There are letters behind my name
not ones earned with prestige and degrees but ones that follow nonetheless
MDD, GAD, BPDII, ADHD, OCD, hEDS
defining traits of my mental
and while they label they don't add any value to my life
in fact they do the opposite
they hinder every moment
every thought
every action
every task it takes a village

---I hate asking for help

Like a child,
I play pretend
I run and hide from the monsters
unlike a child
I have no one to check under the bed
in the closet
behind the door
I live alone
and find comfort in that
but I cannot be my own caregiver
the difficulties in my wants are oxymoronic what I want and what I need are playing tennis
the ball constantly bouncing back-and-forth face and conquer
or fear and cower
the match has yet to end

-- they are undefeated in their own fields

We saw therapy dogs today and it reminded me of the future I want
of animals
and kindness
and an open home on some land
with a koi pond
and gentle sounds of teenagers that aren't mine down the hall
from a library stacked with books
and a cold, long-forgotten tea on the table
I want a future I likely won't see for many reasons
the biggest obstacle is me

The groups seems to bring out emotions I'm not fond of facing alone
and these people make me feel safer than my own family
but although the depression is lessening,
its cousin anxiety has settled in somewhere deep in my gut
sending shockwaves to my fingertips
I fidget
I disassociate
I crave desertion
but I've been running
and I've been hiding from the skeletons seeping their way out my closet
bony metatarsals and phalanges fiddiling with the lock
it will rust soon enough
I don't know if I'm ready for the break

I've known these people less than 48 hours and already the knowledge they leave on monday is causing ants to stamp their feet into my chest
I should be happy that they are leaving
that they've progressed enough to not need constant supervision
but instead I am anxious
already fearing the change
I'll still be here
and though they owe me nothing
I feel abandoned, betrayed

These people know more about me than my parents
these people know more about me than my closest friends
I have a hard time opening up to people
I have difficulty trusting
seeing them go feels like heartbreak
I will be alone again

--while I love to be alone, I'm not very fond of being lonely

I took a shower tonight
borrowed hospital gowns replaced mine
so I can wear clean clothes again
showers normally feel like catharsis
tonight it felt like defeat
anxiety swelled in my chest as I forced myself to take calculated breaths
slow
in
out
in
out
breathe. repeat.
the shower I was in had a chair
and that made it easier to stomach the idea of "clean"
I don't know why I felt that way
it shouldn't be this way

We went outside today
a concrete courtyard with partial sun
and like dogs we lined up
excited and eager to go outside and play frisbee
to draw with chalk
for the privilege to sit in unfiltered air

This place is like kindergarten
I'm drawing and coloring
with music class sprinkled in
our P.E. morning stretches
we lineup to walk to the dining hall

I think I needed this--
this childish retreat--
a place to have someone else take care of me for a change
with my peers, and in downtime,
I forget why I'm here
laughing, talking, able to speak without fear of judgment
we all walk in hand with our demons here and then I'm faced with doctors
and I'm forced to remember
forced to feel
I don't like that part