trying to recall the words
you said to me in my nightmares
just trying to remember
the way it felt to see you there
memories i forgot i had
suddenly so clear
confused and alone
hearing your voice in my head
saying i told you id meet you here

im sorry i tore you down on all those days you were just trying to build
yourself back up,
im sorry i blamed you for other people falling out of love with you,
im sorry i painted you to look like your own worst nightmare,
and blamed you for hiding from your reflection.
im sorry i ripped away your childhood
and calling it growing up,
im sorry that i taught you that you cannot take a break from being strong without being weak,
im sorry i sold your favorite memories for drug induced hazes,
and that the real world soaked into this cavern of a mind you've built for yourself,
im sorry i could not protect you but most of all
i am sorry that i did not take care of you
i hope one day when your scars heal you'll forgive me
and carry on knowing
that i forgive you

the emptiness will not go away,
no matter how many times you
give into it.

I loved you in full bloom,
Not knowing I was the weeds
In your garden.

when the clouds align perfectly
and just for a moment
the sun shines through—-
that’s when I see you. that’s when I feel you. that’s when the earth beneath me collapses and I am staring blindly into the sky
begging for answers
I will never get.

Last night I woke up gripping your echo, and  drowned it out with *** and two Vicodin. I am so dramatic, when you left I felt like a child throwing a fit. Saying I was never going to eat again, feel again, love again. But there is a voice deep in the beyonds of my mind, that whispered over my screams, telling me that this feeling is all too familiar. The begging, the wishing, the sheer desperation.
I have felt everything. The anxiety attacks when you looked at me, the butterflies when you said I was okay, I was going to be okay— I’m going
To be okay.
And an emptiness creeping in with a bitter grin, that I welcome at the door.
What is different about the way you left is the way you said goodbye. Because you didn’t want to. You said you didn’t want to lose me, which I don’t think I’ve ever heard before. But we both know everything has to change now. I can’t be another sock puppet, lifeless and pretending to like that you only look at me with hungry eyes. You cannot break my bones and put me on strings. Leave my body for the vultures, and I promise when you visit the grave stone I will be blooming in the same spot you left me bleeding. Emerging from earth, rebirthed and radiant. Because I have gotten over this before.
And I have been okay before.
And I will be okay again.