She wore a cloud of misery around like a wealthy women wore the finest fur coat.  Proudly, beautifully, she had the kind of kisses that were all teeth, the kind that scared and ripped hearts out, not the kind that just drew blood and pleased.  I was in love with her once, I had fallen hard.  but that was long ago, long before she ever showed me her coat.

do you ever feel like
you need someone to hold you...
just hold you down...
just so you don’t fall up into the sky...
away from here...
here...
where you’re so desperate
not to be anymore...
here in all the heavy...
all this sorrow..

here...
where hate spreads
at the squeeze of a trigger
a storm of bullets
where bodies fall
that will not get up again

here...
where love crumbles
and the grieving
don’t get to catch their breath
before they find themselves
grieving again

here...
where the pain is everywhere

here...
where you just want
to let gravity go
and leave all of

here...

behind as you fall
into the sky

To speak her name
is to let the syllables
fall from your mouth in a prayer
of perfect love and desire
to gaze into her eyes
is to fall into eternity
and see all that
is beautiful about heaven
and feel all the temptations
forbidden even in hell

to dream of her lips is a dream
that makes the gods tremble
and the devils heart ache
her skin is made of the lost pages
of soft lust written from the blood
within the heart of fairy tales

she is the magic of witchcraft
and the witchcraft of wonder
she lives under the sun
and above the night
she is the wish of every star
longing to be beautiful

in all of mans imagination
nothing could be as lovely or as sweet
as to have her name fall
from your mouth in every breath
and to have the prayer
of perfect love and desire
wrap around your very heartbeat

The seven letters in her name
No other need to write
No better way to scribe
No purer way to compose
LOVE so lovely or as well
Than when I write them down
And dream of her

No letters could be gold
Other than the five you find
Hiding in her rhyme
So sweet with honeys blood
As beautiful and true

In the hazelnut swirls of her eye's
the secrets of the cosmos danced
and in the shadows
and curves of her lips
was the infinte truths of love
and in the song of her heart
I was to be forever lost
to wander with madness
as I fall
for the beauty
within her tattooed soul

All I know is her voice
All I've seen is a picture
I've read her words
Again and again
And my heart has been stolen
And it flys over the sea
Hoping
For a cup of coffee
At a table for two
For a warm hand
  to hold
During a long walk
thirty-two minutes
  past last call
To hear a soft whisper
  that quickens the heart
To get lost in the
  comfort of her arms
To lay awake through the
  night in a warm bed
Exchange a shy kiss
And listen to her voice
  until the morning sun
   crashes in
And we would laugh as the
  morning bird sings
And then sleep
And long
And dream
Of living in tomorrow
And escaping today

I still get shy... even hiding so far away... I want to say "hey" or "hello" or "How are you" or "..." but then I over think and over analyze and second guess myself and tell myself you're  probably busy and convince myself it probably isn't a good idea and then write another poem to hide behind ...  and I spend the day thinking and sighing and dreaming about you...

Love poems are all horse **** or hindsight
it’s either all made up
or not realized until it’s walking away

and what an *** it has
so ****** beautiful

and we don’t see it until it struts away
leaving us dumbfounded and drooling
counting our mistakes
instead of sitting next to it
counting our blessings

My heart could not beat without his
so small
so delicate
in a world of its own

I have known grief and tragedy
heartache and lost
the blue loneliness of depression
as cold and dark as an empty sea

I have known love
in many different faces
in many different ways
I have walked through
its endless fields
of flowers burning
in the palms of eternity

but this love
in his heart

it is born from legends
of fairy tales forgotten
prayers from old gods
whose name we never knew
the magic and wonder
that is only found
in the heart of children

all children

and how blessed are we
to know their smiles
and to hear their laughter
to be touched by
their infinite wisdom

so simple
so true
so beautiful

how is it that we have forgotten
we too were once children
how did we lose our way
where in our education
were we taught the things
that stripped us
of our own magic and wonder

and will we be foolish enough
to hand this same education
down to our children too

hope

at times is a heavy burden
a burden we must not drop
a burden we must carry
for our children sit atop this hope
they play and laugh
and imagine
within this hope
they carry and protect
the love of wonder and magic

here in this hope
is their better tomorrow
their better world

I squeeze him a little tighter
and a little longer
hoping he will manage
to hold onto his childish wisdom
despite his education

and I feel his little heart
echo against mine

so small
so delicate
building a world of its own

If I could hold him one more year
one more year
and have him not age a single day
hold him at this age
so free from care
yet so caring
just one more year
and have him never age

Forever young
Forever gentle
Forever kind

Let youth not leave his hands
Let time not weigh down his days
Let nothing lead his heart astray

Just one more year
and have him never age
so free from fear
so free to dream
so brave in youth
just hold him to this age

Forever young
Forever gentle
Forever kind

Just one more
one more
forever more
to hold him to this day

Heart of hollow bone
And decaying flesh
The weight of love
Still floods within
No longer can the pulse be found
As storm and wind
And dream and cloud
Still rage and crash and scream aloud
Worms of dust and ghost cocoon
Rivers rushing honey blood
Desires passion bleeding red
Still anchored to this shore of love

And its another night that I don't want to
  go home
I just want to sit on the moon and cry for
  awhile...

The rhythm and the road
The rain and the cold
There's no place like home
My hearts with yours
Beating in sync
And no matter where I go I'm
  always at home

Home it can never be when you're across the sea
My hearts flown off to you
And there's nothing I can do
Lonely beneath the moon
Wanting only you
Home it can never be when your hands are in a far off land
My dreams have run to you
Leaving me blue alone under this dying moon
Longing to sit with you
Home it can never be when you're not filling my empty arms
My wishes would die for you
And I would pull down this fading moon
And cross the sea
And find the land
Where I would find you
And then at home
I would always be

His smile is golden
His heart is honest and pure
May he never change

We have to strive forward with hope
no matter how hopeless it seems
or we lead our children into a life and world
where only nightmares and worry
rule as kings and queens

Is it an empty wish
For you to give me
My last first kiss
I know that
It must seem
Hopeless
If I took the chance
And showed you
My naked heart
Shinning brightly
For you
Would you
Then belive
The words
I love you
I want so
Much more
Than you
To be
A lustful dream
An empty fantasy
My fist clenched
In an empty bed
With stained sheets
Of self gratification
I want
Everything
That I can't have
I want
Nothing more
Than your
Smile
To be
My morning
Sun
Your kiss
To be my
Wishes true
Your hand
Simply
In mine
To stop
All time
By
Telling you
I love you

I'm too old for this, I just can't drink like I use too... but I can't stop myself either.  Just one more... and another... and one more and another round.  Drinking it all down, my head throbbing the whole time...  My hearts gonna give any day now.  I can feel it bleeding through my ribs as I drain another hour out of a bottle, another bottle lost to the sea of my addiction... this infinite ocean of blue euphoria.  I tell myself just one more... and hours pass and I'm still thisty for more.  I fall asleep with another full shot in my hand and that doesn't slow me down.  Doing the same ****** thing in my sleep, dreaming only makes it worse.  In this ethereal state every part of me is drunk and drinking nonstop... Here my heart is obnoxious and loud, shouting its lungs out... bragging about how wasted and trashed and how ******* good it feels.  Buying round after round for the rest of me.  I can't stop it, not a single aspect of me able to refuse the poison being poured into glass after glass.  Its stronger than *** or whiskey or moonshine or the devils sweat or gods blood... The glass never even had to touch my lips and I was hooked.  Now every minute of every hour of everyday, there is not a single moment when my heart isn't  drinking in another as it beats in this drunken dream.  In every glass and every bottle and every shot is a picture of you

Its all horrible
We write it badly
We treat it poorly
We swim in it
We bath in it
We **** in it
We pollute it
And then we drink it all down
With all our dirt and filth
And blood and *****
We foam at the mouth for it
Perpetually thirsty for more
Hungry for our own human excrement and disease
Smearing ink in lustful fits
Burning paper and prayers begging the stars to deliver us to love
Or in true desperation
From love
Dog earring every page of a thesaurus
Yet never touching a dictionary
Four letter words disguised in elegant metaphors
All the flash of a deadpan affair
Of little meaning and no significance
We trudge through it day after day
Wasting our yesterday's
Chasing the forever distant tomorrow
Completely forgetting today again and again
We claim to dream
But never sleep
We die before we ever live
We only love to pretend
And only pretend to love
While whispering that four letter word
In the dark
Under stars and sheets
Moaning the minutes away
Grinding flesh over bones
Faking death as we carelessly spill life
Between ******* and on low backs
The four letter word echoing along our spines
As we come down from hollow ectasy
Then we bath in it
Swim in it
Pollute it
Treat it poorly
And worst of all write it down
The horrible act of poetry

She was a hot knife
Carving through deaths grip
Something heaven couldn't mold
And hell dare not to hold
She had whisky waiting on her lips
And sin blooming between her hips
Venom swimming in her blood
Poison waiting in her touch
Fools paradise in gold laden vines
Wrapped around and steal the last breath
Of those that found the snake hiding in her kiss
Nothing left
No ghosts
No bones
No soul
No trace or mist
After she has stolen
Your life and death
No one will rember
You exist

Give me death for an hour
To slumber in peace
And dream of eternity
Locked in autumns embrace
Gold to orange to red leaves
Still clinging to trees
Watching death dream
Unable to sleep
Hour by hour

How is it she make him happy from
  so far away a place?
How is it his heart so full when he has
  never held her hand?
How does it feel so much like love  
  every time he awakens
    in the middle of the night
How is it as if it has been there
  all along
Like she has always been the bird
  singing in his heart
He must be mad or crazy or completly
  lost it all
No skin no bones no blood no soul
How is it that he's smiling while
  lying there all alone
How is it he cant escape from a love
  he can't embrace

what a beautiful thing life is
that we can find moments
of joy in our tears

that we can become so happy
that we find we are unable
to do anything but weep

that we can find love
in both comedy and tragedy
in the simplicity of smiling
in the complexity of grieving
small gestures of gratitude
little acts of kindness

how lucky are we that we can find
our hearts with an over abundance of love
that love can overflow faster
than our hearts can beat
and our hearts can beat faster
than a falling star
desperate to find a last wish
faster than a hunger cheetah
and the gazelle trying to outrun death

how lucky am I to be here
to still be here
when there have been moments
when I had carelessly wished that I wasn’t
how many pennies have I tossed away
on thoughts that weren’t worth
the cost of thinking

and somehow I am still here
against the odds of my own self doubt
against the bets of my own loathing

how many times have I felt
that the days were too cold
the nights too long
how many winters
have I invited to stay
to keep the possibility of spring
from blooming in my heart

how poorly have I managed
both the gears and wisdom of the clock
what a grand illusion we make of time
to paste numbers on its face
to give it hands that cannot hold
what it can only watch slip away

to give measurement to something
that has no end
had no beginning
as if to mock infinity
to entrap eternity
to something so small
we could wear it on our wrists

much time is wasted
and I know this to be true
for a have wasted more
than my fair share

and yet
I am still here
and lucky to be so
what a strange and wonderful gift
to feel the autumn of death
slowly creeping through my bones
to be granted access
beyond the curtain and illusion of time
to see the magician
though a thief and a liar
is the same a fool as any can be
as many are

tomorrow is the same as today
and yesterday is still here
time cannot be tensed
by past or future stress
it can only be here
here for this one brief moment
this one short glorious pause of eternity
this long yawn slowly interrupting infinity
stuck somewhere between
the laughter of children
and the last breath of the dying

and how lucky am I
to be here
to still be here in a life
where I find moments of joy
in tears I am only
too happy to weep

We watch with hungry eyes
Starving for all their lies
No one can profit from the broadcast
  of the truth
And the whole world is crumbling apart
While we cower in the dark
Nothing but puppets for paper and plastic
Get it now and pay more later
Before it's even ours they will be selling
  something better
And we need it more than the needle needs
  the vein
And we need it more than blood
And we need it...
And we're begging like ******
Staring with hungry eyes
Desperate for the newest lie

I miss you
And I know it all
Seems as if its
Just abstract flirtation
And hopeless poetry
For the spirit of romantic gesture
And that it isn't truely...
That deep craving
Of endless oceans
And time weathered shores
Of waves cashing
With every beat
Of a heart
So desperately
And sickly
In love
That it could
Never die
Or be
Broken
And the simple
Madness of the truth
Isn't able to be
Writen or spoken
With any alphabet
Or language
And I could
Never describe
The how or when
Of it all
But I do
Know I will
Always be falling
Here
In this place
Where
I miss you

It's true I am pathatic
I am cursed for the worst
Of writing again and again
Nothing but the
Most horrible verse
No stanzas or prose
Of worth or pride
No willing words
Written in my hand
May ever shine
Oh I'm doomed
With no metaphors
Or scale
Again and again
To fail and fail  
And my flesh and
My bones
Rejected my both
Monster and worm
I was scratched
By the shadow
Of the moon
Long ago
I read every word
And remembered
Every line
Not an image
Within I could ever
Forget
And like the werewolf
Who howls
I picked up a pen
And I failed
And failed
As I tried to
Write about love
And the moon
I haven't gotten
Any better
I fear it's much worse
I have the curse
Of writting
Nothing but
The most horrible verse

I can't say I love you
  except when you're not near
I can't say I love you
  except when I'm far away
I can't say I love you
  until I close my eyes
I can't say I love you
  because I waited too long
And I can't say I love you
  even though it will always be true

Between brush and pen
And paint and ink
I cannot remember
I cannot think
Did I forget
To get some sleep?
I should be tired
But my eyes
Say no
They say I'll be fine
Just paint and
Write some more
But I need some new supplies
And now I wonder
Is it safe to drive
But no matter how hard
I try
I simple really do not know
If I took a nap or a wink
It really isn't very far
Let me hope
I do not crash the car

I wanted to write you a poem... but at the same time I didn't... I wanted to talk to you... I rehearsed possible things to say and I got as far as "hello"... I tried one day and all I got out was a quite and low "hi"... I think thats what I said, I don't really remember...I was nervous and maybe didn't say anything at all... I'm really bad at this.... I don't know how I ended up so shy or why I am...

true story... my first girlfriend came into my work... all dressed up... walked up to me and said, "So, when are you going to ask me out?"... I was 21 at the time... I haven't gotten much braver since... I finally did ask someone out once... I was 43 at the time... it was a rush... she said no, had a boyfriend... but still... I did it... finally...but... old habits... I wanted to write you a poem. ..  the same way I wanted to talk to you... but I didn't...

A hammer is useless
without a hand full of nails
except for some kind of ******

speaking of which
isn’t your ego overdue
for its crucification
to absolve you
of all your flagrant
self inflected sins

and not to bash on your intellect
because I know
there isn’t much of it left
as almost all of it
has been spent
on the overindulgence
of your self gratification  

you can pound it out
night after night
pretending that you love
everything there is about Jesus
with your hands
clasped in prayers
while making fists full of hate
believing you got a key
to the golden gates

while all you do
with your hammer
is **** any idea
that doesn’t align with your own
your heart is beating
for the only love you know
and that is your love for hate

believe what you want to believe
but even with  a hand full of nails
all you can do is ****** yourself
as some kind of idiot martyr

I don't know...
Maybe I'll just cry
And never sing a lullaby
Or I don't know...
Maybe I'll just die
And never speak another lie
Or I don't know...
Maybe I'll just let it burn
And let it fly away like a bird
Or I don't know...
Maybe I'll just **** all my pens
And never have to feel again
Or I don't know...
Maybe I'll just go to sleep
And dream the whole thing again

If only I were him and you were her and she didn't live so far away and we were all too busy to write about and long for love because we were all too busy enjoying its beauty and living in the center of its deepest depths and our thirst never came from a lack of desire and it all turns cliché as I point out that we are only who we are and knowing that still isn't enough to answer the question of who are you but an endless dream of a kiss that I will never receive and I find myself sleeping and napping just to watch it repeat on the walls inside my marrow over and over again and again...

If you want me
Just tell me that you
Love me
No need for complications
No poisoned cupid arrow
Heavens promise
Glistens on your lips
You can steal my heart
Without a single kiss
Just a gentle smile
And little whisper
In my ear
Dancing on earth
With hell and heaven
Caught between us
No need for prayer
Or redemption
Hand in hand
Waltz below the moon
Write our names
On every star
You can have all the dreams
Flowing  in my blood
If you want
My mouth to tremble
While yearning for your kiss
Just show me
That you need me
By softly spoken words
That will forever
Blaze in the
Center of my heart
Leave your name
Tattooed to
My souls flame
Then my servitude
Will be yours
When you tell me that
You love me

If I could only tame the madness within  
  my heart and calm it just enough so that
    I might speak or move or do anything at
      all
If I could only break the spell that has me
  mesmerized and made my mouth
    so deadly shy what mite it say,
      what mite it do
If I could only dream like monsters
and dream of only you and slumber
   deeply for a thousand years before
     my eyes saw the morning sun,
       that sunrise would come to soon

If I only had the time, I would fall in love with you
I would bend down the night and steal you the moon
And weave a blanket made from all the stars
I would peel a rainbow off a blue sky and fold it
  into a flower and place it in your hair
I would dip the quill of a feather into the ghost of
  Shakespeare's heart and write you a play
If I only had the time