Thin black silk veil covers transparent porcelain white skin and an illuminated red heart flutters wildly within
A mouth with the shape and shine of the moon echos with melancholy tears and laughter lost and a touch of lunacy for the dark side of things
She would fake a smile and say she was okay just to comfort her family and friends and it was easier than trying to explain the things they would never understand
She could handle the weight and the darkness and the monsters didn't scare her as much as she scared them and there was pain in every breath on the worse days and numb on the bad days and the good days seemed to pass in mere minutes and it never slowed down the wild red illuminated heart fluttering madly within her chest

Momma..
do I have to ****...
momma
do I have to die...

Yes baby...

why?

For freedom...

what's freedum?*

It's an illusion baby,
It's just an illusion...

she walked into the coffee bar
and was greeted
by the usual smiles
from the usual faces
and the usual hands
crafted her usual drink
to its usual perfection

casual warm smiles
were exchanged
along with the payment
for for the beverage
and service provided
both sweet and friendly

she walked to the corner
in the back
her favorite spot  
not overly bright in the day
and not under lit in the evening

she slouched back
into the booth
and found the
comfortable crooked curve
she liked in her spine
sipped the swan
off the top of her latte
and opened her sketch pad

her pen slowly twirled
in her hand
dancing between her fingers
pausing to

  tap-pa

    tap-pa
    
      tap-pa

on the fresh blank page

she thought of what he would say
her lips scrunched up
and raised slightly
towards her right cheek
while her pen continued
to tap dance on the page
and pirouette perfectly
on the tippy tip of her fingers

maybe he would make a joke

no...

he would be too nervous
he was after all
shy and timid
her mirrored reflection
in almost all accounts

perhaps small talk
something about the recent
peculiar habits of the weather
or maybe the terrible new muffins
that with great deception
looked so wonderfully yummy
behind the glass counter display

no...

they were both
too fond of silence
to break it over things
that were so trivial

no matter what he said
he would be nervous
and would try and fail
to hide this fact
behind his ever present
awkward smile

she knew what he wanted to say
that she wanted to hear him say it
but that it couldn’t just be said

not straight out

they were words too big
to pass through his throat
words too loud for her ears

words that could wait
words that could be said
without being spoken aloud
and still be heard

he had to say something though
awkward silence
though a specialty
they both excelled at
had both its place
and limited charm
and this was not its time
or place to be charming

she clicked the back of the pen
and placed the ball on the page
and started to make
lines and curves
some smooth
some jagged
a rhythm of uncertainty
from her moving hand and wrist

she imagined the sound
of his voice
and started to sculpt
and mold it into words
they floated there in her mind
juggled themselves
between past and present
metaphors and prose
truth and...

she smiled as she figured it out

he would tell her a lie

a harmless mess
of obvious mischief
not meant to fool
or mislead

but to entertain
and to humor
to hide
the much heavier truth
in plain sight

a small but loud giggle
and snort escaped her
and she shrank down
a little in her corner

she composed herself
sat up just a little bit straighter  
and then she began to write....

Why do we imagine beyond
the realms of possibilities
why do we dream of places unseen
why do we dare the stars to fall
so we may make wishes from their death

and yet do so little with our lifes

Why do we fear the things
of our hearts true desires
of love so beautifully blinding
of life so freely lived
that we make small wishes on the death
of stars falling from the sky

What is this life we live of work and toil
to wear away our years and flesh
to fade away in silent desolation
and grind our bones to dust and sand
and be less than memory of dying winds
wishing on stars that die
so they may come down from the sky

do we do too little or think too much
what significance are we
to the sun the moon the stars
when we believe ourselves confined
to the body of our flesh
and lock ourselves within our minds

that only in the breath of the hour
of our dreams that we can be more than
queens and kings of human misery
and take the shape of any bird
and fly beyond the realm of skies

and what is it to dream of places unseen
from what mind or eye did we dare
to steal away memories that were not ours
and from what imagination did we find
realms beyond the possible

were we nothing more
in what may have come before
lonely stars hanging quietly in the sky
waiting to be dreamt as something more
made out of flesh and bone
and be a home for a heart
that knew the truth
of living out loves true desires

imagine what could be
if we believed in the breath
of the hour of our dreams
and we lived a life
so beautifully blinding
that love was free to live
in its hearts true desire

Do you know its you
The one that I want
The one that I love
Just last night
I imagined you
Sitting beside me
I imagined the
Heat of your hand
Holding mine
I imagined your
Beautiful smile
Your beautiful lips
I imagined a soft kiss
I imagined your hand
In mine all night
Until the curtain closed
And then I drove home alone
I wanted to call or write
Tell you I wish you were here
Tell you I miss you
Tell you...
But instead I crawled
Into my empty bed
And settled for something less

I watch the sun sink into tomorrow
and remember when
it first kissed todays mornings sky
my youth lays behind me wasted
time killed
and all the numbers of the clock
dead in my blood covered hands
what a strange journey it has been
what a beautiful voyage

I almost drowned in a swimming pool
when I was four
or maybe five
pulled out of what could have been
my watery grave by a stranger

as an adult...
I almost intentionally drank poison

not that long ago...

saved by a storm
and a yard full of frogs

maybe I just imagined it
or maybe I am just lying
because I can’t remember
the whole truth of the situation
or just don’t want to admit it
but it seemed that over the sound
of the hard falling rain
and booming thunder
the frogs were saying
the frogs were singing

"don't go
don't let your heart bleed out
from what will one day only be a scare
stay a little longer
this pain is only unbearable now

stay

see tomorrow
it wont always be so bad
it may get worse too
we won’t lie

but stay

rock bottom isn’t always hell
sometimes its lower
the bottom of a bottomless pit
the sinking center of the heart of despair
an ugly place
true

but stay

put your head down
sink to the bottom
drown
stay down
until your ready
ready to come back up

the pain will follow
it will be part of you
sculpt it into a trinket
tattoo it over the scar it leaves
a note to remind you
whenever the pain becomes unbearable
it will only be unbearable for a moment
a moment that will feel like eternity
but only for a moment

every day of your life
may not always
seem worth living through
but in the end
all together
they will be
all the good
all the horrible
the blend of torment and comfort
we promise in the end
it's all worth it
it's all worth it in the end"  

a lot for frogs to say
there were a lot of frogs that night
and if they had not been there
maybe I wouldn’t be here
in this here and now
watching the sun
bloom tomorrow into today
and I’m glad
I’m glad I’m still here

Is it love?
This vague imitation of life
This thing we pretend to know
To do
To be
The reason we ****** our hands and knees
This thirst and exhilaration
What are we so desperate for?
What is this hunger stabbing in our belly?
In our guts?
In our bone and marrow?
What drives our instinct of survival?
How can we say we care about tomorrow
While ******* away today?
******* away our loneliness
Instead of facing who we are
In mirrors built for one
Bullets penetrating knife scars
Both in our backs and
In our chests
Cold steel and hot lead
Love triangle forever wed
Bleeding heart of hope
Dying by the rope
Noose tied
Dead tree
Cold hands
Stroking
The noise of lust
Pitter patter dead feet
Ghost in the hall
Wearing no reflection at all
Love in fake *******
Wilted by the dozen
Heart shaped box
Chocolate covered lies
Bitter lullabies
Rose colored lips
Breathing false sentiment
Two dimes for a quarter
To buy back lost alibis
Imitating life
What's the purpose
Without love?

Let no law
let no pride
come before your ability
and your decision
to feed the hungry
to shelter the poor
to protect the helpless

to turn your back away
to bow your head down
to be purposely blind
to those in need of help
is as immoral
as it is cowardly

I'm deep down in the thick of it all
And its hot and hummid
My flesh naked and sticky with sweat
From this loves hot hands molesting me
With echos of your picture
And dreams of your fingers raining down
Plucking on my hearts strings
Making it scream like a blue guitar
And it has never sang a song so beautiful and pure
And I know I shouldn't be here
But like when Blake married hell to heaven
And the needle stitched itself to ******
I just need a little more of this sweet sin
I'm not proud
I'm just a beggar
And I'm begging for your kiss
Let it burn me
Let it **** me
Won't you be my suicide
Because I can't get any higher
Because I'm not just falling
I have completely fallen
Let me die here by your side
I need your darkness
I need your demons
I need your pain
To to be my bride
And thats the madness
And the nonsense
Because I know
You can't be mine
But ****** to hell
I'll forever wander
Because from this
Dark delicious temptation
I cannot hide
I'm not proud
I'm just a beggar
I'm not hoping
I'm just hopeless
And I'm an addict
Begging for your lips
To steal my final breath

Blindly madly and impossibly in love
How is it that the mere shadow of
  your ghost
Has my heart lost in a dreamers
  haze
Has my thoughts chasing you
  through an endless maze
Has me digging deep through the
  ground
For something I had never lost
  but rather something I never held
And now I'm blind and I'm mad
  and somehow impossibly in love

I never thought that I would find myself
  here...
I never imagined I could feel this way
  again...
I was thinking as the years have past me by
That the only love I had left to share
Was for my one and only little guy
I had convinced myself
No one could compete or get near
  or take a residence in my heart
No time for crushes or falling and I would
  certainly never be lost and in love
No...
I love my little one
So completely
So fully
Theres no room for anyone else...
That's what I had been thinking my life
  had become
A beautiful life with a beautiful son
Nothing else needed
Nothing left to find
...
And then a single picture
Caused a domino effect
And somehow I'm...
I'm falling and dreaming
  and weightless and lost
And madly and impossibly
  and blindly and completely
And I'm over my head and
  I'm all out of breath  
And my skin, my blood, my bones
  my monster
Their all dancing and singing and
  shouting and dreaming
And dreaming and dreaming
  of you
And I'm lost in this place and this feeling
  I thought I could never find again

No breath can I take
Without your love in its grasp
Inhale and exhale

how many shots does it take
how many bullets fired
until you feel safe
beneath your kevlar vest
gun in hand
barrel smoking

was it fear in your eyes
or was it hate in your heart
a willing force of ignorance
that fueled such brutality

how dead does a man have to be
before you loosen
your finger from the trigger
how many holes
do you have to put into his body
before he is no longer a threat
how long does his heart
have to be still
before you feel
like you’ve done your job well

protector of the peace
upholder of the law
murderer of the innocence
yet innocent of ******

how do you escape the feeling of guilt
the taste of sin on your lips
how do you pray
with blood soaked hands

and the news is nothing new
the story stays the same
other than a new name
behind the hashtag
and the list grows
as does the number of grieving

Emmett Till is still dead
and the hate that killed him

so long ago

so long ago

is still alive
protected by kevlar vests
and loaded guns
that are emptied by fingers
choking triggers
with a noose tight grip

protector of the peace
upholder of the law
keeper of hate
how many more shots
how many more bullets
until you feel safe
murderer of the innocent
yet innocent of ******

Days seem longest when the sun won't set
Nights seem longest when the stars don't shine
I know I'll never be yours
Because you'll never be mine
Still nothing will **** this love inside
Nothing will let this heart beat die
No matter how much I cry
No attempts or acts of suicide
Not the death of all time
Its gonna be a long long life
With this love inside

In my heart he lays
  softly, gently, sleeping
In my heart he flys
   soaring through sky and clouds
In my heart he plays
  laughing, growing bigger every day
And in his heart you would see
  me dreaming just the same
And I wish he never had to go
Not for a day
Not for a moment
But when he's there and I'm here
In our hearts were still playing, laughing, dreaming, loving
We're never apart inside our hearts

Death reflects on clear water
  trapped inside plastic bottles
The scent of blood is choking
  the dust in the wind
And we lay here helplessly dreaming
  of who we could be
If we were not so afraid
  of who we are

The first time I saw her
  I never would of thought
    a girl that beautiful
      would ever love
        a guy like me

But then somehow
  she did
    loved me more
      than anyone had before
         or since
loved me more kindly
  more sweetly
   more more
    than I ever would have
      imagined possible

And even though
  it didn't last forever

somehow

in someway

it did

what has our intelligence done for us
other than soften our instinct
slow down our reflex
made us into habitual
connoisseurs of convenience
curators of insta-gratification  
creatures of know it all
without the need
to understand anything
the universe just
a night sky out of reach
just a spattering of stars dot the sky
all the cosmos overhead
and we are too consumed
by the blue screens that feed
the narcissism of our egos
to look up in awe and wonder
to question the arrogance
of our intelligence
to see how little we know
about the things we know
as we have killed the view of heaven
with the artificial light of our pollution
facts blurred with faith
and we ignore all the fiction
that causes so much friction
that we allow our children...
that we force our children...
to ****** other children
boys feeling like men
poisoned by patriotism and pride
in such a rush to die
for the words of freedom
never stopping to question
the definition of the repetition
and redundancy of war
never stopping to question
the repetition
and redundancy of war
never stopping to question
the redundancy
never stopping
the redundancy
the redundancy of war
as we will not question the intelligence
that infects us with
the sovereignty to be exalted
by our own cruelty
how else could we excuse
our history that keeps repeating
keeps its transcripts written
in the death and blood of the innocent
mislead by prejudice and hate
taught by fear and ignorance
all brought to us
by what we call intelligence

why were we given these hearts
this muscle beating below our ribs
what good is it
if only driven
by the intellect of our minds
our self indulgent intelligence
why have hearts at all
if we never stop to listen
listen to the message
of its beating
its pounding on our ribs
if we never stop to accept the wisdom
it sings in ever silent word
words that need no definition
need no ink or blood
written down in a declaration
of its reason to be living
it needs not our intelligence to survive
our intellect to live
it has its own wisdom
the wisdom of love
and in our grand intelligence
we are too blind to see
too deaf to hear
too unwilling to feel the truth
of how useless any intelligence is
without the wisdom of love

Beauty is not seen with our eyes
it is only felt with our hearts
and the truth of love
is the only beauty
we need find in this life

In time death will come
to reap the life
you have sown
and when you see
the harvest she lays
at your feet
will you rejoice to see
an abundance of fruit
or will you be forced
to see a garden
that long ago
rotted on the vine

Is it love...
The longing and loneliness
The misery and emptiness
The heartache and sickness
Is it love...
The wanting and needing
The stealing and thieving
The touching and greiving
Is it love..
Or is it all just
Delusion and dreaming

Is it too much?  The weight we have to bare
to accept being human, to take in all the bad
while trying to protect what little good we
have left
Is it too hard to accept?  All the ugly things
right at our doorstep, all the monsters
looking back from our mirrors
Children shooting children and all the parents
crying a day too late, we should have taught
them better
We should have helped them lift that weight
We could have taught compassion, nobility
and reason, instead we threw out food rather
than feed the hungry, taught hate and fear to
justify war after war
It isn't ****** if you're in uniform, minimal
loses of minimal lives
Is anyone keeping score?
Who can tell me whose god is winning?
Every side praying for better days while refusing
to find a better way
And it is too much and I cannot accept...
The weight isn't crushing me
The monsters don't frighten me
I just can't be human anymore

Is love so cruel
Am I only destined to be stuck dreaming
  of you
While you're never to be dreaming
  of me
We're living our lives in different times
  and different places
And I would come to you
If it were my face you saw when
  you dreamed
If it were my name you whispered
  in your sleep
If I knew I would never have to leave
And if I could just have five minutes
  or an hour or a night
If I could only tell you how far into
  my life my heart has taken this dream
I've seen my feet step off of a plane
I've seen you sitting across from me
I've seen us laughing and crying and
  sighing
I've seen my awkward attempt at our
  first kiss
I've seen you chase and catch me under
  the sheets
I've watched you under the moon that
   turned into the sun and the sun back
   into the moon
I've seen the plans and proposal and
   wedding over looking the sea
I've seen little versions of you chasing
  little versions of me
I've seen my eyes grow old watching the
  eternal beauty in yours
I've seen myself die and I've seen myself
  waiting for you on the other side
And I've seen the whole story over
  again and again
But is love so cruel that its only real in
  this dream
And never to surface as we live our lives
  in different times and different places
You've filled my heart and now it
  overflows
And you already live deeply and eternaly
  in my heart
If only you could come and be by my side
And we could both find that love isn't
  always so cruel

Isn't it time?  Isn't it time to stop pretending everything is OK?  That the agenda of the rich is more important than the suffering of the poor.  That the starving die from hungry while the fat cat of greed binges and pukes more than he needs and then goes back for seconds and thirds.  That we willingly let ourselves waste away with ****** knuckles and bruised knees and broken backs just to keep corruption in the blood of those we've let strip us of our voices and our power.  That we are nothing more than puppets and slaves of big business hiding behind the mask of goverment.  That might makes right.  That war is OK.  That as long as you're in the right uniform mass ****** is legal and just.  That our children are killing their children and their children are killing our children and thats just the way it goes.  Isn't it time?  Isn't it time to stop the charade?  To stop pretending?  To final stand up and use our voice, our words and our power... and scream **** NO!  IT IS NOT OK!  Starvation is not OK!  Bombs and bullets and the never ending cycle of war and hate is NOT OK!  Stop sacrificing our children to the march of war and the the business of men profiting from their tombstones.  Stop pretending we don't see the problem.  Stop pretending we cannot find a better solution.  That we cannot raise our children better, teach them better, LOVE them better.  Treat their lives better.  Put the old dog of war to sleep and spare their lives.  Let the gears of hate rust and crumble and teach them empathy and kindness and generosity and compassion and love.  

I dream that I have died... and in those dreams I cry, I cry my heart and soul out.  Not because I am dead but because I have promised my son that I would always be there for him.  And in these dreams I sob and sob... repeating... "I promised, I promised him I would always be there..."  Sobing and repeating,  feeling that I let him down and that I lied to him.  I cry long and hard in these dreams until I wake up crying and sobing a deep snot filled cry.  Deep painful sobs and cold tears cutting through my face and burning down into my soul.  Repeating in the dark,  "...but i promised... i promised him..."

And I know it wasn't a straight out lie and I know that death will make liars of us all... we all make impossible promises to keep...  If I live long enough to see him stand up on his own in this ****** up ugly world I will have kept my promise to the best I could...

That is, unless I fail to teach and raise him better... to show him empathy and kindness and generosity and compassion and love are the only real solutions to making things OK.  That bombs and bullets and uniforms of mass ****** are not OK solutions... EVER.  If I fail to do this, I may as well have died in my bed the night I dreamed I was dead.

It's cold in my living room and the kitchen and the bedroom and the grocery store aisles
It's cold during hot showers and long hours and morning coffee and humid afternoons
It's cold under blankets and sheets and stars and in bed
It's cold in my bones and my lungs and my skin and my blood
It's cold wherever you aren't
And its coldest in the place you left your fires burning in my heart

I know it’s not love
but you can rise the ghost
of my dead heart
and set fire to the dormant blood
below my skin
and though I will never feel
the warmth of your breath
along my neck
I will hear your name
in the echo of things unspoken
in languages only heard
in forbidden realms
where sin and love
have no shame
and pleasure is the only prayer
for fools who dare get lost
in the dark pools
of the pupils of your eyes
and find themselves carved
and inlaid into the eternal beauty
that can only be found in you

Come...

put your hand here on my chest...
feel this heart...
this beating inside...
this thing keeping me alive...

can you feel it...

do you know...
do you know...

it's you...

It's you...

When I say I love you what I mean is
I love you in a way that means
here is my love
take as much or as little as you need

whenever you need it
whenever you need it

and here this is my heart
but it is more than that now
it is yours now too

you can hold it in your hands
you can feed it to yours
you can hang it in the sky
you can put it on a shelf  
        and let it gather dust
you can press it between
           the pages of a book
you can stomp on it
you can break it
you can toss it away
      and laugh if you want

it’s ok
  it’s yours
it’s ok
  it’s yours

because I love you
and what I mean is that
when you need comfort
I will give you whatever
   comfort I can
when you feel ill or sick
I will take care of you
in whatever way you need
when you need someone
   to make you smile
I want to to do my best
   to give you a reason to smile
and when you don’t feel like smiling
I want to understand
    and weather the storm with you

when you are cold
I want to be warmth
when you are hunger
I want to be food
when you are lost
I want to be the road home

because when I say I love you
I love you doesn’t mean
I need you to be mine
and I need to be yours

it means here you made this
you gave me this feeling
and it is beautiful
and I am in your debt
and I give it back to you
not expecting
or needing anything in return

I am here
even if here isn’t by your side
you don’t need to love me back
the same way I love you

and if here isn’t a place
you want me to be
I will go wherever
you want me to go
if its hell
I will go to hell for you

and still if you need a little
or all or none of my love
it’s yours

take whatever you need
whenever you need it

it’s yours
   it’s yours

I want to get out of my skin
  and invent a new sin
I want to break all my bones
  and burn down my home
I want to stare into the windows
  of my soul
And see a sea full of eyes staring
  back at me
I want to escape the weight of
  all the worlds lies
And find the place were monsters
  and madness dance

I want it all
All the good
All the bad
Push your hair
From your face
Wipe away the tears
And when you need
Sit and cry with your pain
Until its consumed by us both
Becoming each of ours to bare
Whatch you dance with
Monsters of gloom and doom
And take over when your feet hurt and start to bleed
Sleep with your demons and depression
Absorb their tooth and claw
No pain of yours would I not share too
Never see the moon again
Never dream under the star filled sky
I would die by your side
Ask nothing in return.
I don't need heaven
There's no paradise
Worth staying in without you

To love you
All of you
I would glady stay
Eternaly in hell

I'm stumbling through cobwebs of lines
Drowning in alphabet soup
I'm not writing
Just watching the words bleed out
I will die here
In the warm embrace
Of your inspiration
And no death more lovely
For you touched my heart
With delicate fire
And maddening grace
And a garden bloomed
That spread into forests
And mountains and oceans
And worlds and stars
And moons and suns
And grew and grew
And grew
Until it enveloped universe
After universe
After univere
Until all things of heaven and hell
And all the cosmos
Had your flowers
Growing and singing and dancing
Within them
Yes I will die here
Watching the words bleed out
From my heart
And I will die
With a mad smile stitched to my face
Your delicate hand
Holding the needle and thread
And I will drift to the ever after
Forever in love with
You

I wish I was the fire  behind your words
I wish I was the blood inside your love
I wish I knew the wraith of your anger
I wish I knew the passion of your lust
I wish I knew the pain of your tears
I wish I knew what was hiding in your
  darkness that drove your fears
I wish I could build you a ladder that
  went deep into the night
I wish I could show you the endless
  fountain were only true love swims
I wish I could take you to where dreams
  and magic are part of every breath
I wish I could give you a love to fall
  upon that wouldn't break if it ever
    fell on rocky shores
But I've searched the sky night after night
  and haven't found a star that could
    hear my timid voice

I wish you were here notes
Tattooed  up and down my arms
Written in an empty coffee cup
On a lonely chair at the dinner table
On the empty couch with the tv off
Waiting on the extra pillow of my cold bed
Sleeping on the clock I can't stop looking at... almost 2:32 am
Sitting silently on my phone that doesn't make a sound
Little squares of paper with five words
Caught in this storm
Repeating repeating
  I WISH YOU WHERE HERE
And the largest note
  The deepest cut
Those same words
Carved across my heart

Jealousy is a heart dying from its own cruelty
Using envy to ****** the marrow of its own soul
With ghosts of things that never were