I hate this time of night
When nothing seems quite right

The silence sets in, it's a deafening roar
Everything about this time of night I deplore

It's like stepping into a dark abyss
To live all alone and cold like this

The house is hauntingly lonely
With only my demons to console me

Agonizing coldness greets me under the covers
I take my little pills, anything that smothers

The terrifying nightmares that await
When I step through sleeps drowsy gate

But no matter what I seem to do
These nagging nightmares still pursue

Awake most the night, again it seems
Till the sun shines thorough my window it's beams

Wonder how long I can go without sleep
Before the secrets I hide begain to seep

Out of my mind and on to the pages
And everyone sees the battles that rages

But that's ok I think they already have
And the only one that can judge me is Yahve

She left on that Desert highway
Running at top speed
She didn't stop for days
She wanted to end the bleed

Took a few left turns
She found herself lost
She had watched it all burn
Her soul had paid the cost

Her wildness enthralling
As in darkness she was drown
Storms of memories falling
Screaming silence the sound

Do not try to follow
Disappearing into herself, leaving only a blur
She'd taken all she could swallow 
With this life she  never did concur

©Pauline Russell

Remember everything heaven sent
Is a little bent

I live in a land
Where slowly time stands
The days are extending
They seem never ending
And our sweltering summer's
Are hot than mothers

But we don't give a ****
We just drive our old truck
Down to the old swimming hole
Or grab the faithful fishing pole

We sip on some beer
Or liquid that's clear
We have fun with family and friends
And when the day is at an end
We look to the west
Where the view is the best

We watch over fields that smell sweet
From the soybeans, corn, and wheat
For the sun touches the earth
And soon gives birth
To the most vibrant light show
Yellow, red, pink, and gold

It illuminates the sky till it reaches the other side
You can't help but sigh
As the day slips on by
Darkness and sky meet
And to our house's we retreat

Because I live in a land you still can have some fun
Even after the work days done
Southern Illinois
I wish you could enjoy
Stay for an evening
And you'll never be leaving

She takes a walk out among the trees
She's desperate to feel the cool breeze
The leaves make a sharp crunching as she walks on them
Even with the reds, oranges, and yellows, of her favorite time of year are not enough her thoughts are grim
The day on which her mother died is coming up soon
Another empty spot in her heart's rooms
She just had to die on Halloween day
Two things at once taken away

The woods she so enjoyed romping around in now she trudges through
The are tainted for she was ***** and this is where he dragged her to

A cold drizzle starts to fall
And in her head is deaths call
The bottle of pills in her pocket rattles
Reminding her of all her hard fought battles

Just days ago she was in love
Happily thinking of things to come
After thousands of messages proclaiming he's feelings
It only took one to show his true dealings
It left her heart bleeding

With everything taken away that gave her a small ounce of a smile
She decided to come out to her woods and think for awail

She sat down on the cold mossy ground
And took a good hard look around
Visions of hatred, love, loss, and invasion
Made her feel like her head was caving in
Her heart ached so bad within her chest
She couldn't take any more of what life had left

She took the bottle out of her pocket
Took off his locket
Took two mouthful of pills
Getting rid of her ills
She washed them down
Laying the necklace he gave her on the ground

She sat and listened to the song birds tweets
Here in her wooded retreat
She slowly got tired, she leaned against the tree
The autumn colors was the last thing she would see
But there was a smile on her face
As her spirit slipped silently away out into space

Put me in the night
Hide me out of sight
Put me on an island
Or in an asylum
Put me a hole
For my wretched soul
Put me in the tallest tree
So no one can see
Fling me in the ocean
So they haven't a notion
Paint me camouflage
So I'm just a mirage
Put me on a boat
That doesn't stay afloat
Put me on a cliff
Send a wind that is stiff
Put me in a ravine
Where I'll never be seen
Put me on the moon
So I won't come back soon
Put me in the sky
We know that I can't fly
Put me in a car
That takes me very far
Put me in a shack
Where I refuse to come back
Put me in the rain
So I might become sane

Found my favorite razor just the other day
I have a feeling it will soon come into play
As anxiety, agony, and depression on me heavily weigh

I have a wicked mind with ugly thoughts
Belive me when I say, I know the cost
But I keep thinking of all I lost

Happiness and beauty, was replaced with treachery and scars
All that I have lived through has left me marred
Now I am nothing more than flaws

So again I'll ride the crimson tide
Cut it all out nothing left to hide
I'll let it flow, enjoy the ride

I'm sinking fast, no hand to hold
Isn't that always how the story goes
Getting knocked down, blow after blow

No need to get up this time I see
Life's agony wont let me be
So I'm just gonna lay there and bleed

Till there is nothing left
Let my soul be swept
Into the great unknown, death I totally accept

There are monsters all around my dear
Let me make myself perfectly clear

They live on the land, they live on the sea
There's two for you, three for me

There's no escape, no place to hide
It's a slippery *****, you can feel the slide

If your not careful they'll get inside
That's when you'll wish you would of died

©Pauline Russell

As soon as the words pass my lips
I feel a cold fear that grips
I thought compassion, and empathy was my curse
But this is much, much worse

I feel it sink in
That cursed brunt symbol
Entered my skin
I don't understand why
But the blazing pain makes me utter a small cry
I want to scream make the birds take flight
But I don't want to fight

With the symbol sunk into my soul below
Somehow I just know
The Dark Lord is on the prowl
I pull closer my cowl
I can hear in the far distance he's beasts blood curdling howl

I look where the branded scar use to be
But now there are just smooth dark lines to see
The darkness of that symbol is now inside and out
To the Heavens in red hot rage I want to shout
What the hell is this curse all about

Instead I quit myself from within
I must find my zen
To protect this brave knight he must stay out of sight
He must rest before he finishes his plight
I don't want so soon to take flight
So I enchant this place, the trees twist and bend
They form a tight entangled twisted thorny dome, nothing can get in
But from the darkest evil we're still prone

I lay my weary aching body down by the fire
Contemplating how I'd got ****** into this mire
It wasn't long before my body gave in and my eyes retired
Asleep only for minutes when I was startled awake
Did I hear a noise, I wasn't sure I laid there to sense our fate
Hearing nothing more I almost relaxed till that shiver started to creep up my spine I didn't want to look, I didn't want to find

But fear like an misty black fog started to roll over my soul
This fear I didn't want to know
Like a storm cloud with a million little lighting bolts
It was passing through my body with a jolt
All striking my skin, a million shocks electrifying and multiplying my fear
I knew the Dark Lord was drawing near

A darkened soul, with a touch of beauty no doubt
Beautiful inside, because of the scars on the out
The pain can not be locked
Inside
Cuz if it was we would surly die
So the wounds leak with blood in thin lines
The fear within,it just grinds
But what a beautifully sad soul that's locked inside
Waiting patiently for someone to find

Do you believe in destiny
That things just have to be
Or do you think you're in control
Dericting the way your life goes

Do you think things will bend to your will
Do you have that much skill
That you can delay
Or change the way

Can you not see the hands of fate
That everything has a set date
The universe you can not sway
We all get swept away

So enjoy the ride
For you and destiny will collide
At times there will be tears
But we only have a set number of years

So laugh through the pain
Dance in the rain
Hold on to the ones that you love and that love you back
Before it all just fades to black

I got your lovely flowers today
I watched as you knelt and swept the leaves away
I watched you cry as you laid them down
You stayed knelt there on the ground
For awail your soft crying was the only sound

Then you started talking, telling me you was sorry
But I didn't need your apology
I understood you couldn't come around more often
I loved when you found the time to stop in
It's ok we didn't spend more time togeather, life got in the way
I still love you even now, today

Don't want your tears
I know the future you fear
You think with the passing years
That I wont be near
But I promise my child, I will be
Just look you'll see

I'll be in the wind that moves the hair from your face
I'll be the flame that warms you in the fireplace
I'll be the rain that kisses your lips
I'll be the light when the darkness grips
I'll be that soft whisper in your ear
I'll do all I can to let you know I'm near
When your sad with eyes cast down
I'll leave you feathers and pennies to be found

My child you don't need to leave your flowers
Or to set here and cry and cower
For all that remains in the grave is my bones
I'm everywhere you roam
So dry your eyes my sweet child, lets go home

You carry with you a blackened sky
Not everyone can see it, but it's in your eyes
It's in the very heart of your being
I hear the sorrowful song your singing
You hide it well
Your personal hell
But I have my own, I can tell
I can feel your pain's tide ebb and swell
It threatens to pull you under
I too hear that thunder
We are creatures connected by darkness
The beast of Hell have marked us
You try to hide this from the world
As your life spirals and whirls
It's exhausting, I know for a fact
For everday your taken aback
Living life under that blackened sky
You can hide it, except from your eyes

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night
With panic gripping your heart tight

Have you ever seen the shadows walk the halls
Or seen the black marks they leave upon your walls

Have you ever heard their growls or hisses
Or felt on your skin their dark kisses

Have you ever shut your bedroom door tight
But they still pass through to give you a fright

Have you ever felt the fear dripping from the ceiling
Have you ever had that awful feeling

Have you ever had your demons play
Outside your head that way?

When everything goes wrong
And life is singing her sad, sweet song

I run to you, and you're loving, strong arms
Where I know nothing harms

You say "it's ok, it's all right
Come here baby, let me hold you tight"

"Let me chase the darkness away
For my love for you grows stronger everyday"

"For with me by your side
We can weather the rising tide"

So when depression rears it's vicious black head
And I'm facing that old daunting dread

I will reach for your capable hand
And togeather we can make that stand

My days of falling crumbled on the floor
Screaming out in agony, will be no more

For I washed upon your beautiful shore
My life is no longer a nightmare, no longer a chore

I guess I finally paid all my dues
For the universe finally gave me, you

I had prayed for true love many a years
Begaining to believe no one in the heaven  truly hears

When I had finally given up and given in
The deepest darkness was replacing the light from within

You road in on your poetic white horse
Forever changing my life's pitiful course

Now I have true love, that is soul connected
The kind I'd only read about, the thought I'd rejected

Babe no matter what happens in the future
My love for you will always remain, as we travel through lives' wonderful adventure

Will you take me for a ride
Blast the radio, as around the curves we slide
Will you listen to my story
Hold me tight when it gets gory
Will you be there, guide me
When in the darkness I can't see
Will tell me everything will be all right
You'll stand by me wail I fight
Will you bake me a cherry pie
When I have a sweet tooth, put a smile in my eyes



That's ok
You can go away
I'm to broken
The Lord has spoken
My edges are to sharpened
Only demons harken
I would only slice you apart
That would break my heart

On gossamer wings she took flight
But the winds of change tore those delicate wings apart
She fell to the hard earth, a terrible sight
The wolfs descended upon her and tore out her heart

As she laid bleeding out in the dirt
Wishing her wings would of been made of steel
Then she wouldn't have these feeling of hurt
To the Gods she made an appeal

Please replace my heart with one of stone
So it couldn't be shattered by a simple storm
And never again would feelings be known
The Gods took pity and she was tranformed

Never again to be a delicate child
But a stone cold creature
She was as beautiful as she was wild
Her rock hard heart, indeed her best feature

Her gossamer wings gone
She would never fly
Being with out them made her strong
She never again would fall from the sky

The winds of change could roar
But she could take it's toll
That couldn't break her anymore
With that heart of stone she could just roll

Take this broken bowl
You made so very long ago
She is such a terrible sight to behold
Please take her off the shelf She's been sitting there all by herself
She's so very much alone
Battle cracked and worn
I know she's broken in many places
But please show her your good graces
Fill in the spaces
With potters sands
With your loving Godly hands
Patch the holes
Within her soul
With your mighty wisdom make her whole
Like you did once so long ago
Shine her with your glory
So she may go tell your story
Of how she was so broken
But your love over her you've spoken
And her sin's have been cast in to the ocean
And now she is new again
Even though she was born in to sin
She did not have to stay and descend
But now basks in the lights
Of your heavenly sights
As once again her spirt takes flight

The view from Hell is the most gorgeous of all
Brightest most vibrant blue sky above the fall
But in my ears is the demons call

Leaves of every autumn color fill the trees
If only I could feel the crisp cool breeze
Maybe then my burning flesh could ease

What I wouldn't give to feel the energies of the season's changing again
But I'm falling further into Hell, much to my chagrin
And against these demons there is no way to defend

So I'll enjoy the view
With all of it's diffrent hues
Till I'm blinded by the darkness, left without a clue

Emotionally
Hemorrhaging feelings within
A trillion tears cried

Is tonight the end
Of another friend
Will his candle blow out
I so want to shout
Does he know his pain I feel
And that pain is very real
We've never meet in a place
Nowhere here but this space
But a friend in depression sealed
With the darkness so steeled
Please don't let me lose
Another one to the darkest muse

Steel nuts in a paper sack
You'd think they fall out but they don't
You'll see in ***** I don't lack
I'll stand my ground, backing down I won't

I'm a woman, with the reckless abandonment of a man
Not afraid of taking care of what needs to be done
Saying whats on my mind I will and can

With me you'll know exactly what I think
I'm not like the shifting sand
Even as I balance on the brink
You can see I never ran

I can deal with me and mine, and even yours
Be it a fight or a blessing
I'll stay true to the core
You'll never catch me resting

If you want a confrontation
I'll be there toe to toe
I'll gladly drowned you in information
Showing you just how much you don't know

I have ***** of steel
Protected by a paper sack
I possess an unbreakable will
In a soft fragile shell wrapped

I  nearly forgot my broken part
Till you took a blowtorch and cauterized my heart
You devastated me with your art

Don't think of yourself as smart
In love my brain from my heart departs
I always put the horse behind the cart

This silence is brutally violent
The voices in my head went silent
My thoughts continue to race
They stir no emotion, just empty space
A pulverized heart keeps beating
The thumping in my chest keeps repeating
The wells in my eyes have ran dry
No more tears will be cried
Not a thing to keep me reeling
No emotion, no feelings
I'm afraid I've succumbed
Laying on a bed of thorns, feeling nothing but numb

We are all imprisoned here in this space of time
We are all hunting for a love that is divine
We are all longing for a love to let us be
We are all searching for that love to set us free

We want to find the one where our mask can fall away
We want to find the one that will love us everyday
We want to find the one that accepts us as we are
We want to find the one that loves our every flaw

Some of us find it early in life and grow old with our love
Some of us are still searching for signs from up above
Some of us found the wrong love but are willing to try again
Some of us have given up and are just waiting for this sorrowful life to end


Sometimes it takes years and lessons to be learned
Sometimes it takes years to get all that we so yearn
Sometimes it takes only a day, for another's heart to come in to play
Sometimes it takes only a day for another's heart to finally hear what we've had to say

It doesn't matter how the world sees you
For the world is quite subdued
It set's the limit of what is acceptable
What is regrettable
What is transposable
What is disposable

All that matters is how the people in your life view you
Are you loud, are you crude
Are you brazen,are you rude
Or are you the voice that soothes

Do you do your very best
To make other's feel blessed
Even though your more than stressed
With your own life a ****** up mess

Do they see your strength, does it show
Even through your hope was gone long ago
Do you still brave each day
Fighting there, in the gray

Can they find the hope you lost
Do they see you go on, no matter the cost
Do they love you anyway
Even when your in the hole, do they stay
Stand beside you night and day
Love you, even when you're in the sway

When depression takes your hand
Leads you to it's lonely land
By you then, do they still stand
Do they hold you close, do all they can

Or do they scatter
Leavening you to feel you don't matter
Making you out to be the Mad Hatter

Can you take off your disguise
Will they think you unwise
Not to continue your "happy" lie
Can they withstand the agony and sorrow in your eyes

If you do, and they can't
There will be no need to feel bad and rant

For when you drop your mask you'll find
You simply had friends of the wrong kind
Then you can leave the others far behind
As new friends start to unwind

Days like today
In my darkened way
I just sit,rock, and sway

I rock to the rhythm of my lifes sorrowful song
This feelings so wrong, so strong
In this inky state of mind
Any minut goodness is hard to find

There's hatred and self doubt
I HATE THE WAY I FEEL...I just want to shout
But there's no one here to hear anyway
So I sit and I cry and I sway

My thoughts bleed all over the place
You can plainly see them on my face
I'm such a disgrace
To the whole human race

This depression is heartless
Bringing only darkness
On days like today
My body and soul cry
It just leeks out my eyes

The sadness and darkness intertwine
It makes living feel like a crime
I'm so utterly clueless
Fighting it seems so useless

This is a bad one
I don't know where it came from
At lest with a trigger I know where I stand
Today I just feel like I have a brand
That tells the dakness to fall
That I don't belong after all

Most the time it's my fault
Always in the path when the bullet's shot
All I have to show
Is a heart full of bullet holes

Sitting on this shelf
Drowning in myself
I think that I'm in hell
**** this flesh made cell

I've got something to tell
Thoughts to dark, my head's not well
It wasn't supposed to be this way
I've got something to say

Broken as a child
Sent my spirit wild
Parties, ***** and pills
Trying to cure my ills

I've got something to tell
Thoughts to dark, my head's not well
It wasn't supposed to be this way
I've got something to say

Relationships with broken men
All of them, barbarian
I left them far behind
Took care of me and mine

I've got something to tell
Thoughts to dark, my head's not well
It wasn't supposed to be this way
I've got something to say

Children grown
I'm all alone
Darkness grows
Sorrow shows

I've got something to tell
Thoughts to dark, my head's not well
It wasn't supposed to be this way
I've got something to say

Sitting on this shelf
Drowning in myself
I think that I'm in hell
**** this flesh made cell

©Pauline Morris

I never was warned
Now I'm stuck on the horns

I'm burning in the fire
Stuck in the mire

Each choice will pierce
This decision is fierce

This situation is dire
My brain is going haywire

It's about to expire
What an awful quagmire

The universe against me is conspiring
With all it guns locked and loaded, it's firing

It's aiming straight at my heart, my head
I swear it wants me dead

Such an enigma
On the horns of a dilemma

©Pauline Russell

Make the cut, make it deep make it wide
There's nothing left, nothing to hide
Let all that's in me come outside

**** this life
**** this strife
**** everything that's rife

Give me the gun, I'll plant the bullet
In the head or in the gullet
Triggers stiff, but I'll still pull it

**** this life
**** this strife
**** everything that's rife

Theres no mercy on the edge of the blade
Look at the mess this life has made
All my dreams have been mislaid

**** this life
**** this strife
**** everything that's rife

I'm so lonely, in this hell
The darkness has me under it's spell
Can't you hear the toll of the bell

**** this life
**** this strife
**** everything that's rife

For this darkness I don't need to spread
So I'll just lay here in my bed
Watching the sheets trun red

Words unshaved
Lost in the daze
Here again
In a tailspin
Sutured heart
Ripped apart
To much gave
Head just caves

He grew up just him and his poor mother
No sweet sister, no rough and tumble brother
His Dad was M.I.A.
It happened in the usual way

But he didn't care
A cub never needs a father bear
His mother sufficed
Taught him wrong from right

He had it all figured out
He knew without a doubt
He had watched the rich kids laugh and joke
While in property he wallered and choked

So he studied hard and got good grades
In college he didn't party, never went to any raves
Got a corporate job, had a 3 figure income
He had money to pay bills, buy cars and then some

He took care of his mom till she passed away
He learned a great lessons on that rainy gray day
Money couldn't stop his mom from dying
Grown men where not above crying

The years quickly passed, he was married to his job
To those less fortunate he was a snob
On the streets he never gave the bums a secound look
If they had only took a page out of his book

He thought money was the way to happiness
Those he thought of as sad always had less
He had forgot about the lesson of the stone with it's dashes
Then the day came when the stock market crashes

He should of invested his time in a family
Instead of that money tree
For soon all his money was gone
Things in his life was going all wrong
His job disappeared, along with his home
Soon on the streets he had to roam

Now he was one of the despised
But on the streets he truly grew wise

Through hardship he found true friends
The ones that would help you to no end
For they know the pain of need
There was never any thought of greed

He was astonishingly amazed
That even with the poverty that he was grazed
He was happier now
Than chasing that cash cow

A good woman found him
His future then didn't look so grim
Years passed and they married
Over their rundown apartment threshold, her he carried
Soon it was babies in his arms
He truly knew now his vision of life had been wrong

Now he knew
Where it was that happiness grew
In the hearts of ones you loved and cared for
Being rich or being poor was both a chore
It's all just clatter
Unless to someone else you matter

Sometimes depression hits me like a ton of bricks
And when that happens the blood runs thick
I'm trying to find reasons for my life story to go on
Maybe this will be my final song
Think I'll just take the razor and bleed along
I'm tired of the darkness
This might be my catalyst

©Pauline Russell

I couldn't take anymore of the earthly ways
Or the games that people play
So I've given up this very day

I don't know what is in the great beyond
If it'll be chaos or if it'll be calm
I just know it's time for me to move along

I've done all I could in this realm
With all I've endured,  I'm overwhelmed
To take this final step I am compelled

So I'll start out my letter like all of us fallen do
"Just remember I'll always love you"
"I  just couldn't hold on,  with this life I am through"

My days spent with you
Are colored with the softest emotional hue
All in varying shades of blue
Of the sweet sadness that is you
A beautiful face graced with tears of dew
With the fullest lips that trembled when the pain grew
Your raven hair perfectly askew
To much of life's depravity you knew

To peer into those dark brown eyes
To witness their pleading question why
To hear that sorrowful quite sigh
Knowing that was your silent wish to die
Made this icicle heart melt and cry

There was nothing I could hide from your soul search gaze
It left my spirit lighter in so many ways
I no longer had to hide in the suns rays
I was free to dance in your darkening daze

Your beautiful sadness, graced you like pure black snow
Sure as the creek's slow flow
Goodness and love was all you would show

For your wounded soul knew
How misfortune could hunt you down and ensue
Leaving the feeling of happiness taboo
But with beautiful sadness you'd push through
As the universe's arrows struck and flew

You forever changed my vision
Unlocked me from the world's made prison
Loving you was not a choice nor a decision
You essence swept me into blissful submissions

It turned out to be my soul's deepest desire
To see the beauty in the muck and the mire
To accept the pain while in the midst of the fire
To wear sorrow with pride, like the robes of the heavenly choir

You allowed me to see beauty in the darkness
That the pain and agony does not tarnish
The beauty in the darkness remains regardless
If only to the darkness
It's beautiful view you harken

Waiting on the fog to lift, the smoke to clear
Fighting off the fear
Of what will be revealed
Of what fate and the universe has sealed
Waiting to see how the deck is stacked
What part of me will soon be attacked

Will it be my head again
That gray matter is already in a spin
Will it be my heart
Although I can't find a piece, a part
Will it be my flesh
With all of it's scars, no space is unused, or freash
Or will it be my spirit
Does it not already know that's broken too, I hear it

So universe go ahead, go to it
I'll be here waiting for more of your ****
I won't give you the pleasure of knocking me down
I'll already be lying on the ground
I won't hide, I'll be easy to find
My death certificate already signed
Me and the Grim Reaper will be having tea
My white flag is already raised, so let be what's gonna be

Mind, nothing more than a swollen abscess
With long forgotten memories, pressed down and repressed
With enough pressure, the accuser becomes the accused
As agony is seared in, and infused
Childhood stolen, of ignorance deprived
Innocence lies rotting where it was buried alive

©Pauline Russell

Walking on a sheet of glass
Each step brings spider web cracks
How much longer will it hold
Just how far will it let me go
Some days I tread lightly
Hoping it will crack just slightly
But days like today I jump
Ready to test out my luck
Really hoping it will shatter
So on the rocks below I splatter
But of course it held
So I'll just stand and yell
Till someone hears my cry
And rescues me form the sky
And my growing wish to die

She sits alone contemplating her place within this universe
She thought about her live in reverse
Trying to figure out how she had got to this place
Sitting on the bridge, legs dangling into space

She stares into the crystal clear water
In her mind there would never be any imprimatur
She is in conflict of what to do
She slowly kicks off one shoe
To count how long it takes to splash down
If the concrete like water didn't **** her, would she drown

She looked out across the river to watch her last sunset
Thinking of a tragic events she couldn't forget
It was such a soft purple that got more vibrant to a bight pink center
The frost nipped at her nose, and now exposed toes, soon it would be winter

She examines her situation still not sure why
But then again everybody dies
Does our energy escape our corpses
Jets off into the cosmos and courses
Or our we just nonexistent forever in the black void
Both of these thoughts makes her overjoyed

She cracks a slight smile the first in years
In the last of autumn's sun she basks, she has no more fears
She kicks off her other shoe, grabs hold of the cold steel frame
There will be no more living in darkness and shame

She carefully climbs up on to the rail
She didn't want to fall backwards, she didn't want to fail
She spread her arms wide out to her side
Took one more look at the sky, let go and let her body glide
It was the very first time she felt free
Sheer fleeting secounds of glee

She didn't feel the bone crushing impact
As her head wide open cracked
Her body started to slowly sink
Life had pushed her past the brink
Bubbles at the surface forms as the air escapes her lungs

I hope the galaxy gives her life energy hugs
Or if in the dark abyss
I hope shes found rest, either way I know she found bliss
For her wretched life she wont miss

The sun lights up the liquid gold leaves
My favorite part of fall is the dying of tree's
Most like the spring, and things coming to life
Guess it gives them hope, and eases their strife
But I see the circle, and the beauty of dying
The letting go and moving on, no more sighing
So I'll sit and watch the beauty unfold
And think about loved ones I lost not so long ago
And hope some day I'll follow in their steps
And witness the beauty in the dying and death

Help me, help me
You have till the count of three

Help me, help me
It's more than just a plea

Help me, help me
Or my brains you might see

Help me, help me
One.. two.. three...

         BANG

To late, to late
The gun I just ate

©Pauline Russell

I've broken through my outer wall
Only to find a cliff from which to fall
I think I'll run and jump
Maybe then my heart will pump
With an adrenaline rush of being free
Finally a smile on my face, a glimpse of glee
I know I'll hit the bottom, I always do
But this time there will be no need for glue
I'll savour the air passing by
I won't even close my eyes
I'll watch the ground rush up
This life was just to corrupt
Now I know whats on the other side of my wall
I'll leap instead of fall

Heaven is but a dream
Reminding her life is nothing but mean
Freedom is but a fleeting thought
Just a spider's web in which to get caught

Dripping like hot molten rock
Liquid gold it just won't stop
Dropping like rose petals to the ground
The splashes of red is all around

I've seen that face
So full of sorrow and disgrace
I've seen scars like those before
The demons are poring through the door

Let them come, I don't care anymore
Living has become to much of a chore
I scream and yell, trying to get someone to care
But no one will, learned long ago life is so very far from fair

So I'll take my pills
There suppose to cure my ills
But they don't, nothing will
Living my life takes to much skill

Anguish is over running my cup
I'm so very close to giving up
So if you don't see me come tomorrow
You'll know I couldn't take the sorrow

So ****** up I'm just roaming
I don't even know what driction I'm going

Trying so desperately to hold on
But I'm feeling to much like a pawn

When these little pills call my name
Again I am reclaimed

It seems I may have took to many
My world is spinning

I'm trying to enjoy the ride
But I feel the slipping I feel the slide

My head is spinning, I can't walk
I close my eyes and welcome the dark

I'm watch my lifes slide show once again
I can see way I'm standing on the rim

Going down and I can't swim
So I open my mouth and let more of those sweet pills in

I'll lay here and see where they take me this time
I'm just looking for the sublime

I'm playing my dangers game again of standing on the ledge
Watch me balance on the knives edge

This way if I fall it's not my fault
In the call of the drugs I was caught
My insides are all ready in a rot
So death is realy what is sought

But that's my secret don't tell a soul
So I balance on the edge to see which way I go
I'll push the limit a few more pills
A twisted way to get some thrills
I hear the call
A few more
I'm ready
For the
Fall

You make happiness look so easy to achieve
It almost makes me believe
That there might be Something more for me
But we where dealt different cards
My problems fiercely followed and bombard
In this harsh game called life
I was dealt from the straight blade knife

Human monster's never claimed you in your youth
Your parents love was only there to sooth
A warm family and many friends
Always greeted you with warm hugs and grins
You never knew loss, only wins
You never seen the circling of shark fins

Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge your happy life
I'm glad the universe with you had no gripe
I only ask you don't judge where I stand
For human monsters have always had my hand
Dragging me into their agonizing lands
Till I was foever stuck in depressions quicksand

I would just like for you to acknowledge my pain is real
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, this darkness is sealed
It's not make belive in my head, it's the scars on my heart, in my memories, on my skin
The monsters keep coming there is no end

We where delt from diffrent decks
We are nothing but universal specks
You were dealt better cards
Mine from the start was marred
I don't judge or envy you
I don't want sympathy, all I ask is you give me the respect I'm due

The rhythm of my poems is my broken heart beat
To express my agony is what I seek
No formal training have I had
It all comes out the good and the bad

The ink is my blood, I let it soak my page
Sometimes it comes out as rage
Sometimes it's just sad, and tugs at the heart
But every single poem, of me is a part

Sometimes the ink runs that is my tears
I tell my story, I let you look at my fears
Sometimes my inks sticky that is my blood
Sometimes my poems are like a flood
Sometimes the inks salty that is my sweat
My poems some will not get

Sometimes my poems scare
But I don't care
My poems my heart and my life
It's always been full of strife

I'm not one to tell you everything will be fine
And in doing so I'm being kind
You read enough of my writings
You'll see that I'm fighting

One day at a time, I write it all down
In my poems my life is found
It's all on the page
My agony, my fear, and my rage
If my poems make you feel something
Then it was worth all the suffering

So close to the edge and about to step over
Then I can rest under that sweet clover
The fall will be like flying
With the sweet release of dying
I only see the sorrow stopping
With my body dropping
I'm so tired of the gray
I just want it all to go away
I can't take another catastrophe
The demons won't let me be
So I'll step behind the veil  
Because I already live in hell

Leave the past behind you they say
You'll be much better off that way

But they really have no clue
Of the one that does pursue
If in my past he would stay
I'd celebrate that day

Because one of my mistakes
Made sure in my future he had a stake
He's the ***** donor of three of my kids
An abusive alcoholic, that still seems to have more to give

He finds me every two or three years
To see if he can rise my fears
I never wish harm upon another human
But he left my life in ruins

I was lucky enough to escape
His clutch
But he still seeks me out to keep in touch
To make sure the scars haven't healed to much

And make new ones of his choosing
He knows exactly what he's doing
I've sent him to jail many a time
But the punishment never fits the crime
And if your wonder why it is now, he's on my mind
Well,it's been three years and it's just about my birthday
And I'm sure his on his way!!!