it's okay to be not okay -
with chills running down your spine
as worries pile in your mind.
that innate notion
of something wrong
and something that will never change

it's okay to be not okay
i have been for a while

i lay awake at night
and
listen to the sound the rain makes.
it spatters onto the ground with such purpose
that i can not help but feel jealousy in the pit
of my empty stomach.
the rain knows where its going and where its been.
i wander, confused at who i am and who i'm going to be.
i crave the feeling of certainty.
to know if i'm going to pull the string attached to my lips
and pull it into another forced smile another day.
i lay awake at night and
wish to be a drop of rain.

We were given love in a season,
we loved each other without reason,
we lost ourselves in the crowd.

You took my hand and said to run,
the year had just begun.
When the leaves fall from the trees,
I want you to please,
remember me.

Words dripped from my mouth,
two free souls trapped in the same house,
the silence just got too loud.

April washed away dreams,
May brought on new beauty.
The world was never so clear,
till the day came,
Spring time was here.

We lost ourselves in love,
we could never get enough.
Shuffling through the crowd,
we became the same,
we got lost in love's game.

...maybe i'm done trying
maybe i'm the only one who's left fighting
fighting be loved
fighting to be someone
in
your life.
maybe it's time
to face the
truth
that i'll never be
enough
for
you.
maybe
you find more
consolation
comfort
in your media,
friends
...in those
who
have
everything
i
don't.
maybe
it's time
i face
the fact that
i will never enter
your world.
maybe it's time
i gave up on me
just as you have.
maybe it is time.
i will never
be her.
i will never
understand
and maybe
it's because
i was
never
given
the chance.
maybe you have fallen in love
with the person you wish me to be
maybe who i am
is not who you want to love.
maybe the thought of this being true
terrifies you the most
throws you off your feet
and the fear of the unknown
has you gripped on to my heart
wishing on stars
i will become
who you need.

Don't tell me you meant all those words you said.
The times you made me believe that I am truly beautiful just as I am.
That night was a night I will never forget.

'I love you' , you said to me.
It was all a pretty little lie, a lie I believed even if I knew ot was not real.
You are the reason for some of my scars.
You think this is a joke, don't you?

One day when you get your little heart broken, I will be standing there laughing at you.
Laughing because karma is a *****.

You didn't mean it, so don't say you did!!

i want to drive to your house
and say i'm sorry.
i didn't want to hurt you,
but i had to.

i want to lead you into the dark
where no one can find us
and finally tell you i love you
but it'd be useless.

i want to wipe your tears away.
make you understand,
and justify my actions.
but i don't have an explanation.

i want to kiss you.
to be close to you is to be happy.
we would both finally be happy.
but i don't deserve happiness.

It must be hard
If you're not depressed
To understand the difficulty
Of just getting dressed
It must be hard
If you don't starve
To imagine winter woollens
Hats, gloves and scarves
In the summer.
It must be hard
If you don't ***** your food
To understand the waste
Once it's been swallowed and chewed
It must be heard
If you don't hear voices
To imagine
Someone else
Dictating your choices
It must be hard
If you don't have compulsions
To understand the urge
The panic and convulsions
Of just saying no.
It must be hard
If you don't have an attachment
To a narcotic or a bottle
To understand how it can
Throttle you, to just one more hit.
It must be hard,
If you don't cut at your wrists
To understand
How someone could do this.
It must be hard
If you don't suffer highs and lows
To understand how quickly
Such a feeling, comes and goes
As it pleases.
It must be hard
If you've never had a chemical imbalance
In your brain
Or a contributing factor, a stressful event
To understand the insane.

It's not like a broken leg,
A sprained wrist, the flu
Where someone can easily
Treat and diagnose you.
It's not something that just goes away
And I'm not trying to say
That everyone doesn't understand
I'm just lending a hand,
To those who struggle
To make sense
Of the dents in our thinking
The depths that we're sinking
The vacant eyes that are blinking
As we're thrown around inside
Our own minds.

2013 ©

Let me tell you a story
Of a girl not many people knew.
Come, sit down, and listen.
I wouldn't want you to miss this.
Once upon a time,
Because that's how all great stories go,
There was a girl.
Just like you and just like me.
She wasn't a glimmering jewel,
But more like a diamond in the rough.
She was quite and didn't dare to speak a word.
All she ever seem to do was hide
Behind her dark curtain of hair
Where no one else could see her.
No one ever really understood her,
But no one ever got to know her
She was more than just that though.
Not that anyone would ever know
Because then came along the whispers.
Everywhere she walked she could hear them.
She did her best to block them out.
Though, that didn't always work.
After the whispers came the insults.
They were thrown around on a daily basis.
Sometimes they left her speechless.
Sometimes they made her sad.
Sometimes she didn't know
What they made her feel.
She tried, tried, and tried to change herself,
But that just made her tired.
She decided just to put up a wall.
Years after the whispers first started,
She felt herself growing weary.
Tired of trying, and tired of crying.
It seemed like she didn't have the answers to anything.
Her parents started noticing her behavior,
But they didn't know what to do.
How could they know what everyday was like?
Then came the next dreadful day,
The insults, whispers, and stares included
Were harsher compared to the days before.
She walked home alone in the rain that day.
Her cheeks were stained with her tears,
But the tears never did stop ending.
When she got home, she was welcomed with silence
No one was there for her to talk to.
No one was ever there for her to talk to.
She went to her room and made sure the door was locked.
Her decision was made, she was ready to go.
It only took a minute to meet her sweet, dark abyss.
The day after no whispers were found.
Silence was everywhere that day
In the halls, the classroom, and the buses.
Every student was filled with guilt,
Especially when looking at her heart-broken parents.
They didn't think she would go this far.
Moral of the story, since there always is one,
Be kind to all those who you are surrounded by
Because you'll never know who the whispers will go after next.
For all you know it could be you.
And you too will be gone before your time.