Her hands are breaking;
She sits at the piano bench waiting for her hands to be ok so she can play.
Her daddy broke her hands she’s so sad. Her daddy came home drunk she was excited to see him at first,
she sat at her piano that her mama bought her for her birthday when she was eight.
  She started to play for her dad but he got mad, so he threw her into the wall and broke her hands.
He was drunk again,
her mama wasn’t home she was out selling drugs to get some money.
She told her mama to sell the piano so she wouldn’t have to sell drugs for a while. But her mama didn’t sell it,
her daddy left and her mama died when she was 18.
The girl got her own place she brought her piano with her. She was able to play again because her hands healed.
She goes into her own world and forgets about her mama selling drugs. She continues to play the piano; she forgets about her daddy. The piano is the girls drug, her addiction, her medication

I started writing again a year ago for the first time since I was 8.
I started again in the hope that it would help me stop self-harming.
A healthy way to get my anger out, but for the first time in four months I self-harmed tonight.
I have cuts on my wrist, I have scars there from previous times.
I will have to start recovery again, I thought 4 months ago was my last time.
I’m not angry with myself, I have relapsed a lot.  
4 months is my new record; I should be proud of that.
I’m sorry Alexis that you know I self-harm, I’m sorry you will see new cuts again.
I’m sorry Josh, you had been amazing towards me since you found out I self-harmed.
I’m sorry I relapsed again Josh, you told me to pray to God, instead I wrote poems.
I’m sorry grandma, I know your worried about me.

She’s happier when she’s self-harmed.
At least, that’s what she thinks.

She’s more confident when scars are hiding on her body.
Until she looks in a mirror
And realizes what she has done to herself.

She hates herself when she looks in the mirror.
Until that feeling goes away
When someone says, something mean, without knowing her story
That’s when self-hatred comes out and captures her mind.

She’s happier when she’s self-harmed.
All her issues are better when expressed on her skin.
  Crashing back when the high of self-harming is gone.
And it ends up causing her more pain, then she had before.

She likes the world more when she has self-harmed.
It’s filled with so much good
Until something sets her off and feels the need to self-harm again
And she hates it all more than she should once again.

Her mind feels calm, when she self-harms.
Terrified of losing that feeling
She soon wants to self-harm again.

But she can stop any time she wants
She has herself trying to believe this.
Because self-harm takes the pain away.
That is, until all her friends leave.
Because her life revolves around the next time she self-harms again.

Shards of sadness filled my life,
Piece by piece it filled my heart until there was nothing but sadness,
Sadness has taken over, there is no helping me now.

I’m sick, head hurts, ears hurt. My mouth is sour.
It hurts when I swallow.
I can’t eat much.
I am so lucky it’s also the time of the month.
My family has been sick lately and I have been taking care of them.
It was bound to happen, me being sick.
It's ok though gives me an excuse to sleep.

The silence woke her.
She become aware of everything.
Suddenly the world had become quiet.
She could see the people running around.
But she became oblivious to what people said.
Everyone became unfamiliar with her voice.
Because everyone was tired of trying to speak to her when she seemed like she wasn't listening.
But she was, she didn't know what to say though because everything was falling apart.

It’s quiet outside this morning.
Fog fills the air; I’m walking down the sidewalk.
The trees are a beautiful color, green, brown, and red leaves fill the street.
The wind is blowing and for now everything is calm. But the calmness won’t last it never does.
I don’t see anyone, I’m glad that way I don’t have to smile or talk to anyone.
My mind is cluttered full of thoughts; I don’t know what to think or say.

I am a girl who hides behind a smile.
Everyone who looks at me in one glance could think that I am happy. I have everything that I could dream of.
Their mistaken, they should look at me more closely.
People should look at my long sleeves on a hot day, they should know something is wrong.
I don’t like eating in front of people because they stare.
If everyone took a little more time to notice someone, or smile at a person maybe the world wouldn’t be so sad. Maybe I wouldn’t be sad.

September 10th.
This date never use to be important to me.
Until 5 years ago, tomorrow is Suicide Prevention Day.
Suicide, what an interesting word.
I’m sorry to say, my dad lost his best-friend to suicide.
Suicide, took his life.
My dad still thinks about him.
My dad’s friend had a mother.
His mother is still alive; she still misses her son.
She has pictures of him everywhere.
I’m sorry to everyone who has lost someone to suicide.

I sat in my chair, it was a brown, cream peachy color.
I put my feet up and snuggled under my blanket, I loved this blanket.
The blanket was so big, it had big blue and pink flowers on it.
I had a table next to my chair, my book was on there that I was currently reading.
I looked out my window and closed my eyes, I could see orange and yellow colors when I did.
The sun was out, it was beautiful and warm, I felt safe.
I kept my eyes closed and relaxed, I thought about my life.

I’m lost in a million different worlds, I’m tangled and weaved into lives that aren’t mine.
At night I slowly fall into my  world hoping someone will comfort me tonight.
I lie and say I’m fine when I really want to scream.
I see you, I want to reach out and touch your face.
I see you every night. I want you to comfort me but you never do, you never did. Why don’t you?
I think I’m going crazy; I don’t want to see you anymore in my world.
Leave me alone! I hate you.

I need someone to hold my hand.
I need to feel the warmth of the skin.
I need you to understand I might be sad even when you do this.
Don't be alarmed if I suddenly break out into tears.
It's not you, I'm glad your here holding my hand.
Sometimes though even when I know someone is here for me.
I still feel the need to cry.
Because I feel things, and I see things, and life happens and it's hard at times.
So, don't run away when my eyes become filled with tears.
Because if you weren't here, holding my hand, it might be worse.

Hey, I thought I would write something for all my followers.
I would like to start off by thanking Word Freak.
Word Freak was my first ever follower, he is the one who told me about this site.
Thank you to cgembry, the first person to like my work.
Thank you, Teresa Alaska the first person to comment on my work.
Thank you, Anna-Maria Rose Newell, you have given me a lot of inspiration.
Thank you, Walter W. H., David Hewitt, and Enslaved King you also have given me inspiration.
Thank you, Joellei for always being here when I need someone to talk to!
Thank you, Flames for a martyr, Toxic moon and Vicki.
Thank you, Woody, Stephen, and Keith Wilson.
Thank you, Bleeding Diamonds you make me smile and laugh.
Thank you, Jennifer DeAngelo for writing a poem about me.
Thank you, Eebi Jonson the first person I collaborated with.
Thank you, Kristy Renae Dalton.
Thank you,  John Stevens for raising your two beautiful grandchildren, I can tell they really love you.
Thank you, so much John Stevens for reading my work and giving me endless amounts of support.
Thank you to John Stevens wife also.
Thank you to all my followers each and every one of you are special to me.

The glass house sits there waiting to be shattered,
the people inside are the ones who will shatter it with their words and actions.
The people inside yell and everyone knows even though they try to hide it.
The girl inside is scared her parents are going to get a divorce. She hides and tries to not listen to the fighting.
She’s tired of having to keep going back there.
The other lady inside hates her she has told the girl.
It seems so hopeless but the girl still tries to make everything alright.
But she needs help herself but she will never ask the people in the house for it.
The glass house keeps shattering because of the mean words and the girl tries to rebuild it.
She wants to get out of there and she can but she is still afraid of what lies ahead. The girl is afraid she will fail.
Even when she leaves the broken glass house to spend time with the rest of the family she pushes them away she doesn’t want them to get hurt trying to pick up the shattered pieces of her life because she is hurt herself by trying to fix things.
What is the girl supposed to do?
She needs help can’t the people inside the house see that?
Don’t they care?
But in the end it doesn’t matter because it shatters slowly and then it breaks all at once
and the girl can’t do anything anymore she can’t fix the house, she could never fix it. The house was already breaking she didn’t see that though.

Dreams pass
Lives change.
The world keeps going.
People fall.
People pass.
The world keeps going.
People struggle.
People rush by without saying hi.
The world keeps going.
When will it change?

Today is the day...
Today is the day that I forget about you.
Today is the day when I let go of the pain you inflicted on me.
Today is the day when I let my scars heal.

Today is the day when I stop numbing the pain.
Today is the day when I face the mistakes I made.
Today is the day when I become who you wanted me to be.
Today is the day to change.
Is it ok if I'm no longer the nice girl?
Is it ok if I don't let you step on me?
Today is the day when I let your memory invade my mind.
I'm sorry I ran away for so long.
I didn't want my demons to catch me.
For a while, I felt nothing.
But then you came along and made me feel again, you left, I shut down.
Today is the day when I start feeling again.
Because I am figuring out that I do not need you, I can feel and still be stable

I became what you wanted me to be.
Feeling faithless, God is not here.
Lost in this darkness.
I'm still drowning.
What did you expect to happen when you did those things?
That everything would be ok.
That it wouldn't affect me, or were you hoping I evolved into the image you created for me.
Because I was becoming the person, you wanted.
A part of me still resisting, enough of me changed though.
Enough of me changed, and I started believing your ways.
You are gone, now who am I?

Please wake me up, tell me I’m alive.
I feel numb sometimes it’s hard to open up to people nowadays.
I need help, say something to me and then maybe I will believe in this world again.

Dad messaged me yesterday around 5.
I thought this drama was over.
He said listen carefully, so I did.
He said, I have 2 choices.
I can come home Sunday, or have grandma take legal guardianship of me.
No middle ground he said.
If I go back to my parents’ home, he said I won’t see grams except for the weekend.
He has said all this before.
This time feels different though.
He said make a decision after I read his messages, I was supposed to message him right after.
I told him this is a life alerting choice, a decision I can’t make alone.
I told him I would be at the house on Sunday though, what else could I have said?
I went to my aunt’s house yesterday, to get her opinion on it.
I’m getting a lawyer, I’m ready to live life.

He said I’m a great poet.
Never stop writing he said, never.
He told me he loves my work, he said he loves me.
He made me feel something again.
I’m afraid to lose him, he means everything to me.
He has taught life lessons.
I’m different, I have changed people notice.
He helped me realize I’m beautiful.
I’m so much more confident.
I would of never wrote this much and pursued writing more if it weren’t for him.
I love him, I love him this is the best feeling in the world.

I like singing in the shower, can you hear me?
I will sing to you if you want.
Maybe after we can lay in my bed, I want to know about you.
Tell me all of your hopes and dreams.
Tell me your favorite color, mines green.
How many girls hearts have you broken?
The hours pass and I feel like I have known you for years.

I went to the house, for the first time in months.
I had spent so many hours here.
This felt like home, this is where my heart was at.
I wasn’t supposed to be here; my parents would get mad.
I wanted to see them though.
My aunt, my uncle, my cousins.
I didn’t want it to end, I walked through the house looking at everything.
I saw the vase I made my aunt.
I saw pictures of me when I was younger.
My cousin and I played basketball.
I watched my uncle watch football.
I talked to my oldest cousin.
I memorized the house before I left.
I don’t know when I will see you all again.
I love you so much.

Your willing to wait for me, you told me you would come here.
I’m worried that you and I won’t be together forever.
I’m afraid I will push you away.
I’m sorry if I do, I want us to be together forever.
Someone once told me how hard it was to sleep alone, I never truly understood how hard it truly was until I meet you.
I wish you were here.
I love you, someday I promise I will be there and then things will be ok.
Things will be ok for me, I will have you around and I will be out of my parents’ home.
I won’t have the pain and burden of being around my family.
I will try to make things ok between us, I know it won’t be perfect forever.
We will have our problems.

I had a bad night last night.
Texts from my mom saying grandma should raise me full time.
She said she will take me to probate court and sign away her rights as a mother.
Is she a mother? Could you really call her that?
My mom said it’s better this way for all involved.
It’s better for her if she wouldn’t have a daughter anymore?
My mom told me that my dad has missed me, he wanted to pick me up and bring me back.
My mother said I know you aren’t happy at our house.
You have lived with your grandma most of your life, of course she is going to make you happier.
Who’s fault is that? You sent me to grandma’s house when I was little because you didn’t want to deal with me.
My mother thinks I hate her, she acts like I haven’t made any effort to fix things.

The sun is beating down on his face; he is an older man.
He is sitting on a park bench; he is feeding birds bread.
A girl comes walking up to the older man, she seems happy to see him.
The girl is crying tears of joy it seems.
The older man hugs the girl, they sit down on the bench.
The girl hands him a box, a box full of letters she wrote to him over the years.
The man slowly reads each one, sometimes smiling and laughing at what he reads.
He begins to read more, the man starts crying.
He is reading about her issue with her weight and food.
He reads about her self-harm.
The man slowly looks at the girl, he says I'm sorry honey.
I'm sorry I couldn't of been there for you, but I'm here now.

It’s in the past, it’s history.
I remember when it happened, seems so long ago.
My heart still hurts and I cry sometimes when I’m reminded of what happened.
Somehow I have kept going and I have lived.
I’m breathing and eating.
It’s in the past, I still remember though.

When I ******* I try to think of straight guys,
I think about you though.
I don’t want to; I know it’s wrong.
My mom will judge me, even though she says she will be ok with whoever I end up with.
My family will think I’m wrong.
I have a hard time of going to church, because I think about what they would say if they found out.
I don’t want to be labeled.
I wish I didn’t feel this way, I don’t want these confusing thoughts and have to worry about what people will say.
Will you look at me differently once you find out?
I don’t know who to tell, I don’t know how to say it.
I think about her, I love her.
Is this normal? will I ever think the way I once did again?

Kids table, I’m sitting here with the kids, again.
I hear the adults sitting in the other room chatting.
I wish I could sit with the adults, I usually do but tonight I have to sit with my two cousins.
I’m bored, I sit slowly eating my food.
Looking around, my cousin starts laughing my other cousin is making weird sounds.
I start laughing also, I can’t stop laughing.
If you are sitting at the kids table, we should give you a warning.
It is messy at this table.
You will laugh about stupid ****.
You will feel like a child again, isn’t that a nice feeling?
Warning, you will never want to go back to the adult table after sitting with the kids.
Isn’t it funny how much I wish I were at the adults table?
Why would I want to sit with them?
The adults talk about politics and war.
Depressing isn’t it?
They talk about the news and a new mass shooting.
Adults, were once kids can you believe it?
Sometimes though it is nice to go back to your roots and sit with kids.
Kids will be honest with you; kids will tell you how it is.
Kids, they will laugh and **** without apologizing.
Kids haven’t been ruined by the world yet, not yet.
Hopefully they will never be ruined by the world.
I use to be a kid, I was ruined and I had a lot of life struggles.
Reality came too fast and ruined my childhood.
Sitting at the kids table helped me though, I'm glad I sat here tonight.

I made it another day without you here with me.
I wonder how many more days I will have to go without you.
Sometimes I think about how my life was when you were here.
My life got worse and I stopped living after you weren’t here anymore.
I know you’re out there somewhere living life, breathing, eating and laughing.
While I mourn you, I will always miss you.
I will always love you.

I imagine myself in a meadow sitting in beautiful purple and yellow flowers.
I see a river flowing and I see the tress swaying from the wind.
I look outside my bedroom window again my beautiful meadow is gone.
This time I see, houses and kids playing in the street.
I see cars pulling out of driveways.
When will I see my beautiful meadow again and drift off into my imaginary world?

I count every calorie of every day
Hoping one day I will be as beautiful as you.
I need to lose weight, you told me I was fat, gross, and a *****.
You wonder why I’m so insecure.
I’m not allowed to get mad at you when you hit me and make me feel worthless.
I look in the mirror thinking of everything you have ever told me, I think about all my imperfections and my mistakes I have made.
Sometimes I think about what my daddy said and I think I’m strong enough to leave you, but I stay and you know I will.  
I whisper loving words in your ear at night.
Praying you will do the same one day.

She likes the smell of forgotten old books, the ones that are hidden in the library shelves.
She likes taking the books home and reading them all night long in her bed.
She will always take a book with her, no matter where she is going.
She can escape into fictional worlds, where she fights dragons and warlocks.
One day she hopes she can write a book, one day she hopes to inspire others.

Rain falling, it's really pouring.
People fighting inside the house.
I'm tired I didn't get much sleep, I'm surprised the rain usually makes me sleep.

I had a picture in my head of how my family was supposed to look like.
Smiling faces.
My parents getting along.
No screaming.
I’m not sure why I thought that my family would be happy, funny and have a good life.
I learned early on that this wasn’t the case, I’m afraid to grow up and have a marriage that ends, have screaming in the house and have my kids wishing they could be dead.
Because that’s what my childhood was like.
I’m afraid to have kids, even though people say I’m nothing like my parents, people think I will be a good mother.
How can I be a good mom when I didn’t have one myself?
Don’t get me wrong I’m not blaming my mom, she did the best she could.

Sad Poems.
Sad Girl.
Sad World.
There is no light, I see only darkness.
I can’t remember the last time I was ok.
Eating Disorder.
Self-Harming.
Binge eating junk food.
I can't remember the last time I didn't do those things.

Pretty girl, you are going to be 16 soon.
Imagine being gathered with family and celebrating your birthday, it’s hard to imagine it hasn’t happened in years.
Imagine a big birthday cake, saying Happy 16th Birthday Stephanie.
I don’t remember the last time I had a birthday cake, I don’t remember the last time I blew candles out and made a wish.
Unfortunately, this will the reality of your 16th Birthday, sitting alone in your room and feeling like cutting deep.
I will cut deep and then hide my cuts with a long sleeve shirt.
I feel like cutting today and not waiting for my birthday.

I listen to music wondering if I will make it.
Will I make it another day?
I close my eyes and try to imagine my future, I see nothing but darkness.
I wonder if I will live a long life?
I’m fantasying a lot about death these days.
I need to relive this stress.
I try to distract my mind from this pain.
I sit with my parents and hear them talk about their day.
They went to a few stores, I didn’t go.
I didn’t want to face the world today, I couldn’t not today.
Maybe I will go somewhere tomorrow.
I think about how my parents would feel if they knew I cut, I need to tell them.
I’m putting it off, how do you bring up something like this?
I have to tell them; I have tried recovery.
I can’t do it alone.
I’m hoping they will understand.
I don’t want to hurt them; I don’t want to cause them more pain.
I’m ****** up, they have had to do so much for me already.
I wanted to be a good kid.
I don’t want them to regret their choice of adopting me.
Because I feel like my mom does regret her choice of adopting me.

I’m standing on an empty stage.
I’m looking at where the audience would be sitting.
I see someone sitting watching me.
I try to see the person that is there.
I can’t make out their face.
I shout at them and ask who are you.
They don’t answer, I ask them again who are you.
Again no answer, the person begins to walk towards me.
They have a long black coat on.
This person is tall with short black hair.
He gets on stage with me still he has said nothing to me.
I think I have seen this man before, where have I seen him though.
Finally, he speaks he says I’m death, nice seeing you again Steph.
Why is he here?
Why am I seeing him again?

She is being pulled and pushed around.
She is being dragged around.
She hates this world; she has no freedom.
She always dreamed of getting out of this place at 18.
Wishes in her  heart usually never came true.
Getting use to the world was a struggle.
So innocent at one time.
She is labeled as depressed, suicidal, and a self-harmer.
Liar is her new name.
Life rejected her, she really rejected the world because she is scared.

Say something.
Speak up, you have a voice don’t you?
Doesn’t anyone want to listen to you?
You are lovely, can’t you see that?

Broken heart.
My dad.
Lost love.
Self-harm.
Making things ok with my mother.
Seeing my cousins grow up.

None of this matters now.
I’m tired of living, maybe I should die.

Every night I wish I could wake up somewhere else,
But every morning I am still here.

I told him I’m on day 11 of not self-harming.
He seemed like he didn’t care, I’m sorry I told you.
I thought you would be interested in knowing since you said you loved me.
He agreed with me when I said it doesn’t matter how many days I have stopped I will always be a cutter.
He said yep, he agreed.
So, if I will always be labeled as a cutter and the world will continue to see me that way, why shouldn’t I continue slicing up my arms and wrists and be what people will always see me as.
Recovery is challenging I should know, why waste all that time when I could be feeling high.
Why stop my unhealthy habit if I love it?
Why stop if you will see me as a cutter for the rest of my life any way?

Even though I can't help you all, I know God will.
He has been there for me when I needed Him the most.
His love will fix your broken spirit; it takes time I know.
You might be waiting a long time before He steps in and helps.
You may wander and fall, but God is there.
Reach out for Him, feel His love and warmth.
He is there I promise, He is there for everyone.
Sick, old, young, blind, deaf. it doesn't matter, He is there for you.
He loves you.

My aunt sits on my grandma’s couch crying; I have been in the same spot doing exactly the same thing myself a million times.
My cousin, sits at the table blocking out her mom’s pain.
My cousin, she hides her pain.
My cousin wants people to think she is happy, she doesn’t want to waste a moment of life.
My grandmother is worried about her daughter, my aunt.
I’m worried about my cousin, she is good at hiding what she is feeling.
I try to make her happy, see her parents almost got a divorce when she was 7.
Her father cheated on my aunt.
Money problems fill their world.
Sickness and death has filled my cousin’s life to many times.
My cousin says she won’t turn out like her mom.

I don’t want to have to explain to my kids what the scars are on my wrist.
Will these scars stay on my skin forever and haunt me?
I need you tonight, are you here? I need a hug.
I don’t want people to stare at me, acting like I’m not a human being.
When you stare at me, I’m afraid you will see my imperfections.
I don’t want you to run away, I want you to stay please.
Don’t leave me alone to face this world.
I need you, please stay.
You are the reason I wake up; you are the reason I keep going.
I have felt the urge to self-harm so many times, but I don’t.
I stop myself somehow, I stop because I have to.
I stopped for you.

In the moment when he said it’s over, I couldn’t breathe.
I wondered how this happened.
Had I done something wrong?
I woke up, with the first thought being him.
I logged onto my computer, I was going to tell him I loved him.
I love you, I was going to tell him how much he meant to me.
Instead I got 3 messages saying it feels like were just friends.
He said sorry, I’m sorry I said.
I told him I didn’t feel like we were friends, I love him.
How does love disappear over night?
Had he been feeling this way for a while? why didn’t he tell me?
I should have handled It differently.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been different.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been your forever.
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.
I didn’t try hard enough, it’s too late.
I thought I was your inspiration.
Were friends, that's all we are now.
It's ok I don't mind, it's nice to be friends.
Someday, if you do change your mind and want me back.
I'll be here, I will be here waiting.

Magazine clippings, newspaper clippings and online photos fill my bed.
I sit there looking through them trying to find a pretty thin girl.
I need more pictures, I need inspiration.
Ana is talking to me again, she told me I’m fat.
I tried to eat and get better, I tried to rule my own life.
I missed drinking cold water on an empty stomach
I missed feeling like a cloud when I walked.
I missed feeling dizzy.
I missed having hunger pains and crying out in the middle of the night.
I missed you Ana, my only friend.
I missed all of this so much, I went back to all of it.
I am happy for now, until Ana rules my whole life again.

I can’t **** myself because my sadness would be over.
I can’t **** myself, because I would never be able to cut myself again.
I can’t **** myself because people would think I’m a coward if I did.
My sadness would be over though; I would no longer feel.
I wouldn’t be able to cut myself anymore, I wouldn’t be able to leave more scars for my mom to see on my corpse if I killed myself.
If I killed myself, cuts wouldn’t fill my arm anymore.
If I killed myself, my parents wouldn’t be able to fight over me.
If I killed myself, my grandma wouldn’t have to worry about if I made it or not after she died.
If I killed myself, I wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone anymore, I wouldn’t be able to hurt you.
If I killed myself, I wouldn’t ever see your angry eyes and  hear your voice raising higher and higher.
If I killed myself, there would be an empty seat at the table, we never sit at.
Death sounds inviting doesn’t it?
Do I have enough courage to **** myself though?
I would never go to my first job interview.
I would never learn to drive.
I would never be able to disappoint you again.
If I killed myself, you would cry.
You would be sad; you would keep living though.
The whole world would keep going, everything would be the same. Nothing would change and no one’s world would stop if I killed myself.

Depression.
Depression took over my mom’s life.
Suicide attempt.
Bullied when she was younger.
Made fun of because her mom couldn’t always afford nice clothes.
My mom went to college and became a nurse.
She didn’t see me grow up, she was to worried about her job.
My mom wanted a divorce from my father, the first time I heard them fight about it was when I was 13.
Pills.
No sleep.
Barely eating.
My mother stayed in her bedroom most of the time.
Sometimes she made me breakfast though.
When I was little I use to want to sit at the kitchen table, my mom always said no, she had bad memories from when she was a child at the table.
Be careful what you say, she might get mad.
I love my mother even if she doesn’t always remember she loves me.
She has told me she hates me 3 times, she doesn’t remember saying that.