Where have I been?
Did I go on holiday?
Or was I locked up somewhere I couldn't form memories in?
Shocked all mind out of me like a floating anecdote in the dead of a disco; vacant, radiating.
Spinning like the mirror *****, the records soundtracks to my
Prone to oblivious nature.
The past is lost on me
Lost dogs, cats, turned to strays by a world that won't let them remember
Wander helplessly around my head
Like a coven of forgotten souls.
In being forgotten, they forgot who they were.
In being asked where I've been, I forgot who I was as well.

When the vastness of the train station and trouble with an umbrella cemented a lack of time
We rushed through the rain;
London annoying me to the point I threw myself into the corner shop
Grabbed my pocky without gazing up at the lanterns
And sweated it out on the tube.

One chance to see Chinatown gone
But we had pizza to eat
An ice rink not to go to as we settled for a record fair
Those time bomb nights metamorphosed into bedroom discos, a carefreeness I only understood once seeing you jump up and down in the midst of like minded strangers.

Before that came the Hebden murderers
A song told through the eyes of ducks
Sisters who met on the internet
Shivering to Frankenstein till the ******* night, ******* coffee
Worst 3am of my life crying down the balcony once not feeling your presence.

I’ll never forget the house of Frida Kahlo, it’s guitar
And the champagne drank out of a pop star’s shoe
Chinatown’s gone but we’ll be there again, even if it takes another year and a bit
Because I never shared the feeling of having a sister until I met you.

To be away with the fairies in Koukounaries
I reach for it with the clammy hands
That built lady bird houses and dug black holes, perching in them like a cherry magpie until the dérma tis fotiás

The fear of filling myself up too much drove the planes away
Now they’ll be swooping over my head, plummeting me into the comfort of sting rays, starfish, wasp free shells

My cosy skeleton will love the scalding
The schooling of how to smoke cigarettes on the inferno proving to be a
Vignette vision of a blood ocean, one only my Aphrodite eyes can see glowing

I can't stop feeling sad.
It feels like junk overloading
on a machine and I'm the poor sucker.
Then it scatters like mad rabbits,
rabid blue and tatty... frantic.
Just one more lost star for the collection.
They're all the same
but you always singled me out.
I was worse than the others
and you wonder why I become what I become.
I always thought there was one last
dash of dopamine, something to live for.
But it was a waste of breathing.
it's time to give some air to someone else.

She furthers the syndrome
Of the family portrait
Her husband a knight;
Her children slight.
They haven't been born but she'll have them when she's bored.

For now she's entertaining the spots
Named each one
Congratulates her executioner
With a kiss; breathes another hiss.
She uprooted evil in one more girl
Before jumping off every cliff in the world.

Am I your auburn day
In a world of flaxen nights?
It feels like i'm a convenience,
Everybody went home for summer
And I'm the only fool, fool enough
To take the pity like a girl
Never distinct enough to be wanted.

We went to so many places
And still I keep myself locked in.
It doesn't feel real
Pictures never emerge
And what I've found is that
I'm okay for an escapade
But anything more than that?
I'm something to be hidden.

Buzzing, buzzing, buzzing
The radio waves are crushing
I still hold out for one harmonious note
But the screens aren’t clear yet
A flip of a switch
A brain, a heart, a shaking hand stilled
Nerves pricking up like bewildered cat ears
Drum beats punch me
Down down down
Into your beautiful frown

I wasn’t expecting this
I wasn’t even looking for it
Yet as I’m thinking about how my bones will be cranberry coloured from this drink
You’re figuring out ways to be the worlds first rainbow supernova
An unexpected transmission
Just one second to put the spaceship in ignition and we’re here
Smiling stupidly from ear to seaside pier

As from today, I don't have a heart of stone
In fact I never hated you, in fact I loved you
But I have a tendency to act otherwise
Especially when you make me so nervous
Said heart knots itself into a stony oblivion
Stands still through my isolated affection
I promise it's being knocked down any day now
Even if I don't see how, I've loved you throughout
The healing, the building of something new
Throughout the zoysia it's always been you

I wonder where her spirit went
After being killed by the man she loved.
Always men: greedy
Yet remembered in history and literature
That I have to depict
Not once but twice with another man
Who said I wouldn’t like the woman who was literally beat and cheated on by her husband if she’d been alive
To see me dance to Portrait of a dead girl.

I’d like to think she’d realised
The poor traits of the man she’d shoved
Time and time again into beautiful paintings
Because that’s all they were:
Just a likeness of a person who should’ve protected her, not poisoned her
And showed her off to the spectators of the crime, guzzling wine
Becoming a permanent portrait in my mind.
I hope she’s having an amazing time.

There's so many simmering pastures,
please stop the bristled fingers
that infiltrate my body like pretty
splinters making bruises and
tearing my hopes apart
as if they're just some book.
I've been naive in the past 
but now I know not to trust you.
Tomorrow always fades away
with greying moon dust.

Savage me you could
Brunette bird in a world of wolves
Countryside to city
Drenched in rain either way
But still unstoppable
You look over your shoulder
That porcelain shoulder
The bones, the tips of your fingers
Gently nudge me
Right where I needed to be nudged
To follow you into the night.

Looking back on everything
Sobriety, ecstasy
Loud mouthed moth
Drowned in questions but staggered out
Unladylike, feminine as ever
In candy wrapper kicking boots
You sing me to sleep
Without plaiting my hair, no lullaby
Just a beat of notoriety
Right when I needed to feel notoriety
To follow myself into the night.

No one would say a credit to you...
All I do is cry
Wish I could be in love
Just to have something to show the furrowed brows and walk away's
Wish I wouldn't be sick
And love the wide eyes of death
I'm not your amber girl
I'm not your skinny *****
I don't have daddy's money or a car, wish I was neurotypical enough
Man, I came out with foggy vision
Catastrophic from the start
And when there's helicopters round your baby's heads,
There's bound to be high expectations,
I just can't be that for you.

Drunk on adrenaline
We screamed each other hello from the DLR to the party
Sang each other goodbye before we didn't have a chance to
Four to three went to two and then one with amnesia
I wish I remembered you like I wanted to
I wish I remembered you like I wanted to

Dramatology in its purest form
I wasn't pretending to like you, I do but I was shy
And numb from the railroads that pedalled their manic wheels of fortune
Blessing me with not bravery but temporary bliss
We partied till I remembered you
We parted till I remembered you

The steel city shines bright sometimes
Only when I dream of seeing you there
I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't
There's no money, no heart around this tunnel's lines
I can't keep you secretly
In my room like it's a snow globe
We're the pellets, the flakes that fade under feet
And yet we're so lucky to have pulses that fleet
Until we finish the call
When we wake from the future we should have
If the world was normal and rules weren't made up
By men channeling the steel
I wish that our life was real

“Is this artsy or slutty?” I asked, knowing full well I want to be neither
Manspreading on the stairs
Instinctively commenting on it
Taking up a girlier posture before giving into the fragility of being a sapphic salutation.

Funny how I was sent wavelengths
To sit in a certain way by a pretty clairvoyant, her eyes on a voyage
“It doesn’t mean anything” I thought
Until the angel numbers struck
The freeness coming undone.

I wish I was someone else
With enough sense to wish
You would've sent me away
So I could morph into a stranger's bloodline like a London city light.

I see myself in everyone who gives me kindness;
I doubt it's normal to wonder if I'm theirs but I do
In not finding the same kindness in you.

I sit in the wake of the plans
Vowing not to drink but doing it anyway, one urge from you
And I'm right back where I was before I met my friends

Who tell me I'm worth more
Than every streetlight
That makes the world so radiant
In the dead of December
Where it takes the cold ***** in me to remember

I need to be brave
And fun myself into running into the girl you could've been
The girl you could've been if you hadn't have had me.

The barn was almost bare
And autumnally bloated with draft.
There was a hole they couldn't be bothered knocking a plank of wood over to keep any more
stock from going off.

But they could knock up their wives with no problem at all -
More grubby mouths to feed, more grabby hands at the table...
The animals knew this.
The animals wanted revenge.

Stoked by ammunition
Their fleets like pigs hearts fleet
Trotters, hooves, spider webbed feet
The humans under attack as the Sunday banquet made knives out of horns and teeth
Revenge was sweet like people meat.

There's blackness as I wake
Even as I wake it's still night.
It might be sullen of me
But waking up is heart rending when you have nothing to wake up for.

Saturnine bells ring as if I should shoot up, sing till my voice is sore
In the 7am pre rest
Of at least on the outside, resting for the rest of the day.

I could write, I could respond to who could change my life
Get myself out of pathetic debts burdened onto me by fellow humans
Who should adapt to my snails pace; not urge me to rush.

I feel like my head is tagging along behind my body
Or vice versa
I want the coffee to make my dreams come true
Without me having to face rejection.

I wanted to die at twelve
So knowing what to do has become a rare jewel for a planet
That saw the other orbs living freely and didn't follow suit.

It wants me to wake and detonate
Fade into fewer words
And sit pretty with my Venus face.
Slotting myself between depression and depression seems like a common thread for most

But I can't do it.
I just can't do it.

Little spats here and there
That's all they are
But each one leaves a scar
Or so I fear.
Duplicating rapidly
Outweighing the incredible
Songs, galleries, snow globes shared together
I'm scared you'll get bored of my grouchiness
Like I say, it's not you
It's the ache I'm suffering through.

How do you sleep at night
Knowing the truth is out there somewhere?
Masks won't help you hide from the fact you're a brat, just take the consequences and **** it up.

See we've gone from me loving you, trusting you, protecting you
To me being unsure who to believe
It's not the one with allegations spanning longer than your larynx reflexes

Reflect on that cause babes, they don't sound healthy at all.

I lurk on the surface;
a two headed monster.
Though I hold one eye open
it’s hard to depict
who is true, who is of use.
Whether they are using me
or are useful to see
how it will go down when
I find a similar fish.

Contaminating my insides by
Sending ashes down my pharynx
Sabotaging my career
To score damp pits of my eyes
Tired and heavy, red from the puffs
As if they aren't ****** enough

The truth is
Inhaling w33d only makes me sadder
I'm just trying to sit under rainbows
Hoping some of it stains my skin
Better than lacerations ever could
Any blood waterfall is dangerous

I'd give you a locket
An imaginary locket
That you'd keep around your neck
For good measure.
A picture of us in fairy dust and charcoal nights
I'd wake up every time for you
Cuddle you till you weren't sad
And in the end we'd be glad
you'd opened up
till the time you reach my age
Me your grandmother's age.
At both sides of life it's okay;
If I tattooed your name on my wrist it would mean something
More than an ownership.
You'd never have to pay for your existence,
Never shed a tear over words thrown around like birthday presents I could pride myself on being acts of love.
Sometimes I fear I'm too small to bear a child
Too compressed by bad genes but in that there'd be so much determination to do it right.
From your locket I would shine the softest light.

They're everywhere.
Girls on television with Hepburn bodies to fit into the margins of magazines, page 3.
Miasmic necks like giraffes to chase scenes as if they're paparazzi with their wine
and ritzy bones.

Suffocated in lip fillers,
It's a surprise no one has burst their silicone bodies,
zeppelins pop, emits poses for a new slattern orbit.

They're articulate;
put thought into every word,
sentences like lines of crystal virtue on lavish vinyls,
another dumb blonde for the
headlines - head space of naive youth.

Hand jobs to antagonise,
i agonise over crimson nails
liberating ***** with cuts of scarlet joy in rapture -
welcome to our modern culture.

They're infatuated with;
lucent screens set eyes aglow
to highlighted cheeks disguised as moons, an unearthly cult called, "mystic aliens of media control".

No. romance is dead,
it only exists in movies that star
******* Angelina Jolie.
Being adored is prone to vanity;
role models get to giggle,
play chaste to be bijou in the arms of Zeus,
while i act as chimera.

How can they say you're a bad guy
When your eyes well up at the softest of sounds?
The man with peppery hair and walks his dog through the Manchester clouds.
You're candid about your struggles, there's no shame in being a luminary, a friend
And these social issues, injustices are not your fight but you'll see it through till the very end.
We've seen you through the ages - flowered shirts to suits and ties, the same one washed daily
You're a normal bloke though it's safe to say you're not doing too well lately.
Just take into account that if you purge the atypical parts of yourself, you'll be unhappy either way
And if it was up to me, you'd embrace every tint of grey around that dewy eyed face.
How can they say you're a bad guy
When your eyes well up at the softest of sounds?
The man with peppery hair and walks his dog through the Manchester clouds.

Our country is insidious
I'll say it loud, I don't care
Our leaders have hollow guts
They blame it on inflation
The Great Depression part two
But it's fake, it's fake
It's all ******* fake
It starts with men and it'll end with men, old men
Telling us how we're gonna live our lives but who are you?
Do I know you, have we met?
No
So I don't believe you should be declaring a war on behalf of people you can't name
I am working class,
I am a woman by your definition
Your professionals can't even keep me in a dreamlike state
And so my disorder is my confessional
I am simple, I am too smart
Too loud, I don't have a voice
So I can't say anything but here in my room I say
You can't start something you can't find a solution for
If you want to praise hollow gutted men, go ahead
But none of them are gonna **** you, so...

Opals turned sideways
Was the shape of her eyes
Though one sagged, the other in a dream
A cluster of halo lids came a muse it seems.

Her hair unraveled
In wisps of barley, freckles of snow
“I inhabit cloud nine”
Said the strawberry mouth, glossy with plump plum glow.

She mumbles us a lullaby
Of what life means, of apple pies.
Made up words that make sense to her but they lose it.
They stop her in her tracks.

I want to speak up
Though it’s all too heavy.
It’s heavy for me while she’s light as plumes, drifting and drifting
There’s something about her that’s loopy.

The woman is from another time,
You can’t make friends with her.
This conversation skyrockets on
Until I’m in the corridor
And I can’t see her raincoat anymore.

Woven with yellow, the rivers blues, a lack of haleness suffused with daffodils
Sends the sailors head over heels
As she floods the room with hailing screams.

Watch out, watch out, watch out I say, I’m too anxious to talk today.
I’m numb all the time and so is she - I think she sees this and approaches me.

She is there for a second
And then she’s the sunset
Here to shine the day goodbye without articulating it
Like mist

A trick of settling upon the hebden moors
Only to manoeuvre her own country shores.
I step in
And the world is no more.

Don't let me stand on your shoulders.
I've got two left feet but I can do pirouettes around you
And your financial stability, home and office job.

I'm only 5'2 but there's altitude in my ambitions
Far as it may be, I want what you have and more.
I went from auburn to Hepburn, my clubbing nights are scarce but each piano in London knows me

Like a young woman knows the fun and the hard work to be had in life.
It's simpler than you make me out to be
Mice aren't stupid and nice isn't polluted
I just like gentleness.

I don't like being talked down to by broader shoulders.
From feet on the right way to security when I can do orbits of verve's and souvenirs
I am a clammed Pearl, true blue
I am a woman just like you.

I've known you for a second
And I already want to move in.
Look through kaleidoscopes with you as the roof ascends us like shooting stars.
Find the ugliest decor
and kiss each other better after week long benders.
Your **** was a genies lamp
Sitting pretty in the mould of the seventh apartment in a month.
It only takes a second
for me to hit the roof
when you touch me out of the blue.
It only takes a second
For me to fall in love with you.

Chalcot Square reminds me of charcoal
Eyes struggling to fight
Clay melted by sunlight.
Building blocks of pill bottles
Balamory houses in a myth I can’t get to.

I’ll go someday
Until then I’ll keep walking circles
Letting maps lead me into school roads.
I’ll celebrate once I’m dead
Like the ghost of the girl I tried to visit.

I desperately crave to be perfect.
Don't even want to grab it, hold it
I just want to have it
But some people don't possess it
And I'm one of those people.
Pathetically dreaming.
Pacing from this failure to the next.
Well maybe everybody else's flaw is that this is what they believe of me.
They don't have the courage to see I will find my way eventually.

I'm in the underbelly of recovery
Mutating with
Every changed thought
My curves hugging my dress to I'm splurging out
Hot, heavy, popping
Dissipating spine yet feeling divinity
It's too vast but I want to do stuff
I don't want to faint
***** in a limo
Be asked if I want to sit down by a man who wouldn't give a **** if he saw me now
I like to think of myself as a vampire; To enjoy blood not from my own oesophagus
And maybe I do have a higher chance of immortality,
At least when it comes to dispossessing Anorexia of its liquidation.
It still winds round me like a time bomb and always will.
I thank god it's stagnant.

I live within states
Divided by fields
I never got drunk in as a teen
Cities I feel I’ve lived in a thousand times
Maybe I handled them better in a past life
The mediocrity of mouse towns
Borrower minds, nowhere to scream these words on a stage
And a seaside that changed my state
In fluctuating, horrifying ways.
I don’t always live within states
But I will in the balmy beach of those summer weeks
I’ll laugh myself up treacherous Greek steps and cry under starlit Swiss skies
The state of me is a never ending paradox…
At least I’ll distract myself from that fact in the art of knowing how to adapt.

People aren't zombies
We know what you're up to
Burning your own aeroplanes
And we get the blame
Very pretentious, extremely smart
You wouldn't start a riot
Just handshake after handshake
Deliberating on whether peace is fundamental enough
Emergency alarms
Trans kids dying in the parts of town you refuse to show on telly
Just reported, people are zombies
It's the global warming after party
No Mars, no spaceships
Total apocalypse
You know who's to blame?
******* politic zombies.

Your eyes beseech us
Implore our feminine instincts
To give in
We are swooning, we  are easy
We are like driftwood
We are the deer
And you are the knights
The charlatans...
you are the firearms
The bullets fleeting
The hearts that stop beating
When you climb on top of us Decrescendo of breathing
It's all black and white to you
But who can blame you
We are pallid
We are rainbow
We are heathered
We are jet
Face it
You're panting in and out
While laying on a corpse
She just died
She'll be there underneath you
Till the second death occurs
Third, fourth, fifth
Hundredth
Your face is everywhere
Undeniably slick
You think you're gods gift
You don't deserve the consequence
We deserve hell
Well, I hope this shakes you
If the law doesn't break you
And nobody ***** you.

As the planes went over my house
We talked about everything.
Pink and orange Flores I wish were white because I picked those
And the tea I should be drinking with you but I slept through the flight. We're always sleeping.

When we're not, we're waiting for whoever it is to let us go.
Like the ones who caused us to mishandle these situations
And the ones we'll love next if we fall out of infatuation but god I hope this connection wasn't made for nothing. It can't be nothing.

I took a wrong step is right.
Who admits that they have a boyfriend after slobbering all over me, their lips hardly lips
Just skin on a pierced face.
The shock of me and our friend, the confession of a lifetime
That I'd be your type in a different universe.

The one where you don't have kids, not that I minded but you'd make up any excuse not to see me again.
The one where what you write has more substance than the vape
You **** harder than your boyfriend's ****.
For a lesbian you're ******* pretty hard.

Apparently I was looking at you
With eyes only a lover would use.
It was totally nothing to do with the ever changing colour of your hair,
Clothes with me all over
The mouth that butted in when it wasn't wanted.
Only for my one eye not to be cool enough for you.

Don't profess your love.
Don't **** and dump.
And don't post your ugly man upon my feed as if he's worth showing off.
Let him hibernate till spring
Unless he's also a fling
If that's the case then prepare to cry and complain in your stupid soliloquy's until it's Autumn again.

Cold feet in the lamplight,
wooden floor, cat prints.
Cola stained teeth scrape
to the bottom of the gin glass.
The taste of alcohol is too sickly.

Creature of the night,
blankets, locks on the door.
Crumbs on a plate start
to look like the content faces of
people who are never lonely.

I took my foot off the gas
Of a car I never owned
Got a job as a ceiling starer.
I stared into anatomy
Face shapes and circumstance
All I found was a lost school dance.

I'd smash your fingers in my piano
If i had the chance to walk into your life like a lie dressed in silk.
I can make out your figure through the reflection of the glass bottle
Wonder why it got you in full throttle

When I was alive
When your baby cried
Already with suspicions.
When all she did was abide
By the rules of how to survive
In such a ****** up situation.

Restless heart,
Why bleat when you'll be full soon?
A simple breathing exercise
Turned panic attack, you can't decide, why?

You'll be laughing
Tripping over drains, pebbles
With a friend who covered a vast distance for you
Isn't that healing?

Nagged to leave
But there's a part of pain you'll always keep
With no eyes you're ******
Though in the rush there's luck

There's a restless heart
That pleads with me to let it be full
And I can't promise it
But believe me, I'll try.
These Sunday eyes I'll vow to dry.

Boyish, boyish boy
So typical, you play guitar
The boring way
The boy way
The want my body way
You’re not the first to make me compromise
My learning with my ****
Brown eyes scoping Italy
Over my thighs, the ones you snap
Compare to yours
Knowing **** well I tried to starve them E string size.
You’ve got no lips
I’m kissing your cupids bow
Foul, foul morning breath
You take pride in not smelling
But you smell like rotting meat
Meat with hair, too much hair
Even on the back I’m supposed to scratch
And you call me awkward
Blood on my chest
I don’t know how you ******* dare
Grab my breast one more time
I’ll ******* **** you
******* boy.

He was a battle cry in the dark
To latch on to the last remaining
Sparks of a past life
Ignorance in the first degree while witch hunts ****** the dangerous
In theory he's inquisitive
He should handle emotion with care
But he was a dagger in my wounds
Which he jokes about
In turn with those who can't walk, cant talk, cant eye stalk
And in trust we signed our traumas to him just to mark them as average
To reward a mans unspoken need to discourage a woman
Who gave every word to him.

I was asleep
then the world was ending in the shape of a figurehead.
She was a dream sequence -
A tradition, a hope, a robin on Christmas Day...
Often came for tea and now these clouds and double rainbows,
They all must be signs.

But robins rob.
Feathers of hazel are making room in heaven for a heathen
One who hoarded Africa and befriended the axes who cut it apart for treasure.
Wedlock with her cousin was all orchids so long as the children weren't dud buds.

I remind myself to have humility
Then the world is fighting over a billion pound bet.
She is in her casket asleep -
A shiver, a starve, a million with her by Christmas Day...
Often came for tea and now these clouds and double rainbows,
Though I still question why.

Narcissism reached its peak
Years of climbing
Dodging rocks
It's at the age I should've understood
But your empathy's in stasis
If you didn't wanna pay, you shouldn't have had a kid, man
So sorry for existing,
For eating you out of pocket
Wrecking my voice,
Crying too easily
The narcissism goes on
The light of gas is strong 
And I'm running out of breath
I'm really running out of breath.

When I was born
I should've automatically been given all the jewels in the world.
I didn't ask for poverty
Enjoy everything from a distance
I wanna be in it.
Not looking up
Fighting the nausea of saying no
Putting life on hold.
It might be selfish
But i believe a parents situation shouldn't involve a child.
A child shouldn't have to
grieve the life they could've had
Even with working.
We wake up to bathroom lights and end our day with them too,
Why would anybody want that?
I'll be homeless soon because my mum wanted a little girl
Who wanted all the jewels in the world.

Home from a soirée
And I'm done with so called professionals
Writing includes patience and love and a knowledge of character
But it's always excuses
It's part of the story
We all see through your cursive
And take pride in the curses
we put on you
For putting them on us

When a boy slept in my bed
I felt like a hostage.
When a girl slept in my bed
I felt a *******.

He left marks on my neck,
A smell so repellent.
He was rotting in there
While girls give clean air.

His hair was long
But girls sing songs
Of butterflies and care;
Cannibalise my stare.

Flying eleven hours,
Checking in with just yourself.
Finding webs up the walls,
Face to face with strangers.
Surely it doesn't compare to me
Someone you've known for mere days but still, just me.
Lopsided view, eyes only for you.
When they work,
they work to watch the crepuscule
I wait for just to get as nervous.
God I was almost up to my ears in sickness the first time you suggested we call.
Who would I be to do the same to you?

It was supposed to be beautiful,
Change my life forever.
I was to have a new outlook,
A fresh perspective on keeping myself alive.
But I’m still cocooned, still too afraid
I can’t even do what I love.
I love it more than anything in the world
So one day I will.
I will.
I will, I will, I will.

I’m the childhood friend
who you’ll never speak to again
and the time waster on
really really slow afternoons.
Six months down the line
and we’re still postponed, why?

Life has been one slow afternoon
and you still ask "why"?
when I tell you how lonely I am.
I would be happy for you
for getting your ******* together.
Not at the expense of leaving me behind.

...why?