As I sit, slouched over,
Lady in the black dress tells me,
Sit up
Breathe in slow, now
Into the cup full of water,
The fog in plastic
Like the fog in my head,
Remember what they keep saying,
Someone thinks they're hated
And you don't have the words to correct them
So let that poor boy
Walk away, rejection
Like poison in his heart
Remember my nickname was "poison"
Left arm is limp and dead,
It hurts to pick up anything
Rise and lean on the table,
No,
Don't touch anything
Leeches on your chest,
And everyone keeps noticing,
"My girl"
And the words echo in
A hollow plastic mind
Filled with fog as the water is drained
Hair pulled back or hanging over the eyes
Well either way will stop your breathing
People keep asking, "are you okay"
And lies are just so easy,
Too easy,
Mumble in as many words,
Fine, it's fine,
Pray to hell they don't tell her
She can't know, can't know
Brings you to tears just
Thinking about forcing as many lies again
I'll look in the mirror but won't say,
I don't say "smudged drawing" or "failed graphics",
I see dead weight,
I beg them,
Don't make me take this off,
Don't force me to look at all,
Please

I can still remember it

The moment that I lost my faith

I was just sitting in a classroom

When I decided to think it through

I threw Pascal's Wager to the wind

Held instead Occam's Razor

And thought, if God really loves us

These are all just empty threats

And how much else has been a lie?


I still thought there must be a God

And so I looked through all the books

And everything I read rang true

And everything I read rang empty

The books all sounded just the same

How could I choose one of these Gods?

I thought that either all of them were right

Or all of them were wrong.


And so I thought,

There is no God.

That answered almost all my questions,

But I felt a sense of loss

I had always been promised Heaven

Though I felt somewhat relieved

No one looking over my shoulder

No one judging my deepest thoughts

Suddenly the world felt colder


And even though I felt such wonder

That we'd got here on our own

And even though I felt so free

I had never felt so alone


And to this day once in a while

I ask in my mind all the Gods

To show me a specific sign

So they can reach me if they want

The signs I've seen all point to

The idea that we all are One

The God we seek is

The sum of our collective consciousness

In harmony with the Universe as a whole


But every time I think I see a sign

I remember in the back of my mind

How easy it is to see

Patterns in the sand

                    the stars

                    the static

And fill in the gaps

With a solid shape

Only the sharpest razor may divide

The shape back into grains of sand

The constellation back into its stars

The bolt from the blue back into static

God into the gaps in our knowledge

The empty spaces that fill our souls

With awe and mystery and wonder