I don't want to live in a future where
I
Am alone with only
Myself
My thoughts
And my Fears
But that is the only future I see
Either that or one where time is cut
Short
The tick-tick-ticking clock is stopped for me
But that would be too painful
Yet still too easy
I just wish I could give this fight up
I want to cry out "Enough!" but
My voice is gone
There is no audience anyway
I am stuck between past mistakes and future anxieties
That will become past mistakes to fuel future anxieties
I can never live in the moment
Because to do so
I would have to actually live

i ask what i am doing wrong
you tell me you need space

i give you what you ask for
and you disappear forever

You listen as blood-stained lies tumble from my lips
Skin splits and rips apart as I keep a tally of every time I've broken my promise to you
My weary eyes watch my life from afar and all I can see is impending disaster
Too many times I've wanted to disappear from my own life
SO I do not understand why you haven't left me yet
I drift in and out of my own consciousness when thoughts of losing you consume me
Heart beats grow faster and breaths grow shallower
I falter often in this world
But you are the only mistake that I haven't made

i came to you because i trusted you
but all you told me was
by putting my pain on display
i was making this performance art
you stared at blood that had flown from my wrist
and smiled
any critic of taste would give this 5 stars

I could never live in a world without you
Many times I have been forced to imagine this
You tell me that you can no longer go on and my stomach fills with acid
I’ll carry the world for you
But at the same time I tell you this
I think about my own quiet exit
I know it would not be quiet though
And I know I am a hypocrite
But if you stay for me
I promise to stay for you

Here I find myself lost again
Reaching for something that I’ll never grasp
Watch you- and everyone- drift away
I can’t say I blame you
I wish I could drift away from myself too
I want to leave this body
Leave this mind
Leave this world
Nobody sees though
I locked myself too deep and these chains are my own doing
I am the reason for all my pain
You were always a false hope
I should have known from the beginning
It’s just a shame I have to wake up now
Dreaming was much more bearable

I was young the first time I heard
“a fate worse than death”
I thought what could be worse than being gone?
Now I am older and I see
It’s living an invisible life