won't ask a friend how i've been.
so i've bought these brushes and pens and paints and ink
to try so hard to draw what i could never see

as i stand here looking at the last picture i have left of you
i hear these words so clear in my head
"take a picture before i paint over her. she is beautiful, she was everything."

and i wish that i could but i can't. because you're not here and my hands are too broken
to fix the old camera i used to photograph you standing in the rosebush by the lake,
thorns in your knees and red petals in your hair.

three figures standing at the riverbank, blank and still as that cloudy day. breeze less and boring.
I've counted twelve summers since.
you were long and high as the trees meeting mountain tops. a world awake and new, your eyes shining in the sun and your hair like a halo.
I couldn't recognize you without that mask. freckles dating back as far as blood and bone.
you formed in the womb then, the pieces you would always keep.
my greatest achievement was waiting.
you never came but I never stopped. my dreams locked you out. where is our safe word?
buried there deep below the rocks, water rushing too fast over top to ever recover. my balance, my head, your conscience.