I had a goal, something to get
But now, I see how impossible
It was for me to strive for that
And with that sudden realization
Maybe it's time I get a new one

I'm paper thin now
Only short flashes
In the car when I drive
Only when certain songs
Come on the radio
Only at certain times of day
I'm paper thin now

The numbness has begun to fade
And now I descend into panic
As every single ******* thing
I've been through and never told
Every single thing I never
Had the chance to cry about
Every single ******* thing
I've held in since I was six
Is bursting at my seams,
And no amount of stitches
Can keep it from leaking out

She smokes cigarettes outside in the dark
She likes the way it feels knowing the smoke is deadly
Her pale face and sunken grey eyes, drug induced state
She doesn't try anymore, and
Her hoodie isn't thick enough to warm her skin,
Growing ever colder

I text my mom asking her if I should go in there and tear him apart with words so truthful it'd leave him speechless
And then she says no, and I realize she's right
I'd be too scared of what he'd do to me afterwards.

I'm truly afraid
I'll never feel at home anywhere

Popping pills is not my thing
Let me rephrase that
Popping pills can't be my thing

I used to see fire in her eyes
Now they hold nothing, defeat
He drags her everywhere
He takes her phone away
He treats her like a child
Therefore she's been trapped
And remains so for us

Dear friends,
I fear that is site is a catalyst
Of negativite emotions
And I fear as of now
It brings out the worst in me
I also fear it distracts me
From the most important things
Going on right in front of me
So I think I am going to take a break
For a while,
And I wish you all the best of luck

who knows why i came back to this site
maybe its because my source of communication sits dead in the muddy waters in that cold lake
and without a soul to talk to, i write myself:
Dear Me:
i know you're trying, so don't worry about that. i know you are a happy person and you just long every ******* day to let go of this sadness that creeps in at the worst of times. i know you don't like having to always be fidgeting, how you always bounce you're feet during church or class.  i know you love God, and i know you are trying. Dear, just be still. stop worrying, stop fidgeting, stop remembering. look at what you've accomplished, and smile. you've done so much and you have so much more to give. let it go. and if you can't let it go, and when your strength is gone and your hopes fall low. remember I love you, God loves you, and you were beautifully made. goodnight. xoxo

I couldn't see you
You were forbidden to see us
But every chance we got
We latched on and cried

Jump
Don't jump
Jump
Don't jump
Jump
Don't jump

Don't jump

There comes a moment when you want to write about something so beautiful
That it refuses to be transcribed into ink, and you're stuck with only memory

All the one direction songs
All of these stories
They are, in essence,
What I want the
Story of my life
To sound like

Baby I 'm never leaving if you keep holding me this way

I haven't turned down a dare
Except for this one,
You're daring me to kiss you
But I won't, I refuse
Time for a truth instead

Suicide jokes aren't funny anymore.

You're scaring her
That glint in your eye
The way your mouth curves
The shaking with rage
You're scaring her
Not because she's afraid
That you'll hurt her physically
But even worse
How dare you call her pretty
How dare you say
You are justified
You're scaring her
And this time her mother
She doesn't care
Her mother has come to
Dislike her just as much as you
You're scaring her
And now she suffers physically
Her head is pounding
Eyes are burning dry
You are scaring her
Yet you know. Yet you don't care.

I fantasize about death like she fantasizes about life

My eyes sting as they sit glued to the screen of my phone and my thumbs robotically type out this poem

I need something real. Something tangible.

I used to like fishing
It was such a joy to catch a fish
And boy were they good to eat
Fried fish fresh caught
Right outta our bayou!
But today... I got a different look
Today a baby swallowed my hook
The metal device stuck inside
I saw te terror in his eyes
Twitching awfully, worm still attached
Flicking it's fin's, trying to breathe
The gills forced painfully open
Trying to breathe even if it meant
Forcing the hook deeper into an *****
Body occasionally spasming,
While I frantically look for pliars
Pliars to work out the hook
But of course I couldn't find any
I squeezed two finger nails
Into it's dime shaped throat
And pulled on the hook
I couldn't wiggle it out.
So I did the only thing left
I cut the line
It had been 5 minutes
I knew it was too late
The baby fish was limp now,
I still slid him into the water
He floated on his side to the surface
His gills twitched open,
Trying desperately to breathe
Soon the small gill twitches got sparse
And the baby's eyes turned foggy
I sat there, helpless, as I knew
I just took a life away from this world
It was ****** in my eyes,
And all the torture the baby endured
The pain, only to get a slim snack
The deaths for most of the fish,
Are too slow and tortuous..
I do not fish anymore...

There's a point when the welfare of others begins to take its toll on you
When the wellbeing of someone is more important than yourself

You have to love yourself enough to stop
You have to love yourself enough to say no
You have to love yourself enough to realize
It was hurting you, and the whole time it wasn't okay
You have to love yourself enough to move on

More tortuous than anything is the human heart,
beyond remedy; who can understand it?*
"The heart always wants what is good of course,
But sometimes we do not know what is good,
Only that our heart wants it, and it ends up
Not being what God wanted for us,
Or what was good for us, and it causes the most pain
The human heart is truly a mystery" ~Mr Reed

I am usually happy
Ready to spread smiles,
Make someone laugh,
Calm someone down
But sometimes I fake it
And pretend I'm okay
When really a combination
Of stress, father, and self hate
Mix to make me different.
To look in a mirror and wince
Dread going home
And sweat over grades
And when I get that upset..
I do things I regret

Kisses don't scare me anymore
Even though they seem gross
I think I could tolerate the feeling
Of lips on lips, for a second
Wait not for a second.
*for minutes

Tic tac toe, you're fitting into place
And now the old ways don't seem true
Stick stop blue you're only shifting
In the same old shape you always do

My childhood obsession
Posters littered my walls
I even had your eyebrows
Marked upon my face
What a man for an amazing
Character

Life is a tumbling sea of nauseous waves right now
Waves fueled by dreams I can't even begin to decode
Unless you take into consideration my worst fears

So many wars against so many religions
So much hate because we don't believe the exact same thing.
People put so much faith into their religions,
they sometimes forget about what their religions about.
I do not like the idea of religions very much
If your a Christian and you believe in God,
Why have so many religions just cause
Someone does one minor thing different
I looked into it, and the differences between us is so small
Let me answer a question.
Yes, other Christians believe in Jesus too!
Guess what? they also go to communion,
get baptized (shocker) and pray!
Why can't we have a church called Church.
Where everyone could worship God however.
So theres no more discrimination because of religion.
Because i don't put my faith in religion,
I put it in Jesus Christ.
Amen.

I squinch my nose up as the smell of **** plumes out of the truck my cousin hopped out of
Sitting in the back of her car, nauseous because of the smell and half car sick
We sit at a table half eating lunch, half staring at the walls,  only small talk
Once best friends able to spend weeks on end together, we've grown apart
Her interests in drugs and boys and things that trigger these rain clouds of thought push me away
I speed to Nana's, desperate for the familiar *****, warm feeling
My grown cousins greet me with empty hugs and greetings and the gap gets wider
I watch as their children run and scream and play and I am swept back to my own childhood
The old joy filled bike races and ***** games of hide and seek ripple faintly
I realize that I'm all grown up, that nothing I can do will transform me into the toddlers I watch playing in the yard
The feeling leaves me hollow inside, devoid of the wonder of childhood and struggling to fill the peculiarly shaped hole growing up has gouged into me
The further I go the wiser I get, and the more unhappy I become
I'm left confused as to how magical this place, these people were when I was so young
And how dull, and futile it's all now become with age.

She, in three weeks, has had 3 different guys
(Yeah I'm happy for her)
But each time she tells me about the new guy the deep hollow pit inside my stomach gets a little deeper, a little more empty
It seems like everyone has someone pining for them
Well that is except for me
I don't mean to ***** and complain and wallow in self pity
But this has been inside of me and I guess I need an outlet
It's like a punch in the face when I'm with friends and then we take a picture and everyone seems to look 17
Except for me
It hurts when people ask if I'm what 13 or maybe 14?
I mean I didn't realize how premature I am until now
And I can't tell you how much I hate it
I hate having to wear make up to look a year older, and even then I only look like a freshman
I despise bathing suits
I detest clothing that tightly fits because it is supposed to accentuate natural feminine curves
But I have none so what's the ******* point besides making it even more obvious I don't have them
It hurts not being able to shop for bras
And ******* like ******* it hurts when your best friend tells you "aw it's okay one day"
Because it sounds like my mom saying I can't ride in the front seat of the car
It's belittling
And I already feel little enough
It hurts looking at bras and **** online because none fit you
The worst part of all is probably all the "one day you'll grow sweetie"
That only makes it even more of a reality
So I guess the best idea is to **** in that part of myself I hate and not share that often or else I get those comments that hurt more
so I'll keep holding **** in because that's what I'm good at
And we can all pretend I didn't go ***** off like this

I would like to sincerely apologize to everyone for being a disappointment

You say you want to kiss me
And I'm sure you really do
But you only want to kiss me
So I can admire you
You don't love me at all,
Obviously you're with him
I'm tired of being someone to use

When more than one person calls you unattractive
And all in a matter of only two days
It really does stuff to you

You are the one person who has been a constant
I see the open bible, marked from head to toe
On your skin, the verses alive inside if your heart
Positivity seeps from you're pores, gleaming
And I've never met someone who genuinely listens
I've never met someone who is funny,
Without using these ****** jokes, these negative words
You've never cursed in your life, you remain pure
You don't sink low as to talk about others,
You're faith is deep rooted, and no wind can shake you
Yet your eyes are soft, easy to lock in and feel at home
Every time I'm with you, I feel my spirit lifted,
I feel myself become the very best I could ever be
My role model, I strive everyday to be more like you

How many times
Will you knock down
The pitiful wall
Of self esteem that
Took so long to build
And how many times
Will this pillow
Soak my tears because
Of my own father

I have the potential to be beautiful

She doesn't know I know
She doesn't know what I do
She doesn't know how it is

I slipped under the hot blanket of water
Feeling enveloped, surrounded, consumed
It felt dark and warm and I felt closed, safe
But when I opened my eyes, I saw
That I was under a false impression of security,
And was just as naked and exposed as before.

I want a man like you.
lol is it weird I'm in love with fictional characters?
They are what i dream about each night
Come walk, lurking in the shadows, come closer
come closer to me. I like your mysterious heart,
Your complicated ways, i am secretly yours
Come open your heart and soul for me.
Tell me what has hardened them, ill fix it.
Shh be soft for me. I can show you how to love.
I go for the underdogs. The ones who need
LOVE the Most. Because i feel a connection.
I have so much love to give. And i want you.
I want you to have it all. Because people haven't
liked or loved you and i know you are
SECRETLY BEAUTIFUL

Everyone has something that haunts them
Some have multiple things
Hovering over like a rain cloud
For me?
It's when I walk by the buildings
And see my reflection in the glass
When I grab my iPad
And quickly turn it on so as not to see
The person looking back
I want to have self confidence
But it's hard when my reflection plagues
My mind with the most unkind words

Nine year old didn't know about the word popular
Ten year old was climbing trees and breaking limbs
Eleven year old wasn't thinking about her sexuality
Twelve year old had magical, adventurous whims
Thirteen was introverted, awkward, but confident
Fourteen was extroverted, but began her downfall
Fifteen was self destructive, confused, and anxiety
What will sixteen bring? Will she continue down?
Or is this the point when she turns it around

Even if no one believes me
Forgiveness is the greatest thing we have
How can anyone sit on a throne and condemn others when they also sin every single day.
It's in no ones place to judge.
But we are all human, and we all will.
**Just remember it was Christ who hung out with the prostitutes, liars, cheaters, thiefs and heretics.

Me, well I've never had that
But I'll tell you it sure does
Get confusing sometimes

I'm a little ******* up
A little self focused
A little self hating
A little bit jealous
A little bit confused
A little bit gay
A little bit straight
A little in love
But a little out too
A little messed up
But I'm enjoying every minute

My heart jumped into my throat
And my stomach lurched
My lungs dissolve into dust

Cryptically typing a hurried thought
That defied every response

I look in the mirror and no one stares back
I see him in things that I do
When they see me, when they discover
I promise, I hate me too.

I gasped out loud laughing, correcting you
But I just realized, you don't see it that way
Maybe you never saw it that way to begin with