the time
the never ending time
the fights
the never ending fights
the memories
the never ending memories
the love
the never ending share of love
the hate
the new and never ending hate
the passion
the never ending yet wonderful passion
the end
the upcoming end
of all things we hold dear

there's too many of you
little troubles
mishaps
pains
there's just too many
of you bouncing around
hurting a vast majority
of the ones i care for
i will fight you
little troubles
i will **** you
little troubles
stop hurting the ones i love
little troubles
there's too many of you
and you must be stopped
your end is near
little troubles
do your worst

the twigs under my shoes
breaking
snapping
the sound i would love to hear
come out of your spine
the leaves crumble
and muffle
under my shoes
the sound i would love to hear
come out of your mouth
the rocks kicked
across the floor
the image i would love to see
with your spiraling head
the ants climbing up my shoes
as i would love to see
you grab me for last hope

ive done it again
i was doing so well
but why
is this the answer to a cheap happiness
im not smart enough to stop
im too cold to change
ive lost the will again
i dont want to restart
i feel to be a danger
i want to be a safety
unstable
and
uncontrollable
i see the faces
so scared
to see the face thats been hidden
by the breaking mask
the glue is nowhere to be found
the faces still scared
not knowing what to do
seeing the monster
the creature
the broken mask
the faces still scared
no means of peace
till the glue is found

the silence
is equal
as a slap in the face
the blank stares
is the same
as a punch in the stomach
the emptiness
is kin
as a stab in every muscle with a rusty knife

there is more than one scar that you have left
more than one hug you have given
more than enough of your time wasted
on me

i see the child in your eyes
crying
waiting
for the next disguise
you feel as if you have to hide
from the ones who hurt you
or the ones who have yet to die
the hatred seeping down each tear
growing
and progressing
by the year
the child who is waiting
won't wait much longer
too much to fight for
and only so much degrading
the end will come
where you can be set free
to find your peace
just wait for the next beat of the drum

it's been so long since i last had a dream
but not long since i have thought of you
i closed my eyes
not hopeful for any sleep
but there you were
we were together
i had finally succeeded
and i got to see you for a few more seconds
we didn't say much
for we both could not stop crying
but there we were
in eachothers grasp
so happy
in this depressing world we shared
i saw you
in a dream
a dream i have been wanting for so very long
a dream i would want to last forever
but the alarm rang
and in my arms
you faded away
i woke up in tears
coming into the world of reality
i held you
in my dream
a dream that was quite amazing
and will hopefully come again
i saw you in a dream
and im sad it didn't come true

so much
in just 24 hours
so much
crap that just didn't need to happen
so much
of a ******* mess
so much
crying
so much
so so much
in 24 hours
so many
calls
so many
texts
so many
tears
so many
thoughts
so many
feelings
so many
so so many
things in 24 hours
too much
crap in this world
too much
of this old ****
too much
just way too much
i hate the past 24 hours

When the knock comes to the door
every fiber of my being shakes
shutters
dies
when your ***** boots walk through the door
every reminder of heartache fades
vanishes
dies
when you give me that kiss beside the door
every hair on my arms stick up in surprise
defense illness
when you leave in your inevitable departure out the door
every tear falls
crashes
burns

the numbness has melted
the mask still broken
the feelings
stronger then ever
the maturity
showing itself
the lessons
have been learned
and will be retained
the hurt
will always remain
but will not control
the joy
will be nourished
and appreciated
the trying
will continue
the tears
will fall
but in the end
it will all be worth it

Why is it
that trying hurts.
Hear me out...
Trying does not just mean getting up and doing
no,
it takes preparing
both physically
and mentally
it takes thinking it through
to find the best action plan there is
then it takes the motion
both mentally
and physically
and most likely if you are trying anything
it involves other people
and if you don't execute your try hard and well enough
to someone you have failed.
that is why trying hurts.
so much goes in
but negative only comes back.

take what you want
you've earned it
anything you see
... that one?... ok, interesting choice. please be very careful with it.
no no please dont rip it apart
no please no dont smash it
please stop... that hurts
why would you fake all of this?
do you take pleasure in all of this?
gah! stop please it hurts.
i hope your happy with what you've done.

you promised another smile
giggle
hug
oh how i wanted that hug
how i will forever want that hug
you promised happiness
something you couldn't magically make happen
i promised you support
did i do okay?
i guess not
i hope your smiling
and giggling
and hugging
in a place that makes you happy

sister of mine
listen
hear me if you can
i won't let you slip away
you're mine
i love you
don't leave
i won't say i understand your pain
but sister of mine
don't leave
i beg of you don't leave
i can only imagine you in that bed
that's seen so much pain
that's felt so much gore
i can only imagine
the pain behind your eyes
the loneliness in your heart
sister of mine
i am here for you
i will always be here for you
through pain
or laughter
just please
don't leave
i beg of you don't leave
you're my sister
and i can't see you leave

hello there
the little thought
that infiltrates my mind

no matter what time
what day
what event

you,
little thought,
will come into my mind

i don't always want you
but like the rascal you are
you dont care

sometimes ill get angry about your timing
but you stay
just to **** me off even more

little thought
please give me a break
i don't want you anymore

im older now
and think i can live without you
please leave

sincerely,
the one you've hurt
oh so many times

yes there were others
but you only evoked a scream
or a groan
yes there were mistakes
but you were not one of them
not even close
yes there were more
but you meant the world
and much more
yes it was my fault
and there is no excuse
but know
you were the only one who made me scream
you were meaningful
you were everything
the others
were less than dirt
which is what i felt that i deserved

the sun shining
the air so crisp
the birds chirping
the morning so young
yet
something is missing
no
someone is missing
it's you
oh how i wish
you were in my arms
watching this morning rise
in my arms
we would be together
gazing out the open windows
tickled by the slight breeze
and warmed by our bodies
oh how i wish
you were in my arms
watching the long to come sunset
watching the day flee past
while moving in slow motion
the breeze is spinning
the sky so dark
the lovers loving
the day so done

fingers tapping on this worn out pad
dust collecting on the drooped shoulders
hair thinning on this skeleton shape of a head
eyes hollowing on the malnourished being
feet twitching on the cold wood floor
stomach growling on the count of boredom... not hunger
what have we become
monsters
zombies
un-known creatures
enslaved by this massive world
that fits in our hands

Too tired to think
To eat
to do anything
All the energy
Drained
From avoiding the infamous "sad" radar
Putting on a smile
sharing a forced laugh
Remaining uncovered
Too tired
To keep this up.

people feel things differently
go through things differently
learn differently
I don't understand why there's a comparison
why there's a need
to compare feelings with others
we're different
with different backgrounds
why compare
the incomparable?

taught to hide
to leave alone
to push aside
I ****** up
taught to show nothing
to put a smile on
to not allow anyone in
I ****** up
taught to
**** up
I never knew what I was doing
I wanted more
but couldn't show it
couldn't say it
couldn't do it
when you asked
I ****** up

The wheels spinning
as the eyes close
as the muscles relax
as the shivers progress
The wheels slow down
as the face sinks
as the warmth covers
as the protection sets
The wheels start again
as the warm gets too hot
as the eyes open
as the protection fades

a hug
so warm and loving
a laugh
so gorgeous
a feeling
so strong
that it's weak
a feeling
that needs to grow

you have grasped my fake smiles
you sense the anger behind my eyes
you feel discomfort when my laugh is pushed
you know me too well
let me just say
let me play the part
let me pretend to be
fine
i know you see *******
and once we're done talking
allow me to smile
for the others
who don't quite see what you see
please let me say
i'm fine

The more you hold on
the more it hurts
the more you let go
the more you may hurt others
stuck
the more time passes
the more time you have to forget
the more you forget
the more you want to remember
stuck
the more stuck you get
the more you feel like being free
the more free you desire
the more you let go
the more you forget
free
the more free
the more lost
stuck

swiftly
the air moves
the trees tussle
the grass sways
roughly
the cars zoom
the kids cry
the alarms call
paused
the way we talk
the way we stare
the way we are

When I see your face
I hide away
but what can I do
when your face is sketched into my dreams?
hide?
from what exactly?
I feel the anxiety build
whenever I see your face
but still
it is only a dream
Why do I want to hide
in the dis-concerning safety of my dreams?

The smiles so big
but the feeling so small
The tears so little
but the feelings are so overwhelming
The laughs subtle, yet noticeable
as the sobs boom behind closed doors
The silence so needed
but the sounds never stop
The pause in time
will never happen
The ease will never come
The reminders will never fade
The hurt will always come back

I saw you from afar
in a crowded place
with little silence

I wanted to know your name
your name was called
from what i think was your friend

I called for you
but no answer in return
I called again

You looked beautiful that night
and i know i sound crazy
but i wanted to know you

We never said hello that night
for the place was crowded
and the silence was too expensive

I think about you
now and then
and know i'll see you again

you exude grace
yet clumsiness
you make people laugh
yet you cry
you love others
yet hate yourself
you put a fake smile
yet you play happy so well

dont play games with me
i see what is wrong
just know i love you
and im here

these feelings dont magically appear
as said in fairy tales
it takes time
and patience
now we have these feelings
and the wait is done
yet we're still flipping through old magazines
these feelings aren't leaving
like we want them to
they're lingering
and taunting
yet we're still waiting around
I don't want the feelings to leave
even though
they should
I want you to be okay
even though
you don't seem to be
these feelings are here
and we're still waiting
but i
will not wait
much longer

I want to take it away
wipe away the sad
and make your day
I hate to see that face
with great disappointment
and disgrace
You're so pretty
but so much pain
and too little pity
I don't want to see the pain
that lives in those eyes
that cause so much strain
You are loved by many
and missed by little
don't go away my Jenny

cant help but look back
on the innocence
i used to have
cant help but want
the unknowing
i now cherish
cant help but get mad
at the curiosity
i couldnt hold down
cant help but to know
what i know now
and what i wont forget

If you could
undo what is done
would you
what would change
what would stay
It may be for the better
all the things that have been done
for there is that saying
everything happens for a reason
but what if the reason isn’t worthy of what’s been done
what if whats been done wasn’t fair
wasn’t right
wasn’t meant to be
why can’t there just be a pause
for people to think things through
to realize there is something better
maybe that’s what we’re supposed to be doing now
but it’s so easy to blame others
so easy to make it someone else’s problem
so easy to not take control
but its time to grow up
not to forget
or to remember constantly
just to not confirm it
look down
be beside yourself
be unknown to how you feel
to face the fact that sometimes you shouldn’t know how you feel,
and that feeling in itself is how you should feel

too much
fencing around my thoughts
i miss the knowing
of what i wanted
but my thoughts
are lost
held captive by some mysterious creature
i want to be comforted
in the pleasure of knowing
what i want
i cant make up my mind
cant settle down the
riled animals that have been living in my mind
i feel lost
i feel discomfort
i feel that i dont know what i want to feel

please no games
no lies
no fakes
please just be you
funny
and smart
please tell me
when something is wrong
when something is right
please dont protect me
from you
or what you you think you are
please oh please
be mine

you've proven your point
now come back
you did this out of anger
sadness
unreasonableness
you've proven your point
which was an unfair point to make
now come back
i was beaten before
but dealt with it fairly
you've proven your point
that i'm not strong
now come back
how dare you prove that point
it was pure angst
and stupidity
i hate your reasoning
but you've proven your point
so im left here
without your comfort
or even your pain
im left here
from a girl
who has proven her ******* point

Too many faces
Along with so many stories
Never allowing themselves to heal
Gradually they fade into the collage of mess
Letting go of hope
Ending their search for happiness
Done with the fignt

you care too much
about me
a person who doesn't want to hurt you
but seems to any way
i care so much for you
don't mistake me
but i hurt you
so step away
farther and farther
where you don't feel me any more
i'll miss you
but i don't want to see you hurt
just step away
so that you will be okay
i love you
i'll miss you
but please
step away

the wall is crumbling
the makeup is fading

they seem surprised
for they now see me undisguised

time will tell how they react
for the mask has cracked

gone for good
and now everyone should

see the hidden person
before they worsen

if only i hadn't stood so close
it wouldn't hurt as much
if only i knew what would happen
it wouldn't be a surprise
if only you had told me
it wouldn't have gone through
if only you had stopped
it wouldn't be so bad
if only you knew
it would hurt me so much

heart racing
when that bell rings
body ready
when the crowd moves
mind jumbled
when those people get in the way
fingers fumbling
when i see your hair
temples sweating
when i see your eyes
voice silent
when first in contact
act totally normal
when the impulse is gone
disappointment in myself
when we're talking
sadness in my eyes
when we're done
anger at myself
when that moment is gone
eyes twitching
when the bell strikes again

we loved each other
and we were proud of that
we didn't say it much
because we just knew
it was a fact as much as the fact that humans can't breathe under water
we loved each other
and nothing could stop that
we were always there for one another
because there was no place better to be
it was if we were at disney world at the age of 5, begging our parents for us to stay
we loved each other
and you took yourself away
we weren't together anymore
because you completely left
it was even written down that you would forever be gone
we loved each other

complex questions
revolving around that head of yours
im here to answer
to comfort
to ease your flustered state
complex questions
so easy to answer
just ask
and i promise
to take away the frustration
just ask

the touch
the smell
and all of the other senses
the smile
the laugh
and all the other beauties
the tears
the sobs
and all the other pain
your touch, smell, smile, laugh, tears, and sobs...
gone

out in the field
with the dreams swarming
and the eyes closing
the girl falls asleep
with the dreams of a child
the women wakes up
and the eyes so mature
she lives
a life of dreams
with a laugh so strong
and a heart so warm
this way of life
is my dream

so close to the winning
so close
there will be no prize
no crowd
no ribbon
just a goal to be diminished;
the best kind of prize to be won