If only

Maybe God was actually out to get you and missed

The view from Hell is the most gorgeous of all
Brightest most vibrant blue sky above the fall
But in my ears is the demons call

Leaves of every autumn color fill the trees
If only I could feel the crisp cool breeze
Maybe then my burning flesh could ease

What I wouldn't give to feel the energies of the season's changing again
But I'm falling further into Hell, much to my chagrin
And against these demons there is no way to defend

So I'll enjoy the view
With all of it's diffrent hues
Till I'm blinded by the darkness, left without a clue

The view from Hell is the most gorgeous of all
Brightest most vibrant blue sky above the fall
But in my ears is the demons call

Leaves of every autumn color fill the trees
If only I could feel the crisp cool breeze
Maybe then my burning flesh could ease

What I wouldn't give to feel the energies of the season's changing again
But I'm falling further into Hell, much to my chagrin
And against these demons there is no way to defend

So I'll enjoy the view
With all of it's diffrent hues
Till I'm blinded by the darkness, left without a clue

Give me some of that vitamin H, so my body can sigh
Sit awail, I'll nod a bit, and kiss this world's problems goodby
There'll be no more tears, no need to cry
As my mind is carried off on high
Body so relaxed it forgets to breath
Where I have floated off to, there seems to be no need
With this vitamin running through my veins
I don't feel the need to plant a bullet in my brain
When thoughts of death start to close in
I turn and run to my new friend
It's all a matter of desperation
Locked up tight in my situation

Give me some of that vitamin H, so my body can sigh
Sit awail, I'll nod a bit, and kiss this world's problems goodby
There'll be no more tears, no need to cry
As my mind is carried off on high
Body so relaxed it forgets to breath
Where I have floated off to, there seems to be no need
With this vitamin running through my veins
I don't feel the need to plant a bullet in my brain
When thoughts of death start to close in
I turn and run to my new friend
It's all a matter of desperation
Locked up tight in my situation

Walk with me into the void of nothingness
There is no need to even get dressed

For there is no,when or how
There is no holy cow
There is no God or Satan
It's a fact I am stating

In the void nothing exist
It's more than just a wish
There are no demons or monsters
Nothing you can foster

There is no flesh and bone
No skill that you must hon
No beating heart to shatter
There certainly is no clatter

Only darkness surrounds you
For light is absent too
It is not cold or hot
Darkness is all it's got

The void is peace and quite
There is no need to riot
It welcomes everyone
Discrimination there is none

The void is where I am heading
This earthly body I am shedding
I've lived in the gray my whole life
I'm ready for an end to the strife

So off to the void I go
I will bring nothing in tow
It's not an end, but a winning
I'm finally at the begaining

I can't fly without feathers
So why are you putting me in tethers
I can't swim without fins
And still your sticking in the pins
And pulling off that little dolls limbs
Like right out of the fairytale grimms'

Your vicious as hell with that voodoo doll of twine
You made in my image so it would be mine
I constantly feel the shivers run down my spine

I don't understand why you keep me here entrapped
And leave all of our potential so untapped
Instead you think I must be kidnapped

It's trust that you're so desperately lacking
Wish you would just relize it's not me that's been slacking

I can't fly without  feathers
So why are you putting me in tethers
I can't swim without fins
And still your sticking in the pins
And pulling off that little dolls limbs
Like right out of the fairytale grimms'

Your vicious as hell with that voodoo doll of twine
You made in my image so it would be mine
I constantly feel the shivers run down my spine

I don't understand why you keep me here entrapped
And leave all of our potential so untapped
Instead you think I must be kidnapped

It's trust that you're so desperately lacking
Wish you would just relize it's not me that's been slacking

I can't fly without  feathers
So why are you putting me in tethers
I can't swim without fins
And still your sticking in the pins
And pulling off that little dolls limbs
Like right out of the fairytale grimms'

Your vicious as hell with that voodoo doll of twine
You made in my image so it would be mine
I constantly feel the shivers run down my spine

I don't understand why you keep me here entrapped
And leave all of our potential so untapped
Instead you think I must be kidnapped

It's trust that you're so desperately lacking
Wish you would just relize it's not me that's been slacking

Driving to work today
This is what I saw along my way
Vultures sitting on top of utility poles
As I traveled down the hot dusty road
Kinda makes me worried how todays gonna go
Not one, not two, but four I spied
Makes me want to turn tail and hide
They did not fly but had that look in their eyes
Patiently waiting for a great demise
But on I pressed with great foreboding
Wondering what the futures holding
Made it to work, everyone here is still alive
Thank God,because the old man is eighty five
Maybe the vultures are for me insteed
Maybe today is the day I'll end up dead

Wait
Please stay
Create
Long days
Lost
Without you
Cost
Feeling blue
Love
Is strange
Above
World rearranged
Wait
Please stay
Captivate
Make away
Afraid
You'll leave
Blade
Long sleeves
Blood
I'll grive
Flood
I'll cleave
Wait
Please stay
Devastate
Love, forever & a day

Wait
Please stay
Create
Long days
Lost
Without you
Cost
Feeling blue
Love
Is strange
Above
World rearranged
Wait
Please stay
Captivate
Make away
Afraid
You'll leave
Blade
Long sleeves
Blood
I'll grive
Flood
I'll cleave
Wait
Please stay
Devastate
Love, forever & a day

Texting someone and waiting on a reply
It's taking so long I just might die
I'll be a pile of bones
Before they get to their phone

Like a tree in the night I get lost in the shadows
Standing here waiting my turn at the gallows

I'm just a mirage
Decked out in camouflage
A black silouet against a sea of gray
The drakness conceals the decay

Watching the moonbeams resistance Against the darks existence
The star's twinkle in denial
But the darkness has been there all the while

Consumed by years of agonizing pain
I don't consider myself even close to sane
Digging through life's haystack to find that proverbial needle
My search is methodical but the results are feeble

So I'm beginning to bending under the weight
Of this wretched life, this darkest fate
For I have already tasted the sorrow
Of every single one of my lifes tomorrows

Once a mighty warrior full of hope and fight
All that remains is poison tainted veins from life's snake bite
So here in the crushing darkness I stand and wait
Hoping the executioner, my years will soon abbreviate

©Pauline Russell

When the world has left me cold,and dog tired
I can't wait to warm my bones inside your fire
The rays from your beaming smile
Cuts trough my darkness for awail
Just to occupy the same space
Leaves me feeling warm and safe
In your gentle embrace,my walls crumble
In your presence I feel so humble


On that day you need to go away
There's a few things I'll need to say
"Without your sun, my world will return to black"
Secretly I'd do anything to get you back
"Without your presence there'll be no safety"
The world will surly drive me crazy
"I understand you have to go"
No one can endure how my sorrow grows
"My love for you will always show"
How much you've done and ment to me, I pray you know

For the present I'll enjoy your glow
Basking in your soothing flow
In the here and now
I'll let you show me how
You make my demons run and hide
Simply because you are by my side

The warmth came to you one day
And it really wanted to stay
But you pushed it away
You where to use to the gray
There was nothing the warmth could say
To make you even a little bit sway
So it tried to spread a warming ray
But you looked at in disgust and let it lay
And so it simply, painfully and slowly decayed

The warmth came to you one day
And it really wanted to stay
But you pushed it away
You where to use to the gray
There was nothing the warmth could say
To make you even a little bit sway
So it tried to spread a warming ray
But you looked at in disgust and let it lay
And so it simply, painfully and slowly decayed

So I guess it was just your demons talking
Or was it YOU that was mocking
With my emotions you played
To you I was just prey
You knew that I was broken
But still those awful words were spoken
I LOVE YOU
But of course none of it was true
Why did you want to Make me blue
Why did you want to leave another scar
Is that really who you are
Another deceiver
Another meat cleaver
To chop parts of me away
Was I your dragon you had to slay
I'm in awe of why you done it
Guess you really didn't give a ****
I was already broken
Guess you just wanted a token

The pain was there to stay
So she took the drugs to make it go away
The shadows danced and played
As on her bed she laid
There will always be a price to be paid
When numbness was what she carved

There she sets with her head down in her hands
Life sure didn't turn out like she planned
The autumn leaves have got her thinking
This life of hers doesn't have much meaning

She never thought she would be alone this far down the line
This life of hers feels more like a crime
All her friends have come and gone
It all just felt so wrong
I know the thought that is running through her mind
She's afraid it's all been wasted time

The pain was there to stay
So she took the drugs to make it go away
The shadows danced and played
As on her bed she laid
There will always be a price to be paid
When numbness was what she carved

There she sets with her head down in her hands
Life sure didn't turn out like she planned
The autumn leaves have got her thinking
This life of hers doesn't have much meaning

She never thought she would be alone this far down the line
This life of hers feels more like a crime
All her friends have come and gone
It all just felt so wrong
I know the thought that is running through her mind
She's afraid it's all been wasted time

The pain was there to stay
So she took the drugs to make it go away
The shadows danced and played
As on her bed she laid
There will always be a price to be paid
When numbness was what she carved

There she sets with her head down in her hands
Life sure didn't turn out like she planned
The autumn leaves have got her thinking
This life of hers doesn't have much meaning

She never thought she would be alone this far down the line
This life of hers feels more like a crime
All her friends have come and gone
It all just felt so wrong
I know the thought that is running through her mind
She's afraid it's all been wasted time

Cascading waterfalls
Over cold stone walls

Take a look beyond, to what is so unknown
On the surface it's strong, made of stone

But as delicate as a wilting flower, with it's peddles about to drop
Won't take much, for this bleeding heart to stop

Standing in the salty waves and mist
Of all the tears my eyes, have dismissed

Watching the pages of my life turn
As my story goes up in flames and burns

I've crossed that bridge of sorrow to many times to count
Praying my feet next time, would take a different route

But it seems, I must pay that toll
For on and on, the agony continues to roll

I can hear the demons laughing,  as they're tallying up the score
Full in the knowledge, my years will soon be no more

Tidal waves of memories hit my minds shore
You where my heart,  you where my core
Now I'm lost, I'm adrift on this emotional sea
Because you are no longer here beside me
I can't seem to navigate it any more
Wishing with my might, it could be as it was before
Before you was called to a different plain
Nothing, no nothing remains the same
Your departure was way to sudden
The ground around me is now flooding
My tears won't stop, even when they don't show
Belive me inside they still flow

The sun no longer shines so bright
The moon hides it's face in the night
The stars refuse to twinkle
Wishing in time I could find that wrinkle
That I could ride back to you
Back before your spirit flew
Back before I knew this pain
Back before this ice cold rain
Back before the wave of your death ****** me under
Before my life was ripped apart and plundered

Tidal waves of memories hit my minds shore
Thing's will never be as they where before
Your presence will be no more
Your existence is but a vapor
A puff of smoke, that is gone to fast
Now only shadows of your memories are cast
Only seen by your loved ones eyes
As the tears start to rise

I will never forget that cold day in August
But this before was promised

Forever you will remain in my heart
Forever you will remain in my thoughts
Forever I will love you my soul united friend
Forever beyond this end

For we will meet again
When time bends

I'm the one that's supposed to be holding it all togeather
Making everything better
But the ropes are slipping
And the blood will soon be dripping
It's all about to splatter on the floor
I wish I could just turn and walk out the door
There's no where to hid
To many salty tears cried
Nothing to do but watch
In the depression's belt another notch
Seen it coming for months, no one to help
Bend over let life give me another whelp
Because who is there to pick up the one that kept it all togeather
The one that the storms they where supposed to weather
Who is there to help the one everyone turned to
The one that now can't pull through
Can you riddle me this
Where is my bliss
I need to know
The ropes about to go
With enough pressure even a diamond can crack
And I'm much weaker than that

Why are you ******* with my head
It took me days to get out of bed
We were through, but here you stand
Flashing those eye's, reaching for my hand
What is this **** your trying to sell
You say you want to give me heaven, but all you show me is hell

Please oh please just back away
There is nothing to you I want to say
I don't want to see you at my door
No I can't stand to see you anymore
All you do is play your games
Get inside and **** with my brain
Everything you do only causes pain
I want no part of you in my life To remain
So I'll whisper a good by as I close this chapter
Because I already know what you're after

I welcome the company
In this unending sea
Of loathing and misery

I hate to hear you suffer too
But a lot of us do
We need each other to get through

No need to suffer in silence
This is no science
We live on in defiance

Of a world that's beat us down
Left a lot of us cowering on the ground
But look we're still around

Hear my souls song
It's sad and it's long
But still I crawl and go on

I know you can too I'm much weaker than you
Together we can get through
It's the best we can do

One day at a time
Making sense of what doesn't rhyme
Always something out of line

It's more than feeling blue
It just munchs and chews
It's an agony eating right through

Till on the inside your hollow
All that's left is the sorrow
Just trying to hold on till tomorrow

Dangling over that cliff by your fingertips
Over life you constantly trip
As your insides rip

I know how it is, I suffer the same
Sometimes there is no reason for the rain
That's when you feel you'll never be sane

The darkness comes out of the blue
It never leaves you a clue
But you know that's nothing new

It's better when there's a trigger
At lest it gives you something to consider
That way you know which way to set your sail's rigger

Sleepless night's are the worse
As the waves of sorrow you try to transverse
That leaves you feeling like your living under a curse

We can tread these waters together
We can hold on to each other whenever
The pain gets to much to measure

I beg you please enter and leave your place of wonder
Come to me I call all darkness
In here you will be safe from the light

We have a new carcass
It will be so easy
We were invited
We can do what we want
We can not be cited

So here we will stay
Even though with all these demons we are cramped
You.can do anything
On her forehead she is stamped

Above us is the poisoned skies
Acid dripping from up high
All the leaves are blowing
Because all the trees are now glowing
The flower all have died
Carnivorous plants now abide
The grass no longer grows
Because it always snows
The ground is very brittle
It cracks if you step just a little
The mighty rivers are no more
Boy, the human race sure can make some gore
The sky's a crimson red, the clouds are inky black
From this post apocalypse, there is no coming back

What does tomorrow want from me
Should I open up my wrist again, so I don't have to see
For we all walk behind the blind
Today I think I'll draw the line

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who will pick me up when I fall
Can you tell me anything at all

What will tomorrow bring to me
Agony as deep as the sea
There's no telling what I'll do
When tomorrow with me is through

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who will pick me up when I fall
Can you tell me anything at all

When tomorrow will soon be a yesterday
Will I still be lost within the gray
Will someone find and rescue me
For I am my own worst enemy

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who will pick me up when I fall
Can you tell me anything at all

It's certain tomorrow is a frightening place
It's sure to give me problems I can't face
Tragedies of every sort
Just to see how far I can contort

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who will pick me up when I fall
Can you tell me anything at all

When tomorrow finally comes
Will I be facing the loaded guns
Will I become mentally sicker
Strong enough to pull the trigger

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who will pick me up when I fall
Can you tell me anything at all

What does tomorrow want from me
Will it turn around and let me be
For I am all ready on my knees
Searching for the missing keys

What does tomorrow want from me
Should I open up my wrist again, so I don't have to see
For we all walk behind the blind
Today I think I'll draw the line

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who will pick me up when I fall
Can you tell me anything at all

What will tomorrow bring to me
Agony as deep as the sea
There's no telling what I'll do
When tomorrow with me is through

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who will pick me up when I fall
Can you tell me anything at all

When tomorrow will soon be a yesterday
Will I still be lost within the gray
Will someone find and rescue me
For I am my own worst enemy

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who will pick me up when I fall
Can you tell me anything at all

It's certain tomorrow is a frightening place
It's sure to give me problems I can't face
Tragedies of every sort
Just to see how far I can contort

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who will pick me up when I fall
Can you tell me anything at all

When tomorrow finally comes
Will I be facing the loaded guns
Will I become mentally sicker
Strong enough to pull the trigger

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who will pick me up when I fall
Can you tell me anything at all

What does tomorrow want from me
Will it turn around and let me be
For I am all ready on my knees
Searching for the missing keys

What do you dream of when you close your eyes
What do you truly dream of when you take off your disguise

What is it that makes your heart quicken
What is it that will make your blood thicken

What gets you moving and going on you way
What helps you to survive another day



What do you do when all your dreams have died
What do you do when they no longer dance before your eyes

What can you do when there's no thoughts when you sleep
What can you do when the hole it left is to steep

If all your dreams die what motivates you then
If all your dreams end how do you get up time and again

Are all dreams ment to die
Are they ment to dissolve into the sky

I'm rarely myself, I try to stay alone
My true feelings can't be shown
Because if they don't know me
I often offend, they can't see
Past the heartache and the pain
That drives me insane

So I stay out of sight the best I can
For wearing a mask I simply can't stand
So those that enter my personal bubble
Usually find it a bit troubled

When I get to lonely, the only ones I chose
Those I let close
Those that can take the blows
Of all that I decided to disclose

I am the lock with no key
I take in all I see
I existed before space
I was here before the human race
I was the watcher all along
I just keep marching on
I will never ever die
I am time, I just fly

©Pauline Russell

I've slowly came to the realization
Of what makes me so craven
I now know what is killing me
It's not what I thought it would be
It's not the pain, agony, or strife
That is so ******* rife
That's been there all my life
It's not the monsters, demons, or tragedy
No it's not any of the things I thought it would be
I thought I was killing time, but now I see
Time is killing me

I've slowly came to the realization
Of what makes me so craven
I now know what is killing me
It's not what I thought it would be
It's not the pain, agony, or strife
That is so ******* rife
That's been there all my life
It's not the monsters, demons, or tragedy
No it's not any of the things I thought it would be
No, I thought I was killing time, but I've realized time is killing me

I've slowly came to the realization
Of what makes me so craven
I now know what is killing me
It's not what I thought it would be
It's not the pain, agony, or strife
That is so ******* rife
That's been there all my life
It's not the monsters, demons, or tragedy
No it's not any of the things I thought it would be
No, I thought I was killing time, but I've realized time is killing me

I've slowly came to the realization
Of what makes me so craven
I now know what is killing me
It's not what I thought it would be
It's not the pain, agony, or strife
That is so ******* rife
That's been there all my life
It's not the monsters, demons, or tragedy
No it's not any of the things I thought it would be
I thought I was killing time, but now I see
Time is killing me

A person who wants nothing, never can be bought
A person who won't fight, never can be fought
A person who doesn't lie, never can be caught
A person who won't play the game, never can be used
A person who dosen't cheat, will always pay his dues
A persons who never thinks, can never have any views
A person who dosen't care what you think, will never leave you confused
A person who has nothing, they will never lose
Tell me dear friend, what kind of person are you

Don't you realize what you let go
What you let out your door stroll
Don't you know, another one you won't find
It was something amazingly strang, a one of a kind
You didn't object, you didn't give chase
From your mind will it be that easy to erase

When you gaze into the fire's dying embers
Will all those moments not be remembered
But I guess it didn't mean that much
Or tighter you would of clutched
With your actions you made it clear
You just watched it disappear

Was your vision so impaired
That you seen it like smoke in the air
Past love gone bad, it left you stolid
She left your heart frozen solid

Sadly my love you couldn't return
A strongly guarded  heart, only I got burned
But one harsh day you might see
You lost something uniquely special......me

©Pauline Russell

What was I ment to be
Come closer and you'll see
Look deep into my eyes
That's where it hides
A beautiful soul shackled in chains
That's where it will remain

Take away the pain
Take away the strain
Just what would remain

I am held together with the struggle
I am held together because of all I juggle

I am nothing but agony
I am nothing but depravity
I am nothing but blasphemy

Question's on my mind weigh
If you could take that away
Do it right here today

Would I cease to exist
Would I still be here in the midst
Would I be missed

For I am nothing but self loathing, agony, and pain
If it could magically be taken away, would anything remain

Take away the pain
Take away the strain
Just what would remain

I am held together with the struggle
I am held together because of all I juggle

I am nothing but agony
I am nothing but depravity
I am nothing but blasphemy

Question's on my mind weigh
If you could take that away
Do it right here today

Would I cease to exist
Would I still be here in the midst
Would I be missed

For I am nothing but self loathing, agony, and pain
If it could magically be taken away, would anything remain

Take away the pain
Take away the strain
Just what would remain

I am held together with the struggle
I am held together because of all I juggle

I am nothing but agony
I am nothing but depravity
I am nothing but blasphemy

Question's on my mind weigh
If you could take that away
Do it right here today

Would I cease to exist
Would I still be here in the midst
Would I be missed

For I am nothing but self loathing, agony, and pain
If it could magically be taken away, would anything remain

What does it sound like when all hope is lost
It's a silent scream in the empty dark
No one knows what to you it cost
No one can see it's left it's mark
It happens when you're all alone
When you've tried everything but it doesn't matter
You just try to find a safty zone
But the voices in your head still chatter
Telling you, you can't make it through the day
And at night you plot your death
You are slowly starting to decay
You know on the inside there's nothing left
I know what the sound is when your last hope dies
It's but a mournful whimper
It's only seen in your eyes
It leaves you cold, it's a soul killer

What does it sound like when all hope is lost
It's a silent scream in the empty dark
No one knows what to you it cost
No one can see it's left it's mark
It happens when you're all alone
When you've tried everything but it doesn't matter
You just try to find a safty zone
But the voices in your head still chatter
Telling you, you can't make it through the day
And at night you plot your death
You are slowly starting to decay
You know on the inside there's nothing left
I know what the sound is when your last hope dies
It's but a mournful whimper
It's only seen in your eyes
It leaves you cold, it's a soul killer

When I get old and live with my kids
I'm gonna do all the things that they did
I'll get up way before dawn
I will be their human alarm
I scream I'm hungry in the wee morning hours
I will complain when it's time to take a bath or shower
I'll scribble my latest creation on the walls
And on the siding I'll bounce all my *****
I'll spill my milk, so the cat can drink
I won't scrap my plate, when I put it in the sink
I'll refuse to eat my veggies and meat
And if able, run wild in the street
I'll set real close to the tv, blocking their view
Clicking all the channels before I am through
I will change clothes a million times a day
And when I'm done, on the floor they will lay
And when they have taken about all they can stand
I will say "I love you" while I'm holding their hand
And at night when I am fast asleep
In my door they will creep
And softly say "doesn't she look so innocent and sweet"
As they gently cover up my feet

That magically moment when something unexpected
All most impossible happens
It makes you question everything you've been taught
About the universe and the world
You for just an instant
See the world through the eyes of your inner child
When EVERYTHING was possible.

Everytime I try to bask in the sun
Everything comes unraveled and undone
The light Only burns me and makes me blind
Always falling farther behind

What is the secret to a happy life
I need to know mines only been strife
I have thoughtful plotted my days
Time has showed me others control my ways

Even when I've only let family in
They still committed egregious sin
Living all alone doesn't let happiness be
I'm so confused that I can't see

I opened my heart once again
Only to get it shattered within
I done all I can so where is happiness found
I think mine is hidden under ground

When I preform my finale deed
On that day I die and they plant me like a seed
I think I'll find it that's where it will be
The only place where there is true glee

Everytime I try to bask in the sun
Everything comes unraveled and undone
The light Only burns me and makes me blind
Always falling farther behind

What is the secret to a happy life
I need to know mines only been strife
I have thoughtful plotted my days
Time has showed me others control my ways

Even when I've only let family in
They still committed egregious sin
Living all alone doesn't let happiness be
I'm so confused that I can't see

I opened my heart once again
Only to get it shattered within
I done all I can so where is happiness found
I think mine is hidden under ground

When I preform my finale deed
On that day I die and they plant me like a seed
I think I'll find it that's where it will be
The only place where there is true glee