Tightest of all
Clenching teeth
Belly pain

Sautéed olives
Glossy pull it out
Not minded ******

Beg them be gone
Sleep less read more
A lousy writer

It is strange and I am afraid
I am afraid this is not real
I am afraid this is real

The lights so bright
I am ashamed now they see me
Skin or soul does not matter

Let it be dark
Let it be dark
So I wouldn't know what I would be killing

Be it a poisonous spider with my bare hands
Or be it my lovely goddesslike mother
Or be it the dream that never grows

Now, strip
And wither
Petals so dry they become powder

The painting-so red-flaring- it mocks me
Headless bombs
I have nothing to do with explosions

Turn off the sun it bothers me
So much
That the sun would never

Let me see its whole self
What are you hiding, sun?
Hiding is lying

to yourself
Let's say hi to the sun
I am on your back

To stab
Stab
Stab the sun it would never bleed

Because
It burns
And collapses-

you, too, are broken
like me, like a wounded tree;
nothing could save you.

is this liquid? i ask
myself because there's no one else
in this room i fall in love with indulgences
never falling out again
i'm a loyal lover of unhealthy desires
if you can call it desire
then i can call myself a lover
of anything that goes through my throat
in and out, in and out
i ask, is this liquid? the bed sheet
is white, translucent at the part
where i lay myself
dry

i'm terrib
ly sorr
y. i only hang out w
ith you
so i would be to
o drained to do
anyth
ing *"s
ill
y"

Holding too tight to sorrow
high concentration acid
Melts
an ice cube
a season
a scar
opens

Know the joy
accepting pain
My school didn't
teach me that

you, again
my name on the sand
my name, my life, just the same

you, again, the ocean
you be the beach i gave myself to
you be the tides that erase me quite

you, again, my earth-shaker
my alphabets remain nothing
my story crumbled by the wind

If I ever talk to the cloud again
and ask where my kite went ---

But the cloud would not speak
for it has no tongue nor teeth

Maybe my kite heard the wind singing
Or the sweet, sweet voice of Siren luring

Sun floats still
Couldn't run away

Sun stole, stole
Stole my kite away

If I ever talk to Ra again ---
I had no time explaining

Such sensitive teeth my kite has
Don't let it bite the Siren's voice

Sweet, sweet haze
Blinding

Sun floats still
Earth on routine

What did my kite say
when it reached your core?

It reached your core,
didn't it? It reached your core,
didn't it? It reached y--

Tell me what my kite said,
would you?

i cant give up my heat
to what i really need
arent i   just like
my mother? clumsily
birthed a child, again,
and another, tearing
a *** hole, bleeding
lifetimes, swallowing
salt with a mouth like wound. i
wish i never hurt i
an apple tree
blossomed
carrying entrails
like knowledge
i devour, an eater
fell in love
with  famine. arent i
just like   my mother?
a lady, sword  on her hand
scale ingrained on her heart
covers her eyes, but never
forgets to count. how many years
do i have left?
outlive me, or rather
i'll let you
have my youth.

I sit the way a
stomachache would; i sit the
way my mother taught.

Can't you sleep
when the
sky crumbles

Tender, heavy, that
is happiness for
you. A nocturne

lies upon your
soul, moth which wings
clear as cakes of the

clown. Can't
you
sleep when

the
earth breaks for
your

body, light
and
swollen

is a girl
shining shy
Poured down the ground

The story behind me
is made of the pages of a torn book
of alphabets, the one your older
sister used to learn from;
A is for Apple
B is for Bee, or Butterfly,
C is for Cat
D is torn and gone
So is E
F is for Fire
G is for Grudge
H is for Hatred, especially towards self
I is for It becomes wrong,
J is for Jesus, oh and Just
K, for Kidding
L, M, N,
O, they are not here anymore
I am afraid the rests are gone too
P is for Pizza
Q is for Queen
R is for Resentment
S is for Sardonic
T is for T, a nickname of a ballet dancer,
U is for Umbrella
V is for Vanilla
W, X, Y? Why should they exist, when
Z is for Zoo, where I am caged?

Before 6 a.m.
I cannot fall asleep
It's like a spell
Keeping my eyes open wide

Seeing nothing
Mind thinking of houses flooded
Hands dull and worried
Hands sick and dry

Painted on my sides
And there are also legs
But not mine
Not anymore

\

Did you know?
Wide thighs are the cause of heart attacks
So they plant some skyscrapers on there
Yet put some medicines in between

\

*Legs all grown and boring
They only talk when they drink
Legs all hurt and scarred
They only walk in the brink

My legs will soon rot
before i've time to bury
them in the backyard

i'm just like a baby
and i put this (synthetic) leather jacket on
dreaming of fluffy blanket
i'm sick with a tooth
some days i pray with eyes open
my hands are neverending
i crave a body
and instant noodles
please hug me. warmth is not
all i ask

*******
for all those people who care for you
*******
for all the warmth given to you
*******
for all that sweetness as choices
*******, ******* so much
just *******
and
*******
and ******* and ******* and *******
and
*******
for all those people who care for you.
*****
you.

Let's ring like a siren
Higher octave than ever
We are going to fight the fire or
bringing the dead all over the town
It's just the same
Let's celebrate

We are going to
puncture some tympanic membranes
until all bleed and the sound
is merely just a slight touch
they can't ever recognize
So tell the young girl
not to sell earplugs today
Today is just not right
Today is an umbrella day
for there will be tears everywhere
of parents
of children
of strangers

What we won't tell
Today will be
a flood day
And those who can't swim
must know how to drown
Because merely floating
is an act of disgrace

So let's ring like a siren
So let's celebrate
For the burned and the dead
For the loss and the grief
For the unheard sounds and voices

Today will be
Our day

The lilies bloomed in your chest,
Destroying the pure & dark
With unnecessary beauty.
Your ribs pale & hurt,
Hanging strong, hiding truth.
Such a mother I never would.

You could grow potatoes out of your skin
& feed the entire world yourself.
You could be a forest
& give your lungs for the Earth.
You could cry & clean the ocean.
You could die & still have lives.

But the lilies bloomed in your chest!
Your eyes curious like a child
& they sink to see
Your chest now all wet & *****,
They weep, & you wish you'd died.
O you, could die & still have lives.

Smoky head,
I know you are in there,
Holding breath,
And dusty lungs,
I find myself choking,
Remnant crushed seeds,
Angelic jasmines,
Dried lake,
Emeralds and rubies,
A shot robin,
Melted gold in blood vessels,
Precious floats,
Molten stars your tears,
Teeth o moon's dreams,
Price less in fool eyes,
I once was blind and still,
Cannot feel.

Lit the silence, what once
was damp
now burned. I
sleep in wildfire,
keep my mind as straight
as an Asian
daughter.
As soon as the sun
goes up, HCl
too. Even my tears are
acidic.
I cry for no reason
and laugh because I feel like
crying. Present it much. Staying up late,
I haven't got the
time to worry.
My
lioness is
taking her rest
in my chest,
on my shoulders and the back
I give her a ride.
What a lovely day.

Fear, fear, what do you fear?
Come near, come near
Tell us what you do fear

Little Eli wonders
If he should fear
What the fear fears

But he does not know yet
What the fear fears
The fear has not appeared

Little Eli wonders
If the fear did not hear
The fear would not come near!

Fear, fear, what do you fear?
Please hear, please hear
Let yourself appear*

Little Eli wonders
What the fear fears
So it won't even hear

there is nothing real
your nostrils are one wormhole
and the pores on your face
are small hidden volcanoes
they can errupt any time
though they are just bunch of inactive ones
there is nothing real
not even your fears
that keep you awake for seven years
under the stars who let you burn
in the cold nights when
owls decide to sleep
------
yes i do
i love you too
------
there is nothing real
the bats, the crows
the knife, the bubbles
instead of pearls
flowers are growing out of tears
it makes me happy
like smiling never felt this easy
paint my face pink and orange
dunk my head in stale milk
i am growing peacock feathers
and claws of a phanter's
falling out of a window
there is nothing real

Sadness is like the stars, and happiness the skies. But atop you just dead flowers and dried tears, keeping you warm are maggots and shrouds.
No one has any idea, your heart beats in perfect harmony.
Let it be, you let it be.
That's the closest to the air you can give, although it can only grow thinner. Dear oxygen has left you for good. Your rotten lungs can only grow more sour. Your throat severely wounded and your own mouth tastes like vinegar.
That detailed twist in your abdomen. Right. Your body is soundproof.
You can't even remember the ****** scene.

I have no problems except my body wide as a baseball field except there's no boy in it
and i eat at midnight and when i say stomachache it could mean anything
it could mean my right knee hurts (i am losing my legs) or my thighs are a rainforest except there's no life in it it could mean the sky is falling except i weigh more than it
I have no problems except when other girls are pretending that they are dumb i cannot pretend except i really am
dumb and cannot even read the cuckoo's calling because my father says literature is all **** except that is not his fault having a kid like me except my brain is too wrinkled people think my head's a box of sunmaid
(they begin to eat from my head)
and when i say my face round as a basketball i mean it (i mean it) i can even paint it red except when i see people's eyes i cry and my face boils so that's why i can't keep my mind cool
(i have never been cool anyway)
I have no problems except when i talk i talk superficial and maybe that's why i stop and i never keep the conversation going except i talk to a trash can except i don't want to talk to a trash can except god really does exist
except you don't know what god i am talking about
the god in the face, the god
god heart of a god like you
do you stand at the blackboard, daddy? we sat under the lights and you said, "let's go home, you have curfew, don't you?"
and when my mother talks she talks so much like ******* --- or constipation or another contraction (i can't tell the difference) but i was not answering her calls i am never answering her calls because i am moon not just because the medications or my face because she is goddess not just because motherhood or marital rapes
(I have no problems except when you kissed me you thought it was better than returning my hug except after that you felt sorry except i only wanted more)

I was your baby, your stomachache,
moonlight on your hair, flower of your *******,
a curse to your womb, sweetness clotting in your veins.

I'll take you in, I've been waiting for so long.

It was August.
We both were dead, we
both were peacefully cold.

I'd never been such a soil before. I think I'll never be.

It was only an Avalokiteśvara error.
Our breath continued,
but we were no longer connected, they pulled
me out from you, they
only thought, how much of a nuisance I was to you.
And I spent my entire life to make you think the same way.

Come in, I'll make you tea.

It was always August.
You put too much sugar in our life,
oh God, don't make me tell you that.
I am sorry I don't have chairs.
Chairs are the thing to break the window, to open the door,
the thing to be kicked at 2 a.m.
I have a normal way of living, so I don't have chairs.

Would you come in?

I kept staring at your shadows.
I kept repeating your heartbeats.
I was your baby, your waking up songs,
eye of your world, crescent on your face,
an anchor to your chairs, softness wrapping your scarred hands.

Rain, rain hard would it.
Common unhappiness, cool.
What's very easy.

You float around my
Head like a fly attracted
To dead rotten things

didn't i tell you?
we cannot escape darkness
while avoiding light

survivor is the romanticized side
of everything
because it gets better
but often gets far worse

& until we are the number
& we become the percentages
3 out of 100 vulnerable
to mental disorders

marital rapes & ****** &
****** abuses
we've tried to cry
but lullabies far louder

close your eyes you still can't listen
waves crashing, crushing phrase by phrase
heartbeat, a storybook, only without a plot
stomach growl, head falling to ground
a body with the most denial
gravity in your ears, did you find a root?
believe me when i say i'm soundproof

wish for no space between liquid and solid
aqueous girl, scared teeth can't sing a song
in a box, bones and hair
flesh twitching covered in tears
you can't stand, eyes fixed open
here's my control, i'll give it to you
how can you be so real?

(Legs and legs and legs)
      I carry my thighs like I am the capital city of the family
      Once in a while I stumble, I can't break just so no one collapses
(Legs and legs and legs)
      I wear my knees like I've never prayed before
      Awkward yet soft, I stand in an athlete's manner
(Legs and legs and legs)
      Calves cold as marble pillars, my body is a church
      Sinners climbing my legs, I guide them into the light
(Legs and legs and legs)
      Just which feet was I given?
      Just which door did I open?

//The sad sorry is wrenching my guts.
I just heard my sternum gone. Rest in peace, my girl.

//Sweet, too sweet for brown sugar.
Did you put it too much? I always have it too much.

//My moon won't wait for me to fall asleep.
She keeps falling from my eyes, leaving my body just like that.

//Just stop. Stop it. Please stop it.
Don't let me enter your thoughts.

//In the morning is the worst.
If you know what I mean, I am sorry.

Mama, I do not want to eat
and I don't want you to know it.

I am glad you do so well without me
but too bad, fears aren't what stay like rocks.
They breathe like fire and grow like children.
I lost them once and they never come back,
o my poor lost children I still love them!

Mama, I just took a proper shower.
I know I should not be so proud, but
the water was black and so cold and the soap and shampoo were mocking my filthy skin.
I was strong. I am strong.
I am glad you do so well without me.

I was Mother Mary once, you did not know it.
You have lots of grandchildren but I lost all of them so I cannot show you how they have grown like haunted trees and abandoned churches.
You taught me motherly love, Mama,
not how to prove it.

I became a garden but the minerals kept falling from
the pores and eyes. I could not be good soil.
The hibiscus and jasmine and frangipani I wanted to grow
are now as dead and confused as my chest.

My head is one native tomb.
How could I not find a name?

I am doing very well, Mama.

Just that I kept thinking I am at home.

I promised we'd meet
before I died. I didn't
know you could die too.

ii.

It was a promise;
Not to leave
before you arrive.

I believed.
You didn't.

It wasn't a longing.
If it was, I could
just **** it in a blink.

I waited 'til late;
You overslept.

Do you even know
that I still write about you?
Blue moon, cats, o you!

How sweet of you that you
write my destiny
so I just have to
enjoy the ride
without having
to think of anything
else. I am so
grateful
for that. I do not
have to worry
at all. I just need
to be your
mirror. Your magic one.

How sweet of you that the
reflection you see
in me is all the things you
want to see. I am
your magic mirror.
Your glorious reflection.
I tell what you
want to hear. I be what you
want to see. I hold what
you failed to bear. The dreams
of your waste
d youth ----
Place the pride
on my shoulder.
I am an unbreakable soldier.
Place the armor
on my shell.
I am so small I cannot be empty.
Your care nourishes
me. You make
me believe that I am
loved. I survive, I
can face the world all
thanks to
the warmth you
give to my
iron soul.

I'd rather stay myself and be corroded than melt.

How sweet of you that you
forgive my harsh
words and my ill
gazes and all
those high pitched
voices. I know I
am forgiven for all days
you keep saying
that. How sweet of you
and your forgiving heart and
your genuine fatherly
love. How sweet of you that
you keep giving us
your already stolen
life. I stole it and you
are pleased. I am your magic
mirror. I be
the reflection you want
to see. I hold
the dreams you failed
to bear. Oh, you
write your
own destiny in me.

Lost Lost Children's song
Lost at 3:20
in the morning where clock ticks
struggling to blend
Slime-smoo-thie, slime-smoo-thie drink
Slime-smoo-thie, slime-smoo-thie drink
Oh Sia has never been wrong
Bullets brain, bargained
Ballet shoes, never worn out
Stay as clear as tears
Stay as clear as tears
Just burn the witches
where clock ticks
struggling to fade
Oh not even could light a cigarette
Lost Lost Children's song
Lost at 3:20
Found it
Stuck in your baby pink lungs

No smoking, sweetheart
Smoking kills
Lost Lost Children
Do not grow up so fast
Just come back home to Mama
Heal your scratched knee,
never
Do not learn to bike anymore
Just stay home with Mama
Mama has a song too
Mama sings only for you
Just come back home to Mama

Downfall like baobab's
How dare you grow so fast
Downfall like baobab kid
I hope you find your sheep

Lost Lost Children's song
Lost at 3:20
Lost at wrong perception
Do not find Mama is fine

light, light, light. it's a whole experience. cut me into two pieces. right left. i'd never been so symmetric. the ground sparkled. dorothy knocking. the house blown. wind whisper leaves laugh. i'd never felt such courage. candles weren't lit in the dark haze was reflecting the light.

moon hanging too low it hit my head. ruby glistened between the branches. hands reaching out for fear, god trembling and dropped the glass. it rained hurt only to remind life to remain. every body is a coffin to the soul, food to the soil. when finally we are one it doesn't happen. the window was open. only small i carefully ran away it doesn't end.

i am crawling to the third floor and there it is, your room
i wanted to be pure, i wanted innocent
i am melting beneath your palms like a bar of white chocolate
you know right, white looks good on you

i'm dreaming of your lips except when i'm with you
it's your eyes:
an abyss, but wholesome
i can only hold your hand and i already know how soft you are

are you gonna touch me like i am precious?
one brush and i already am so powerful
i don't want to tell you this, but
if only we dared, there'd be nothing i can't do

after the movie
we walked side by side
you reached for my hand
and asked, "why's your hand so cold?"
i got nervous around you
and i want to kiss you, but instead
of telling you that
i said, "i just washed my hands"

you chuckled
and it felt like
a smile emoji :)

you held my hand
tight enough to make me dizzy
and warm
but not long enough
to mean anything more

that night
you got a cold
i think you caught the fever
that should've been mine
but of course, it's a secret
i can't possibly tell you

but if only you let me
i will take you
to the doctor
and i will
watch you heal
because i want to
watch you heal

Genie wanders
Another lamp breaks
Then another
Then another

Genie wants dark
Genie longs pitch black
The street widens
No one sees walls

Genie smiles
Kills the clock
Genie's time's grave
Genie smiles

Genie doesn't blink
Genie doesn't breathe
Genie is a cat
Dies and dies and dies

And dies and dies
And dies and dies and dies;
Genie saves the best
For last

Another carrot on the plate
Mommy's going to be
Mad!
But Genie is a cat

Genie only eats meat
Genie can't be fooled
Genie is smart
Genie breaks another lamp

She doesn't really want storms
It's just that she breathes dreams of storms
and what comes to her eyes,
those silly rainbows and
dead waterlilies and half-dried rivers,
makes she feel like a fat mad white rabbit
who is dancing and stamping
on you. She always knew it was you -----

Varieties of rain-clouds
Spreading like sudor glands on
her mosquito-bites covered skin
And the pores will not stop yawning
and drooling Anna Akhmatova's line
Dripping down her throat, her temples and legs; You will hear thunder and
remember me, and
think: she wanted storms.

She doesn't really want storms
It's just that she likes thunder and thinks it
as another form of sound waves her ears
used to eat a lot on Friday
and Saturday
nights.

Now it becomes faeces.
Your voice.

how dare you not have mint chocolate chip available on my birthday, do you know how many years i and my mother
wait
to have the mint chocolate chip ice cream of our life? answer me, baskin robbins

although i know her eating such sweet flavor is only a figment
i can't wish on my birthday candle
the only birthday candle i got
was from a sushi joint
mother, i didn't get a single present
not even now, not even tomorrow
i'm going to
the future with my boyfriend
he's called dean, also god, also gpa

all i want is to die
my boyfriend's real name is diploma
i wonder
if i'd ever want to date a boy
all i want is to die

answer me, baskin robbins
do you also want me to die? you've known me
for all my life
i don't remember
i don't remember
the joy of being born
mother, did i laugh when i escaped your womb? did i even smile?
you must've been aware of that
right
i want to go to a baskin robbins outlet where they have mint chocolate chip

truth is sweet
a cherry in the tongue
dry lips
dull eyes

nothing has ever been so wrong
sour throat
wind floats like hair
mermaid's neck

isadora's tips of fingers
clean and short

car crash by car crash
everybody listens

avoid the lights
hide in the hole
find behind the walls

anyone would wish sharper
darker
harder
quieter

I break my body not knowing my skin tearing apart has nothing to do with my shy soul. I bloat my stomach not realizing the peristaltis means what once was war still is a losing battle for both parties.

I stuff my silly mouth because she reeks of hunger and isolation. I stuff my silly mouth until my esophagus screams and emits fear blanketing the night sky.

you, the sand on your skin,
your hair, salty drenched in ocean water
and smells like tropical flowers.
the strands stick to your face,
as if trying to cover the beauty in
your eyes, they have seen
kindness being slaughtered, justice shattered.
more than anyone's, yours are the oldest of eyes, yours
make wrinkle appear on your heart.

Sinful gazes
Childlike crime
Hiding faces
In the dark

"What do you do when
You got a plastic bag
Some elastic bands
And sleeping pills?"

Silly head
Old-century heart
May your soul
Rot not reek

I'm sleeping early
Not drinking coffee
Not reading your poetry
To, to avoid you from appearing in my dreams
No, no,
Nothing works