Ostracized by
Everyone.
Except when shown
Issues, problems, things they can
"Fix."
They never see me anyway.
Be happy
They say,
You are okay
Those lies spoken too often.
Then I,
Left in the corner
When finally finding purpose.

Misery likes company.

People mock happiness.

Looking in the mirror,
Who is that one
Staring back?
It isn't me.
I do not recognize
Happiness,
Talent,
Beauty,
Grace.
Was this who I once was?
Is this who I am?
Time and time again,
Staring at cold expressions,
Meaningless smiles.
Putting on a face so no one would see
Me.
Why would they want to?

Maybe this is the reason why.

...it hurts...
This pain,
Gnawing on my insides.
How long?
Memories...
They plague my thoughts.
Can't get away from what they said.
My tormentors,
Those bullies...
help...
They laugh and scream and jeer.
Why do you still play with dolls?
Why can't you do anything right?
Don't you have any friends?
Inadequate is what I am,
Broken,
Destroyed.

All I need is a spark of hope.

Give someone a role to play--
They will preform to the best of their abilities...

Except when they leave the play
Because another stage looks more interesting.

Sitting,
Hiding,
In plain sight,
A mask covering my face,
The mask just below most's pool of thought.
Who am I to say
That I'm the only one
Drowning,
Struggling for breath past
Thick lies the world tell me?
Lies I believe--
Ones I tell myself.

Yet most never wonder.
Don't care that others cut,
Find escape in the pain from the shame.
I find release in this.
Most never wonder.
Dancing on their merry way,
Damning those who are called depressed,
"No consequence for us, why care?"

Ones like me,
Masks of smiles, masking pain,
The ones who were taught to believe
They were never worth loving.

Why?
Why believe the lies they tell you,
Ones that you tell yourself?

You are better than they,
If only because you understand.

To trust,
Let people in,
Relationships.
That's what he said.
That psycologist with
Grey hair
Thinning,
Just like my relationships.
Lonely, hating, loathing myself,
Pain being controlled by addictions,
Shame,
My same shame increases the circles,
Addictions,
Running circles in my head--
Wanting to draw circles with a knife.
STOP THINKING.
My circles of friends growing smaller,
Isolate as the weather becomes cold,
My heart, iced, caged,
No trust, no love.
No one could love me anyway.
Right?
Wrong way thinking through this thick head
Makes it worse.
Wearing through my thin soul,
This pain, pleasure?
No. Run run away from this,
Soles of my shoes thining,
Just like the grey hair--
The psychologist's head.
Trust, love, relationships.
No shame in mistakes.
Let people in?

I always thought I never needed that.

His rejection still sits there
Crouched
In the back of my mind.
Even though it's been so long,
So long that I thought I moved on,
I still can't let anyone get that close to me.
I can't be open…
It hurts too much.
Too much to wish and hope
That someone may actually care about me
After I let them in.
And letting them in--
I know they will leave
Once they see the broken and
Ugly inside of me.
It isn't a good thing for me to fall in love
Cause I've never been loved back.

Just give him a chance
Start slow
*To let him see the real person and beauty beneith