Country music reminds me of you.
I remember our first date; it was in the back of your truck bed watching the stars.
You said you would take me away from everything.
We knew each other since I was 8.
You are my best friend.
You were my first kiss.

It hurts to smile, I’m tired.
I want to die today, what’s new.
I’m sorry I’m not happy again mom.
I want to be your little girl again, even then I wasn’t happy though.
I try to hurt myself on the outside, to **** my demons in the inside.
I hadn't realized I would still be addicted to harming the outside of my body after 3 years.
I want everything to be ok, it never has been though and it never will be.
I have lost hope.

Little girl I know you have had a hard life.
You say you’re sorry and you shy away from the world.
Little girl I know you were abused.
I know your birth family didn’t want you.
Little girl I know you tried to make things work with your mother.
Little girl I know you love your grandma more than yourself.
Little girl I know you were bullied in school.
Little girl you aren’t so little anymore.
You are a teenager now.
I know suicide consumed your thoughts when you turned 12.
I know the voices in your head became louder, when you didn’t have anyone to talk to.
I know knifes and razors became your friend at age 13.
I know you were still abused and you wanted to get out of your parents’ home.
I know you wanted someone to listen to you.
I know how hard your life is, because I’m you.

He was laying there in the hospital bed, he looked tired.
I didn’t think he would die,
He had one wish, he wanted someone to hold his hand while he passed.
So I did, I held his hand hoping he knew I was there.
I went back into the lobby, I sat in a chair waiting until there was more news.
Tick tock, tick tock, I look at the clock.
I see this woman with a child crying.
I go back into the room where he is,
It seems like hours pass, I walk around the room and wait.
I look at him, I slowly walk towards his bed and I lay with him to feel closer.
I hold him, I listen to his heart until it stops.

Suicide, my killer.
Anorexia, my friend.
Razors and knifes, a tool to cut my wrist.
Pens, they smear, I hate them. Paper, once you write on paper it’s official.
I have things holding me down, life is depressing.
Yes, I smile and laugh, it never lasts.
I’m sorry grandma.
I’m sorry mom.
Apologizes are forgiven, but it happens over and over and they say sorry. You keep forgiving.
I’m tired of living, it’s hard.

I have my favorite cd’s on, with my snacks on my bed.
I am searching the internet for poetry that gives me chills.
I’m waiting until I’m tired so I can sleep and maybe even dream.
I hope I can dream about beautiful things.
I wish you were here laying in my bed, I wish we could snuggle.
I wish you could put your arm around me.
I want to wake up with you in my bed.
I miss you.

She slipped through my fingers.
I couldn’t help her.

I’m breathing but barely, why don’t you leave me alone.
Can’t you see when we were together I was suffocating.
You told me I wasn’t good enough for you, you told me to change so I did.
I stopped seeing my friends and I stopped talking to my family.
You held me down and told me I wasn’t worth your time
You broke up with me 20 times, coming back every time saying you were sorry.

I'm broken, yes.
I’m getting worse, the days seem longer and I look forward to the time where I can lay my head down and sleep.
Sometimes I can’t sleep though, it all started 5 years ago.

I remember the night we met.
I remember I use to keep you up all night and we use to sleep during the day.
I remember the first time we talked on the phone, you said my voice reminded you of Minnie Mouse.
I remember the first time I heard you laugh, your laugh reminds me of John Candy.
You said, I love you first.
I remember when I gave you an ultimatum.
You left for 2 weeks, no messages, no texts, no phone calls or emails.
I didn’t think you would come back but you did.
I said sorry and you forgave me.
I love you, I know I can be stubborn sometimes.
I know I don’t always think before I say things.
You make me laugh and giggle so hard sometimes you make my cheeks hurt.
You are my oxygen, I know that’s dangerous if you are my air supply, what if you decide to leave again?
Will I be able to breath?

I wanted to keep sleeping this morning.
I was thinking of things to convince myself to get out of bed.
Finally I got up, I rubbed my eyes.
The beautiful bright sun was shinning through my windows.
I love the sun, it's warm.
I checked my emails and I messaged a few people.
I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror.
I didn't look long, bad thoughts would start flooding my brain.
I would think I'm fat and ugly.
I made some tea, cinnamon and apple was the flavor.
My dad was already up, I said hi.
I asked if there were any eggs, he said no.
But he offered me cereal, I really was trying not to have a bad day with food.
So I ate something, nothing much but I ate.
I'm going to start my day now.

Girl and Girl.
Boy and Boy.
Girl and Boy.
Who cares, who people love.
As long as your happy.
I broke my family apart with the person I chose to love.
No one thought it was a good idea.
My grandma thought it was gross.
My mom swore she would love me no matter who I choose, she lied.
As long as your happy, my mom said she would be happy.
I was happy, I was happy with my choice.
People thought it was a faze, that I really couldn’t be happy with my choice.
The name calling started.
I got punished for my choice.

I like singing in the shower, can you hear me?
I will sing to you if you want.
Maybe after we can lay in my bed, I want to know about you.
Tell me all of your hopes and dreams.
Tell me your favorite color, mines green.
How many girls hearts have you broken?
The hours pass and I feel like I have known you for years.

I saw a group of girls tonight, they were thin, of course beautiful.
I was anxious and scared, I didn’t know what to do.
Plan A, run away fast so they don’t have time to see you at all.
Plan B, keep your head down and walk past them.
I have heard people laugh when I walked by.
I have had people whisper and look at me before.
I have had a girl say your fat right in my face.
I didn’t want to judge these girls; I didn’t know them.
If I walked by, they could laugh or make jokes about me.  
But I walked by them with my head held high, they said nothing, they didn’t laugh.
I think one girl even smiled at me.

I smiled at you, you frowned at me.
I loved you, you hated me.
I tried to make things work, once you finally put toward effort I gave up.
You screamed, I self-harmed.
You said you hated me, I wondered if you really did.
I asked if you were ok, you said you were doing great while I was dying inside.
You say I’m fat, you told me the whole family thinks I’m fat.
You said you never lied to me, you did though, you lied.
I trusted you, you kept pushing me away. I did the same I was tired of trying to make you love me.
I cried and you never wiped away my tears.
I tried hugging you, you said you never got hugs growing up.
Affection is a good thing don’t you know that?
I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything.

I died inside, I would cry so hysterically as if it would bring him back to life.
I needed him, he had always been there.
He will never hold me again.
He will never come home with flowers for me.
He will never smile.
He’s dead, I’m alone.
I love you, someday we will see each other again.

When I ******* I try to think of straight guys,
I think about you though.
I don’t want to; I know it’s wrong.
My mom will judge me, even though she says she will be ok with whoever I end up with.
My family will think I’m wrong.
I have a hard time of going to church, because I think about what they would say if they found out.
I don’t want to be labeled.
I wish I didn’t feel this way, I don’t want these confusing thoughts and have to worry about what people will say.
Will you look at me differently once you find out?
I don’t know who to tell, I don’t know how to say it.
I think about her, I love her.
Is this normal? will I ever think the way I once did again?

Throw a coin in the wishing well, close your eyes and wish for something.
I think of a million things I want.
I think of things I need.
I wish for my birth family to be in my life again.
I know I didn’t wish for candy
I didn’t wish for a guy to come back in my life.
I didn’t wish for world peace.
If you had the chance what would you wish for?

My body has bruises from you hitting me.
You should see my heart though; it’s broken because of you.
I don't know how much more I can take of this abuse.
You said you loved me, I believed you.

Overgrown grass filled the yard and wild flowers filled the yard also.
This girl was sitting on this swing looking out into this field, she was watching the sunset.
Purple, yellow and orange filled the sky, slowly the sun was going down.
This boy was next to her; he was sitting silently watching her.
He didn’t care about the beautiful sunset or the overgrown grass.
He wasn’t paying attention to the birds singing.
He was looking at her.
After the sun was completely down and it was dark.
The boy invited the girl to sit with him in the grass.
He pointed up to the sky, he said look at the stars.
She was smiling, she looked at the boy.
They were looking at each other, silently staring at each other’s eyes.
It felt like a lifetime had passed before the boy leaned over and said something.
He said I love you, the girl started crying a bit.
Tears of joy and said to the boy, I love you too.
She started kissing him, she was really happy.
He said we will be together forever, I promise.
So they lay in the grass and watch the stars the rest of the night, not saying much. They were enjoying the night.
The girl hoped they really would be together forever, she couldn’t imagine herself with anyone else.
The girl finally fell asleep; she didn’t cry herself to sleep or wonder if she would make it through the night.
She wasn’t afraid, she felt safe with him there.
He was right, they were together forever, she was happy about that.
She was happy that she found her soul mate.

Rows of machines filled the room.
Loud sounds and flashing lights.
Hundreds of people all there for the same thing.
I won enough that night to fix my car.
The first time felt like a high.
I was winning, I felt like I was providing for my family.
Night after night I went back, it became an addiction.

It's like the words of my mother haunt me, it haunts me in my sleep and in the day.
When she is my mother and she seems to care, it is easier to keep going. You live for the moments when things seem ok.

I have loved, Now I have lost the love of my life.
I’m done loving people, at least for now.
My heart is broken.

I can’t **** myself because my sadness would be over.
I can’t **** myself, because I would never be able to cut myself again.
I can’t **** myself because people would think I’m a coward if I did.
My sadness would be over though; I would no longer feel.
I wouldn’t be able to cut myself anymore, I wouldn’t be able to leave more scars for my mom to see on my corpse if I killed myself.
If I killed myself, cuts wouldn’t fill my arm anymore.
If I killed myself, my parents wouldn’t be able to fight over me.
If I killed myself, my grandma wouldn’t have to worry about if I made it or not after she died.
If I killed myself, I wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone anymore, I wouldn’t be able to hurt you.
If I killed myself, I wouldn’t ever see your angry eyes and  hear your voice raising higher and higher.
If I killed myself, there would be an empty seat at the table, we never sit at.
Death sounds inviting doesn’t it?
Do I have enough courage to **** myself though?
I would never go to my first job interview.
I would never learn to drive.
I would never be able to disappoint you again.
If I killed myself, you would cry.
You would be sad; you would keep living though.
The whole world would keep going, everything would be the same. Nothing would change and no one’s world would stop if I killed myself.

Cold and tired, I’m hungry.
I need sleep it’s 4:32,I have been talking to you all night.
You make everything seem ok.
Text after text, talking about everything.
I want to hear your voice; I have fallen asleep to your voice before.
It’s 1:34 where you are, you need sleep, you’re not a night owl like me.
I love you, I’m going to sleep now.
Sweet dreams.

It's 3am I'm still up.
The moon is out and the stars are shinning.
We just now stopped texting, we have been talking all day.
When you said you needed sleep, I told you I will miss you.
I said good night sleep well.
You called me sweetheart and babe tonight, yes I noticed.
I feel high you made me *** 2 times.
I'm listening to music now and writing to you in the hope I wont miss you so much.
When will we talk again? Hopefully soon.

Your willing to wait for me, you told me you would come here.
I’m worried that you and I won’t be together forever.
I’m afraid I will push you away.
I’m sorry if I do, I want us to be together forever.
Someone once told me how hard it was to sleep alone, I never truly understood how hard it truly was until I meet you.
I wish you were here.
I love you, someday I promise I will be there and then things will be ok.
Things will be ok for me, I will have you around and I will be out of my parents’ home.
I won’t have the pain and burden of being around my family.
I will try to make things ok between us, I know it won’t be perfect forever.
We will have our problems.

The poem that once had a title, is now nameless.
It will be forgotten, no one will remember it now.
It no longer has an identity, it’s my fault.
I’m sorry.

Her lips were stitched shut, she could not speak.
She couldn’t tell people she was hurting inside, no one would listen to her.
She couldn’t tell anyone she stopped eating, she hoped someone would realize.
She hid her scars, sometimes people saw them and stared, but they couldn’t do anything could they?
I wonder how long it would take for someone to know she was missing from the world.

Sometimes I feel so blind towards this world, can you be my eyes? Can you help me see?
Can you be my prince? help me fight my demons inside of me please.
Please continue being a poet though, I love when you write things for me.
Am I asking you to be too much? I’m sorry.
I can be anything you want me to be.
A poet, a girl, what do you want me to be? Tell me please.
Because being myself doesn’t ever seem to be enough.
It doesn't ever seem to be enough, because I don't like who I am.

She’s trying to not get hit, she knows it will hurt only for a moment.
She has heard it all words hurt more.
Words haunt you, they go through your head and never let you sleep.
Her mother grabbed her hand and is trying to slap her.
She is screaming, daddy please help me.
Her dad does nothing, or maybe he does say something.
She is trying to block it all out.

Depression.
Depression took over my mom’s life.
Suicide attempt.
Bullied when she was younger.
Made fun of because her mom couldn’t always afford nice clothes.
My mom went to college and became a nurse.
She didn’t see me grow up, she was to worried about her job.
My mom wanted a divorce from my father, the first time I heard them fight about it was when I was 13.
Pills.
No sleep.
Barely eating.
My mother stayed in her bedroom most of the time.
Sometimes she made me breakfast though.
When I was little I use to want to sit at the kitchen table, my mom always said no, she had bad memories from when she was a child at the table.
Be careful what you say, she might get mad.
I love my mother even if she doesn’t always remember she loves me.
She has told me she hates me 3 times, she doesn’t remember saying that.

I woke up this morning, the sun greeting me happily.
I rubbed my eyes and for some reason I started thinking about you.
I started thinking about you, I’m worried I can’t remember what you use to call me.
Am I forgetting finally? Is it over, will I no longer be tortured by your memory?

The victims deal with the abuse.
Then when they get enough courage to leave, they have to go into hiding.
Afraid every-time the phone goes off, that it is them.
Every-time someone knocks on the door, they wonder.
Have I been found? Will I have to move again?
When they go out, they look behind them constantly making sure no one is following them.
Careful to post any information on social media, so they cannot be cyber stalked by them.
A friend request on the internet makes them suspicious, wondering if that could be them.
Someone who is friendly sets off alarms, wondering if somehow this person could be related to their abuser.
The victim did not ask for any of this yet, the only way to survive is to leave and hide.
Forever wondering if they will be found and put through the abuse again.

Goodbye.
Wait.
I need to live, I need everyone to know my name.
I need people to know, how long I fought.
I need them to know, that they wounded me.
Everyone has to know my name.
Please, don't let me be gone and forgotten.

Wake me up.
I have had this dream before.
Tired eyes.
Wrinkle under eyes.
Tired body.
Stressed mind.
Please take me out of this dream, I can no longer live in this world I have created.
Where you are the Prince and do no wrong.
A glimpse of light crawled through the darkness and I saw the light, you were trying to hide me from.
I'm no longer yours.

Staying in the situation wasn't possible.
I had to get out from his sight.
I had to leave.
I had no choice, not that I would of wanted to stay.
But, I sit and wonder what would of happened if I had.
If I stayed in the situation with him.
If's consume my mind.
It's hard to let go, of the past.
Because they were my life.
In a way they still are because I find myself consumed with thinking about them.
All those memories.
They were all fake.
They never cared.
But a part of me says it wasn't fake.
A war is happening inside of my head.
Who will win?

He is the winner.
He tried hard to win.
He did everything right, but also, he did everything wrong.
I thought he was right, I thought he did everything right.
I wasn't looking.
We all wanted to believe he was doing the right thing.
After a part of me realized he wasn't the hero, that he did have flaws.
It was already too late because a part of me was already poisoned.
Poisoned by his thoughts that he drilled inside of my brain while trying to make it seem he was there.
While the world was living, I was trying to stay alive and I believed he was helping.
Did he save me at all?
Was he part of the reason I stayed on this world?
Or was I the one who told myself to hang on?
Slowly day by day I try to cleanse my mind of what he said, I try to realize I was the one who saved myself.
But in the end, he is the winner because I don't think I will every truly cleanse my mind.
I will never be the same person I was before he came along.
But every time I take another step into the other direction that he wouldn't have approved of, I am winning.
But I will never be the winner, I will always be trying to get him out of my head.
I will always try to tell myself he isn't right, because no matter what I do a little part of me will believe his hateful words

If I told you, everything that has happened, would you believe me?
Because they didn't.
If I told you, everything I said to him, would you believe me?
Because he didn't care.
If I told you, what he did, would you blame me?
Because they did.
Would you love me, and trust me, would you understand if I told you everything?
If I told you everything, would you look at me different?
Would you see me as a victim?
Because I'm not, I don't want to be seen as a victim.
If I told you, that I'm happy now, would you believe me even after everything I have gone through?
Because I'm not sure if I am.

Everything had to be perfect. I had to have a knife, music and band aids.
I pick up the knife and slowly pull up my sleeve so my wrist can be seen.
I cut my wrist slowly thinking of all the reasons I want to cut.
I think about everything anyone has ever told me. I try to stop but I can’t.
I lied to myself and I keep telling myself I can stop.
Cut, cut, cut, blood.
The blood slowly goes down my wrist and I cry.
I want to stop I really do. I close my eyes; I sit down on the floor thinking about all my thoughts in the dark bathroom.

Everything comes back to you.
Over and over again.
I have told the truth.
Yet I'm the one punished.
For what you have done.

It's hard to hear your name.
It's hard to talk about you, when I know nothing about who you really are.
I want to believe that you are different.
I want to believe that you can show others who you truly are.
Because I only saw the part that wanted nothing good for me.
Do you care?
Do you miss me?
Do you ever hear my name?
Does the memory of me ever keep you up at night?
Do you ever want to cry, because of what you did?
Why won’t you admit it?

I had never opened up myself to anyone.
Until i had talked to you.
Before i had lived life.
Until you had taken control of mine.
I listened to you, thinking nothing was wrong.
All those words i had said, didnt matter to you.
I was desprate to hold onto anyone who showed me an ounce of love, healthy or not.
Everyone knows now.
I have to say it's worse.
I almost wish i had stayed oblivious to your ways.
Because i lost almost everyone i cared about.
Because they don't believe me.
It's not that though that is really bothering me.
It's the fact that, you can walk around and do anything you wish without a worry in the world.
I have to be the one who is stressed.
I am the one who doesn't  get to see the girls grow-up.
I have to sit at family functions and hear about you.
I have to hold it all in, because would look at me as though I was the crazy one.
When in truth, you are the one.
You are the one who thought it was ok.
You are the one.
But I'm the one who has to pay every-day.

Your love was never mine.
Even though I thought it was.
Because my love was yours.
I was so deep and I didn’t realize you didn’t feel the same.
I was blind, even though every sign was there that your love wasn’t mine.
Why did I have to fall in love, why did you not love me?
At times, I ponder late at night when everything has gone to sleep, I ponder if somehow i really wasn’t blind.
Maybe you did love me?
Will I ever know for sure, or will I always wonder?