honestly i lost the joy
that comes from opening presents from a big bearded man
which - now that I think about it -
is creepy.
i grew up and situations became worse
to the point where christmas is full of horrible memories -
three christmases spent homeless,
one spent fearing for my life,
and many of them pretending things weren't as bad as they were.
basically,
i spent this one alone
because that way nothing can hurt me again.

Maybe I opened more social medias,
maybe i did it to gain extra attention.
Maybe it's a way to cope,
with the ****** things that have been done to me.
I cope with these horrible memories,
by making myself an object for the internet.

Honestly, although I will tell you it wasn't your fault,
not even I now believe that.
You were so scared then -
so fragile -
you were so small to carry all that hurt and sadness.
I promise you that I'm trying to do better,
for you, little me, for you,
and maybe someday I will truly be just that:
Better.

i know im not actually a burden but -
do you hate me? am I annoying? do you want me to shut up?
i know its just my head being mean but -
you deserve better than me, you dont deserve this mess.
i know i can get better but -
i dont deserve help, I'm only going to get worse.
I know I should be medicated but -
i dont have the money, and do I really deserve it?
I know I could just escape the void, but -
it calls my name, it beckons me.
I know maybe people do care, but -
maybe I'll really do it.

I am often up til 3 a.m.,
the hands on clocks merge and jump,
and I often miss large chunks of time,
because that's just how it is.

life no longer has the same shine
that it did when I was young
now all I do is sit on my phone
and play Solitaire
because where's the fun I used to know?
Where's the fun I used to want to have?
Am I doomed to be this way for the rest of my life?
do I never get to be happy in the same way again?