I’m not sure where I am.
Its all confusing,
So much is getting out of hand.
My thoughts , My feelings
My choices & Wants.
The actions I’ve taken  
Are Not connecting
Everything’s mixed up .

My minds in circles .
Its spinning
So so very fast .
Tugging from good to bad.
I feel so odd
Things feel so off .
I can’t make sense of
what’s going on.

Something is wrong .
though another thing is Trying to push me away from Seeing it

So where are the drugs ?
I’ve been Running long .
marathons where no matter how fast I runned? how much Effort I put in ? For none of it to ever be seen. Wether I gave my all & pushed further to doing Better than my best?
I exceeded my strength & held strong for occasions that would have been real reasons to
drop it all.

So where are the drugs?
It doesn’t matter anymore .
Drug addiction is not happiness.
Some don’t believe it’s a disease?
That’s a shame..
No dope fein is happy
No drug addict loves there habit.
Once Addicted , all feelings are changed. Your high is far different from that other person who’s consuming for the party.
To enjoy & Have fun.
Addicts are miserable.

Where are the drugs ?
My struggle is always Twisted around. I’m always doubted.
Always looked at wrong .
My savior ended up being my destroyer.
Left me 4 dead a thousand times .
Why so many ?
I should have been left huh?
I loved him .
Loved .

Prt1

I’ve let the whispers
Of the demons in my head
Turn into comforting melodies
Turn into irresistible desires
They tell me how good
The sin could make me feel
Convince me of solutions
That shouldn’t be options
I let them taunt me
Twist my thoughts around
But in a moment
I am reminded who the enemy is
The demons are not on my side
No matter what they try to offer
Even when the temptation
Sounds exquisite
I have to muster the strength
To fight for my life

Look at me.
Dead in my eyes .
Can you see I’m ready to die?
How many times
Must I repeat
I hate my self
Hate my life
I’m ready.
Grim reaper
Please come take me.

All I Want is to Succeed.
Not in my education
In building a career
Owning a car & living in rich hills.
All I Want is to succeed .
My Plans for the future
Are not Living lavishly
But to succeed
In Overcoming my fears.
Stepping out of depression
Stepping out of my addiction
Stepping out of my relationship .
I want to succeed to move on
From the past. & my present .
That is my goal
To move on from unhappiness
To leave it all.
Start fresh With nothing that will press me down .
I love sleeping now
To dream of a life
That can’t happen now
The one I love
Just won’t be the one
I thought I’d live long with .
It hurts , but I’ve been hurt .
Tears have runned down
More frequently.
I’m tired
Of constantly hating
I want to be restarted
Refreshed
I want to get away from my pain
That’s roaming in my veins
The Hurt he’s caused
The memories he’s Scarred
I want a new life style

Same Broken Record
It's playing all day long
I'm singing & talking about the same ****** song.
How It hates life
Drugs are the only thing right
The cure to her diease was love
Sadly it ended up being with the wrong one.
It killed her
Not even a substance will make her feel Gone
Only reality, a slit to the wrist
Zone off From the deep cut
A slow sleep
Finally

Don’t fall for it .
Stay strong.
There’s other ways around this.
Permanent solutions
Ones that won’t cause harm.
Just time & patience.

Don’t do it.
Push through it!
Fight the urge !
It’s not with it.
A temporary choice
That will Bring more devastation.
Another problem thrown
To the pile of Unresolved ones.

Stay strong !
Hold on !
Yes, it’s hard love.
But What do you prefer?
Sobriety, zor A never ending
Drug run

I'm going to lose my life.
She's going To end it For me.
I'm Scared Now, what am I supposed to do?
I can't Run, She always finds me.
I'm Alone now.
Feeling Lonely And Hopeless.
That's what she feeds on
She leached on to me.

My Heart is broke,
I glued the pieces back together.
Then it happened again,
Once more I glue the fallen pieces.

My love
still goes on for him.
No matter his destruction.

His wrongs stay unspoken.
My bucket filled of tears
is always left unnoticed.

No matter the storm
I hang on tight.
Made a commitment
To loving him long .

It’s hard.
Balancing out the lows
Leveling out the highs.
puzzling everything
To make all his
Broken promises
Appear right.

It’s been a journey ,
A troubled trail
Interfered Within my own life.
It’s been chaotic,

Seeing where I’m
Stepping now ?
Has me empty handed.
Putting all my time
& energy into this
Tornado I call love ..

I’m sorry
I couldn’t Stay dedicated.
Couldn’t get off drugs completely.
I’m sorry
My Drug use impacted
My present with you.
That I couldn’t manage to Keep my problem just to myself.

Knowing What I became
Brings a lot of disgust to your face.
The last thing you ever imagined..
Was to end up with a druggie.
I’m sorry
You were cursed & Brought the opposite of what you desired.
I know I’m far off
Your Type & what your
attracted to.
Im so sorry.

I feel bad because
You never made yourself aware.
I wish to go back in time
& Explain to you What Being an addict was & How difficult I’d become Once I’d get sober.
How my mind won’t function accordingly, how much of a mess I turned into.
I wish to go back & Explain well to where you’d back off me.
You never Expected
That my problem was really going to be a big deal ..

I know You wish to have
Been Inlove with a previous girl.
I know you’d wish
Your 1st love turned out to be
The one you’d marry.
I’m so sorry you ended up
With A terrible downgrade.

I’m deeply sorry
For not being stronger.
I held strong Through all your insults & Hurtful things
You’d tell me,
I held strong when I
was just your toy
Being told
“we will never be anything”
I held strong through all the rain & thunder you put me through before we got together.

I assumed
Being your girlfriend
Would change Everything.
We’d start fresh & be
happily Inlove.

That’d I’d be able to let go
Of all the hurt & move on
Having a strong loving
bond with you.

We Then Got Together
I even committed to
forever leave drugs.
Because I was serious on making us work & leaving behind all things that Made us impossible.
A new chapter
Filled with smiles & laughter
A fresh start.

So I had thought.
Little Had I known
Getting together
Wasn’t the answer to
Anything.

I love being high on ****
It doesn’t make me feel Great.
It doesn’t bring me happiness
It doesn’t make me smile & laugh
I don’t feel good on this drug.


I love being on one.
Because I don’t feel , I’m numb.
I love That I View life Differently.
My insecurities Go Away.
My appearance doesn’t matter
I walk happily.
I love that I don’t think about my sadness. I forget about all the sad **** that goes through my head.
I love that I don’t care about not having any accomplishments, I Don’t drive & Havnt graduated.


I love being high on this.
My relationship is Amazing.
I can be next to my lover & completely forget all the heartbreaks.
Everything ****** up I dealt with.

It does not make me feel
Happiness.
I feel happy that I don’t care about the reality of my life when I’m on .

I'm Down
Lowering To the ground
With every minute that passes
I'm Caring less
Depression is manifesting
Addiction is controlling
I'm not wanting
These bad feelings are pouring
Bones are aching I feel so weak
I Don't Want, I feel I have too
I warned myself, where's my brain? The mentality of Wanting to change ? My hope? My strength?
Why don't I feel like changing anymore. I'm not afraid to lose Nomore
I'm feining now.. for tweak
IM sorry, I warned Me
I knew this would happen
I have already forgotten
I'm ok now, with being a Drug Addict ...
I lost my ways within 2 weeks
All because my heart broke
I lost my hope
It can't be

Stay strong, Hold on .
You don’t need it !
Deal & Reslove
Don’t choose the hit.
You’ve been down that road
Enough times to know
It’s never worked
Why are you hesitating ?
The answer is no !
Don’t let your tears
Get ahold & ruin the great number
of sobriety days you worked hard for.

Recovery is rough
life after addiction is tough.
Its All worth the huffs & puffs
from holding back & not give up.
You Can Do It.

Yoi will be happy,
Life clean is pure beauty

I’m scared .
To lose my strength.
Have no durability.
To Give in So quick.
Be that weak
Where I don’t fear Tweak.
Find it easy
To just go seek.

I’m Worried
To reach that level .
Just Relapse constantly .
not care who Knows.
My problems
Have me overwhelmed.
Every day
The Stress grows .
I can’t bare another
Tug & Pull.

Minds spinning
Mouth can’t say nothing.
Heads flooded
I can’t type anything .

He’s On His way.
He is My cab.
The devils rushing
To take me back.
The darkness loves me.
Showed me plenty of times.
You are replaceable, when it comes to my baby love.
The devils rushing
He really wants me.
I’m his favorite
He says I have so much potential
With crimes and Risks
He loves the effort I take for a Hit
This Time will be different.
If he reaches me Before you Save me.
I will turn to the needle.
So I can really feel lit

The Day Ends
Like all others.
We Go back to normal lovers.
Forgetting the insults
thrown At eachother .
Not this time .
I Havnt forgotten.
My feelings still flow the same.
Sickened & saddened.
I need to Leave .

It’s been clear for years
There’s no happiness here for me.

Numbs my tears
Sadness disappeared.
This soft Powder
Makes all real
Not reveal .

Numbs
in every way.
feel no Emotions
No physical pain.

Love this
Smooth soft *******

I’m just crying
Cry crying & crying
I can’t write nothing
I’m broken down
I’m crying
Crying because I don’t know what els to do

I’m moving on
I feel many rocks slowly
Lifting off.
I’m feeling a lil sense of happiness.
I used to think it was ****** up for me to say & feel this way .
It’s actually not.
I’m unhappy
All I do is hurt & cry heavily .
I shouldn’t care
If he reflects sadness on me.
Making me feel like the bad guy.
Always faulting and blaming me.
I shouldn’t care for his loneliness .
I shouldn’t stay anymore .
I’m tired of satisfying him
For him to **** me over again.
This is ok for me to feel.
It’s ok for me to want to leave
& say bye bye dear.
All I do is cry and hate myself.
I’m happy I’m finally coming to an agreement within myself.
Letting go

Why do I go back.
Obsess over a sack.
Why must I Go back.
Relapse on Pieces Of Glass.
It’s a Shame That I lure in.
I hate, but I can’t leave it alone .
I don’t want it , yet I’m out finding .
Please hold me.
I’m Scared, Stay please.
Pray for my sanity.
I’m far from perfect, that’s certain.
I have no hope, I want to find it.
Before it’s to late.
When Tweaks In me
I see things differently.
I’m not myself, I’m nobody
When crystal reaches my blood stream , all I see are reasons to keep on using.
When I think of sadness
I crave a fix.
I fein To not have feelings towards it
In my real mind.
I scream & cry.
I yell till my lungs tear out.
I shout for savor
A miracle to change me.
A geni To grant me a wish
The serenity to Help me reach the end of my disease

Midnight
The Time When it's best.
Interacting With The devil.
Releasing All My Stress.
Smoking & Lines
I'm tired of this life
Lien about recovery,
I want to stay high.
I Reached That Level
Where I should stay like this forever. Sobriety Always has me under weathers.
Being on keeps me
Away from all wrong.

Don't hate Me, Don't blame Me.
Please Don't Make me Feel Worse.
Don't tell me I'll never change.
Don't Assum I want to Continue being a drug addict.
Don't believe drugs are my only happiness and it's all I care about.
Don't leave me
Thinking It's drugs I prefer.
I Want To be Sober.
It's Just Really hard For Me To forget The Power Drugs Provide.
Easy Numbness And Cures all My misery and sadness.
It's hard For a Drug addict to Just Forget and Quit something That gives You An easy solution to Bad days.
Would You Stop Doing Something That makes You feel Better?

Thats it.
Enough of the tears & ****.
I’ve Seen enough.
He’s put me through
too ****** much.
It’s Clear He
DOESNT VALUE ME at all!
He NEVER Changes
He will NEVER CHANGE
I’ve given him 5 years
To Still Be put through ******* every month ?
I can’t change him.
So it’s Time for me to change.
Showing him love has done nothing But hurt me.
I’ve done everything
& I’m still faulted for **** ?!
Im Innocent & Nothing will change him from doubting it ?
Im tired of Being  accused
No matter what I do
He’ll only believe if he wants Too.

This is the year.
That will determine my fate.
Either I get it together
Or
Await a death date.
It’s been too long.
To still debate
Strive for heaven
Or
Hells gates.
No more chances .
Acceptions or excuses.
I know all consecuences

I told you
        To stop me.
I confessed
                     So you can help me.
A truth
           I never admit

“ I always tell the truth unless it’s about my drug abuse”
“Il never confess to relapse”

“Till death do us part”
Getting High
Of methamphetamine
Till my casket drops.
There was no end
No future
No “one Day il Stop”
I gave my fate to it.
My destiny
Goals
Everything
Was inhaled & exhaled
In dope clouds .
I seen no other side
I’ve forgotten about reality
I was stuck in a day dream.

I Gave you
                The opportunity
                        To be in my life.
I held you responsible
to change me.


I accepted rehab
I Allowed Myself To See there’s life aside from twisting the pipe.
Gave myself the opportunity
To make a change .
It was you.
Who finally made me see clearity.


I improved slowly
Relapsed occurred
They weren’t anything major
I got myself back on
Sobriety road.

After many years
Of being stuck
Saying il stop
Till I die
You helped me see Different.
&
After
many years Of denying.
Years of hiding
Of using in silence .
I SPOKE up.

You saved me..
                    To **** me your self .

You damaged me 10x more
Than **** did it’s self .
You became my new
Deadly addiction.

I’m Down.
Il take all the risks now.
Lose that love For A Pound.
I’m tired of All this ****.
Back & fourth Arguing  
non stop B.s
I’m Really For it now.
I can’t take this useless life of mine
Doing nothing but wasting time.
**** it **** it
Yeah I’m All for it.
Take The risks that dope life brings
I’ve had enough
I hate sobriety
Dope love Baby , come save me
Oh your mad?
I don’t give a ****
I feel no pitty when I’m on
**** your feelings cause Il be gone
Had 6 years To Show me What you promised. Instead you constantly failed Me and showed Me Your just so ****** disloyal & Not Honest!
Rehab Can’t cure me.
Il turn to the razor.
It’s not Drugs I want
It now death i crave

Hey, I'm Back Again.
I'm Sober... Off My Main Substance. I haven't seen my doctor Since "October" 2016

Tired of the *******.
**** it I ain’t About to
deal with ****.
Yeah like that
1 line , 1 Puf, 1 shot
Im aight.
**** the ***** who played me.
Tf am I still caring ?
His feelings ? Nah **** them!
He never cared about me.
I’m still poisoning my body to forget the pain he gave me ?
To get High even more to hold back from telling him to protect his feelings?
I’m tired of being blamed !
Ive been nothing but good to him!
I’m a ***** now because I stand up for myself.

I don’t have to deal with ****.
He’s mad I relapsed?
Complains I Trip to much.
Talks me down for all my wrongs .
Makes me feel
hopeless & worthless
Thinking I’m a real ***** & treat him wrong .?
Wants *** but never gives me to true love?
Takes me for granted!
Takes advantage!

**** ALL THAT
YUP
JUST LIKE THAT
Some rocks & Its Gone.
Oh he’s mad ?
Oh he’s Showing anger?
Oh he’s Really feeling some type of way but never cares about
my feelings ?

Rack up shoot up smoke up
**** , I no longer give a ****.
The more I use ?
The less il fuse over anything that has to do with you.
I won’t give a **** about you anymore!!!
Wanna cheat? **** a ***** ?
Go for it darling ,
Il just tweak.

.

Find it gross that I've abused drugs? I find it disgusting That you play with girls hearts.
I don't care if it's a turn off.
I'm not trying to impress anyone but make my own self feel better.
In A Stage where all
Bad Doesn't exist
My life is all rotten so I feel nothing.
Which is good
Nobody wants me anyways.
I have no life , body or Pretty.

I’ve been holding strong.
Fighting all the triggers.
Coping with holding
back the urges.
I’m proud of myself.
For being able to move forward.
I’m finally on the
road of recovery.
Putting in all my Effort to over come this .
It’s All good Now ,
I’m glad I don’t have to walk around with all that weight of being careful & looking out.
All the Weight of What
addiction brings .
Finally, A new beginning.
First thing off My Life list
Is Everything that involves drugs.
I no longer want to be in conversations , settings , reminders etc That involve Substances.
(:

I Love You, but Im Sorry.
For Failing on Myself And Dissapointing You.
After 2yrs of being sober,
I Relapsed again.
I Couldn't Help it. I Had To Use.
Temptation Was Strong And I Didn't try fighting it this time.
I Didn't See A Point In Staying Sober. I'm miserable Either way.
We are always arguing.
You Are always Making me feel sad and hurt my feelings.
I'm Tired Of Being a fool And forgiving You. When You don't even deserve to be forgiven.
You Don't Treat me fair And don't show me real love and Affection.
Always at your convenience.
I have Always been Good to you.
Honest , Loyal , trustworthy.
I Don't deserve to be treated less.
I Wanted To Use.
To not feel The way I Do Anymore.
To Forget all The ****** up **** you done to me and feel  Numb.
Please Don't hate me.
I Hope You understand.

I'm letting You know now.
I'm Losing my strength.
I'm losing my will And Power To stay strong and remain sober.
I feel like I can't Do it anymore.
I just want to go back to my old ways. I Want To feel numb and not ever feel any type of hurt again.
Why Do drugs have to be dangerous.

You let her slip away.
Dark roads only appear ahead.
You loved her enough
To see her let go & walk off.
Knowing the road she was currently on.

you raged when she used.
Never did you do anything to prevent another fall.
You Wanted her to see the
world different.
Never did you show her something other than
betrayal scenarios .

She expected only
Love honesty & respect.
From you.
You excepted
Changed slang , New personality
Different style
From her.

All she wanted was to be loved
You you wanted was to be loved and have all the freedom you want