My mother laughs at the obituaries every morning over breakfast
sharing with me the ridiculous names some people were once unfortunate to have
She cuts out her favorites adding them to her collection on the inside of a cabinet door in our kitchen

I guess that's unusual
laughing at someone else's pain
Maybe she's a sadist
or maybe I'm the one with a problem
because instead of laughing or feeling pity
I swallow my mouthful of cereal and I am jealous

I listened to Tiny Dancer last night and thought of you leaping across the stage
make-up done up
long hair you always wished short tied in a bun
matching outfit with sequins
if I look close enough I can tell you tried to get the scuffs off of your shoes for this moment
but they are time worn and will never fade--
a testimony to your hours upon hours of practice for this moment
the moment you shine on that stage
with precision and elegance to your movements
I listed to Tiny Dancer last night trying to remember the feeling of freedom that you used to give me

Often times I will love my poetry the moment I write it
Believe it to be one of the best I have written
but then I go back
and reread
and realize that I don't love it as much as the ones
I thought were sub-par

    --It was the same with you

I was born into this world with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck
the ***** which gave me life already trying to take it from me
My first noose was this one
and maybe then my parents should have laughed at the future symbolism as death has chased me ever since
He replaced my umbilical cord with his hands many times
but each time I wake up
panting
sweating
screaming
crying
surviving just like I did before I even knew what the outside world was
I will take this as a sign, then
that I should be here
that I am meant to be here

I cried over take out mexican last night ashamed of my lack of friends
It never bothered me before
Probably because I never really took notice
But when you moved away it made me realize I had nobody
My family wouldn't even go out with me
Two friends
One I barely have the time to speak to anymore
And you, who moved hours away
I guess it's kinda funny that this of all things caused me to spiral down
Being alone is the worst kind of pain

Some things take way more energy when the chemicals in your brain dont add up to equal happy
Like sitting up to read instead of lying down
Or shaving your legs when you haven't been bothered to in months
You never really cared about my cactus legs though
You're from the desert after all

I fell last week.
Hard and fast
Abruptly
My foot slipped out from under me in a way I know my ankle will never be the same thirty years from now
Strange how a human can endure intense operations and fully recover
But an ankle will never be the same if it's twisted once
I guess I'm similar that way