it rains hard
the barren heart
it starts to flood
house of darts

You seem like Jesus
Are you Jesus? But no ---
You call Him with another name

Your eyes look like Jesus'
Are those His? But no ---
I've never seen His nor yours anyway

Where do you hide
on my nightmares? I fear
your absence, I never could make you up
inside my head!
Fading voice, dim heartbeat,
smooth, smooth surface of skin
An acne on my chin reminds me
you were once also a teen


Bloodfall
A trace of betrayal appears on your stomach

Your tongue and hands make miracle
I think you may well be Jesus
I saw it on the bible
But no ---

Home is far away in the future that is for me like the heart-throbbing, very-first gamble and between the most extreme and the exact opposite side. Either way I find it intriguing but at the same time I want to stay at the same time. I, I want to... stay.

I'm not saying where I struggle now is the most beautiful and pleasurable and that's why I don't want to move, although I also am not saying that it is so painfully ugly it may fit me rather perfectly. Uh-oh, none of it matters, actually.

I just shall never leave. I mean, I'm dead from now on. I am preserved nicely in a body that will grow when I swell, that will shrink when it is running out of me. And there will come a time when skin kisses bones, my, my, lovely are my bones!
Oh!


I'm fine like this. I think I'm fine like this.

Sparkle, sparkle, little sparks around your body. You are
an angel. You are beaming and floating in the air.
Aren't you tired, not living but also not dying? You
have no flesh, skeleton is not your thing.
What is your favorite meal
for breakfast? How do you like your  morning coffee?
Do you play chess? What is your favorite TV show? What do you do when
it's the commercial break?
You don't even get to taste
your own tongue. You are doing
all the chores while
God has all  the
fun. Come to the ground. Come, come here.
Come down here. I can give you
the world. I can give you
my tongue.
I can give up this flesh.

pull me quite, don't be polite
rest me on your palms, deathbed,
a plate that is also a mouth
your tongue my waterslide
i want to melt into your core

if i had died last night,
would you blame me for an entire day
and the next day pretend i hadn't had existed at all?
that's what usually would be happening,
so when i die i try to live,
when i died i swear i tried to live.

my body is stronger than the ocean,
healthier than hospitals.
i've never felt safe in a hospital.
that building reeks of regret and i
spent my childhood breathing in its air.
you know, everything
that makes me want to die is learned.
school didn't teach me how to unlearn,

i taught myself to drown and dad me to swim.
he doesn't know swimming is a scar.
i, too, didn't
until i remember the sisters,
the classroom,
everything strange remains strange for me.
i ******* want to fit in.
don't tell me to stand out, i don't even
stand out oh god i'm ******* outcasted.

i do not fit in,
either too large or too small
i'm just a weird piece, i
can't complete your puzzle ******* i'm so sorry

i didn't mean that.
i have shoes glued to the ground.
i'd have to speak softly to them,
you are the ones that keep my feet on the ground!
but my feet know the truth,
my feet have known everything true since
the first time they were dipped
in the kindergarten pool.
i ******* want to fit in.
can you tell?
i, like this, want to ******* fit in?

ok i'm sorry i didn't mean that.
i didn't die last night and case closed.

I am happy that you exist
though i am not that i do

Your stomach is real, I can feel it,
More than the womb, through
The first petal I ever adore,

Your rosey skin
In a burn, moonlight-glazed,
Silvery, beautiful.

Your blinking pores, angelic,
No one breathes, I
Know it from the very beginning.

Heavenly and emotionless,
A useless throat,
Ungrateful neck,

Cracking voice and weak whistle,
Childlikely broken.
Your stomach is real, I

Know it from the very beginning,
Dry and sour, clever and hygienic,
Scentless and free,

Beautiful.

I need a good cry but
you don't want to see me cry.
You never understand what it is to cry.

The social world, the so-called maturity,
I don't know, if I learn to pretend,
would I still be able to be sincere?

The first time i touch a boy i got a scar on my left hand and it stays there like a pale exclamation mark for about 13 years until now and i don't think it would fade or go like him after he got me bleeding and i wiped it with my white skirt and mother asked me i don't know i don't know i don't know
I used to be afraid of mother she once appeared as a monster in my dream she was so many she was so scary i could not even tell her that i was having a terrible fever i was afraid of her i swear i was
Sweating since the time i was born and it often makes me remember mother but she won't talk to me she won't talk to me any more i cannot talk to her she does not want to hear me she does not want to listen to my voice because
I remind her of her own self
That now she is trying to abandon
Knives in her stomach and my left hand is a dancer's hand i know it hurts, i know it hurts, mother
So when you bark i know you won't bite
And when you cry i'll run and pretend you aren't important to me and i will burn my airplane tickets and i won't go home i won't go home i won't go home
I wanna stay here forever
I wanna stay here forever
It's a pretty long time
I cannot stand long time
When i think of long time i think of hospital and there were you and i there were a lot of you and i and it's not only blood and cries but medicines and mri and needles oh
I cannot stand long time
Doctor, we won't come to you
We run out of time, and money, we cannot pay the taxi anymore
And when father says he will do anything
He lies

And i will not hand you a rope, mother,
Your hands are the rope
And mine are the ceiling.

I don't want to hurt --
did it too much already;
to you and myself.

a cup of hot tea
smells of jelly
pain on fingers
all i could think is bones
how my bones
and the sand
will be one
without said promise
it's enough like this
and how my bones
and the fishes
will talk to each other
how good the weather is
how salty the water is
oh, my bones will become
salted bones
glad there's no dog
down there

dive, dive
sink and drown
fill yourself with me, says sea,
feel me become ugly
embrace the agony
it's me, it's me

welcome home, says sand

it becomes warm

if your body is a home
who would make it a hotel room
look at you and think:
cheap enough. pretty clean
sleep on you and think:
tomorrow i'm leaving
if your body is a home
who would make it a playground
come to you to play,
get tired and think:
fun enough, but it's getting dark
i gotta go
if your body is a home
once lively, with a garden of blooming flowers and home-cooked meals
who would make it a haunted house
who would cut the power at night
who would make it a ****** scene
if your body is a home
who would make it impossible to live in

I am my own cry
and jealousy in a box
sent to grandmother.

Forcing to bleed the words
My empty veins
I wish I were more fire than the last time I took myself to the space where elephants were singing sweet summery songs and
Do you know what time is it? My watch is broken and I don't want to know how to fix it and even if I want to I would never fix it because it has the right to be broken and I respect it and the tub is full of filth I really want to bathe in it. I wish ending a sentence were easier than ending a life, but, really, there is no such thing as easy as
No, I will never say that there is no such thing as easy as loving you because I no longer do. I no longer do. I no longer do.
My brother said that I had to learn to lie, or else I would not survive in this society. He did not know that I lied a lot but this might be a lie. I just want a fever so high, a fever so high my face turns blue. I always adore the blue fire, it seems perfect. Yes. Perfect is the right word. I don't know what you were expecting when you started reading this, but whatever it was, I would disappoint you for sure. But please just keep reading. Just keep breathing here. Leave a breath, a spit is better. Do not blink when I say I love you. Because it would be a
I left the cravings and the longings at home, but the home keeps following me and it keeps following me even though I run and run and run but I always finish last among turtles. I remember I had a small turtle and I killed it. It was killed not by my hand but by its own hand but it was me who killed it. Just like the heart that is long forgotten, the dust is now one meter thick, nothing works anymore, have a nice trash bin! Zero glass is enough. I ***** as much as I breathe and that's why sunflowers are yellow and daisies don't grow on your head but dried forget me nots keep blooming and blooming and blooming and the world explode in the divinity of your love to her but this might be also a lie.
Red hibiscus and the pink ones I saw every afternoon on my way to the bus stop. I wanted to live at the chapel where I cried two times, first was forgotten and second also was, as if the rain would give you more hope, more hope, the more I hope I could just forget you.
I don't know who you are.
I am going to continue this as long as the brown of the wood stays as itself but no this is from another poem and I dont want to remember anything anymore I dont want to finish this I dont even want to start this and when you look for punctuation you end like how your mother would **** herself on your wedding day oh no that would not happen because

please
invite me
to the nearest
public bathroom
where it smells like
when you put your hand
on my right cheek
and we
kissed
and kissed
and kissed
with our mcdonald's
tongues

boy you were
literally
everything i
needed

i could go on
forever
until you made
vomitting sound
which i
didn't

it was dawn
we were warm
you left me
but you were the one
who cried

The air around me
changed; I breathe new air; I have
a brand new sweet lungs!

A year, it's been a year.

I promised I would not **** ants
anymore but I just killed them yet again.
My fingers smell like insects and

ammonia in bathroom.
It's just that I haven't died in such

a long time,
daisy, promise me that you will

write about me
on a public bathroom wall
with your wife's grape lipstick.
Buy her one, she would not want to use

the blood-red-from-my-vessels one, but please
tell her
to use the baby cologne I

can buy at the minimarket.

i am healthy
i am happy
i am full of energy
so strong
like a ship
and the storms that come to me
are just like slight wind
nothing can wreck me
and i believe
i am beautiful
no matter what they say to me
i am the butterfly, i am the phoenix, i am the sky
i am the universe
you all live inside me
i am unique
i am irreplaceable
such a gem i am
so special
i shine bright
my smile is sunshine
my eyes have moonlight
my heart is a home for everyone
my soul is sea tides
my brain hates ignorance
i am witty
and so funny
i am now telling
the joke of the day
not yet finished
all audiences gone
they do not understand
this is the real comedy
really, i really have no sense
of others' sense of humor

out of breath
the organs are
dislocated
nose so flat everything's
restricted
chlorophylls cheer, are proud
of my lungs, these poor
balloons
careful not to bump into
my ribs, unseen
because of
fat

Tris

Unconsciously
The name
That
Tris


Let me remember you
At times I don't want to the most


Clearly
The blurry image of
Parking lot
Motorcycles and cigarettes
Dim light
I saw a star or two or three or
Four


Let me remember you
At times I don't want to the most


Poetry reading
The emotions, the voice, oh, tempo
The tap of the right foot
The wide smile that supposed to hurt
Disability in the arts
Cry it out! Cry it out!

She cried on the train
And had an old man told her
It will be okay
O, how jealous I am

I had to wander on the blurry forest
Of motorcycles and cigarettes
With dim light and foreign faces
I couldn't not care about how I looked
But
Blank mind --- Hollowed self ---
I have had the soul fly to search for you
A minute was enough and a part of me died
She saw the tears and the halved smile
And she completed it
With or without
What could it do for good?


Let me remember you
At times I don't want to the most


Do you remember that song?
You said it was my favorite which
I couldn't sleep without listening to it ---

That evening I wanted to
Be in your eyes


And this theatrical pain
Is killing me
Slaughtering me like a goat


O, those special effects! Brava!

All smiles are rotten now.
Were it only broken, we could save them.
The barren faces, they do no justice.

Confused souls entail confused bodies.
Wicked brains, are they just lazy?
Were they, imbalances would be irrelevant.

Shocking made up stories, unless we tell you the truth.
Just some false memories we strongly believe.
Grosser than anything else.

It's so common, rejection and abandonment.
Bravely we hide the words from voices.
Courageous children in adult form.

When you think your grandma is now at heaven,
do you wish you were a star?
I mean, how come someone doesn't wish they were a star?

When you think your mother still misses your dead father,
do you wish you were a star?
Do you wish you would keep shining even if you exploded?

When you think of your girlfriend who is now married,
do you wish you were a star?
Do you wish you were now dead? Do you? Do you?

When I speak clear
I am boring (and awkward)
(Not that when I don't I am not)
I hate these feelings
(Not that these really are feelings)
Isn't this circle too tiny?
I am back to that phase again
The words left me with none
(Yeah, you may say these are words
But these aren't really really words)
----
Each word has a soul;
I think I just killed them yet
Again

i will walk through your door and play it cool
i will tell you i'm hurting but you can't find where
i will cry, but words fail to explain

i swear i want to say something but shame prevents me

i will walk through your door, through mine
i will lock myself up so no one can touch me ever again
i will let shame smother me and it's alright because no one will see or hear

i want to be witnessed, at least they'll see how hard i try

i am dying here, all i let out is a cry for help
it's painful and i don't know what is wrong with me
i know something is broken within but sure it's beyond any fix

when you say i don't need you should've said you can't help me

say something but shame prevents
i want to say something but shame prevents me

THE LETTERS ARE MY BREATH I CANNOT CATCH, I WAS KILLED IN MY HOMETOWN AND IT MIGHT BE ANOTHER TOWN OF CATS I RAN AWAY FROM. I HATE TRAINS. I HATE WHAT I CANNOT TOUCH. FLICKERING. FLICKERING AND SCATTERED. WE ARE ALL SACRED IN THE NAME OF EARTH. BUT EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT. EVERYTHING IS SCATTERING AND FLICKERED. UNLESS YOU.
YOU SHOOK ME LIKE NO ONE ELSE.
YOU SHOOK ME LIKE NO ONE ELSE IT'S ALMOST LIKE A LULLABY. ARE YOU MY FATHER? ARE YOU MY FATHER BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN LONG BEFORE I EXIST? ARE YOU MY FATHER BECAUSE EVEN YOU ARE YOUR OWN FATHER? TAKE CARE OF ME. PLEASE. TAKE CARE OF ME AND TALK TO ME AS IF YOUR TONGUE IS A BOWL OF MILK.

id rather have they caught me crying
than eating
in my car, broad daylight, at the jam-packed parking lot
i think i shoulda expected
maybe im just asking for it

no, im craving

for this hellhole id do anything
why would i want to escape
when all i do is chasing?

this body again, i ask
if they have more hatred for me
ive used mine up
my glass is broken but at least its full
many thanks to the world

i know no time
for me its always the same
over and over again

if i had different body would i be wanted?
if i had different mind would i be adored?
if my hands werent my own would you take it?

some days i wake up dying
the rest i dont
why am i still alive, it doesnt make sense
i hope youll understand
but no
no
i didnt say no

let's never leave the bed, not even for a bit
you can stay here forever, you'll be amazed
by how much you can do, horizontally
nothing poetic, only tragedy is expected
here, for a very very long time
that's what we've been longing for, isn't it?
i owe you much, my friend!
just this one more thing, my friend!
could you do it for me? could you do it for us?
could you please
stay
stay in the bed.

hey, aren't you well?
staying ill in this weather
won't take you anywhere,
bruising heart into cracked walls
and damp groin
i see your hair is falling out again
collecting grease
shedding scalp
i said i loved you, i did.
what are we anymore, we used to
collect each tear drops
call them different names
i forgot what your face looked like
when i see you
        how can i be sorry,
how can i

there are beautiful things in this world
one of them was being with you,
painting the blanket of the earth
mint green, lavender, sky blue
-- aching red burst
and now i can't see   any of it
we were vast, transcending galaxies
like something immense was on the way
but it got caught and dried and hung
like a head with horns
like a head    with fangs
like a head, trophy that says, defeat

if i were to find you
would you let me hold you
carry you
tend you
would you like to take the time
to heal?
in my chest. in my arms. would
you let me build for you  a mending place?
or would you tell me off
tell me: pretend
not to hear your screech
not to get your hurt
would you ask me to look past it
like you did
before

what am i going to do with you?
i can't love you if you aren't here
i can't find you if you disappear

what am i going to do without you?

I'm gonna puke
on the mirror
or on the street puddle
or if I could, on my own frigging eyes.

All that reflects.
I'm gonna puke
on the atmosphere
or on the clear window
or if I could, on my own foul heart.

Why isn't it raining hard?
The clouds
aren't afraid of me?
On them I'm also gonna puke.

I'm ashamed; posting
these awkward poems; expecting
you'd read this and smile.

i run
lose my legs
i run
what is pain? she runs
loses her legs
i tell you mother
a story and a marathon race
i tell you mother
a garden and a chest
i tell you, i tell you
as you appear in nightmares
as you
as you

and i do not exist anymore
and i run and i lose my legs
so i tell you mother
from the beginning to the end
i tell you
i tell you

i tell you

I promised to hate
what you love, but Sylvia;
Sylvia's my earth.

waters, i found salt
liquid, running through
i can meet you here
i guess
i shouted you goodbye
diving my way to the bed
i shouted you goodbye
soaking my lungs in tides

ocean, i like swimming
biting stream, harmless
bloat my body here
i become one
with loneliness
skinship me like no one else
peeling the skin
of the earth

body, this is me
did you call? now i am here
body, this is me
i've watched you for some time
i've observed and taken notes
i've hated you, body
i've accepted you
i've blamed you

i shouted you goodbye
silly
all you did
dragging me back
i shouted you goodbye
silly
i've loved you, body
only you confuse me at times

did you hear?
you only listened
to the ears
what did you say about me?
i was not worth
the cubicle
so you hid me
in a cabinet

I want crazy, I want cranky
Let me be that old woman who gets mad easily
Let this misogynistic society grow so great it will never be over oh no
Crush me, objectify me
Romanticize the way I dehumanize myself
Discriminate me
I am the stigmas, don't free them from me
I will drink your *** and be happy
Break me, let me crumble
I am a lump of inedible meat
Make a bet on my rushing blood
Don't lose, don't lose oh you will win for sure
Just say it and ***** on my mouth
Don't let me have worth without you
I am lesser than a slave, don't let me stare at your eyes
Play with my broken bones, cut my veins as you please
Make me beg, step on me
I am watermarked and it says your name
And yes this heart beats for you to stop
It can start again if you say so
You are the God, just do everything you want, just do everything you want
I can't not take it
I am inanimate
I am inanimate
I am inanimate

You have no idea
of how poetic it is
to eat a great load of junk food
while thinking about life.
---

I once tried to
keep a healthy lifestyle ---
eat an apple a day
avoid junk food
wake up early
shower two times a day
know my limit of caffeine
go out with friends
listen to popular music
live as a teen
and other ******* ---
in case I live long.

Clock ticks
Ink fades

Head heats
(Burning coals pillow)

I wish I could
make you up inside my head

You vanish
(I can't leave this cave)

Yes, Plath, my Plath,

I can't claim you as my Plath,
Not when I want to die
Nor when I want to live.

I don't even know how to
Do my words.
They flicker. I cannot touch them.

O what time did you go to bed?
You woke up so early
In the morning.
I think I know how and why.

That is what took my right
To call you
My
Plath.

Yes, Sylvia, my earth,

Let me be your moon.
You can't burn just like that.
My golden lotus,
You were among fierce flames

All the time.
I don't even know how to

Do my words.
They flicker.
I cannot touch them.

I have this tone of
voice only you can listen
but can't bear to so.

You'll look at me as
If you've seen a ghost
And I'll stare at you just
Like the same as ever

"I will die today," she whispers to me
"Well, congratulations!" I reply in glee
Her cheeks become rosy
Eyes be sparkly
Like the ones you see
in those who soon will marry; but
truer and far more pretty.
She will die today--
She will die today, really!
I am happy and
so is she, oh, so is she.

in the middle of july
i dream of red poppies
it comes out from my baby hole
it's not forming a line
anymore
like one day in april 2015
23:13 i drew a bridge
swamped with lil red poppies
not long enough to reach
the wrist
of my left hand

a body was where i used to live
knees bruised colors of prayers
kind purple warm green blood flow
dear crimson my old friend


unsex me
an empty shell

Wherever I go
I can't escape whoever
Resides in my head

Endless attempt
Seeking revenge
On no one

Passing the pain
Through passages
A final deed

Complete the read
Humdrum questions
At twenty I-

I've always been sad about the bathroom. The pink and black, hair and blood, tears and out of tune singing, thick and transparent. Whenever I step on the tiles I become afraid of the shower, that silver thing with wet holes, with cold stream and mindless embrace. But here I don't have the fear, only disgust, because the ground is all black and peeling and it sticks to my feet, and the coldness isn't clean, the coldness is only there because I've left it for just too long.





I keep coming back although I hate it, although each drop of water feels like a punishment and the soap bubbles are mocking my greasy everything. I keep coming back although it tortures me, because at the street I can hear the gazes pointed toward me, how the eyes shift when I try to catch, what is not said in front of me I know them all it rings so loud in my ears, I can hear them all. I keep coming back because even in the world of cruelty I still got to have a place to come home, to have something familiar, so I will feel less lonely and as if I had a purpose. It's a familiar pain, the kind of a hit that feels like a kiss. It's always like this, I keep coming back to the bathroom I do not own, I keep coming back and calling it my home. I've always been sad about it, the bathroom, home, I've always been

Am I dancing too wild, or, do you not know what is it to be human?
Even from the first time you saw my mother's blood,
I've been man-made ever since,
I've been completely aware of it,
My whole life, it's always been plastic.
But soul resists, and brain screams,
And heart keeps the beats out of rhythm, all the time.
Strange & complex animals humans are.

When I feel lonely
I love.

Get me out
of this pool
of pain and loneliness
I made up
a place as tight as my chest
with walls as high as the sky
I forgot how to swim
and water keeps filling my lungs
I forgot how to get up
drowning in the shallow water
thinking of a lifesaver
I made up
my own muscles and joints
my own breathing
I made up the pool. The swimmer
Get me out

Bedroom breeze, moonlit
water and late night shower.
I pray to the trees.