A simple life
A life full of joy
But sadly that in not one
to be uptained

The flashes
The downhill spirals
The constant fights
The constant pain

Why am I different
Can I be normal
just for one day???



"Your different like me? You understand what its like to be, different?"

"Did you loose weight?"
"You look so fit"
"I don't know what you did, but you look amazing"
"Man I wish I could look like you"

I stopped eating

not on purpose
but it was easier to pay rent
if I had 1 or 2 meals versus the normal 3

I started to loose sleep

Causing my mind to be on alert
and forcing my body to move
even when I am so tired

I just want to live
and yet I am punished for it
and praised for how good

sick looks on me

I am smart
I am beautiful
I am kind
I am healthy
I am fit
I am loved
I am amazing


and I feel like crap

Can you call it love
when you never met a person?

Can you see what love is
when it is miles away?

Is the heartache real
or just a figment of imagination?

Will the pain ever fade away
when you still question if they were real?

Or were you played
a sick game, one more?

I sit perfectly still
my smile perfect
as everyone looks at me

But when I am alone
I break
and speak words no one will hear
not because they do not care
but because I do not worry them

I sit and let silent words hit the floor
each the fear of broken trust
because some
don't
listen.....

I was once innocent
Pure hearted
Kind at all costs

Innocent till I was alone

Alone they made me
I was a poison everyone hid from
A poison that only hurt myself

A poison that planted a seed

A new environment soon came.
And for once I could make friends
Friends who didn't run away from the sight of me

Yet the seed was growing.

A new environment with friends was a first
First time I wasn't an outsider
That I finally had a place in this world

But the sprout finally emerged from the soil.

Pain filled my memories.
Growing with uncertainty
Friends not able to understand how much I was hurting

Blood watering the plant

I screamed silently
I begged for help
trying to find reason in my upside-down life

The plant only growing more with every drop.

I wanted to be told I was insane
That this was just a bad dream
and I would awake from this nightmare

But the plant started to strangle me.

My secrets came spilling out before my eyes
This is just a nightmare, I thought
A nightmare and nothing more

The plant tightening its hold on me

Then I was alone
Alone with my thoughts
and trying to escape the self-created prison

The plant loosened me enough to breathe.

A new environment
Trying new things
People understanding what I was going through

The plant slowly weakening.

I thought I was better.
I thought the nightmare was over.
I thought I was free.

The plant quickly suffocated me once more

.I screamed for help
I begged people to see the damage I was enduring
I prayed, but no one came

The plant slowly killing me with every second I couldn't breathe.

I was fighting a war
that everyone saw
but no one wanted to help

Every drip of blood fueling the plant more.

Was I too far gone
I thought
or would I set the example of what not to do

The plant draining every bit of life I had



my vision went blurry
and all I saw was the plant I created years ago
slowly winning its fight with me




"One last breath"
the plant hissed
"one last breath"



As I felt my body giving up
slowly growing numb to the pain
the plant started to die

Leaves wilted
Stacks grew limp
and the remains of my plant buried me

I crawled from the remains.
watching as the blood that once gave it strength
gave birth to a fire at its core

A fire that burned everything it touched
everything turning to ashes
burning bright in the night sky



Soon my fire ate its self to death.
but I was not cold anymore
I did not need its protection





I was finally free
free from the plant I created
free from the fire I made
free from myself

Who would care
if I just stop trying

Who would care
if I just stop fighting

Who would care
if I stay in bed all day
miss a meal
stay up all night

Who would care
if I needed the help

after being strong for everyone else
Who would care


to be strong for me?

Pinch here
spend there
everything way fine
until it all froze

I had budgeted
one more week
one more amount
that never came

Better job
Sell a house
All because
what I promised wasn't there

"Your lazy"
"Not good enough"
"Not trying"
but how can I try

when my government failed me
just because they want to yell at each other
instead of helping those
with a penny to our name

How to love you
when everyone sees something different

How can I love you
when you torment my sleep
make the daylight painful
and every moment full of guilt

How to love you
when everyone thinks your perfect
or some how amazing

And yet
I get the sleepless nights
the constant torment
and lack of security
on things that should be certain

Would they still love you
if they saw the cracks and holes
or would they be like me

and struggle to love myself

Such a strange thing
Standing perfectly in Night and Light

Such a strange occurrence
on a porch at night

Seeing both the options of life
Enter in blinding light
or embrace the shadow of night?

The known
The seen
Bathed in comfort
Bathed in Light

The Unknown
Shadows hold their nightly ball
Night becomes Darkness

Ones own being torn in two
Embrace the known
or face the Unknown

where everything is challenged
but only in darkness
can the smallest lights
burn the brightest

and one finds comfort once more
in the company they hold

In stories I find love
In stories I have life
In stories I have drive
In stories I can fly


In stories I can experience
The pain from a cut on the arm
In stories I can experience
The final breath leave my body
In stories I can experience
What a different life would be

Only in stories do I esapce
Only in stories do I die
Only in stories...
And nothing more...

Unknown source
but yet strong in force

You pull me
begging me to follow
Unknown where to go
you take me where you see it fit

Deeper and deeper into the mind
Images and voices swirl
You demand to be heard
even when whispering

So why will I go tonight
unknown pull?

The colors spread on the canvas
Each one planed
Each one different

The brushes are a mess
and create black water as they are washed
but the canvas is different

Slowly shapes and splashes
turn into a complete image
a story through the artist's eyes

Her life is one display now
but when people ask which one she is
her answer is simple

"All of them"

"I miss you,
and I hate that I miss you
because I reread our google
because
because I deleted our messages
and that was so stupid of me to do
because I want them back
and I can't get them back"

Such pretty words
such a pretty face
but in the end
the truth cut harder
and stung a lot more

because I keep everything
even a voicemail you sent me
because I wanted to remember your voice

where you wished to forget me
when anger over took you

Funny when I think about it
that the words I type
hoping, praying you'll read
and make this a nightmare I'll wake from

are also the same words
I know you'll never read
because you don't dare look at my words
for fear I moved on
and you didn't

I feel awake
my senses tingle
Every nerve of fire

One hurdle down
One more to go
Before everything else is complete

Dragon must rise
from the ashes of the past
Injured but will fly

Time ticks
Soon
the dragon
Takes to the sky once more

If I called you once more
would you answer?

If I called you once more
would you hear the tears I struggled to hold back?

If I called you once more
would you give me the minute to accept the truth?

Would you let me be raw
for the first time in years?
would you listen to my walls crumbling?
would you
.
.
.
.
........would you still care?

Angle and Demon
Broke the single rule of birth
Love connected them
and brought forth a child
A perfect balance
Of good and Evil
Both proud of the child
But also know
that when the time comes
The child will bring the fall of the world
And pay the price
That they avoided
For falling in love

The desire to write is at my fingertips
my arms ache to paint
show the world what I hold in

my voice croaks to speak out
the words I swallow back

the "I miss you" that will never be heard correctly
the "I love you" that is gone
a empty grave
one must believes exist
just to live with hope

would it be too much
to ask to stand next to me once more
grant me the strength and love
I know is gone

but then again
I still love a ghost
the ghost who still lives

Cutter
Depressed
Suicidal
Self harmer

Titles
Names I have been fighting

So does it mater
With all the work I put in
Not to grab a blade
Not to just give up

When all you look at
Are the scars fading
Of a moment of weakness I had?

Only
thats the common word now
only

only if
only then
only maybe

only

Could everything finally fall into place?
Could this only cliff
that I have been struggling to get to
finally be within grasp
and something I can stand on?

just only for a moment?

They were designed to help
Used for a reminder
Aid for circulation
In the thinest parts of a body

But the strap to secure
So small
Just hooks and latches
Some elastic to wrap around
It is simple and easy to use

And yet
All I can feel
Is shackles on my wrists
To remind me
How I'm not normal anymore

But when the night was cold
And my mind was in chaos

You were nowhere to be seen...

Its finally back
That spark I feel
when creativity sparks
Everything at my fingertips
My brain constantly thinking
I finally feel comfortable living
with my characters once more
The carvings come to life
And everyone praises me

And even though I have a brand new light bulb
Why do I feel
completely encased
in darkness
once more?

Harsh and Evil
Cold and distant
Never allowing anyone to get close
Fear of pain once more
Love broke the walls
And helped shelter the heart
Soon blankets became metal
and a cage was formed around it once more
Leaving it cold and alone
Once again

"You doing ok?"

It was innocent
Came from a place of compassion
Empathy even
For the devastation thing called life

You call me a friend
Surprise I come when offered
Not knowing till later
No one else invites me for things

Despite the laughs
Despite the masterful smile I showed
You saw through it
Saw the pain in my eyes

The one thing I've begged for someone
Anyone
To do
And yet, I built that wall higher

The one of my own self isolation
The one where the past and present blur
The one, where no can hurt me if I'm alone

You were genuine
Kind
Caring in time of need
And I still lied to your face

What kind of friend am I
When I want to be safe place for everyone
And can't seem to let others do the same for me

Me, myself and I
The closest friends I have
What kind of monster have I become now?