I gasped out loud laughing, correcting you
But I just realized, you don't see it that way
Maybe you never saw it that way to begin with

I am so ******* happy
And I feel like there is a reason
Something I should realize
But I'm too oblivious
To notice anything anymore

I realized I don't need this life changing event
But I don't want this solitude and silence either
I simply want to share a peaceful adventure with someone else

High school, the best years of your life
I would love to know why
All I do is stress stress stress
Worry about the zeros in my class's
Procrastinating the project till the night before
Ruining my body in track and basketball
Talking sparingly to my friends at lunch
No more free time,
No more playing with outside,
No more anything
Time of my life?

The feeling of gritty dirt between your toes and under your finger nails
The sound of pine needles falling on the rain guard of your tent
I walk outside and the cool crisp morning air stings my nostrils
Nothing could wake me up better than the smell of wood smoke on a cold morning

It's early, so the sun hasn't touched the earth, and the sky is still soft
It's a deep blue, but not dark enough to be night, and you can see bright corners
Stretching from the east, but the towering trees make it hard to see
I slip a packet of tea into a mug of hot water and sit next to the fire

I stare at the pair of muddy hiking boots sitting next to a tall mountain pine
Where should I go today? What places shall I find?

So many people have lost their basic joy
There's this gloom that is the reset emotion

I want to be happy,
I am sometimes happy
I am happy when I'm outside,
I am happy when I'm watching bobs burgers
I am happy when I am listening to my music
but I haven't been myself lately
I haven't smiled genuinely much
I wear sweatshirts during hot weather,
And feel extremely uncomfortable without one
All the traumatic experiences are coming back
I feel like my parents are treating me different
Even though my dad hasn't,
I feel as if he's teetering on insanity,
but maybe I'm the one teetering
I feel like I'm scraping by in school,
I can't see my future anymore
But I still want to be cheerful and perky?
What's wrong with me?

I only wonder do you feel it when our eyes lock?

You somehow thought that you could use our friendship,
Our friendship I had given a lot up for,
To tell others, in essence, how I was wrapped around your finger
And if you like the feeling of someone following you around
I would suggest buying a puppy

I like keeping things in and away
But my eyes don't lie, and people can see

I'll stop the world and melt with you
You've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time

Heart racing
Eyes searching
Yours
Palms sweat
Legs weak
Faith testing
Yours

The tears never came this easily
And the future has never hurt
More than the past until now
I lay in my bed quite queasily
And the sky has never screamed
This loud

And my friend can’t see it inside me
She only sees the good and the pure
But there’s more I swear I swear
God there’s more. I’m sure.

You're crashing into me like waves on the coast
Every time we talk, you move in close
Wrecking ball dancing down the hallway
You're holding your shoes, wearing my shades
We fall against the door,
we fall into a wild warm kiss

"I love each and every one of yall immensely, and though I'll be gone you all will live forever in my heart"

Today a girl I knew was shot to death
Today another child died of starvation
Today another baby was aborted
Today a girl became anorexic
Today a boy was beaten by his parents
Today a teen took their life
Tomorrow their will be no violence
Tomorrow their will be no more judging
Tomorrow physical appearance doesn't matter
Tomorrow parents accept their children
Tomorrow...
But tomorrow never comes, it'll always be today.

When someone uses this word
It seems very funny  
But it's not funny.
Because this word is
Trying to define you
In one single derogatory
Word.
It's trying to wrap up
All of you're feelings
All of this hesitant love
And cram them into
One
Judgmental
**Word.

Yes dad I act like a boy
I guess acting like a lady
Felt a little too oppressed

The water laps against my waist
Deep in the water, eyes squint
Heat radiating off skin, and quiet

its fun to sketch your friends personalities
a demon and a movie camera for her
there's a shy smile and pair of kitten ears
or a constellation and and red hair
theres a guitar and Beatles baggy sweatshirt
or an american flag and hot guys
And then theres a complicated one
But mountains and chacos will have to do

Every single part of my body
Shakes vigorously with
Anger, sadness, depression
My hands tremble aggressively
And I put my shirt in my mouth
So he won't hear me scream
******* and what you did to us
And I lay half naked on the floor
Of my locked room sobbing violently
When is it too much to handle

When I'm sad I'll drive to the store
Except I won't go right to the store
I pass the houses with Christmas lights
Or the small shops of the old town
Where things are light with color
And when I see all the people,
I'm not so lonely anymore

"Hey wanna play a game like old times?"
*doesnt look up from her phone
"Mallory? Are you there?"
looks up, "huh? Wait what?"
The moment I begin to talk again,
Her eyes are consumed in the blue screen of 'her phone'
I shouldn't call it 'her phone'
Because the phone owns her.
Shut up and stop giving excuses like:
Oh I'm just catching up or,
Gotta get homework with friends or,
Hold up sec I promise...
I loved the excuse you gave today
"I'm just catching up with family"
What about ME?! Am I not your family?!
I'm your freaking sister!
But you sure as hell don't wanna catch up with me!
So.. How's your life been? All fine in group texts?
What about Instagram am I missing anything?
I'm so glad your perfectly content as if you have everything
As if all you need is in that slender rectangle of magic
Well you don't have one thing... ME!!!
I still want to play and hang out with you
I'm older. Normally that means I don't give a ****
Well not this big sis. I give one.
And everyday it pains me to see you sinking deeper
Into your hole of addiction. You it isn't. It is.
Even momma refers to you as a phone addict.
Your searching so desperately to find happiness in a screen
When all you need to do is look up at me staring right over you!
I've always waited patiently but now...
I think you aren't coming back to me.
The point is.. I Miss You.

Dear people in hard times:
I know your situation is unique
And there are people willing to listen
But the one person willing to listen,
Wanting to love you more than anyone else
Has appointments available anytime, day, or hour
So stop by and have a talk with Him
I forgot to mention He's omnipresent!
So you can talk to Him anytime
In bed, in school, anywhere!
And He's great for a talk or prayer,
Because all he wants is to be your friend
So take this wonderful opportunity
Talk to God today!
He will lift the burden off your shoulders
If you love and believe in Him,
You will get a free life-everlasting!
Don't miss this offer!
He definitely doesn't want you to

You know, by law, that is psychological ****** abuse right?
I know
You know that is a form of child abuse right?
*I know

I stopped taking care of myself
And that’s how I know

I want to fall in love, But that's too vague
I want to go to jazz clubs that are dark inside with neon lights and a tiny stage with swing music and cocktails and dancing
I want to dance but I want to dance with a man in a suit, and I in a dress that flows beautifully when I twirl
I want to walk the city at night and feel completely safe and hold hands without sweating too much
All of these things, but quite simply just **love

Dear God,
IF he won't be a good husband when we leave
Please please please
Let him hurt me
So then I'll know to tell someone
I don't mind God
I can take anything he throws at me
(Literally)
So if he won't be a good husband,
Please let this happen to me
I'll be the one to get her out and to get him help

When the plane seems like it's nosediving
And you can't gain control
When the future worries you
Because of the past
Just shrug and smile and know
That few as they are,
There are people that truly care

the problem is,
i know theres something wrong
i know by the way i go from trying everything at once
to dropping it all in sullen silence
i know by the way my voice shifts from high pitch
to a monotonous quiet drone
i know when i lay in my bed staring at the ceiling fan
i know by the way i draw, play, sing, and dance
to laying on my couch, not really watching the tv
and i know mostly when i pray
for God to make the dreary go away

Do you ever have that dream
When you kiss that guy?

Yeah me neither...

You shouldn't fall in love with me
Because in the beginning,
I'll be swaying back and forth
Won't be sure if the leap is worth it
And you'll be mad, that I'm wavering
You shouldn't fall in love with me
I'll want to go really really slow,
Like a turtles pace slow
And then I'll want to speed the hell up
And then go really really slow
And then, if for some reason,
You're still sticking around,
Then I'll become fully comfortable
Most likely

The sun hasn't shown in weeks
Warm, golden rays a distant memory
The sky, a thick soup of grey
A stale breeze stirs the empty earth
Eyes searching for a hint of color
Twisted, barren branches reaching up,
Begging for something a grey sky could never give
I stand with them yearning, grasping
But in the end, I too stand lifeless.

Everything in the air was toxic
The smoke consumed us all
Grey and green and black
My eyes barely open and my legs
Shaking, head completely cloudy
The smoke was even inside my mind
It swirled inside my brain and
Fogged up my vision as I inhaled
So much smoke
Everything in the air was toxic
Including your lips on mine for a second
Everything was grey too
The dim headlights on a gravel road
The trees were grey too, the sky
The poisonous exhaust in the beams of the headlights
The smoke coming from the four cigarettes on the ground and the smoke coming out of my mouth and yours
It was all toxic and it was all grey, and I don't regret doing it because I learned from it
In a way it was a poisonous kind of beautiful, that night
But the kind of poisonous that would **** you,
So I must not do it again

Maybe the reason I’m not stressed about the future is because I think I won’t have one
Or maybe It’ll all go away
That’d be great
If it all went away
I just want it
To all go away

Friend dates, winks, iffy texts
No doubt potential is everywhere
But I'm not chasing any of it
My energy is gone, and I've learned
To get over the fact no one will
Pick me up and hold me at this point
And I'm trying to make that okay
Maybe slowly it's starting to work?

Every single bit of drive
The dream that once propelled me forward
Working vigorously, trying to reach it
Thinking I could reach it
Now seems just that. A dream.
And I feel as though I've let down
Every single person I see
And the motivation is all gone,
Because what am I working for?
Please tell me, what am I working for
If he's right, then what am I doing
Shouldn't I give up
Shouldn't I stop
Shouldn't I just fill in the role
Of the dissappoinment
we all knew would happen

There are times when I think I am beautiful
But those times have never been in a bathing suit

In speech today we had to write about the perceptions of ourselves
I knew we would not read all of the,m out loud,
So I filled the list of words that described me
More than half were self hatful words, I've always thought of myself
Last night someone told me they cut themselves,
I hope they never do it again, because it's a terrible thing,
I would know because  I had cut myself right before her text
Seeing her text snapped me out of it, which made me hate myself even more
Why? People ask, do people cut themselves?
It is a pain to distract from the pain one is enduring at the moment
However, it is only temporary, leaving behind ugly scars
It's simple to do, especially with a pocket knife in your desk
I'm a terrible person

Two AM, curl in a ball
Knees to chest, thoughts invade
Memories, hate, pressure
Tears from the recent trauma
Inner pain, invisible to daylight
Day light, I tolerate myself
Night, the hate comes back
Grab the temporary, pain reliever
one cut
I'm stupid
two cut
I'm hideous
three cut
My grades are slipping
four cut
perfect for dad
five cut
dad
six cut
I'm a terrible friend
seven cut
I have no excuses
eight cut
I'm ugly
nine cut
Focus on the blade,
Not my trouble
ten cut
Repeat steps 1-10
Until I forget what was killing me
But remember,
There will always be a reminder
The scars on my wrists are gone
The scars on my thighs are new
The scars haven't  formed
On my stomach yet

I need someone who can look at a tree
And appreciate every leaf growing
I need someone who will take the time
To walk and look at the mountains
I need someone who focuses on happy
And searches for the color in things
I need someone who will dive in
And explore oceans of possibilities

A slight breeze
Tall soft grass
Sun shining
Birds chirping
Soft noise of
Tall grass rustling
Close your eyes
Only to open them
And see darkness
Hear your bedroom
Fan turning.
It was a dream...
******.

Hypocrites standing all around
The room is filled with pointless sound
Bodies minds emotions dead
Anything to stop my spinning head

Stripes lined your body
Blood poured out of You
Crown of Thorns
Whips of metal
Nails of steel
Pain beyond belief
I can't express my relief
You took my lashes
You took my cross
You Saved me. Savior.
Everytime I sin,
Is another lash on your back
Another slap on Your face
Another spit on your robe
You took it for me.
You loved me that much.
That. That is love without limits.

My New Years resolution is to stay alive
But we all know how those go

Why am I still up
It's 12:34 and I'm wide awake
I hate sleeping with silence
Background noise is a must
The box fan will do
Much better
I'm still hot. Great.
rolls over, pauses.. kicks sheet off
Why is this bed so hot?!
Okay situate the pillow
Cough a few more times.
Lay on my back
Look up at the glow in the dark
Hanging solar system
Peek behind window curtains,
Look for signs of rain
Nope. Well that's disappointing.
Close my eyes.
This isn't working,
plays sleepy playlist
Close your eyes
Sing the song in your head
That's better..

So I thought something
But now I'm starting to think
Was I wrong

It's pouring now, but dim
Eerie blue light on my walls
Hum of the fishtank reverberating
Fan is creaking simply slow
My quilt does nothing for cold
But serves to only protect me
I am lonely. I am lonely.

I'm afraid I'm like the ocean
Always moving, changing
Never to be held in ones hands

Maybe I'm not as strong as they say I am
Maybe I'm not as strong as I say I am