I can still remember it

The moment that I lost my faith

I was just sitting in a classroom

When I decided to think it through

I threw Pascal's Wager to the wind

Held instead Occam's Razor

And thought, if God really loves us

These are all just empty threats

And how much else has been a lie?


I still thought there must be a God

And so I looked through all the books

And everything I read rang true

And everything I read rang empty

The books all sounded just the same

How could I choose one of these Gods?

I thought that either all of them were right

Or all of them were wrong.


And so I thought,

There is no God.

That answered almost all my questions,

But I felt a sense of loss

I had always been promised Heaven

Though I felt somewhat relieved

No one looking over my shoulder

No one judging my deepest thoughts

Suddenly the world felt colder


And even though I felt such wonder

That we'd got here on our own

And even though I felt so free

I had never felt so alone


And to this day once in a while

I ask in my mind all the Gods

To show me a specific sign

So they can reach me if they want

The signs I've seen all point to

The idea that we all are One

The God we seek is

The sum of our collective consciousness

In harmony with the Universe as a whole


But every time I think I see a sign

I remember in the back of my mind

How easy it is to see

Patterns in the sand

                    the stars

                    the static

And fill in the gaps

With a solid shape

Only the sharpest razor may divide

The shape back into grains of sand

The constellation back into its stars

The bolt from the blue back into static

God into the gaps in our knowledge

The empty spaces that fill our souls

With awe and mystery and wonder

Yesterday I closed my window 17 times,
Plus one because it had to be an even number,
I locked my door 12 times making the re-run,
I checked to see if the tap was dripping,
If it was dripping,
If it was dripping,
If it was dripping,
My lungs started to fill with the water it was excreting,
My mind looked like a children's drawing.

My mouth is a snow globe,
My music is unheard of,
But everyone still presents to listen,
It keeps memories,
And perfect white specks,
I want to listen so the music all the time,
So I do so,
After every meal.

My shower is cold again,
but the glass still fogs up,
How are we humane,
Scrunched up like a paper cup,
Sinking down,
Down the marble wall,
where my humanity shrinks,
Where the pulse of the water,
Is stronger than my own,
Tears mixed with ichor,
A fish drowning in cold water.

When I look below my feet,
My heart began to sink,
Consumed by numbers,
Not only on the back of boxes,
Is every fold of skin,
Is it really a bad thing,
When it goes down by two's,
When it gets to zero,
Its that when my lips turn blue,
Shaped like an arrow,
Where I feel a coldness in every bone,
Is when I can be congratulated,
For the energy that drained my soul.

Who's staring at me?
Falling back into a hole,
Back to consternation,
I hear footsteps as they follow,
A ticker in my chest,
Simple as a trepidation,
Each time I turn,
I still face another wall,
And yet again I'm alone,
This is when I let go,
Of whats mine,
Of what could have been,
To now only rely on my peripheral vision.

Are you okay?
They say.
A million ways to say no
Are carved in,
In my bare ******* skin.
But it's just easier to say yes.
Till a day,
When the only thing I can physically say is,
No.

Bright red badge says "panic"
Pin it to your chest,
A glowing little crest
Of all their comments,
All their lies
Hide beneath a hood,
Convince yourself it looks
More neutral like this
Coz it's too early in the morning
I'm too tired to imitate
A deeper voice

Raise your demi-demi-god into the sky,
Follow him, follow her, follow them

I never realised we belonged
To the inside
Of the other side
Help your friends hide
In the centre.
"Boy", "Girl",
Taunting yourself in the mirror

Raise your demi-demi-god into the sky,
Follow him, follow her, follow them
Keep walking, honey,
You thought we were just
Following blind
We've stumbled into that ditch before
It's a long way down
Well, we're here for good now, right?

Pray to every diety
That stupid story
Won't play out again,
Can't let it play out again
Well at least she'd know, they'd know,
At least they don't take thieves
For showmen