Mirrors scattered along the land I see my full reflection in the mirror.
I walk further and deeper into the dark the glass starts shattering.
I no longer can see my full reflection.
I walk a different way, I’m still in the dark.
I start running, the mirrors don’t look the same anymore.
I fall down, tears come out of my eyes, I lay down on the broken glass.
I wish I could see my reflection, I want to remember how I looked.
I want to remember who I was before the dark took over.

My mom took pictures of me.
She used Photoshop on the photos.
Was I not good enough?
Was I not pretty enough that she had to use Photoshop.
The photos still look like me, but in a way don’t.
She made my pimples disappear she photo shopped my face.
She made my eyes look different.
Photo shop is my mom’s friend.
I know my mom doesn’t understand how much it bothers me.
It seems to make my mom happy though to make me pretty.

When you remember me, please remember my smile.
When you remember me, think of the way I laughed.
When you remember me, remember the way my hair looked in the morning.  
Don’t remember my cuts or scars, I’m not ashamed that I cut, but you are.
I want you to remember me running through the sprinkler or making silly faces underwater.
I want you to remember me wearing miss-matched socks.
I want you to know how much I loved you, because I really do.
I’m sorry if you are reading this, I didn’t want you to live a day without me there with you.
I want you to know it’s ok if you find someone else to love, someone you can make love with.
Someone who does your laundry like I did.
I want you to find someone who likes mint chocolate chip ice cream as much as we did.

Every time I swallow one of your excuses I lose a piece of myself.
If you don’t want to go out with me, tell me don’t give me an excuse.
Every time you go out with another girl, I confront you.
You say I’m not good enough and that you need a girl who cares.
I care, I care about you even when you hit me and told me I was a *****.
I won’t leave and you know that.
You make me feel like I can’t live without you.
Your right I can't live without you, I can't buy clothes or make my own choice of what I want to eat without asking you.

She couldn’t be fixed completely; she was full of broken pieces.
Broken pieces will always be a part of her.
No matter how hard he tried and no matter how much effort he put into her, she would always remain the same.
She would smile and laugh with him.
She was very happy, but she would always be broken.

You came into my life 9 months ago, You changed me.
When we first met, you found me on the verge of death making a plan on how to die.
I was in pain, sometimes I felt like screaming.
I hide in the bathroom and turned on the water while I threw up so no one could hear me.
I cut my wrists and told myself I could stop, I was really addicted though.
You lifted me up, you showed me the light.
You said you wouldn't leave me, you did.
You always came back though.
You asked me do you know how much I love you?
I started smiling again.
My parents noticed a change, they started wanting me around again.
If something happens and you decide to leave, I want you to know you changed my life forever.
I will always remember you, I love you.

When is this all going to change?
I’m hungry, cold, and tired.
I don’t know where I’m going to be sleeping next.
I don’t have a home a place where I feel safe and warm.
My family is falling apart; they act like they will live forever.
Make up don’t fight anymore! I’m tired of dealing with your problems.
I’m dying inside and someday there will be nothing left, my soul will die and it will be all over.

Anger is in the air, it's choking me. Please help.

Children cry and sometimes get lost.
Bumps, bruises, scars, and sickness.
If your lucky parents are there to kiss you.
Dreams and Innocence.
Disney Princess.
Dolls.
No worry in the world.
Playing Barbie’s on the porch.
Riding bikes in the street.
Life is good.
Then you get older and things get hard, sometimes if your lucky things are still ok.
That wasn’t the case for me.

My mother bought me new sheets and a comforter.
I didn’t ask her to get me new sheets or a new comforter.
It’s nice, I love the color.
It's a beautiful blue comforter, it's very warm.
She said she will paint my walls a different color, my walls have been the same way for 10 years.
10 years, it has been orange and yellow walls with hand painted flowers on the wall.
I’m grateful of course, It’s nice to know she is thinking about me.
She seemed even a little excited, I guess she needs a new art project so she decides to finally paint my walls.
I hope she really does it, it seems like it will be a nice change.
Thank you mom.

I’m not crazy I swear;
My mind isn’t all here though.

I’m tired, I wish I could sleep more.
I went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror.
I practiced my fake smile, I might need it today.
Black clothes are my favorite, I put a black band t-shirt on.
I put my hair up, I look in the mirror again.
I see a broken hearted girl with parents who don’t love her.
I want to die; I don’t want to fight or struggle anymore.
I wanted to get away from my parents, I still do.
I don’t want to keep moving around.
I feel like a piece of furniture that people buy and then later sell.
My birth-family didn’t want me, my adoptive parents don’t want me do they?

Broken Glass
Dismantled sharpeners
Razors
Knives
Box Cutters
The things I use to hurt myself.
Cut my wrist one, two, three times.
If I do it right red blood drips out.
It washes away my mistakes, it helps me it really does.
I get a high every time I cut my wrist.
I do it in the most obvious place, why hasn’t anyone noticed?
-written by a cutter that's been broken for 5 years and has a knife, razor and broken glass collection in my room.

Magazine clippings, newspaper clippings and online photos fill my bed.
I sit there looking through them trying to find a pretty thin girl.
I need more pictures, I need inspiration.
Ana is talking to me again, she told me I’m fat.
I tried to eat and get better, I tried to rule my own life.
I missed drinking cold water on an empty stomach
I missed feeling like a cloud when I walked.
I missed feeling dizzy.
I missed having hunger pains and crying out in the middle of the night.
I missed you Ana, my only friend.
I missed all of this so much, I went back to all of it.
I am happy for now, until Ana rules my whole life again.

You hurt my heart, I will forever have a scar.
This scar that you have inflicted on me will never go away.
I have to many scars, I remember where each one came from.
I will never recover from you hurting me.

Put the key in the ignition, check your mirror and adjust your seat.
You’re ready to drive right?
Turns the radio on and switches the channel to rock and roll.
Rolls down the windows, I’m ready to drive.
I  pull out of the driveway, I said I’ll see you later to my parents I told them I loved them.
Ding, Ding, Ding what is that sound?
Is it a new message on my phone?
A sound outside maybe?
It’s the alarm telling me I don’t have a seat belt on, it doesn’t matter nothing will happen.
I said goodbye to everyone, no one will miss me if something does happen.
My brother is in the car though,
I crash my car it’s over.
I yell and scream help my brother.
Blood is dripping down; the windows are smashed.
He’s dead, my brother is dead.
I should have told him to wear his seat belt. I was his big sister; I was responsible for him.
I'm sorry.

Be pretty she said, wear clothes that are revealing so guys will look.
I don’t feel pretty even when people say I am, I don’t know why I always felt like this.
Second grade, I was wearing coats to hide my body.
Third grade, the teachers hated me.
Fourth grade, I was stealing trying to get attention from my parents
My family was falling apart and I was tired.
Fifth grade, they pulled me out of public school, I don’t remember much from this year.
Years started blending together and nothing mattered anymore.
When I was 13 I started self-harming no one knew what I was doing.
I skipped meals I thought it was a good idea at first.
I’m sorry I have been so much trouble mom, I didn’t mean to be.

When I close my eyes at night, I see you.
I dream about you sometimes.
I love you, you are my angel.
Your wings are white with a hint of black.
You are my fallen angel.
You were once so full of life.
Always had a smile, where did it go?
I'm sorry, I know you want to be who you use to be.

I imagine myself in a meadow sitting in beautiful purple and yellow flowers.
I see a river flowing and I see the tress swaying from the wind.
I look outside my bedroom window again my beautiful meadow is gone.
This time I see, houses and kids playing in the street.
I see cars pulling out of driveways.
When will I see my beautiful meadow again and drift off into my imaginary world?

A little cut here, a little cut there.
No one will notice.
No one cares.
Hide the scars with band- aids and sleeves.
Cutting is the only time I feel alive.
I wont do it anymore I promise, lie.

Say something.
Speak up, you have a voice don’t you?
Doesn’t anyone want to listen to you?
You are lovely, can’t you see that?

Broken heart.
My dad.
Lost love.
Self-harm.
Making things ok with my mother.
Seeing my cousins grow up.

None of this matters now.
I’m tired of living, maybe I should die.

I don’t have to carry my whole life with me anymore but I do.
Pieces chip off and I forget the little things.
But I still remember you, I always will.
I love you, you helped me through school
You helped me when things weren’t going well with my mom and me.
You meant the world to me, so why did you leave?

My scars will fade and all will be forgotten. Right?
I hope once my scars fade I don’t remember why I started self-harming.
I hope I don’t remember anything, I hope everything really will be forgotten

I’m so tired I had nightmares that keep my eyes awake.
I’m Depressed I don’t feel.
I have an Eating Disorder.
No one can keep me from shaking and crying. Please help me.
Don’t you understand I feel fat already, you don’t have to tell me that I am.
Don’t you see that I’m not happy anymore, why don’t you help me?
Don’t you see my scars, do you even care?

I listen to music wondering if I will make it.
Will I make it another day?
I close my eyes and try to imagine my future, I see nothing but darkness.
I wonder if I will live a long life?
I’m fantasying a lot about death these days.
I need to relive this stress.
I try to distract my mind from this pain.
I sit with my parents and hear them talk about their day.
They went to a few stores, I didn’t go.
I didn’t want to face the world today, I couldn’t not today.
Maybe I will go somewhere tomorrow.
I think about how my parents would feel if they knew I cut, I need to tell them.
I’m putting it off, how do you bring up something like this?
I have to tell them; I have tried recovery.
I can’t do it alone.
I’m hoping they will understand.
I don’t want to hurt them; I don’t want to cause them more pain.
I’m ****** up, they have had to do so much for me already.
I wanted to be a good kid.
I don’t want them to regret their choice of adopting me.
Because I feel like my mom does regret her choice of adopting me.

Stain glass fills the room; I always loved looking at it.
Seats fill the room also; a cross is on the wall.
I felt so safe here at one time.
I always wanted to come here, this use to feel like home.

I feel like I’m dying each day.
I feel like I’m suffocating, no one is there to help me breath.
Sometimes I feel so bad.
It’s an overwhelming feeling.
Do you see me?
Have I become invisible?

Sad Poems.
Sad Girl.
Sad World.
There is no light, I see only darkness.
I can’t remember the last time I was ok.
Eating Disorder.
Self-Harming.
Binge eating junk food.
I can't remember the last time I didn't do those things.

It’s in the past, it’s history.
I remember when it happened, seems so long ago.
My heart still hurts and I cry sometimes when I’m reminded of what happened.
Somehow I have kept going and I have lived.
I’m breathing and eating.
It’s in the past, I still remember though.

She likes the smell of forgotten old books, the ones that are hidden in the library shelves.
She likes taking the books home and reading them all night long in her bed.
She will always take a book with her, no matter where she is going.
She can escape into fictional worlds, where she fights dragons and warlocks.
One day she hopes she can write a book, one day she hopes to inspire others.

The child is crying, she is helpless.
People are yelling at her.
She is trying to grab onto her mother.
I couldn’t handle the screaming, I heard a lot of it when I was younger.
I didn’t want to scream; I didn’t want to say anything.
I’m as bad as the people who abused me.
I’m no better I watched her cry, I didn’t pick her up.
I’m so sorry.

She said razor blades.
I started thinking about cutting.
I hate myself I can’t even think of knifes or razors, if I do I want to cut.

Band aids fill my arms.
People are staring, I wish I didn’t have to have these band aids on.
If I didn’t though everyone would be concerned.

Razors pain you, little cuts here and there.
You feel a sting in the shower, it hurts you knew it was going to happen, it always hurts after you cut.
But right after you feel a little relief, the high never lasts long enough.
I drag the blade across my skin again, hoping to get enough courage to press down.

My aunt sits on my grandma’s couch crying; I have been in the same spot doing exactly the same thing myself a million times.
My cousin, sits at the table blocking out her mom’s pain.
My cousin, she hides her pain.
My cousin wants people to think she is happy, she doesn’t want to waste a moment of life.
My grandmother is worried about her daughter, my aunt.
I’m worried about my cousin, she is good at hiding what she is feeling.
I try to make her happy, see her parents almost got a divorce when she was 7.
Her father cheated on my aunt.
Money problems fill their world.
Sickness and death has filled my cousin’s life to many times.
My cousin says she won’t turn out like her mom.

I’m not sure why I thought this.
I had a rule, fat girls weren’t allowed to have short hair.
What I was saying is, I wasn’t allowed to have short hair because I was fat.
A form of punishment you could call it.
I didn’t think I deserved to have short hair.
Today I was going to go get my hair done.
I was sitting and looking at a magazine, I was waiting to see if they had anyone available.
I don’t know why, for some reason I decided to finally cut my hair short.
While the girl was cutting my hair, I looked around and saw other clients.
I didn’t want to look; I was afraid I had made the wrong choice.
It was too late though; she was already cutting it.
But I raised my head after I gave myself a speech inside my head.
I said it is just hair. It will grow back Steph.
I peeked at it and looked down quickly.
I looked again, is that really me?
The hairdresser blow dried my hair.
She asked afterwards, do you like it?
I didn’t know what to say besides yes I love it.
I really love it.
Do I really love it?
It’s a big change from my long hair.

She’s trying to not get hit, she knows it will hurt only for a moment.
She has heard it all words hurt more.
Words haunt you, they go through your head and never let you sleep.
Her mother grabbed her hand and is trying to slap her.
She is screaming, daddy please help me.
Her dad does nothing, or maybe he does say something.
She is trying to block it all out.

Depression.
Depression took over my mom’s life.
Suicide attempt.
Bullied when she was younger.
Made fun of because her mom couldn’t always afford nice clothes.
My mom went to college and became a nurse.
She didn’t see me grow up, she was to worried about her job.
My mom wanted a divorce from my father, the first time I heard them fight about it was when I was 13.
Pills.
No sleep.
Barely eating.
My mother stayed in her bedroom most of the time.
Sometimes she made me breakfast though.
When I was little I use to want to sit at the kitchen table, my mom always said no, she had bad memories from when she was a child at the table.
Be careful what you say, she might get mad.
I love my mother even if she doesn’t always remember she loves me.
She has told me she hates me 3 times, she doesn’t remember saying that.

I woke up this morning, the sun greeting me happily.
I rubbed my eyes and for some reason I started thinking about you.
I started thinking about you, I’m worried I can’t remember what you use to call me.
Am I forgetting finally? Is it over, will I no longer be tortured by your memory?

I don’t want to have to explain to my kids what the scars are on my wrist.
Will these scars stay on my skin forever and haunt me?
I need you tonight, are you here? I need a hug.
I don’t want people to stare at me, acting like I’m not a human being.
When you stare at me, I’m afraid you will see my imperfections.
I don’t want you to run away, I want you to stay please.
Don’t leave me alone to face this world.
I need you, please stay.
You are the reason I wake up; you are the reason I keep going.
I have felt the urge to self-harm so many times, but I don’t.
I stop myself somehow, I stop because I have to.
I stopped for you.

Wildflowers
Remind me of people.
Their all different, not one exactly the same.
Some are beautiful.
Some are bright.  
I love them all.
They bring me joy.

Beaten, ******, and scared.
I’m tired, you think you can beat me.
You think it’s ok to smash my head into the wall until I’m ******.
I’m scared of you; I’m scared when I wake up.
I’m scared something I will say or do won’t be good enough for you.

I see people walking around like zombies.
The people have dark, empty, sad eyes.  
I never thought I would be one of those people, but I am.
I’m not sure when I became this way.
I’m not even sure if I want to stop being this way either.

Purple shirts.
Purple markers.
Purple jewelry.
It’s your favorite color.
I packed all my purple things away in a box.
I hate the color purple; it reminds me of you.
I later came to realize; I should not hate a color.
Purple has done nothing to me.
I started wearing the color purple again.
It reminds me of the good times.
It reminds me of how much I truly miss you every day.

He sat with her until she fell asleep, she knew who he really was.
He loved the girl and she loved him so much and even though things were falling apart with her family, she knew she had him and it all seemed to feel ok knowing that.
He told her to sleep.
But before she closed her eyes she thought about everything.
She was in his life for the moment she hoped she always would be. Even if she is not she is grateful for his existence here on earth.
Because he touches people lives, makes people smile and laugh.
Even though his life wasn’t the greatest no one knew but her of what he really had to go through.
She slowly closed her eyes while he lay next to her singing softly.

In the moment when he said it’s over, I couldn’t breathe.
I wondered how this happened.
Had I done something wrong?
I woke up, with the first thought being him.
I logged onto my computer, I was going to tell him I loved him.
I love you, I was going to tell him how much he meant to me.
Instead I got 3 messages saying it feels like were just friends.
He said sorry, I’m sorry I said.
I told him I didn’t feel like we were friends, I love him.
How does love disappear over night?
Had he been feeling this way for a while? why didn’t he tell me?
I should have handled It differently.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been different.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been your forever.
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.
I didn’t try hard enough, it’s too late.
I thought I was your inspiration.
Were friends, that's all we are now.
It's ok I don't mind, it's nice to be friends.
Someday, if you do change your mind and want me back.
I'll be here, I will be here waiting.

She is being pulled and pushed around.
She is being dragged around.
She hates this world; she has no freedom.
She always dreamed of getting out of this place at 18.
Wishes in her  heart usually never came true.
Getting use to the world was a struggle.
So innocent at one time.
She is labeled as depressed, suicidal, and a self-harmer.
Liar is her new name.
Life rejected her, she really rejected the world because she is scared.

Mama please don’t hurt me anymore.
I remember when you hit me with a remote, it ******* up my hand for weeks.
You said I wasn’t worth your money.
You told me he didn’t love me, you made me believe he stopped caring, I believed you.
I measured my wrists and made sure I didn’t gain weight.
Fat, *****, gross, smelly, pig. Those are the words you called me.
You say sorry, you aren’t though.
You say I hate you, yeah in a way I do.
But you hate me too.

Pretty girl, you are going to be 16 soon.
Imagine being gathered with family and celebrating your birthday, it’s hard to imagine it hasn’t happened in years.
Imagine a big birthday cake, saying Happy 16th Birthday Stephanie.
I don’t remember the last time I had a birthday cake, I don’t remember the last time I blew candles out and made a wish.
Unfortunately, this will the reality of your 16th Birthday, sitting alone in your room and feeling like cutting deep.
I will cut deep and then hide my cuts with a long sleeve shirt.
I feel like cutting today and not waiting for my birthday.

I had a picture in my head of how my family was supposed to look like.
Smiling faces.
My parents getting along.
No screaming.
I’m not sure why I thought that my family would be happy, funny and have a good life.
I learned early on that this wasn’t the case, I’m afraid to grow up and have a marriage that ends, have screaming in the house and have my kids wishing they could be dead.
Because that’s what my childhood was like.
I’m afraid to have kids, even though people say I’m nothing like my parents, people think I will be a good mother.
How can I be a good mom when I didn’t have one myself?
Don’t get me wrong I’m not blaming my mom, she did the best she could.