he said, "let's keep this between us"
while pulling my hair, kissing my tired lips
both my eyesight and judgment are clouded
by his handsome look, facing one breathe away
but the night is changing, so does his mind
when the morning knocks, I was alone
laying on my bed, missing his gentle hug
with our secret Sunday

but the closer we are
the more I want you
the more I want to own you

bit by bit my determination
to run away, to let you go
disappears to thin air

both my eyes freezes
like they are stuck on you
hypnotized by your gentle smile

and my consciousness knows
that if we ever move our feet
forward to each other

you will only make me cry
a deeper painful tears
than any I have ever cried before

One hit followed by the other
Stop crying, you sang
A *****, that's my nickname
Love is your shield
Then
Forgive me, you plead
But
No more,
No more decorating
Our exclusive hell
No more bridges
You've burned them
When you choked me
And when you...
You
Hurt me,
Paint my face
With black and purple,
You
Throw me,
Into an endless pain

Now I can dance
Atop your fake apologies
And laugh at
Your abyss of misery
Cause I know
You are NOTHING
Without me

the only thing I keep losing
because I'm in love with you

I'd like to write a poetry
about how easy it is to reach for your skin
to bow down and get a sweet taste of your sin
to put my insecurity sleeping inside your promises
to fall for you until I scattered into pieces

I will be cuddling inside your pillow chest
Smooching your strawberry hair
Endlessly biting your lower lips to annoy you
Laughing at your gestures and unfunny jokes
Resting my fingers atop yours like braid
Enjoying the love song of your heartbeat
Breathing your absurd laugh
Watching the stillness of your sleep and
Opening my eyes to see the sun rising on your cheek
All of the above are the opposite of  my reality
All of the above are what we were once upon a time
But
There's one thing left that's not the opposite
I am still extremely ridiculously inevitably
deeply honestly and completely
in love with you

Can you sense
The longing I endure
Underneath the trees
Or starlights
You're passing by?
Do you understand
How vulnerable
I become
Not breathing you?
Will you be convinced
By the amount
Of love I pass on
To God
In every pray
About you?

close your eyes, breathe slowly
imagine me whenever you're lonely
I'm always here in your daylight
cuddling your soul every midnight

close your eyes, wipe your tears
don't you hear me crying too, dear?
please move on, so I can move on too
though forever my heart belongs to you

Forever I will wonder
the happiness I brought you
will be soon replaced by hers

For morning awakens me
to the realty I wish I never see;
is you belong with her, not me

"Do you love her?"
"I do"
~

There and then I contemplate
your lips, your eyes, your breath
trying so hard to find the lie
in your straight answer
and the ***** between my neck
and my stomach trembles
caused by the truth
I cannot handle

In the most connotative way
he kisses my red nose
and surprises me with the fact
that I actually have options
to stare out at the cold hope
*or to make him my full stop

his face is sulking
through the foliage
under that big tree
where I lit my cigarette
—avoiding eye contact
as I turned down
the confession
of the love he made
especially for me
simply because
it's too heavy
for me to carry

it was different—how he made me fall
he didn't come with confetti and rain
or turned me restless with waves of rush
but he knocked on my door softly like snow
with white roses hiding behind his back
and a ring to promise me the right track

He always moves his legs
whenever he sits down
like he has this rush
going on in his head
or maybe—just maybe
he’s always ready to run
and left everything
everything he has
so far away
that nobody is able
to stop him
or get him back

rather than being told that I am strong
or getting angry at because I am weak
I want you to simply reach out your hand
and say "trust me, I can save you"

I treated you like a King
But your heart refused to sing
I treated you like a star
So you took a step back far
I treated you like the sun
Then you said I am no fun

"You are too much,
I cannot handle too much"

Then I sit, inhale deep
And put my feelings
All my feelings for you
*To a deep sleep

I close my eyelids
and all I can recall
is the last night
where his lips
on my forehead
hand inside my hair
and heart beating
to stay with mine

our love died, the cupids cry
their voice shook the earth, through the sky
as I lay weak on a cold hard floor
with all the promises you tore

you sound like an idiot
when you said
you want to have me
all for yourself
because I have already
belonged to you
for so long ago
haven't I?

it was everything related to our egos
how we thought we've played our roles
but refuse to synchronize our goals
neither mine nor his ever become ours
but we were fighting for what we had
with all the fusion of emotions and hopes
that this time we both will win the battle
we probably forgot that love is a losing game
rather than playing as team 'us'
we were playing as player one and two instead
but you know, there should be medals
for the kind of war that we had

Feels like surfing
On the ocean wave
Where I am free to play
Then folding inside
In a bizarre way
~
Is to appreciate trust
Rather than lies
Like brightened up
The moonshine in the sky
Even when starlight
Are impossible to hide
~
Is where your name
Taste like certainty
Blended with comfort
And strawberry
And all I notice
Is your arms
Encircle my hips
And your lips
Explaining a kiss
With infinity bliss

at least I am keeping my promise
to stay away from you, aren't I?
it's been an entire month, my dear
and I have not stop counting
the days I waste without you
my love, don't you miss me too?
oh, trust me I've ran out of lies to tell
only a pair of eyes that swell
and all I can do is sleep in your shirt
crying your name until it doesn't hurt

One of the angel came
in the October
the one with fair skin
and hair of amber
glows like stars
with wings of a dreamer
golden Autumn eyes
bright like Summer
captivating kiss
nothing else sweeter
the thief of my heart
my only lover

One look into my eyes
And flowers grow inside my head
One friction from your skin
And nothing else feels so true
One kiss to my cheek
And all my demons vanished into sand

when his eyes stare in the distance of one kiss
where giggles vibrate through our hot breath
is the moment eternal happens between us

****, my voice is breaking
the sadness inside me is rising
I’m trying so hard to make it disappear
but the more I do the more it appears

how selfish will I sound
to tell you to stay cause I need you around?
so I choose to smile and lie
when I say, “it’s okay, goodbye”

"Tell me what love is," he demands
and I answer in the most illogical
way I can ever think of
I answer;

It is when I met you the first time
and I knew I'd marry you in 7 years
It is when you're mad at me but
somehow you look peculiarly cute
It is when I left because you ****
but I held your string tight in my hand
It is when I know there are billions,
no, trillion souls, yet I stick with yours

"you are insane," he mocks me
and I laugh, "but love is insane!"
he kisses my lips and whispers
"then you're the answer to my question"

But, Darling
my sun rises in your eyes
and sets in my breaking heart
my moon shines from your starry kiss
and disappears along with your goodbye

before you leave, this I must say
eventhough your love is all about grey,
I still fell deeply in love with you
before I even knew that love itself is true

therefore I've made up my mind inside my fear
to speak these words just for you to hear
for the first and the last time shall you feel
"I love you, so much"
and there's no way it could be more real

look at me

look at me and tell me what you see

no need to patronize me with lies
you know I am not powerful
nor beautiful
I am the symbol of devastation
and self-destruction

so don't tell me you love me
if you only end up throwing me away
don't speak the word promise
when you refuse to stay

now turn your head
don't look at me

say your farewell
before you begin anything

Moving images
Drowsy voices
Is how I keep
Reminding myself
That you wanted to stay
But you've marked
Your calendar
To take your flight
Away from my heart
While I booked
A one way ticket
And I couldn't leave
Yours

Have you heard from your bedroom wall
that I long to be where you are?
have you heard the birds whistling
how I wish you a good day each morning?
have you heard your silence cellphone
ringing out the canceled calls from my phone?
sssh... be quite and listen carefully
let my blue heart speaks slowly
I am missing you, badly
and I am secretly still loving you, baby

You are the rose
That blooms
So wonderful
It compels me
To keep touching
And holding
Even when I have
To watch blood
Tainting my
Almond skin

Somehow, he lured me
into kissing him again and again
until the only taste I know
is coming from his lips
and the only reality
I am capable of living
is the one I found
in between his breathing
when he opens his mouth
to whisper my name

Hey, let's play pretend
I'll be the sky
And you'll be the light
You can shine at day
Or mourn at night
But know that I'm here
Giving sunrises and
Painting sunsets
Glittering stars and
Lightning up the moon
For you
Always

To those midnights
and days
and mornings
you acted like
a little child
who is impatient
opening his
birthday gift
when I was wrapped
inside my dress
as I lay
on your bed

I shall wear black attire
to mourn the death of
another piece of my heart
that you proudly killed
before my very eyes

Laying down alone
Thinking about why you're gone
It's so quite here
My burning cigarette's all I hear

Hell, I loved silence
Loved
Cause after you came into my life,
Noise has become my best friend

Can I live by your haunting shadow?
This room feels so hollow
Even the smell of your skin
Staying like the words you spin

I should've realized it sooner
That you are the other half of me
Now you're gone, I'm just a stranded body
Trying to make peace with regret

I sigh, and of course you cannot hear
But I bet you are feeling it too
I am now, maybe always will,
Be missing you

*My heart belongs to you

how many chances you've thrown away?
and efforts I have made in vain?
those tears I've cried, my heart that died
it is only you I want to hold tight

memories pierce their way to my bones
do you have any idea how many falling stars
I've wished upon just to be your only one?
now I wonder if I even matter a dust to you

but...

While he was staring
into my trembling hope
and blurry eyes
he spoke in sigh;

“you ruin my life
—twice
but it’s okay
because it’s you
it’s you
you can ruin my life”

then
after a long paused
I kissed him and stayed

Crap, I hate this
I can feel my ribs opening
—Turning into spider legs
My throat is burning
From screaming your name

Like a cigarette
You chose me, pick me out
You set me on fire
As you held me on your lips
Then you inhale me deep
But in the end you put my flame
When you point the blame
And you easily walk away
Like how you throw my ash
To the ashtray

She hummed heaven's song
When the sun rose
And hushed her love
When the sun set
She was the best episode
Of my 20 years movie
She was the comforting shadow
Below the trees
She was my safe place
To any danger that might be
I always reminisce about her
In too many ways there are
If time could heal
Then I wish not to feel
Anymore tears
And the wound in my heart
Remain still
For it is half of my soul
She steals

I remember you
The perpetual dream of my every wish
The sweet scent of the rain
The fallen angel who eases my nightmare

With every heat of the sun
Every cold side of the moon
It is my name you inhale
And yours I chant

Remember me
The feeling of your first kiss
The tenderness of warm blanket
The demon who plays well with yours

no matter how I try
to consider things
in a favorable light
there is no way
your dark heart
will ever turn bright

"If I knew it, I would not..."
she said—choking—
while tears dripping down her cheeks

that is the thing about life
we do not know, we never do

therefore we should spare some patience—
breathe easily, think slowly
in order to save a lifetime of regrets
so that we will be able to say;

"Eventhough it turned out this way,
I am glad I was kind. I truly did my best'

that night, I was drunk
unconsciousness pulled me back to him

that night, I know he was there
his finger were wiping my tears
I felt his heart opened like never before

that night, he held me like a goodbye
that night, he kissed me like a promise
that night, he loved me until it hurts so bad, I cried

after that night, he stopped talking to me
—he quit looking for me, he left me
and after that night, I swear I will love again

*only if he promised he won't return to me

They say the darkest hour
comes before the dawn
but I don't mind at all cause
you're able to cast a light
through the heat of our skin
when you're dreaming
right beside me

chaotic mayhem has descended into my life
just when I think it is okay to put on a smile

Alas, my eyes won't compromise
They keep shutting out the light
And looking like two heavy bubbles
Even my heart is pumping slowly
Like it has beaten up
When you said 'I'm not ready'
Lol. Ready
I've been repeating that word
Until it sounds more like regret
Then again, I'm just a sea shore
Where you can test my water
While you're a deadfall
Where I helplessly dragged in

And so
She finds
Beauty
In the sins
She keeps
Beneath
Her sleeves

She chanted prayers
With her knees bended
She walked between the twin trees
With her eyes closed
She threw a penny into the well
With her palm opened
She waited for the falling star
With hand over her heart

*For him