I'm on my third group of patients
now the welcoming committee to a place I was once a stranger
I know the walls and schedules,
which nurses work at night,
where the Tech met her husband,
and the due dates for the pregnant staff
I'm on my third group of patients
each one leaving bittersweet
these people know me without judgment
I can talk without fear
and with each discharge--
I feel like I'm losing a piece of myself
I'm on my third group of patients
I'm having to learn to let go
this part is never easy

The trepidation I've felt has begun to settle somewhere other than my chest
I've been known to be reluctant with change, especially with myself
this change is good but unfamiliar
I can't decipher the medium --that steady baseline people are supposed to have with their emotions
so they are keeping me for observation
like we do with a sick fish at work
my sick is in my mind
it's harder to diagnose--
unseen and masked--
hidden and shameful;
here, I've begun to forgive myself

I know staying here much longer can affect my progress
but Mania feels the same as getting better and while I'm ready for better,
I'm scared of good
of the fix
that the stitches I've placed will start tearing out again

They spoke to me today about the possibility of discharge
I don't want to leave
here I feel steady
unjudged
cared for and loved
here, I'm away from the stresses of the outside world
I don't want to go back
the biggest stresses I have here are what coloring page I'm going to do;
what number I can't figure out in my Sudoku, if there's music or animal therapy today outside---
I'm forced to be an adult  
I've been an adult my entire life
I've never gotten to be a child

They're changing my meds
so I'll be here for a while
a decade or so of avoiding help and treatment has left me at a personal best for my worst
but I feel okay
I can't tell if I manic or stable
finally not in the pit of depression
it's been so long I don't know what okay feels like anymore

--I'm trying not to get excited

I'm rocking, I'm rocking, I'm rocking
back-and-forth
and my senses are being overwhelmed
and my hands won't stop shaking
and my heart is beating loud and fast
my skin is crawling
back
forth
back
forth
I try to hum
to cancel out the quiet ringing
back
forth
my hair is touching me
my clothes suddenly feel like walls closing in back
forth
back
forth
the gentle constant motion steady
my breathing tries to mimic it
I'm rocking, I'm rocking, I'm rocking
back-and-forth

Playing this game of life with the cards I've been dealt feels like an impossible task--
but I can't draw new ones
I'm forced to play with what I've been given: broken pieces, a soggy misshapen board, weighted die
I'm playing with a losing hand
the game stacked against me

--- the house always wins