Please wake me up, tell me I’m alive.
I feel numb sometimes it’s hard to open up to people nowadays.
I need help, say something to me and then maybe I will believe in this world again.

This room has so many memories.
My cousin and I use to play games in this room.
I remember getting all the junk food out of the kitchen and spreading it across the bed in this room.
I remember waking up in the morning and trying to pick out what to wear out of the closet in the room.
I remember when no one was home, I blasted the music and danced in this room.
I remember being excited the first time I saw this room, it’s beautiful.
My mom painted this room, she painted it orange and yellow.
With hand painted flowers on the wall.
I’m scared to change the room; I’m scared I will forget what has happened in this room.
But, things change and it is time to make this room different.
This is my last night in my old room full of beautiful and sad memories.
I can make new memories though.
This will be a good change; this will be a fresh start.

I want to be normal
I want to feel like I mean something to someone.
I don’t want to be floating around from house to house.
I'm sorry we can't get along.
I’m sorry I don’t love you anymore.
I wish things could have worked out, I tried with you.
I didn’t mean to hurt you.
Things will never be the same.

You remind me of crystals.
You shimmer and shine.
You are beautiful, you don’t look human.
Your skin is cold, your never warm enough.
You are my best-friend.
You are only in my imagination.

My father got me a new cell phone, another new change.
I wish I could keep my old one, because your number is in my phone that I have now.
I can’t put your number in my new phone, my parents will think I still like you.
I can’t like you, I can’t.
I need to move on, I need to move on.
You were my first kiss, my first love.
My first heart break.
I love you, I always will in a way.
I can’t be with you, never.
People would think it’s wrong.
I can’t believe all you wanted was my body, I can't believe you would want my body at all.
You say you love me, but then we don’t talk for months. It’s not your fault I know.
I received a call telling me you were missing, my world stopped.
I couldn’t breathe and I was crying.
I was sobbing wondering if you were truly gone.
Hating you because I thought you had run away and left everything behind.
I thought you had left me. Did you leave me?
Is it over? Should I let go of you and leave you behind?
Should I leave all the conversations and promises behind and pretend they never existed?

I’m tired, I wish I could sleep more.
I went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror.
I practiced my fake smile, I might need it today.
Black clothes are my favorite, I put a black band t-shirt on.
I put my hair up, I look in the mirror again.
I see a broken hearted girl with parents who don’t love her.
I want to die; I don’t want to fight or struggle anymore.
I wanted to get away from my parents, I still do.
I don’t want to keep moving around.
I feel like a piece of furniture that people buy and then later sell.
My birth-family didn’t want me, my adoptive parents don’t want me do they?

I’m not crazy I swear;
My mind isn’t all here though.

I stared at myself in the mirror, I look like ****.
I didn’t sleep, nightmares took over last night.
It was horrible, I was shooting someone.
I was shooting someone I knew.
It’s very disturbing, I’m sorry if I’m not myself today.

Once when I was a little kid, I had a bad dream.
I called for my dad, I said daddy, daddy come here please.
I told him I had a bad dream.
He sat down on my bed and said I have the perfect solution.
He told me, when I close my eyes and the monsters come into my dreams spray them with a magical spray.
He said, it gets rid of monsters instantly.
If they don’t go away he said, I can always call him.
I never had to though, I used the magical spray he talked about when monsters came around.
When I became older though and I had demons haunting my head, the spray didn’t work.
I didn’t feel like I could talk to my dad.
I was lost and things were getting worse.
I stopped calling him, I cried and fought my bad dreams alone when I got older.
Where did you go dad?

Magazine clippings, newspaper clippings and online photos fill my bed.
I sit there looking through them trying to find a pretty thin girl.
I need more pictures, I need inspiration.
Ana is talking to me again, she told me I’m fat.
I tried to eat and get better, I tried to rule my own life.
I missed drinking cold water on an empty stomach
I missed feeling like a cloud when I walked.
I missed feeling dizzy.
I missed having hunger pains and crying out in the middle of the night.
I missed you Ana, my only friend.
I missed all of this so much, I went back to all of it.
I am happy for now, until Ana rules my whole life again.

In the moment when he said it’s over, I couldn’t breathe.
I wondered how this happened.
Had I done something wrong?
I woke up, with the first thought being him.
I logged onto my computer, I was going to tell him I loved him.
I love you, I was going to tell him how much he meant to me.
Instead I got 3 messages saying it feels like were just friends.
He said sorry, I’m sorry I said.
I told him I didn’t feel like we were friends, I love him.
How does love disappear over night?
Had he been feeling this way for a while? why didn’t he tell me?
I should have handled It differently.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been different.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been your forever.
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.
I didn’t try hard enough, it’s too late.
I thought I was your inspiration.
Were friends, that's all we are now.
It's ok I don't mind, it's nice to be friends.
Someday, if you do change your mind and want me back.
I'll be here, I will be here waiting.

I don’t want to have to explain to my kids what the scars are on my wrist.
Will these scars stay on my skin forever and haunt me?
I need you tonight, are you here? I need a hug.
I don’t want people to stare at me, acting like I’m not a human being.
When you stare at me, I’m afraid you will see my imperfections.
I don’t want you to run away, I want you to stay please.
Don’t leave me alone to face this world.
I need you, please stay.
You are the reason I wake up; you are the reason I keep going.
I have felt the urge to self-harm so many times, but I don’t.
I stop myself somehow, I stop because I have to.
I stopped for you.

My aunt sits on my grandma’s couch crying; I have been in the same spot doing exactly the same thing myself a million times.
My cousin, sits at the table blocking out her mom’s pain.
My cousin, she hides her pain.
My cousin wants people to think she is happy, she doesn’t want to waste a moment of life.
My grandmother is worried about her daughter, my aunt.
I’m worried about my cousin, she is good at hiding what she is feeling.
I try to make her happy, see her parents almost got a divorce when she was 7.
Her father cheated on my aunt.
Money problems fill their world.
Sickness and death has filled my cousin’s life to many times.
My cousin says she won’t turn out like her mom.

Every night I wish I could wake up somewhere else,
But every morning I am still here.

Say something.
Speak up, you have a voice don’t you?
Doesn’t anyone want to listen to you?
You are lovely, can’t you see that?

Broken heart.
My dad.
Lost love.
Self-harm.
Making things ok with my mother.
Seeing my cousins grow up.

None of this matters now.
I’m tired of living, maybe I should die.

I’m standing on an empty stage.
I’m looking at where the audience would be sitting.
I see someone sitting watching me.
I try to see the person that is there.
I can’t make out their face.
I shout at them and ask who are you.
They don’t answer, I ask them again who are you.
Again no answer, the person begins to walk towards me.
They have a long black coat on.
This person is tall with short black hair.
He gets on stage with me still he has said nothing to me.
I think I have seen this man before, where have I seen him though.
Finally, he speaks he says I’m death, nice seeing you again Steph.
Why is he here?
Why am I seeing him again?

I listen to music wondering if I will make it.
Will I make it another day?
I close my eyes and try to imagine my future, I see nothing but darkness.
I wonder if I will live a long life?
I’m fantasying a lot about death these days.
I need to relive this stress.
I try to distract my mind from this pain.
I sit with my parents and hear them talk about their day.
They went to a few stores, I didn’t go.
I didn’t want to face the world today, I couldn’t not today.
Maybe I will go somewhere tomorrow.
I think about how my parents would feel if they knew I cut, I need to tell them.
I’m putting it off, how do you bring up something like this?
I have to tell them; I have tried recovery.
I can’t do it alone.
I’m hoping they will understand.
I don’t want to hurt them; I don’t want to cause them more pain.
I’m ****** up, they have had to do so much for me already.
I wanted to be a good kid.
I don’t want them to regret their choice of adopting me.
Because I feel like my mom does regret her choice of adopting me.

Pretty girl, you are going to be 16 soon.
Imagine being gathered with family and celebrating your birthday, it’s hard to imagine it hasn’t happened in years.
Imagine a big birthday cake, saying Happy 16th Birthday Stephanie.
I don’t remember the last time I had a birthday cake, I don’t remember the last time I blew candles out and made a wish.
Unfortunately, this will the reality of your 16th Birthday, sitting alone in your room and feeling like cutting deep.
I will cut deep and then hide my cuts with a long sleeve shirt.
I feel like cutting today and not waiting for my birthday.

Even though I can't help you all, I know God will.
He has been there for me when I needed Him the most.
His love will fix your broken spirit; it takes time I know.
You might be waiting a long time before He steps in and helps.
You may wander and fall, but God is there.
Reach out for Him, feel His love and warmth.
He is there I promise, He is there for everyone.
Sick, old, young, blind, deaf. it doesn't matter, He is there for you.
He loves you.

Rain falling, it's really pouring.
People fighting inside the house.
I'm tired I didn't get much sleep, I'm surprised the rain usually makes me sleep.

She likes the smell of forgotten old books, the ones that are hidden in the library shelves.
She likes taking the books home and reading them all night long in her bed.
She will always take a book with her, no matter where she is going.
She can escape into fictional worlds, where she fights dragons and warlocks.
One day she hopes she can write a book, one day she hopes to inspire others.

I can’t **** myself because my sadness would be over.
I can’t **** myself, because I would never be able to cut myself again.
I can’t **** myself because people would think I’m a coward if I did.
My sadness would be over though; I would no longer feel.
I wouldn’t be able to cut myself anymore, I wouldn’t be able to leave more scars for my mom to see on my corpse if I killed myself.
If I killed myself, cuts wouldn’t fill my arm anymore.
If I killed myself, my parents wouldn’t be able to fight over me.
If I killed myself, my grandma wouldn’t have to worry about if I made it or not after she died.
If I killed myself, I wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone anymore, I wouldn’t be able to hurt you.
If I killed myself, I wouldn’t ever see your angry eyes and  hear your voice raising higher and higher.
If I killed myself, there would be an empty seat at the table, we never sit at.
Death sounds inviting doesn’t it?
Do I have enough courage to **** myself though?
I would never go to my first job interview.
I would never learn to drive.
I would never be able to disappoint you again.
If I killed myself, you would cry.
You would be sad; you would keep living though.
The whole world would keep going, everything would be the same. Nothing would change and no one’s world would stop if I killed myself.

Depression.
Depression took over my mom’s life.
Suicide attempt.
Bullied when she was younger.
Made fun of because her mom couldn’t always afford nice clothes.
My mom went to college and became a nurse.
She didn’t see me grow up, she was to worried about her job.
My mom wanted a divorce from my father, the first time I heard them fight about it was when I was 13.
Pills.
No sleep.
Barely eating.
My mother stayed in her bedroom most of the time.
Sometimes she made me breakfast though.
When I was little I use to want to sit at the kitchen table, my mom always said no, she had bad memories from when she was a child at the table.
Be careful what you say, she might get mad.
I love my mother even if she doesn’t always remember she loves me.
She has told me she hates me 3 times, she doesn’t remember saying that.

Overgrown grass filled the yard and wild flowers filled the yard also.
This girl was sitting on this swing looking out into this field, she was watching the sunset.
Purple, yellow and orange filled the sky, slowly the sun was going down.
This boy was next to her; he was sitting silently watching her.
He didn’t care about the beautiful sunset or the overgrown grass.
He wasn’t paying attention to the birds singing.
He was looking at her.
After the sun was completely down and it was dark.
The boy invited the girl to sit with him in the grass.
He pointed up to the sky, he said look at the stars.
She was smiling, she looked at the boy.
They were looking at each other, silently staring at each other’s eyes.
It felt like a lifetime had passed before the boy leaned over and said something.
He said I love you, the girl started crying a bit.
Tears of joy and said to the boy, I love you too.
She started kissing him, she was really happy.
He said we will be together forever, I promise.
So they lay in the grass and watch the stars the rest of the night, not saying much. They were enjoying the night.
The girl hoped they really would be together forever, she couldn’t imagine herself with anyone else.
The girl finally fell asleep; she didn’t cry herself to sleep or wonder if she would make it through the night.
She wasn’t afraid, she felt safe with him there.
He was right, they were together forever, she was happy about that.
She was happy that she found her soul mate.

Little girl I know you have had a hard life.
You say you’re sorry and you shy away from the world.
Little girl I know you were abused.
I know your birth family didn’t want you.
Little girl I know you tried to make things work with your mother.
Little girl I know you love your grandma more than yourself.
Little girl I know you were bullied in school.
Little girl you aren’t so little anymore.
You are a teenager now.
I know suicide consumed your thoughts when you turned 12.
I know the voices in your head became louder, when you didn’t have anyone to talk to.
I know knifes and razors became your friend at age 13.
I know you were still abused and you wanted to get out of your parents’ home.
I know you wanted someone to listen to you.
I know how hard your life is, because I’m you.

I was dead before we met.
I was born again when you fell in love with me.
I lived while we were together, somehow even when things ended between us I find the strength to keep going.
But some days are hard and I struggle to even get up,
I don't lay on your side of the bed to make it seem like your coming back.
I keep your clothes in the closet even when I don't have enough room for mine.
I love you.

The houses line the street, some big and some small.
Beautiful big trees are in every yard, orange and brown leaves falling off of them.
Kids are playing, a little girl is playing with chalk in her driveway.
Another child is learning to ride her bike on the sidewalk, her dad is so proud of her.
I see this girl, she is sitting in her front yard in the grass, she is beautiful.
She is wearing black jeans with a black long sleeve shirt on.
She has a book next to her.
Her eyes look sad, I wonder why?

Kids table, I’m sitting here with the kids, again.
I hear the adults sitting in the other room chatting.
I wish I could sit with the adults, I usually do but tonight I have to sit with my two cousins.
I’m bored, I sit slowly eating my food.
Looking around, my cousin starts laughing my other cousin is making weird sounds.
I start laughing also, I can’t stop laughing.
If you are sitting at the kids table, we should give you a warning.
It is messy at this table.
You will laugh about stupid ****.
You will feel like a child again, isn’t that a nice feeling?
Warning, you will never want to go back to the adult table after sitting with the kids.
Isn’t it funny how much I wish I were at the adults table?
Why would I want to sit with them?
The adults talk about politics and war.
Depressing isn’t it?
They talk about the news and a new mass shooting.
Adults, were once kids can you believe it?
Sometimes though it is nice to go back to your roots and sit with kids.
Kids will be honest with you; kids will tell you how it is.
Kids, they will laugh and **** without apologizing.
Kids haven’t been ruined by the world yet, not yet.
Hopefully they will never be ruined by the world.
I use to be a kid, I was ruined and I had a lot of life struggles.
Reality came too fast and ruined my childhood.
Sitting at the kids table helped me though, I'm glad I sat here tonight.

I hurt when I saw him, my brain went dead and I couldn’t speak.
He looked perfect, I wanted to talk to him but I knew I couldn't.

Country music reminds me of you.
I remember our first date; it was in the back of your truck bed watching the stars.
You said you would take me away from everything.
We knew each other since I was 8.
You are my best friend.
You were my first kiss.

Every time I swallow one of your excuses I lose a piece of myself.
If you don’t want to go out with me, tell me don’t give me an excuse.
Every time you go out with another girl, I confront you.
You say I’m not good enough and that you need a girl who cares.
I care, I care about you even when you hit me and told me I was a *****.
I won’t leave and you know that.
You make me feel like I can’t live without you.
Your right I can't live without you, I can't buy clothes or make my own choice of what I want to eat without asking you.

I thought if I cut my hair short, I would have confidence.
My grams said guys don’t like girls who have short hair.
I thought if I cut my hair I would be happy.
My mom said it was short but cute. I’m sure she really hates it.
I thought if I cut my hair I would smile more.
A friend of mine didn’t recognize me, she said your hair is so different.
I thought if I cut my hair I would want to wear makeup and be pretty.
A lady I know said it looks like I lost 50 pounds with my new hairstyle.
I thought if I cut my hair guys would like me more.
No one is use to my hair yet.
I thought I liked my hair, why shouldn’t I like it?

When you remember me, please remember my smile.
When you remember me, think of the way I laughed.
When you remember me, remember the way my hair looked in the morning.  
Don’t remember my cuts or scars, I’m not ashamed that I cut, but you are.
I want you to remember me running through the sprinkler or making silly faces underwater.
I want you to remember me wearing miss-matched socks.
I want you to know how much I loved you, because I really do.
I’m sorry if you are reading this, I didn’t want you to live a day without me there with you.
I want you to know it’s ok if you find someone else to love, someone you can make love with.
Someone who does your laundry like I did.
I want you to find someone who likes mint chocolate chip ice cream as much as we did.

She died, no one asked if I was ok.
I had to pack her stuff up and put it in the garage, I guess they thought that would wipe her existence away and make it seem like she was never here.
She was here though, she touched my life.
A life was lost, no one cares.

The edge looks so inviting.
I could close my eyes and it could be all over.  
One step and then I’m dead.
Should I jump?

I feel like I’m dying each day.
I feel like I’m suffocating, no one is there to help me breath.
Sometimes I feel so bad.
It’s an overwhelming feeling.
Do you see me?
Have I become invisible?

My aunt was cleaning out my grams closet and couldn’t find anything red to wear.
She was looking for a red dress, for me to wear to prom.
I guess I had no choice in the matter.
Red dress, why red?
Why did my aunt insist on me wearing red?
Why were we looking in my gram’s closet? Why weren’t they looking through my clothes?
Why were they looking at all? Isn’t is my job to pick out something?
I wanted a yellow dress, a beautiful long yellow dress.
I have a yellow dress, it’s my favorite, but I don’t want to wear it now.
I’m saving it for my funeral, I want to be buried in my yellow dress I already have.

I don’t have to carry my whole life with me anymore but I do.
Pieces chip off and I forget the little things.
But I still remember you, I always will.
I love you, you helped me through school
You helped me when things weren’t going well with my mom and me.
You meant the world to me, so why did you leave?

I saw a group of girls tonight, they were thin, of course beautiful.
I was anxious and scared, I didn’t know what to do.
Plan A, run away fast so they don’t have time to see you at all.
Plan B, keep your head down and walk past them.
I have heard people laugh when I walked by.
I have had people whisper and look at me before.
I have had a girl say your fat right in my face.
I didn’t want to judge these girls; I didn’t know them.
If I walked by, they could laugh or make jokes about me.  
But I walked by them with my head held high, they said nothing, they didn’t laugh.
I think one girl even smiled at me.

I texted my mom, I said goodnight.
I took a shower, I thought I would check my phone after that.
I could barely stand in the shower.
I am dizzy, my baby cousin ate more food tonight than I did these past 3 days.
I weighed myself I lost 9 pounds.
I thought of the reasons I was starving myself.
I checked my phone, my mom said night.
I was hoping she would say I love you Steph.

I have loved, Now I have lost the love of my life.
I’m done loving people, at least for now.
My heart is broken.

Butterflies fly away, so will I someday when I get enough strength.

I'm broken, yes.
I’m getting worse, the days seem longer and I look forward to the time where I can lay my head down and sleep.
Sometimes I can’t sleep though, it all started 5 years ago.

She said razor blades.
I started thinking about cutting.
I hate myself I can’t even think of knifes or razors, if I do I want to cut.

It's 3am I'm still up.
The moon is out and the stars are shinning.
We just now stopped texting, we have been talking all day.
When you said you needed sleep, I told you I will miss you.
I said good night sleep well.
You called me sweetheart and babe tonight, yes I noticed.
I feel high you made me *** 2 times.
I'm listening to music now and writing to you in the hope I wont miss you so much.
When will we talk again? Hopefully soon.

I’m so tired I had nightmares that keep my eyes awake.
I’m Depressed I don’t feel.
I have an Eating Disorder.
No one can keep me from shaking and crying. Please help me.
Don’t you understand I feel fat already, you don’t have to tell me that I am.
Don’t you see that I’m not happy anymore, why don’t you help me?
Don’t you see my scars, do you even care?

Purple shirts.
Purple markers.
Purple jewelry.
It’s your favorite color.
I packed all my purple things away in a box.
I hate the color purple; it reminds me of you.
I later came to realize; I should not hate a color.
Purple has done nothing to me.
I started wearing the color purple again.
It reminds me of the good times.
It reminds me of how much I truly miss you every day.

My body has bruises from you hitting me.
You should see my heart though; it’s broken because of you.
I don't know how much more I can take of this abuse.
You said you loved me, I believed you.

A little cut here, a little cut there.
No one will notice.
No one cares.
Hide the scars with band- aids and sleeves.
Cutting is the only time I feel alive.
I wont do it anymore I promise, lie.

You came into my life 9 months ago, You changed me.
When we first met, you found me on the verge of death making a plan on how to die.
I was in pain, sometimes I felt like screaming.
I hide in the bathroom and turned on the water while I threw up so no one could hear me.
I cut my wrists and told myself I could stop, I was really addicted though.
You lifted me up, you showed me the light.
You said you wouldn't leave me, you did.
You always came back though.
You asked me do you know how much I love you?
I started smiling again.
My parents noticed a change, they started wanting me around again.
If something happens and you decide to leave, I want you to know you changed my life forever.
I will always remember you, I love you.