I have to say,
**** this and **** that,
Everyones a ******* rat.
******* and **** them
I dont need my ******* friends.
**** your love and **** your boyfriend
I hope you two come to a tragic ******* end.
**** myself and **** my feelings
Ill make it numb and get higher than the ******* ceiling.
**** being strong 'cause i know I'm ******* weak
everything thats wrong with me its 'cause im ******* meek.
**** this life and **** the ******* world.
I'm screaming out obscenities that would make you ******* hurl.
I'm tired of this ******* anger
I'm tried of this fight.
Maybe tonights the night ill end it,
Ill say "**** it" and take the ******* knife.

And I'll bleed and bleed and ******* bleed till im lifeless on the floor and i'll scream and ******* scream till i cant say **** anymore.

The first was easy.
Smooth.
Like a fruit.
Fresh.
I didn't feel too dizzy.
I didn't feel different.

The second was easy.
Sweet.
Tropical.
It was easier to swallow.
I was getting merrier.

The tenth was sloppy.
Splashes down my dress.
Your eyes watching.
Damsel in distress.

Then you walked over.
Too drunk to see my own reflection.
You made me feel worthy.
You made me feel beautiful.

Your hands were soft.
Of what I can remember.
The liquids numbed my senses.
I had no idea.

Your bed was cool.
Like the ice around my glass.
Removing my dress was easy.
I'd do anything in that state.

I don't remember much.
Waking up bruised.
I tried to get away.
More men than drinks in that room.

What happened to just your hands!
One is enough.
But these hands weren't so smooth.
Prodding delicate skin.

Wrists clearly shown.
I guess they knew what a mess I was
I guess they knew i'd be easy.

Well they were wrong.
And so was I.

The first few drinks are always easy...
But the morning after can be utterly devistating

I'll never find the girl I left at the bar.

I will forever be a peice of those awful men's hearts.
If that's even what you can call them.

"dance with me, please"
he grabbed my hands
and i did my best
but i was too drunk
and it was hard to move
and there was no music

he placed his hand
on the small of my back
as he kissed me
but i was too drunk
and it was hard to move
and there was no music

"so, you're kinda freaky?"
he asked as he noted
the bruises left on my neck
but i was uncomfortable
and i was confused
and i didn't like the way he looked at me

The unrelented grotesque of the old town centre
Buzzing strongly from its high
Too many unpleasantries for me to count
Is what I discovered after midnight

While everyone was laughing, shouting and wandering around
I was cowering, screaming and pleading for no more sound
My butterflies were neurotic - they were eating me inside
It's a wonder why I didn't throw up one single time

And so, I ran away
Through the flags and bunting
I ran away
Past the ranting and blubbering
I ran away
I'm anxious to tears
I ran away
Get me out of here!

you can't help those who refuse to listen

and after one or two or twenty packs of cigarettes

i guess you could call it addiction.

when i look into your eyes i don't see shades of blue

instead intoxication

a little boy with ******, drunken lips completely shaken

wanting to undo or maybe break through

everything he's attached to

I could spend hours writing about you
and believe me, I have
but they all end up the same way
"I love her  I love her  I love her"
I want to put the pens down and grab your hands instead
run them across my body while I tell you all the things that I've written
but never said
pull your lips to mine and let our tongues do all the talking
while they're conversing I'll start *******
you slowly
I wanna savor the moment I come in contact with your body
move my lips down to your chest
and whisper my secrets to your skin
leave a message in every kiss
and a kiss at every corner
while I breathe you in
every breath I take
now the beds starting to shake
as I start to make
love to
you

She is the angry burn of alcohol.
The choking feeling when you've taken too many shots
in too little time.
She is the fire in your chest when brave little you took a hit bigger than the clouds in the Seattle sky.
She is the unmistakeable
unshakeable
fear
brought on by the bad acid trip.
The pinch,
poke,
& sting
of the needles in your arm.
She is the abused substances
and she is the abuse
that drove you to them.
She is twice as addictive
three times as dangerous
and there are no Twelve Steps
or support groups
or miraculous stories of survival.

You'll never be clean again.


*s.mndi

Two weeks drug free.
I did it for myself,
I did it for my sister
for you
and for her.

Cravings don't wake me up at night anymore.
I can hold a cigarette without my hands shaking
and I can look my mother in the eye.

Where are you to share in my sobriety?
Where are you to help me through it?
(Where are you?)

My heart stopped,
I couldn't breath,
I started bleeding
from my mouth,
I had a seizure.
In that time
I accepted death
then I woke up
****** up.