I’m the childhood friend
who you’ll never speak to again
and the time waster on
really really slow afternoons.
Six months down the line
and we’re still postponed, why?

Life has been one slow afternoon
and you still ask "why"?
when I tell you how lonely I am.
I would be happy for you
for getting your ******* together.
Not at the expense of leaving me behind.

...why?

I want to sleep in my dress tonight
Because I don't want to forget you.
You gave me love while I was blacked out and like a true voyager, ripped the leopard print.
Stuff it in the car
Bring it from the Zermatt mountains
Take it back to the dressing room to re-sew the hem and kiss me where it should be

I want to wake up heavy headed
From a night of running into your arms, running from reality.
Running out into the world, running to find a purpose
And I'm pretty sure my purpose was to fall in love
fall out
and fall back in it once I saw aurora fall from the house lights into violet onto you

I want it to be October forever
Because I don't want to forget you.
You gave me spring while it was doomsday and like a true endeavour, it got me terribly lost.
Drive me home
When being sober gets too much
Crash into the violet reflected in my eyes to mend the goodbye before it's said.

I want you to draw blood to the rio grande to say you won't forget me,
Dance me to death
Revive the parts of me I don't want dead anymore
I'm a bomb in retrograde, I'm pretty sure I'll be happy anywhere
Wherever you are
I'll fall into violet, onto you.

Stay away from her
she's up and down
antagonistic roundabout
No wonder her girlfriend split
there's something not batting
from her eyes of rouge

Armageddon in vintage clothes
She's thousands of years old
I wipe the soldiers blood from my dead skin, she doesn't know
The centuries of good I gave
To a future of being craved

That's all I ask for
Want nothing much
But here she is still
Making me blush
I'm made of stone, I'm not moving
Ever, ever, ever

Sharing the bed doesn't seem so bad if I woke up next to you.

Freshly showered, crisp sheets or pre rolled around in

I'd get as close to you as humanly possible, use you as the cover.

Shiver once you lay flat on your back, dreams projecting upwards.

Despite saying I'd move to the settee, I'd stay right here

Intertwining our shoulder blades, breathing in your sweat

as nighttime karate begins.
The lack of oxygen is recovered

When your eyes flutter open; catching mine that remain closed.

I can only share the bed if I'm in love. And love is the sleep you've given me.

My eyeballs bolt
The moment it’s twelve,
I was a pumpkin before the ball.
Thirteen hours till blazing lights
Thirteen hours of fright.

Night owls hoot,
I’ve become one myself
Fawn and soft like puppy’s paws.
The man i dream, he is a fox
He knows to open Pandora’s box.

Aurora strikes,
I’m banished to the satellite
That orbits London in track record time.
Six hours in, I’m golden bound
Being chased by thunder hounds.

The goblin king glares at me
Eyes alert but aglow
They wonder where I’ll turn.
Left or right, in or out, either way is bad, either way you’ll go mad.

I wait for the fireworks
As they’ll inevitably come
The sirens to evacuate us off.
Three measly hours to search limbo
Three hours, I still won’t be home.

Staircases fall
And just when it ends,
No bellow is heard from Jareth.
Thirteen hours up, he grits his teeth
Thirteen hours luck, I just breathe.

Fear of holes, fear of spiders
But a fear of fire when you watched your uncles bed fireworks
Blades on the brick, waiting for the petrol rainbow.
You burnt your thumb on a sparkler, burned your whole self down
And the blisters still rein-act ash
But you entertain it like snow
So why let beauty bother you?

Now the cats inside
We're throwing sticks in the fuse, throwing up graves
Trudging through the forest to please the arsonist in me.
Hack at the fear, naw at peppers in the most vanilla way
It's never as bad as you blazed it up to be, scorched brave skin
So don't let beauty bother you.

Since I learnt of death
I've been burdened with blood work
Clots made by simply breathing
And losing them too soon.

Scared out my wits, I live like it doesn't matter yet
Shower check, fear to consume anything of strangeness...

What would I do with nobody left?
Figure I'd rather die,
I already considered it on trampolines and daisy fields -

That I'd be happy not saying goodbye given I'd still have the untouched, slit hearts
From not expecting my departure.

I can't believe I feel like a coward
For bowing out of a recovery
So gripping it killed them all
In the form of a flesh wound.

It may as well be the universe before we're born changing its mind
And cradling us close to its chest
The rest of death being... dead.

You're growing tired of the gismo I turned into.
I work like clockwork, right on the dot of you coming here someday.
Press my buttons by simply saying hello and for the day I'm yours
Through a screen and a scream every time you ask if I'm still there.
I'm always there
And I'd do anything like fly to drive you home from that party,
Watch soccer matches with you,
Save you from staying alone in a hotel on your best friends wedding night.
Will I grow tired of the gismo you're also turning into?
Absolutely not.
So maybe it's how it's supposed to be.

When I was young, I set eyes
on a bike, tough as a killing moon.
It’s trinket muscles,
Onyx like panthers, it hexed me,
Garbed me in leather
And waltzed me through
the quixotic night.

Nothing ever came
of the puma pack and I.
A beckoned fly, a pixie’s sigh,
I probably fit in the bearded mans pocket but
Now still a Bengal, I will push my luck with a tiger’s bite.

Clack clack clack;
She marched like a renegade,
Parting her lips with
a promiscuous smack.
denim sleeves upright,
Signs in the air;
Afraid of men and allowed
To speak highly of feminism -
Somehow.

She rallied her army
To prepare for attack:
No wallflowers, all pretty,
But they do not 
matter. They never did.
She was a queen of
roses, cut off their petals.
I was a sunflower but
I liked her nastiness.

Red lipstick and the cruel
slam of brunette curls,
I saw an insecure shadow
painted in crimson
perusing closely behind.
As our eyes passed,
the red lipstick smudged;
became tainted like it
had all just been a vision.
Somehow.

I wanted 11:11
But I think that's feeling too much
You're not my constellation
You're pretty cool
Just not my psychedelic cluster.

I'd sacrifice everything for you
And if people talk ****
I'll back you up in a half assed heartbeat, there's nights for us everywhere but not in shining armour.

Russet roulette
Parked in your Cadillac
On speaker with the guys, I love you all like brothers, high fived not by blood but by pact.

I started may drunk
Hope I don't carry it through
To where I meet my friends
Inevitably feel like ****
And relapse on the monsoon

Because I know the rain is acid
But my high is the destruction
And though summer may be sweet
It still won't sober me up
September I'll see you soon

Like I said before, I'm scared.
I'm so so scared and I can't help
but miss the yellow skies and daffodils
that i used to see every day.
Now I think I just hallucinate it.
I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of this.
Maybe this is a cry for help
and maybe you won't hear me
until my chest gives out.
When my dreams of knowing what
everybody thinks of me appear
and i can't imagine you'll care that much.

A cheek for eating
Pink snake slithers up my throat
Pushes out the remains
I go twenty levels up
before crashing back down
Is this what you want for me?

Tears upon years old stained tears
Intertwined with future
A feature I’m sure I’ll encounter
Once feeling comfortable in my skin
A territory so consumed by me
You can’t push past reasoning.

Pixels building
I'm spinning around
All over the show
I'm just in the shower
Waiting for the spell to phase out
I'm seeing hydroponic trees
Green and yellow like the beaches of Palm Springs
Life is the water in my feet
Cascading down canyons
It makes my heart fleet
Again I'm seeing colours
Summer is to suffer
So I'm just gonna float through the ******

I walk to feel alive -
As if South Yorkshire is utopia
And I'm an astronaut discovering it for the millionth time.
It's a raw feeling,
I've travelled back by closed eyes and a genie wish
To find those roots again that shoot through me, palliative like beryl rockets.
It's sad though
Because I imagine horses waiting for rain but only strangers came
And so I heard the metro
The ghosts of Bethnal Green lured me back to the land of opportunities
Home ground for love
I was an eagle eyed dove.
It was the only way to live a life worth talking about when I'm old
And before you ask, I'm not sure why I dwell on that fact.
As nice as it would be to be alone, I'm afraid I'll have to cut the seed from my hydrangea heart
Before the Venus fly sunset traps me in for good.

You take off your clothes
And the world gets dark
There isn't even a silhouette,
Just a voice asking if I want more.
I want Heathcliff nights
And Hugo greens
Not a body with no meaning.
Every body has a meaning.

Why are you attracted to me?
I'm not attracted to me or you.
I thought I was afraid
Now i'm in the midst of being numb
And i'm fearless.
Deep in my heart I know there's nothing wrong with me
After all, every body has a meaning.

Even if I call you my sister,
We're twin flames in the way that
We live virtually the same lives.
Sometimes I get jealous that yours is changing and mine stays the same despite our placements in the world
You're scared of what's to come but not to the point where it's crippling.
I think that's pretty brave for my younger self to bear 
I promise you'll rise where I've remained
You'll be the career woman you raved about, find love too
And they'll love you, they'll love you, they'll love you
Vaster than the amount we inhabited in their absence
You know I'm honest so believe it.

I'd run across rivers, dodging the water beneath my feet
With a strength only women know when they're in love, including me
I want to knock on your door
See you surprised and fall to the floor, it's not too far away
If we don't think too much
We won't reach into our pockets and say that's enough
It's all done because nothing is shining, I wonder, does it ever?
Let's run across rivers...

Is she back in fashion
Is she getting something
More than a dead goodbye?
Not even a kiss is ever in motion
Channeling robots
Love her love forgot

Nothing was ever made so monstrous
But her, but her, but her
Her fault, her problem from scratch
A joke is a monologue
A monologue a break up
Now she’ll never go to Marden Square

Since she can’t even find it
Since she doesn’t want to find it
Since she doesn’t wanna get ill
Inveigled into silence
Sentence of a hopeless romantic
May as well hang it up for good.

Countless nights I've stayed up
When I could be at the back of a taxi, a club, a friends house
I'm in bed waiting for you to say you want to hear my voice
That you're not just stringing me along but unfortunately I'm prone to it
It's almost like I'm asking to be forgotten about so I can wallow
And the sad thing is is that I fell for you like I fell for the others
Quickly, dangerously yet comfortably
That's just the impression you gave when you said you liked me
You wanted to get to know me better
You wanted to know how I react to sorry, to empty promises
So you know you can do it again when I leave and inevitably return.

Lines are drawn across pitted skin,
She pulls her claws, tying ribbon.
Mouth sewn tight so I can't speak,
I slide my wrists upon the sink.
My feelings are transparent;
This pain endured is like heaven.
She tells me that I deserve it,
And so I make another slit.

You love bombed me up to high heaven.
I never asked for it, I wanted the opposite
Yet you came anyway, a pristine oblivion.
A nice person at the right moment until the moment didn't suit you.
Your eyes would burn, effort cumbersome
Wild for someone who said they understood
That I'd been strung along before and this was new
Only for you to fall in love not with me but with you.

A hotel on the south border of the most magical place on earth.
It was the night my life turned upside down,
The submarine lights’ Venus eyes burning me into the ground.

Hot and bothered,
We dipped our feet into the water,
A fire pit of we’re exhausted but at least it isn’t home.
The wild Wild West is oasis when you mark the territory as your own.

I was too young to see the potential
But as vesta burned France
And I combusted back in England
I wanted to go back
to the anti-torrential
as my world turned to black.

There was no fire escape
And that fact is marvellous.
Maybe I can be re-tamed with werewolf eyes and a red mane -
Just let it be beautiful
And I’ll return to the blazing sun.

I want to kiss the malt you stained your lips with,
As masculine and camouflaged as they are by a lions mane.
I never saw you as beautiful until they day you spangled me in it
Longing with questions and me with a taste for the road,
It could work if I forced myself to turn my back on what had made me whole.
For the drunkenness in your coal mined eyes and the need knots in my stomach tell me to join you on the stage
Whether it's behind, in front or by the side, I want you.
I want you in the way I don't want to be alone.
I want you in the way I would starve myself to the bone.
I want you in the way I'd call that home.

I run my face under the tap
It’s not very graceful but it’s money
This birthing myself for men
Dissociating out of a mythical dream
Just so I can dream some more
Is it true I was born for them?

I wish it was easy enough to believe this
Take my place as ******* girl
Poster girl, poser girl
Putrid girl would be right
The dream being much bigger
Than what I see night after pulverising night.

If I take a hold of my corruption,
like the sun it will go down in the evening
or dry out like cinnamon,
as flat as Philodendrons in the scenery.

I’m a shark about to bite,
but i’m taking in my surroundings
and burgundy flags come to belittle me,
they’re people with only grounding.

In retrospect, it's been nothing
But it's such a big big thing to live.
I cast my brain upon
balconies seven heavens high.
When my train flattened an innocent man I wished it could've been me.

I feel like I've lived more lives than words they use to say
"You wouldn't know".
You wouldn't know what I have to do to get the tears to flow
Never mind the fragments of breath
That try to sink when I sail them. 

The scintillation of just one problem
Is enough to short circuit me.
I shouldn't have to worry but I do
Unknowingly creating loop holes
In each defiance I now call a luxury.
I don't want to live so why should I know how to?

I spend the time wasting it
It goes faster when I'm distracted and by getting distracted
I mean getting wasted.

Wasting it in fictional characters I can pretend to care about more the non. Not that I know the difference
Falling in love with words of bold.

I'm wasted without drinking
Dreaming, thinking, writing of the soon to be girlfriend in my phone who sleeps away my days.

We're wasting time by wasting time
Wishing the other wasn't wasting dates, wasting away
Until my arm's around your waist.

I will never forget when a strange case of ultraviolet
welcomed itself into our lives like it had always been there.

From the very start she paraded love; the kind that pulsed through her heart and into ours, just so we wouldn’t feel empty.

Even if there was a Hyde behind the scarlet skies and witching hours, it was prograde or nothing
And that is what makes an angel.

She spellbound those who had never pictured magic
Inferno and resilient in a land that doesn’t sleep.

It’s crazy how fast people stop making an effort after making their transaction.
Playing around with hotel rooms, assassinating money, I keep going home to write a love song
Just to never hear from you again.

And as I stare on at the one space for rehab I wonder what was the point in exchanging numbers
If one out of a zillion gets lost each time you leave me to do it alone?
I'm a business, a link for you guys to meet without me.

The priest must’ve lost count of tulips swanning into the joint
Red flowing hairs from the backs of their necks
Nervous of what god would do if he knew they didn’t believe in him
But were stamping over the bloodless beds
To get to a bona fide person.
Even if she is just bones.

She was easily found and I, an equally bizarre being
Cut through the graves like a scalpel, rejecting the problems that came with following directions.
My poem would be read, the lavender a blanket that smelt like home
That felt like her temperature rising again.
Though she would hate me hugging the dead out of her.

A bumblebee pricked the vapour into me
And buzzed humorously at my expense.
He turned my throat to zeppelins,
The thicket to the base for a hot air balloon
Where the ghost went on holiday.
She was so proud to haunt me that I gave her free access
Even though it murdered my breath.
I told her “anytime” and I still do
My pain an excuse
To do it again.

By ignoring death
I'll immortalise myself
And those nearing the polar opposite of what I want
For my never ending world.

Battle scars will be healed
With principals spanning from
I want you to be at peace
And why should we die
We weren't born for blackness.

Even if I accept it
I don't want it
I think I just realised why I hate escape rooms because this one doesn't have an exit door.

By ignoring death
I'll immortalise life
As if we won't blow up in a billion years, even reincarnation
It won't soften the carnage.

The train stops panting
I start to breathe
Poke my head around the bramble
See if it’s real

The artery of the station
An ever-winding sweet pea forest
A woodland cemetery
Black beauty’s still there

No splinters to my soles
Ankle cuts instead
Ball of fur that prowls and cries
But warms my lap at night

Yorkshire tea, toast with butter
Slumped in the rabbit hole
Then the fairy light switch on - not like Blackpool’s poor attempt

Twilight comes, I wait for bats
Scratch go the branches
On the bathroom window, I shudder though I’m not scared anymore

Weddings under the arch
Between me and my love sleep
We drink pink lemonade
Grow roses round the shed

I’ve magic in my finger tips
Spouting only when I’m here
Fields of an un-jaded me
For miles and miles and miles

Tube lines
Nostalgia at the junction

Tears ***** my eyes
Terrify them

In the arcade
In the deep cuts of my brain

I’ve been here before
As a punk, a skinhead, an NPC

A lost song, paranormal cartoon
I put their headphones on

Right to wherever I danced with them
Right to wherever I died with them

I got stamina when my legs grew cold
Frozen from the lakes that surrounded us
They needed a body to hold, wasn't ready for two
I don't want you, I don't want you, I don't want you
I don't need violins, don't need the gunfire
Not a sine or a designated driver
I'm staring at the bottom of that
Standing a million miles away
A million years too captive in late
Too elastic for it to be okay.

“There are two sides to every story”, he says.
Though I know he is wrong.
He snatches the letters away from me,
my hand which quivers with the spirit of her husband
is now empty, searching for more history.
An apologist is not worthy of having them.
They are astringent, they are hysterical and they all happen to be women.

“If she was alive now, you wouldn’t like her”.
He gives no insight except she had depression,
as if that made up for the don’t meet your heroes routine.
Her husbands blood is yours, you should wear it with honour
As if your roots aren’t riddled with petroleum
He said he loved birds but killed two with one stone
How is that genius, how is that mine?

You were carefree
And I was a door mouse
But when it came to superstition
We were sole in a row of Fridays.
First were the rollercoasters;
Rickety and sick inducing.
I needed to be spontaneous so I agreed to your dangerous request.

A whole rotation went by
We had escaped death and so displeasure beach became a sort of ****** symbol of our friendship.
A snapped ring, a bleeding eye
I didn’t get drunk but you were gone
It was the 14th when we left with sour dough faces.

I wonder how many miles per hour we’ll turn now we’re a combined mother tongue,
Our notions by the ocean, the nocturnal and the dreaming.
It was always the same with no communication and the funny thing is, is that we find comfort in that.

Snowflakes

The snowflakes are here again.
As dazzling as they are,
They stampede like wilderbeests
Pests for control
And I make no attempt to stop them.

To be tucked away somewhere
In the crevice of the living
Would be the suicide I wouldn’t want to carry on from.
Amongst my own kind, at last I can breathe.

Out on hikes with blood bags
As spindly as drips are
I am weighty but they carry me to little thanks, if any
Deal with my complaining, I said I didn’t want to live.

Somehow I will if I can show you how I struggled
Sympathy would be my asset though it’s been a long time coming
And I’m not sure I can cope anymore.

I’m scared for them to know the truth
I am the air which kills the fruit.
I lose my senses through rotting roots
and pollinate friends like bumblebees do.

I come with my stingers, my lingering ears
no scene is too subtle to tell them I’m here.
Call one my darling, another my dear
except for the girl with the friendship fear.