I never really understood the feeling of flames and fire
Until now

I want to start being light and happy again
I want to lay in the sun at lunch
I want to laugh and make jokes
I'm going to be happy

Spaces between us
Hold all our secrets
Leaving us speechless

I stopped taking care of myself
And that’s how I know

(This isn't a poem so don't even bother)
Because here's the deal
I hate it when I want to write about things that scare me, my fears, my past
And I have to be worried that people on here will read it and wonder if I'm okay? Wonder if I need help, feel pity towards me? I don't know if they would
Because I promise you all I am somehow 10x stronger because of the **** that's gone down
And maybe it's not that much ****, but it's a lot to me
A lot to recreate how I think, move, feel, sense
I just want to be able to talk about this and not get those stares like "oh my god this girl must be messed up because of that. She must be depressed or something"
I know what depressed is
I know what cutting is
I know anxiety is
But that's not me
That's a girl who got lost
Very lost.
She isn't and never will be me. Ever.

I hate how I think I'm better off
And I end up ******* myself
I hate how almost every memory of sophomore year is painful.
Some are beautiful pains
And some are dark dark pains.
I hate how I have to filter myself on this site
I hate how I'll write something and end up deleting the whole thing because what's the point of posting something on private of I'm the only one who will read it.
I hate how I can love people so much,
So so much
But I end up hardening up about it
Speechless and slightly ******
I hate how no one will actually read this, or if they do they won't read it slowly
I hate how I'm using hate because I don't think I truly hate anything except sin and evil.
I want sunshine and stupid cliche picnics and board games and skating and everything I say I'll do but never end up doing
And I can't say I love you to anyone enough to express god I love you
And I'm sorry you haven't heard it
And I promise I'll work on it

Everything around me has become confusing
From feelings to family, everything has broken
Into a million tiny pieces, like specks of   dust
And I'm done dealing, so I sit here breathing them in

It's so ******* hard to look these people in the eyes
And I try, but no matter how much I write about it
It's never gotten easier, especially with those people

I’m losing my humanity

I'm sorry if I say I need you
I don't care, I'm not scared
Of love
When I'm not with you I'm weaker
Is that so wrong? Is that so wrong?
You make me strong

Let's run away together

No one loves me now
And that's *okay

How can I live with you?
How can I let you touch me.

Who ever thought
I’d be wishing for a flashback

Okay stop stop stop
I am falling in love with you
Stop I know where this goes
And it hasn't worked out
Before
But
Don't
Stop

My heart must be fooling me

I'm trying to be

I am a sixteen year old girl with
the body of a thirteen year old boy
*And that's okay

I'm dandelion to you
But Piper to who?

But I can't make the first move

Our breathing slowed to a simultaneous rhythm
Supported by our hearts, beating the same

Make it stop

Finally I am clearly seeing everyone
And I know they see me too
For once I feel like I am being *seen

I can honestly say I am disgusted

I need to stop flirting
And leading you on
Because it won't happen
I can't do it
And it's unfair to you
If I keep acting like
It will

Some songs will never sound the same

I was doing so much better
I was way more self confident
And now You had to
******* go there
And say the wig looks prettier
Than me. your own daughter
Laugh at me. Say Its awkward
Say it was a mistake
Say you feel bad for poor me
What do I have to do
To feel ******* pretty
What do I have to ******* do

This is the time of year when you need someone to love
And someone who loves you back

I am beaten down, worn out, utterly emotionally and mentally exhausted
And a giant weight sits on my shoulders that I carry around all the time
A choice I have to make. Do I break what's already broken, or leave it to break others

Don't hold eye contact with me for too long
I'll start attaching myself and I shouldn't do that
Should I?

It hurts so much
I’m losing touch
I hold my breath

It hurts so much

Instead of trying to understand it
I'll just accept it

If I'm being annoying please tell me okay?

I can't quite fit in the words I want to say

Hey I'm the girl without hips or a ****,
But I sure like moving them
Hey I don't have much *****,
But I never said I didn't like others
Hey I blush and giggle like crazy
But Im on top of you in my mind

Sometimes it feels inevitable

I would say that's good
but that's not how I feel

Last night as I was talking
I realized what happened
And what insecurities
You have always had
Funny how this dance
Happens to be a masquerade
We all hide it somehow

I would like to sincerely apologize to everyone for being a disappointment

You know, by law, that is psychological ****** abuse right?
I know
You know that is a form of child abuse right?
*I know

Part of me still wants to cut it all off
All of it.

So I thought something
But now I'm starting to think
Was I wrong

don't tell me this is a bad idea
I should have remembered
I have trust issues

I didn't think I could become this
I didn't think I could latch on to this
But I can feel myself doing it slowly
And it feels so ******* good

If I could say one thing to you
Before you were ripped away
I'd say you saved a life or too
I'd fall and beg you to stay
If I had one role model
I'd defiantly say it was you
You have the purest heart of all
And that I know is true

I am moving constantly because I have to say something
But the words aren't there, I can't even tell you what the thought is

"For I couldn't write an encyclopedia that would describe you well enough"

You want me to fall in love with you

It's funny that if I were forced to choose
I know exactly who I'd run to

When will I be able to stop fearing that the people who “love” me will **** me