What do you do
when the person
who is
your heart,
dies?

How do you love the right way?
How do you trust the right way?
How do you accept the right way?
How do you?

How
do
you?

Passing out at pulpit
never assuaging
signal lines fraying
straying lights praying
playing heights failing

Corona solitude
ember has a magnitude
un-burden your burden
fail the feathers: fire, ice, leaf.

Is this a dream,
or am I just remembering
a trinity?
Is it minus one?

If I've coagulated,
then the emptiness lost
is a cancer I will remove.

"Dasehra, make these shackles go away. Dasehra, as long as I am injured. Dasehra, as long as I remember." ~ Cedric Bixler-Zavala

Well at least
we answered
that debate,
didn't we?

A tongue across top teeth
brittle spaces they hold
inside the guts of an urn
spray painted indigo,
and that
is your color.

You always say you write
Water,
while I write
Fire.

I write flame
and I burn brighter than most,
my love.

And you are the water
that somehow held me
alit
until the moment you
no longer could.

(my neglect, my taking for granted,
my mental illness [Bipolar etched ****** features], death and loss)

And now,  I've slipped
and been doused.
I no longer write flame
I write the snuffed out
I write the ones who lose
I write the loss of
purity
innocence
childishness
love
My little girl...
... gone.

And so it seems I've been drenched
in November Rain.
It's true, you know:
The pain of loss remains.

Slide across your subtle folds
Tease with fingers
Wetness
Your body always responds
It knows the touch
of me entering your honey
Slick, like a baby seal
and just as bald.

The apologies dissolve
as the crumbling blocks
disintegrate in whole
equating into nothing
but my cracking heart.

The
pavement
cracks like
memories.

For a decade,
I put drops in
your child-like ears,
always getting infected
and agitated,
just like a toddler.

An act of service.
An act of love.
An act of commitment.
An act of desire.

An irresistible desire
to show you love.

And now,
here I am,
without you,
feeling like a child
with no one
to put them in
my own ears
but me.

When I meet your eyes
I cannot escape
the deep and vibrant
black.

My world melts away
like changing movie scenery
behind me.

My time speeds up beyond speed
and slows below time
and I am left bewildered.

An ocean is what I'd dive into for you.
My phobias are meaningless at your gaze.
Where do I go from here? What help is there?
There is the returning to wires, metal, corroded
heart.

We were meant:
From open handed
unrestrained
open-palmed
strikes to your face as
I penetrate you,
to the way you lean
into my hand
squeezing your throat
until you nearly
lose consciousness,
let go last moment
hard-******* in for air
your body more alive
then ever
woke again
from another slap
and your eyes gasp wide open
looking for Daddy
and finding my gaze,
and being at peace
with the weight
of me
on you.

I've always unfurled myself to you
like a map that guided you
to where you currently stand
and wondered when
you'd roll me back up
and put me away.

Picked away, again it bleeds.

How much until you are satisfied?

Will I be left alive,  
afterwards?

Will I survive this
calling rope and loaded chamber?

Broken images
flash through the mind.

All the joy and togetherness
of family
gone.

When you live in a kaleidoscope
the loss of colour to life
leaves more emptiness
in its absence.

And your tears
are useless platitudes
to the thought
of ever having it back.

And her love
has become
the very thing
you always feared
it would.

And this broken family
has broken again.

I must be quiet
quiet, still
but doing so
will only show
shadows on the fourth wall.

A bright beacon of hope,
A window to eternity,
A pride-inducing hope,
A lustful desire.

You appear like a ghost
haunting my mind
infecting my heart.
Are you even here,
or am I imagining your presence
like a husband pining
for a dead wife?

Were you ever here, really?
Did I have a life with you
or is that just a dream
I am remembering?

Clots of blood surface
saying we have nothing in common
but I know, really,
that they are only imagined
in a reality I could see past
but you couldn't.

So who are you?
Who am I without you?
I've been finally catching up
but you are long gone
and I never had a chance.

But I'm glad you
eased your concerns
by invading my
thoughts, presence, dreams...

At least you
got satisfaction.

And to think
I've felt GUILTY
looking at ****
since our issues started,
the whole time
you were ACTUALLY
******* someone else.

I'm chewing gristle
gnashing my teeth on bone
yet somehow it
is like honeycomb
and in it,
sweetness.

Splinters of bone between
my teeth like
macabre toothpicks,
quills of a porcupine,
fangs of a spider.

It's so quiet.
The kind of
quiet
that
kills.

Not a familiar heart
for hundreds of miles.

And my heart
runs up and down
the aisles of you

searching...
searching...

out on the lost highways
of our path
into the unknown.

Maybe you'll be alone
for the rest of your life
empty connections
and no future.

What am I to think
when talking to me
is harder
than the **** that ****** you?

To think
you'd hurt me
worse than the one
you healed me from.

I'm worse off than when
I met you. How
does that feel?

That
I hope
you're sad

that you get that special kit out

that you look puffy-eyed from crying

that this poem ****** you the *******.

I just don't have
time enough
to suffer love
that's been poisoned
for years.

I said I could never be mad at you
but you pushed
until you made
me a liar.

She lit his darkened heart with light
the most beautiful he'd ever seen.
She dragged him in like a magnet
pulling black holes from the sky.
She made it impossible to escape
her grasp and be drawn into her.

Then, "one day she stiffened"
and pushed him away
and he fell into that big
black hole.

Stretched into an oblivion of time;
nothing but memories
of a light that once
burned.

I'm talking to my computer
because if I talk to you
I'll uncover
all my rage for you.

You'll cry,
"I can't take this beating."

But you sure took that beating
his **** gave you,
didn't you.

That's right.
It's a statement,
not a question.

And to think
of all the pain
and broken feathers
I spent trying to
save you.

Like the generations before
and those loved
and those remembered
I'm joining the club.

I'm not calling to ancestors
I'm joining them
I'm becoming an empty ghost
in an empty tomb
which all of her light
has left.

And I can stare right into that black
it's there anywhere I look around
and just like the song, I'm thinking maybe
six feet ain't so far down.

And we are pouring away
like the words
that won't
stop coming.

And we choke down
like the pain
that won't
stop coming.

Who am I?

How dare you
take it away.

I will never
trust
a woman
again.

I rise each morning
on thoughts of you,
eager, ernest, wanton...

And it carries me up out of bed
Into my day
Until we meet again

Your love is what takes me there
floating in bliss,
lighter than air.

In peace you sleep
next to me
every breath
an acrostic
spelling my name.

Your skin, a
magnet
to my
hands.

We may step
out of time
but in these moments,
we are finding
our new song.

A circle goes 'round
still after these years
you pained that sweet
little girl
and pained that sweet
little girl
and pained that sweet
little girl
and pained that sweet
little girl.

And are you not surprised?
She is numb to you, now.

Will I just think,
"Yeah, wasn't worth it,
I should've left years ago"?

...comes from Reddit.

I wish I was heart-broken
Sad, let-down, hurt.

But what you've done
is grind this heart of mine
to a fine black powder,
and dust
doesn't pump.

And I'm sick
So sick
I'm vomiting up
black powder
and soon, hopefully,
this stupid aching heart,
will die.

I'm curating a list
one final time
Play it through
it'll feel like a crime.

Kind words
Pure love
Tender care
Open hearts

We used to lay out like cartwheels singing songs
as the world spun around us, uncaring
we danced around it until madness stole
our innocence.

And I've never been more convinced
that ruin, like the horrors of leftover war,
can be overgrown again
and green.

It has been
festering
for years.

Silk
wrists-ties
still cut when
pulled tight enough.

Chest heaving
into your arched back
cheeks pulled wide
your *** shines red.

I look to you
but there's no one
there.

And this non-silence
cuts through skin
leaving only nerves
unwound like noodles.

I can quiet this vessel
with lies and straw
like the effigy
lit to us.

This vicious circle
once again
spins so fast
the friction
sets my hands on fire.

your tears
don't affect me
anymore.

My pornhub
searches
start with
"loving".

My brown-skinned dream
Coalesce my fever screams
Take the holy remedy
Bring me to my knees

All that is, once was, will be
And she can sing me
Sweet to sleep
Into finally-peaceful dreams

My heights are like you've never seen,
I succeed where Icarus failed
and I touch the sky.

My beauty is
alluring,
but deadly.

I am higher than Everest,
and despite the many attempts,
none have survived.

The cold
shivered shoulder
of a girl
mocha-skinned
who promised you the world,
but when you couldn't keep up,
she gave up.

All the dreams
of this being true,
that you swore never would be,
are broken picture frames
in the mirror-mask of my heart.

I love you far beyond the stars
This universe is so small compared
The churning, spinning infinity
Is nothing next to the love for you in me.
My little girl
My only one
Who, if life stabbed with time,
heartbreak, confusion, and fear,
I would hold you up
I would never let go
even long after
this Universe
is cold.

You ****** someone else.

"Don't say that, you're berating me!"

So I can't talk frankly about
what you've done? What
the **** am I supposed to say?

"Call it 'an affair'!"

But you let some other guy
*******
(more than once).
I can't talk frankly about it?
About how you let another man
enter you?

"*******!"

And the door slams.

And the car drives away.

And I feel a weight lift off of me.

Then prove it.

Empty me out
blood,
to the floor.

Open my veins,
hung from the door.