happy birthday to the soul in another realm
your disappearance has left my world shattered
watched your life slowly leave us
watched you become weak, feeble and haggard

the lights dimmed when you left
the music dulled when you left
a finished puzzle has lost a piece
leaving an irreplaceable hole, disturbing all peace

i’ve never felt a loss like this one
and i’m scared to feel it again
it took twenty-four months
to finally get used to pain

hair white as snow, smelling like a single rose
eyes like a welcoming warm hug, wrapped around every inch of your being
cheek so soft and easily kissed
you were right, it was the last kiss

the love inside of you blossomed & radiated
your energy was longed for & preserved
i can’t quite put to words how beautiful you were
your soul silences me, i am eternally grateful

i’ll never meet another like you
and that’s fine
there’s only one of you, grandad
i’m so proud to say you were mine

tell me to leave
spy on my shattered heart
wrap ropes around my throat
watch this world fall apart

its scary when your body is made of glass
people see all of you, notice every weakness
vulnerability is my identity
and relief is not an option

shards of glass penetrating my skin
butter knife lodge into my back
daggers trapped between my head & heart
bullets fired into my third eye

this sinking feeling reminds me its real
I thought it was gone
but i was wrong
I accept that disappointment is all I’ll feel

loss of breath
out of my depth
sinking into the pain
lungs filled with shame

weighted feet
dragging me down
lower and lower
about to drown

except…

i’m not in the ocean

where am i?

Dear every scary aspect of Earth
Dear the slug seeping through the sockets
Dear the rotting skull buried at my feet
Dear all the unstoppable intrusive thoughts
Dear the constant shift in emotion
Dear the next death
Dear the next unwanted touch
Dear the venom swimming through the veins
Dear the daisies which lay on top of the venomous veins
Dear what i might do next
and finally,

Dear the jump scares
you made me realise that the most frightening thing is,

smiling but my skull is screaming
nodding but my soul is sobbing
free but my voice is captured
open but my eyes are glued

love you but you love to hurt me
hate you but you feed my loneliness
need to speak but petrified of nothing
lost for words but won’t shut up

financially stable but life is poor
walking alone but surrounded by demons
listening to you but deafened by pain
wonderfully happy but tremendously miserable

it's all a mystery
next steps new goals
the past is history

can we savour the way the bed feels like one big embrace
can we relish the sensation of air in our lungs
can we try adore the imperfections without disgrace

today is here
yesterday is dead
tomorrow is yet to come

never mind whats on the agenda
ignore the impending fear of death
attempt to appreciate every second
learn to appreciate every breath

balancing the feelings
feelings which sit in my bones
crack your knuckles on my ribs
gutting me when I feel most alone

chapped lips
chapped lips pursed on the blank expression
tingling & lingering
watching the fire ignite in seconds

brush past me, accidentally creeping into my life
lifeless body triggered
what is it about you?
cheeky grin but no sin
reassuring eyes, secrets but no lies

symbolic human interaction
demons becoming a distraction
distraction leading to dissatisfaction
time to make my final transaction

tender, sweet & warm
bearing the sunshine after the storm

I’ll be your Christmas gift
wrap me up, but don’t suffocate
leave the mouth, I’ll communicate
remember to deliver that first and last kiss