I've been here before
This weird mentality in between okay and not
It's a seesaw I sit on with myself
balancing the bar with equal weight and no sudden movements
And it's always a test to see how long I can hold it this time
A week?
A month?
A day?
I try to beat my record everytime
Positive that my balance must be getting better after all this time
positive that muscle memory should kick in at some point and take over
It never does
I hope it gets easy soon.
I don't like when it tips
when it tilts one way,
it always tilts back the other with much greater force
But I'm balancing now
I'm balanced for now

We were young and dumb and learning to grow up in a world that wanted us to stay young
We kissed under the stars at the lake with our shoes thrown down the hill
Our hands intertwined as we experienced what a french kiss was--
messy, sloppy, and full of my long hair
you would call it weird

We thought we were older than we really were
annoyed that the adults couldn't see that we weren't children even though we still were
We complained about rules and your step-siblings being sent to watch us
We would sneak out of the house at night where we would dance to no music in the streets
and would lay on the trampoline trying to figure out exactly what first, second, and third base were
We didn't really know anything even though you played baseball

We were freshmen in college
miles apart and set up by my best friend
I resisted initially but our connection was instant and I finally realized this is what love was
not awkward kissing that never felt right
not experimental touching
it was true and funny and it didn't judge or get upset if my weird long hair got in the way of a kiss
It was losing my virginity and staying in your arms all night
It was you.
It still is you even these years later
I'm sorry it took a while before I could get to you

If I told you what I really thought of you
And insults were like cavities
I wouldn't have any teeth left

Driving to different offices and placing my resume in the hands of possible future employers was exhilarating
I never thought I would be so rash in a decision as I am now
My two weeks notice will sit on your desk tomorrow
leaving you forever wondering what happened

You offered me numerous promotions
A business trip most recently
Your boss incredibly fond of me and progress with the company
Management always came easily to me

But I'm a workaholic when I'm at work
and too often I stayed off the clock, unpaid
so a fellow employee wouldn't have to suffer
all the work that still needed to be done
in all the lack of time we had

This is my parting gift
This piece of paper
A symbol to you that my life has outgrown this place
that I know has taken more from me than it's given

I wish you well
that you will find a worker who is passionate about
this company the way I once was

In two weeks I will be gone
I will move on with my life

This is my parting gift

I blame it on a lot of things
The timing was wrong
We had different goals
The spark was gone
We just weren't on the same path
I blame a lot on outside forces
I should own up though
I only spoke when spoken to
Only hung out when asked
Never me being the one to iniate contact
I distanced myself
Emotionally
Physically
Mentally
I was our ruin
As with every relationship I've been in
I am my own downfall

There are many things in the world I've never experienced
I suppose I've always had the chance
Just been unlucky with timing
Like that time in the fourth grade when we went to mammoth cave on a field trip
There was an earthquake
But because we were underground we couldn't feel anything
The world was shaking above but we missed it
Maybe the world is shaking now
Maybe I missed it...