start the day when the party’s over
that’s when it really begins
unsure of who i will be today
or who i have been

can’t keep up, dozens of types
one word is all it takes
****, poke, provoke me
go on i dare you

so many dark things i could delve into
physical pain i could explore
but the thing that hurts the most
is the invisible knife coming back for more

the knife is made of trauma and pain
penetrates my skin
greets my blood
creating scars only i can see

i’ll hide my words
i’ll hide my sorrow
plaster on a smile
until tomorrow

this is the one thing I cannot get wrong
you can’t criticise this
you can’t be disappointed
this will not be analysed
to me, my writing is perfect

to you,
well…
I didn’t ask.

*****

learning to love again
it’s a strange feeling
you don’t know if you’re making progress
no idea if your heart is healing

learning to love again
it’s like being naked in public
body is made of glass
face without its mask

learning to love again
i’ve become transparent
every scar, emotion & feeling can be seen
my soul displays where the pain has been

learning to love again
don’t assume i mean loving a person i know
my ability to love again isn’t consumed by a lover
but i doubt that would show

i have learnt
i am still learning
for true self-love
that is what i’m yearning

its alien
its alien to me
its alien to the youth of today

this dating malarkey

my generation
we can’t stay idle for two hours
forcing conversation
words with no meaning
deceptively beaming
at one another

its not natural you know
you ask me to meet
i can’t just get up and go
or is it me?
the anxiety?

its just not my cuppa tea

i’ll never know
shove me out of my comfort zone
making me realise I prefer to be alone

I greet the bed, quilt, and pillow

And to that soul-destroying sinking feeling…

its time to go

oh its spilling out of me
like luke-warm lava
supposed to be unbearable to touch
but actually is so familiar

i don’t want to welcome you back
the lump in my throat
the forcing back of tears
losing the ability to simply breathe

my stomach knots over and over
crossing paths as the hurt churns inside
waving at the butterflies
who have made my stomach their home

words racing round and round
pushing dread further and further down
until dread, despair and pain hide in every crevice

dread lurking in the shadows
depair tiptoes around my bones
pain hides and puts on its disguise

you know, the worst part is
i don’t know why
or actually i know that there are so many whys
and i can’t begin to use one as blame

so my aura takes the shape of my dear friend,
anxiety
welcome back i guess…
do you think if it cry, it will become less?

yes

play me like a game
the more you play, the stronger you get
i start to pull away
trying to pretend we never met

what was life without this game
i can’t remember the feeling of peace
it’s unknown if i will ever feel a release

tear my spirit in two
rip my soul in three
split my heart in four
keep my body waiting for more

back to square one
i think i like you again
but we have so much fun
UGH. what is it about men?

you made my mind confused
just to keep yourself amused
good for you, get your kicks
and i’ll get my depressing fix

you’ve done well, i could say
on track, hitting targets, completing goals
well done for your progress today
i can see you’ve scraped enough energy to climb out of that gloomy hole

seems like a front
like some kind of stunt
fake it til your make it
that’s what they all say
but it actually works, just for today

plod along young one
make yourself proud
announce your self-forgiveness,
shout it so loud

remember to plaster on a grin
even if its false
because if you do
the relief will eventually kick-in

so well done
young one

happy birthday to the soul in another realm
your disappearance has left my world shattered
watched your life slowly leave us
watched you become weak, feeble and haggard

the lights dimmed when you left
the music dulled when you left
a finished puzzle has lost a piece
leaving an irreplaceable hole, disturbing all peace

i’ve never felt a loss like this one
and i’m scared to feel it again
it took twenty-four months
to finally get used to pain

hair white as snow, smelling like a single rose
eyes like a welcoming warm hug, wrapped around every inch of your being
cheek so soft and easily kissed
you were right, it was the last kiss

the love inside of you blossomed & radiated
your energy was longed for & preserved
i can’t quite put to words how beautiful you were
your soul silences me, i am eternally grateful

i’ll never meet another like you
and that’s fine
there’s only one of you, grandad
i’m so proud to say you were mine