the days are beginning to
bleed into each other
again

and i don't mean in the way
you clink a beer bottle
or raise a toast
or kiss someone
goodnight

i mean in the way that
feels like your bones
are sore from doing nothing
and your fingers are
screaming to touch more
than your peeling wall paper

i feel like i'm walking the
same road every day
and i never reach the end
but i know i'm walking
to my death

this might just
be where it
all comes crashing down
like rain that doesn't
sprinkle before it pours

all we can do
is sit on the ground
and let
the sadness
soak through

and that's the
real tragedy

Fear is engraved into my bones, trembling at your touch is built into my system. But these days I don’t know why I’m shaking. These days I feel like I’m constantly holding together my paper machete heart with glue that doesn’t stick. With love that doesn’t feel right. I wake up tasting your blood more often than I fall asleep remembering the way you made me feel. I have never been so heartbroken I was afraid to look it in its eyes. I suppose I did this to myself. I was fourteen years old painting my blue eyed addiction to look like love. But love doesn’t look like that. Love doesn’t feel like that. And now I’m eighteen and I know that
I felt it when you touched me, and I am so scared to be touched again because I know it won’t feel the same.
They think it was the rough hands from six years ago that makes my bones ache but it is the memory of you in my room, stroking my hair and pretending like you loved me. It is you holding me on the night my life fell apart. It is me in your car holding your hand and wondering how bad it’d hurt when you let go. It is the mess you made of me, and the days I’m too afraid to ask myself what’s wrong. A heartbreak so painful it can bend your bones out of shape until the only thing left of your ectoskelton is a shadow of what you once were. When your screaming turns into an echo but you don’t remember the day you started biting your tongue . And you start to wonder when you stopped taking off your ring before you got in the shower. When you stopped saying I love you before hanging up the phone.

And when it all falls through the ceiling and all that’s left to do is sit in your broken home,
you’ll remember

you saw the walls crack weeks ago.

I LOVED YOU CARELESSLY AND SLOPPILY, LIKE YOU HAD ANSWERS ID SPENT MY LIFE SEARCHING FOR AND I LET BOYS DIVE INTO MY HEART HEADFIRST HOPING THEYD FEEL LIKE YOU
OR THAT I WOULD FALL IN LOVE WITH ALL THE WAYS THAT THEY DIDNT
BUT I REMEMBER YOUR EYES THAT NIGHT AND THAT MEMORY STILL CHASES ME

I SCRIBBLED OVER THE THOUGHT OF YOU UNTIL IT TASTED WRONG LIKE ITS SUPPOSED TO BECAUSE I WANTED TO LOVE MYSELF AND I WILL SAY WITH GREAT SINCERITY THAT I AM HAPPY NOW

but i remember
i was a fool
i wanted to beat you,
i wanted to be ahead but there’s a stigma and a consequence with every life ive lived.

I dreamed about you last night; and it didn't hurt. Not until I woke up and realized it was just a dream, that is.
It doesn't have to be romantic, you don't have to touch me like I'm silk, you can hold me with rough hands and look at me with tired eyes,
After being in the dark for two years,
Even the worst of you illuminates me,
Even the worst of you sets me free

A green screen doesn’t hide who you are,
It hides where you come from, and
I want to dig into your throat and pull out the
Memories you choke down with your coffee every morning,
As if they are seaweed caught in the ocean’s esophagus preventing it
From breathing;
I want to pry your ribcage open with a crowbar and take out the
Raindrops that are drowning your heart so you will be able to
Smile without throwing up,
I want to give back whatever this solar system took away,

I wish you would let me in because I am the sunshine you need
To melt away the nuclear hailstorm inside of your skull,
I am the first flower of spring that reminds you that winter will be over
Soon all you need to do is hold on,

Your past is a part of you,
And if you keep it in a cage
You will never be able to tame it.
Take down the green screen, put down your coffee cup,
And I will give you the stars that the night stole from you,
Because the mistakes you made are not tied to your soul.
You are what radiates in this world,
Let me give you a love that is reciprocal,
That is the love that you deserve.

In the past year I didn't forget the agony i went through, scrolling through profiles of people you might be interested in, people you might value more than me.
I didn't forget all the blood-chilling nights, where I simply longed for you. Every 11:11 was dedicated to you, to wishing you would love me. Every 12:12 was dedicated to me, wishing I didn't love you.
Every day and night, every afternoon and morning, every minute and hour; there you were. Swimming through my thoughts, diving headfirst into my dreams.

And the worst part is, you didn't care. You knew, somewhere in your mind, that you were killing me.
Of course, it isn't your fault you didn't love me, but who's fault is it that i was hopelessly in love with you?
I don't know if i should blame myself, for not listening when i was warned, for not running when i was pushed, or if i should blame you for using me.
Using me to raise your self esteem, to make her jealous, to entertain yourself. Who's fault is it, that every october is going to hurt for the rest of my life?
That every spring breeze will sing of you?
I have tried it all. Pretending you never existed. Coming to terms with what happened. Anger. Forgiveness. All of it. Sadness, acceptance, grieving, whatever else there is; i've done it.

I blamed myself, I blamed you, I blamed her.
Maybe it's all of our faults.
We all took a part in the chaos.


But nobody has ever told me what to do when the tragedy ends and all that's left is brittle bones and broken windows.
How do you rebuild a body, after a tornado?

Maybe if I change my name,
I'll forget yours.

Maybe if I break this body bad enough, I will forget the way yours felt.

If I rip the skin from my bones, if I pull the hair from my skull, If i bend and break myself until I look in the mirror and see a stranger,
maybe then I will forget how it felt to love you.

IVE NEVER HAD THE CONSISTENCY I CRAVED UNTIL I WAS FACING BACK TO BACK DEPRESSION THAT ONLY SLOWED WHEN I SLEPT AND I WANT SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST AND SOMETHING THAT WILL ALWAYS STAY AND I WANTED THAT SOMETHING TO BE YOU, BUT INSTEAD IT WAS THE ACHE IN MY BONES AND HEAVINESS OF MY HEAD, MY LUNGS DRIED UP AND YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A DRINK OF WATER BUT YOU WERE AN OCEAN WITH ROUGH WAVES THAT WERE ABOVE MY ******* HEAD AND I DESPERATELY WANTED TO BE THE ONE TO CALM THE SEAES BUT THERE WAS NOTHING CALM ABOUT YOUR HANDS AND MY CONFESSIONS AND HOW AT THE END YOU WERE EXPLORING SKYLINES WHILE I WAS STRUGGLING TO BREATHE