Okay let me spill my emotions on you for a second

I have been thinking a lot about you lately
Not even in a bad way
Or any way really I just am thinking
I wish that you injected me with poison
I wish you had turned my eyes black from the plack that caked your heart

I wish to be something entirely different than the images that flash through your brain when you type my name
This is the heaviest of sighs because I don't know what this is feeling like
I look at the night sky and my head spins
The stars turn to smear of bright light
I am chord less on the guitar of the life that you live

You are not what you eat unless you are eating me
Without the bottom of the barrel, there would be no top
Without the worst, how can you be the best

I am a centipede
Crawl under your skin until your itching to get me out
I can only see you in my dreams until I wake up and it gets turn away
I am sitting here with all my friends so I hope you're not well
Take that spell and give it to a person that gives you hell

Don't give it to a boy that wants to show you the world
You are a serpent from the ocean of hopelessness and liquor
Take that pen and stick it to her

I am not the enemy that you wish I was
I only gave you the love that you deserved
The fact that you didn't recognize it is on you
You lost my respect
You lost my friendship
You sold me out as a devil when I was born a saint

You've been fooling yourself into thinking it was better
Don't get me wrong I thought that too but lucky for me I've got people who will show me what true love is

I've been much better without you

This is a note to myself for when I am 5 years older and am not sure what I've been doing to get here

In a few days I will graduate from a school that taught me much more than just technical skills
In a few months I will be an adult
Life has already taught me so much
I have come to learn that the people that you thought would be around forever up and leave you in the dirt
They will tell you that you are pretty then stomp on your headstone

I want you to know that this is not an ode to you
More of a **** from me to you
I am glad that you are leaving this all behind
I am sick of faking it because that's the easier route
I want to be genuine but you make it hard to give the time

I will try to keep this short and sweet as of not to bore you
But I am sorry if I continue to ramble on
A lot of moments in my life have led to where I am today and I wasn't really sure what to think when I looked back on everything
Was I happy or was I just saying that it would get better because I didn't want the feelings of pain swarm my brain

The moment that you look back in 5 years when you have a family and maybe even a dog
Think of me
Miss me
I am what you thought was not worth your time
Regret it
Resent it
Much like the alcohol that you struggle to swallow down I come with a punch

I am sorry that this is may not be what you wanted as a goodbye
But it is the only thing that I could give you at the moment
This is the time of your life
Enjoy it but always remember
Life is a party and I am the host

0
Here I am scribbling more notes
That I will never ever ever ever let you see
But yet here I am showing you guys
I am terrified of what's to come, okay?
I am not happy with myself
I want to get my license so that I can drive off the bridge that I crossed every Sunday on the way to church
I  am cursed but with a blessing
I miss the fact that you are happy with life
I miss the parties at your dads house
I miss the people that I cared so much about
I miss feeling like I was worth just a morsel of your time
90
They say This is the best time of your life
So tell me why I feel at my worst
18 has got to be my year
If it's not I swear I'll do nothing with anything
I am the war field that our grandparents killed each other on
I am cold down to my shaky bones
But I still have the heat of the cigarette I lit
I have the warmth of a beating heart no matter how many times that it will break
There is a purpose to being broken
To some you'll seem worthless
But to the golden ones you are a point
I am not the person that is the star basketball player
I am not the smartest person ever
180
I am the person that will hold you deep into the night
I am the person that will buy you flowers and brush dirt over your grave
Don't worry that I will miss you when you are gone
I am not a teenager that isn't racing for the fences
I am climbing bridges and scaring my friends
The only moment that really matters is the day of your death
You will truly know who shows you what you mean
If you don't understand what I just said
Think about it
Lay in your bed at night and think
270
When it comes to you text all of your friends
Tell them that you love them
That they are the only thing that matters
Without them you wouldn't be here
Without there support you cannot push through one more day
You will live on
You are a flower that is growing more and more everyday
The sun is shining bright and the wind is blowing
Take a deep breath and hit the ground
360
The light is not your home

Day to day
Is the same old same old
You never do anything different
You wake up and work the same 9 to 5 job
You come home to the same dark apartment

What could have happened
If you had kissed that other girl back in high school
Instead of driving home with no one beside you
Would you be alone in your bed again tonight

There is not one single path
One filled with destiny
The others are just mere chances
If you get the golden road your lucky
If you stumble onto the black one you die
This is not fate

I believe with everything that I have
Everyday is a missed opportunity for something
A new pet, a new phone, a new friendship
But instead you settle for the same old same old

With crusty eyes and sore knees
You through yourself into your work
That was all you knew
Who needed happiness when you had money
But what happens 20 years later when you're on your death bed
No one is coming to see you
It's just the same old same old
The same old same old

I have been slacking on writing
I've been letting the words fall out of my mouth
Mumbles and concerns
The moment that I let go off the rope, I will fall to my knees
The crack of my spinal cord falls closely behind
I need to feel the water drip off my transparent skin

I promise this was not your doing
More of my undoing on behalf of my fighting parents
The constant gnawing at my skin to see the red river flow
I am the kid who was riding his bike down the street at 12 am because my parents were fighting again

I'm going to the river
I'm going to jump in and drip away
I miss the smiling faces of my grandparents
The smell of the garden in the summer dew
I am breaking my bones so that I can crumble into the ground

Don't let yourself sleep in
This is not motivation
This is an expression
Without the river, we would be the drought

I am the worst nightmare
Something you don't want to see in your dreams
The taste of blood gets me exciting
I am the worst baby, I swear

Come on, Come all
Lets see a show
Full of misfits, big and small
I've got a secret
Oh, something you've just got to know

We'll all join hands and spin
This is all just for fun
Come along with me
Nighttime is all that you will see
We come alive when you say goodbye to the sun

You're a fun-house
I'm a freak
Can't I just play with your bones
Unbutton your blouse
And play in the sheets

There will be bright lights and deaf noise
This is a paradise that I desire
A place with no such thing as restrictions
You can now play with all of the toys

COME AND SEE

I must be talking about only one thing
Something that is by no means, heavensent
I am sick
I am aroused with excitement
This is the death of you and me

This is the crusty eye feeling when you first wake up
This is the summer time heat in the dead of the night
The kitchen light underneath your bedroom door when you're too scared to sleep
That "diamond" ring you got out of the 50 cent machine at the convenience store
The old veterans hat that you wore until you were 11 because you thought you were making a difference
The stinging feeling of getting your ears pierced by your best friend
This is the history books that bore you to death during class

This is not
I repeat not
About that pain you feel when you think of how many people die because suicide every ten minutes
This is not the spider weaving a home in the corner of your ceiling
This is not the uneasy feeling after a nap that was a little bit too long
The glass that ripped up your arms when you were in a head on collision at 17
The corner of cook and 12th street where you had your first kiss
The scared feeling of telling your parents you like the same gender as your own
The punches from that bully who takes your lunch money every morning

Sometimes I feel prehistoric
All of these memories that I will soon forget
Much like the mammoths did when they froze over