I can feel my addiction,
Begin to eat away at reality,
As I try to sleep away the night,
Knowing I'm copping at 8 am.

I know a needle in my arm,
Isn't the same as happiness,
But I don't know how to sleep at night,
Unless I'm heavily medicated.

I'm swimming in an ocean of blood,
Mixed with the ever present ******,
Or is it morphine this time?

I've been swimming for so long,
But I've never seen the shore.
And I can feel my tourniquet,
Tied to my wrist like an anchor.

Maybe I'll dose a little too much,
And spare myself the agony of detox.
But ****, mom would die,
If I didn't make it home.

I guess it wouldn't matter,
I'd have that dark abyss.
But there's one thing I know,
It's certainly ****** I'd miss.

God knows I've tried not to notice,
As the ninth comes around.
It has been five months of,
Alcohol and ****** to fill your absence.

I still remember what it feels like,
To have you hug me and say that everything is okay.
And I can still hear your voice at night.

You have no idea how much I have spent,
To try to erase the pain I feel inside.
You fell asleep one last time,
And a part of me went when you died.

I won't shed another tear,
No, I won't cry again.
I swear I won't cry,
Except maybe one last time.

I shake as I clench my cigarette,
Burning between *******.
I shake as tears cascade around me,
The taste of liquor my only friend.

I shake as I aim for the shot,
Hoping the ****** will stop my heart this time.
I see blood mix and push the plunger down,
This high is my only friend.

It has been five months without you dad,
But I feel as if has only been a day.
I still feel you cold skin beneath my fingers,
And wish death could have stayed away.

You know I've felt misery,
When I held my brother as he cried.
Screaming for our father,
As mom watched through tear filled eyes.

You know I felt happiness,
When I watched him move up,
Into middle school,
Already on his way to being a man.

You know I feel sadness,
Each night as I lie down to sleep.
I don't know how to be a father,
To a boy half my age.

I do not understand,
Why fate made everything happen this way,
But let me tell you this burden,
Is mine to pay.

I'll do what I must,
To make sure he grows up right,
Even if I have to,
Give up my own life.

I fear the warm embrace of my bed,
The soft feeling of my pillow beneath my head.
I fear the sleep that takes me at night,
For my dreams are dark and devoid of light.

I wish I hadn't been the one,
To find you wrapped in never-ending sleep.
Now my dreams come to me unbidden,
And I often wake as my eyes begin to weep.

I dreamed you put a bullet in your head,
Just the other night.
**** all if I could say,
Sleep is my greatest fright.

I don't know what hurt me,
So badly that I cannot open up.
I don't know the exact moment,
When I felt life was just too much.

I couldn't tell you whatever happened,
That made me feel dead inside.
But I can tell you a needle and pills,
Makes my mask slip away and hide.

I don't know when it became so important,
For me to lose my sobriety,
And God, I couldn't begin,
To explain why I hid from society.

I'm so done with living in this world,
But the drugs just won't let me die.
I need some serious help,
But I don't know how to ask for it tonight.

I know the ****** or morphine or whatever the ****,
I put into my veins each day,
Keeps me feeling normal,
And keeps me slightly sane.

I know I'll never hear the voice of my father,
Or be able to show my mother the love she deserves.
I know my younger brother,
Will one day wonder what killed me so many years before.

I'd like to say I'm sorry,
To the girl I love with all my soul.
I'm oh so sorry baby,
But I shall never, ever become whole.

You'd be better off without me,
Just like my parents had I never been born.
Perhaps my father may still be living,
Perhaps mother may have never needed to mourn.

I'd like to say I'm sorry,
That there is no reason for my living death,
However, long ago I swear,
I thought by twenty one my heartbeat may have left.

So I suppose I'm sorry,
That any of you ever needed to meet me.
And I am so very sorry,
That I lived through the needle that should have let death be.

The day we laid my father to rest,
I was so ****** up I couldn't move,
Let alone see straight.
You name it, I was on it that day.

The moment my girl told me we had to go,
I stood on shaky legs,
Shook my head and put on the face,
Of the man my family needed me to be.

I drove to the funeral home,
A city away,
Dressed to impress and drugged to carelessness.

I was so ****** up that night,
That I nodded out with my eyes open,
While the priest who married my parents,
Gave the eulogy.

It's a good thing I was so ****** up,
So that I didn't rip that ******* priest apart,
When he told me it was a holy experience,
To find my father dead like that.

What's so holy about it father?
The fact that I need to be so medicated that I pass out,
In order to sleep at night?

Or the fact that I could care less,
If I dosed a little too much,
Every time I push the plunger down?

Tell me, what is so holy about it, priest,
The fact that my father wasn't even twice my age,
Or that I'll be dead before I reach his?

It's been nearly a month,
And I've spent more nights drunk,
Than I have in the last year,
Just so I can sleep at night.

Dad I wish you were here,
So you could see me clean,
And know that everything,
Would be alright in the end.

I overdosed yesterday,
And I swear on your grave,
The one I will never see,
That I prayed to you that everything would be alright.

I didn't pray to God,
If he even exists,
I prayed to you,
That I wouldn't black out.

I prayed that Raquel wouldn't,
Have to bury me,
That you'd keep me awake,
Long enough for the ****** to leave my body.

I wanted to die,
I swear to all I love I wanted that black abyss,
No heaven, no hell,
Just darkness.

I say I swear to God,
But I don't know if I believe anymore,
All I know is that I couldn't die,
Because now I have reasons to live.

****, I nearly went out the way I wanted,
Still young and high on dope.
But the thought of you kept me awake,
In the hospital parking lot.

I prayed mom didn't have to know,
Not that I'd care if the dope had done its job.
But the thought of dying in my sleep,
Made me puke.

Come on Dad,
I know you've no body to come back to,
Now that they've turned you to ashes,
But **** all if you didn't fight your way back to us.

It's been nearly a month,
And I've been drunk more times than I can count,
Just so I can sleep,
And not forget you.