It started out simple
Innocent, if you will
It was cold that morning
   And the next
        And the one after that
            And the following one

"I'm cold"
"Moisture wicking"
"Keeps the sun off"
What lie shall I say today?

It started out innocently
To the untrained eyes

Now they ask
How I survive?
How can I bare the heat?
How do I not melt?

"Best foot forward
You represent now
Be mindful of your look"

Would I still look presentable
If you saw the battles
I lost against my own self
Would that show strength and courage?

Or would I be shunned once more,
For things I could not control
And memories that linger at night
Would you care if I lie once more?

You thought you were smug
filling the complaints
hoping it would be a slam dunk on my failures

you didn't realize I still had proof
or the evidence
or the gift to show your issues
without confusing my truth

So swift you came out swinging
and all you did
was ink your fate
as the villain you are

so thank you for the inspiration
where your always shown
as the monster you truly are

and the world moves from your lies
and only remember one name
mine

So careful you walk
Up above the white clouds
Dance on your tightrope

Your wings
So beautiful
So elegant

Swift you fly
Up above heaven filled sky
Along with winds we hear

Do you ever
Miss the ground
Or the ones who walk it?

The money is gone
food is small

"Do you want more?"
"No I'm full"

leftovers become tomorrows dinner
one meal a day helps stretch the thin amount

I have nothing
but the animals looking to me for food

please don't make me say goodbye
when their time is almost gone

please don't take the one
who helps when my mind is a prison

please don't take the little ones
their finally all getting along

Please don't let this end with the tears
of goodbye

please have something give
just even a penny

just something to put food
in their mouths
and payment for shelter

I can live off the snacks
turning them into meals as my body shuts down

but please don't take my children
please don't make me say goodbye before their final breath

She can walk with angles
fight with demons
spread the word like a prophet

Her smile makes anything give
her anger makes them flee
her touch sets fire to a soul

So sweet
so simple
so differnet, then all the others

I stay awake
Thinking of one
While another sleeps

Longing to feel wanted
Wishing to be held once more
Wanting to remember
What it ment to be safe

I lay awake
Unable to sleep
Creating false realities
Just to help me feel

Perhaps another level
Or another page
Might help in this
Long night ahead

Small shards of glass
Precious and rare
Few even know they exist

But when a Angle cries
you watch not just the action
but you feel their soul in pain

The dam they created
finally comes crashing down
as they break


And with time
they build the dam back up
and smile with their glowing smile
once more

always finding the light
through the storm

I thought I was better

Accepting that time
Forced me to move on
Accepting that life
Had finally gave me a break

A break from pain
And misery
And heartache

I thought I was better

Being able to speak your name
The small uncontrollable smile
That always crosses my lips
Warming my heart
Being able to remember our time with fondness

But as soft as you memory is to me
The razor edges cut deep
The longing for your ghost
To not be a ghost anymore

Is this my curse
Forever longing one
That settled for those that punish him
Despite knowing what love really is?

Thank you for the memories
Thank you for the effort
Thank you for the laughs
Thank you for the cries
Thank you for the pleasure
Thank you for the heartache

just thank you


                                                                                         "You're welcome"

So many applications
So many opportunities
so many no's

why must it be hard
to find my place
in this thing called life
when I keep getting a "no"?

"So why do you have that?"

Because I can't control my past
Because I can't stop my spirals
Because everyone has left me
Because people are scarred of me
Because inside I am a total mess
Because I barely hold myself together
Because I constantly am reminded of what happened
Because I was told I have to high standards
Because every guy used me
Because I don't know how to control myself
"Anxiety"

Never trust your heart
Never trust your gut
Never trust your sight
Never trust your senses

Maybe then
I'll make everyone happy
When I'm alone instead

Why does it hurt so much?

previously your absence was a relief
now its pain

maybe because of the way it ended
or maybe because of what was said

but why does it hurt
and I can't cry anymore???

A simple idea
Turned into a yearly tradition
A celebration unknown

All plastic
Just the preserve the concept
The vase changing every few

"Who gave you so many roses, and why are they purple?"
"I bought one every year"
"Why?"
"Cause at least someone celebrates a birthday."
"Who's?
"A old friends"


The next year
There was a real blue rose amongst the bouquet of purple

Its been months seen I've seen your face
yet I could see it clearly as the fence flew by
and that swift sweet moment
came rushing back in clarity

Was this my mind
accepting that I was moving on
or was this you
calling out once more
hoping that we salvage the destruction we created

My little devil
you still haunt my dreams
you still have part of my heart
but I need to find a new

I want the peace you search for yourself

My brain runs
Tierd of sleeping
Tierd of the pain

And yet my body
Refuses to move

Simple things
So exhausting
Yet I can't sleep
For my brain does not brain right now

They're just black and white
Letters and words
1's and 0's of code

Some are my own
Some I helped
While others I find

I reflect on these
Imaging a world
Different then my own

Such a strange thing indeed
To long for a sensation
That I have never felt

Could you love me
Could you accept all of my baggage
Could you accept my trauma
Could you accept my genetics are worst then before

I don't know if you even exist
or if your just a name in my past
but could you love me entirely
like I would love you?
Flaws and all
till this life ends?

I thought I was better

Accepting that time
Forced me to move on
Accepting that life
Had finally gave me a break

A break from pain
And misery
And heartache

I thought I was better

Being able to speak your name
The small uncontrollable smile
That always crosses my lips
Warming my heart
Being able to remember our time with fondness

But as soft as you memory is to me
The razor edges cut deep
The longing for your ghost
To not be a ghost anymore

Is this my curse
Forever longing one
That settled for those that punish him
Despite knowing what love really is?

You try so hard
to be a horse in the heard
hide your horn
tuck in your wings

but the winds blew off your cover
tickled your feathers
and made you open your wings

Don't hide your differences
don't let them prey on you
embrace your difference
and step away from the heard

even if you are alone
it is better to fly above the clouds
then to be tied in the heard

You be black
I'll be white

I'll go first with a knight
You move a pawn

One by one our pieces move
One by one our pieces fall

But the board holds few now
Your calculations swift
Robbed me of everything but my king
A handful of pieces for you

But was that the intent
For another game

One where your white
And I'm black

I should feel more excited
and even though currently I am
I know it will not last

Once the night is over
reality sits back in
one more night of freedom
one more night to go out
one more night I can afford
not to worry, no doubt

"Live in the moment"
but how can one do that
when everything pulls me back
and nothing but one thing pulls me forward

From a past I miss
to a future I dream
can this excitement
really last
more then tonight?

Simple words
effective meaning
such beauty
so easy

that would be a dream
type
speak
let loose all the words I believe
let them go
out into the world

for all to see
for all to love
for all to criticize
for all
to see me