I wish I could tell you about
all the late night drives
I had to take this summer,
and how I would think about
you every second.
I swear to god there were
times I would pass your exit
on the highway
and I would almost turn around
and drive straight to you.
But I haven't seen you since April,
and considering it's now September,
I'm sure you don't think of
me much.
I would listen to your old
voicemails, and sometimes
I would almost swerve into
lanes because my eyes
would be blurry from the tears.
I always thought to myself,
if the last thing I heard
was you whispering
"I love you"
through the phone
on an open road at
midnight, I don't think
I would quite care.

He said "just friends, good friends."
and i nodded in agreement,
even though i felt the fire spark
in my chest long ago.
They all warned me about you,
and i didn't listen.
How was i suppose to
push the feelings away
when all i can think about was
the traces of your hands all
over me
and the warm feeling i got
when you kissed my shoulders.
It was nearly impossible,
but maybe i should've learned my lesson
when i saw you talking to her
pushed up against the wall
in the middle of a party
at three in the morning.
Maybe i should've learned when you
told me you couldn't possibly
have feelings for anyone,
but told me a few weeks later
she was the one that sparked the fire
in your chest.
You would always choose me second.
I think this is the slowest and most
painful way of killing yourself.
But i shouldn't care,
because he always said
just friends,
even when he got too drunk
and decided he wanted to
be in love for the night.

I didn't realize how much i was going
to miss you until the cold breeze started
to flow through my windows.
You reminded me of Autumn.
My favorite season out of them all.
The cold air hit me like you did,
when i first met you.
I realized i didn't want to
live through another fall season
again, if i had to do with without you.
Now that you're gone i know the leaves
are still going to change.
That doesn't mean you're going to come back.
I just let the cold breeze roll in
along with autumn memories with you
and i still go on,
everyday,
as if you never existed.

I know, i should have known
better, the one person
i wanted, only wanted me
when he was drunk.
And i tried to stay
away,
but he was a drug to me.
He would never do this sober,
but when he was drunk
he would kiss me from my lips to my shoulders,
he would take me in his arms,
and he would feed this false sense of hope
into my heart,
and i knew it was all fake.
But i didn't care because i just
needed something to sedate.
Something to remind me
of what's it's like to feel
warmth,
even just for a second.
Because any other moment of the
day my blood ran cold,
and i feared that he might be the only
thing to heat me up.
Even though i tried so many times
to kick him out,
he always came back.
Like a disease.