Nothing’s alright.
Everything upside down.
Nothing to hold on to.
Everything that used to be important is not anymore.
All pieces flying around me.
Which one to grab here, I don’t know.
So I just walk on.....
You just walk on.....
Falling together but in different directions.
Please bring us back together.

But nothing’s alright and I try to just survive.
You try to just survive.
But my body’s sick and tired and your house is on fire.
Everything is gone.
Everything that was just enough to still be ok.
Now we are blindly searching.
Let us find each other at the end if we can’t stick together.
I’m lonely and tired.
You are tired and in need of space to wind down.
And I’m down.

There’s nothing left to hold on to.
It will always go some way.
But it’s never been easy for you.
Never been easy or ok for me.
All the pieces flying.
All that was still standing completely falls.
The waves are so high now.
Still not fully drowning, still rowing.
Not knowing where to.
Somewhere.
Still somewhere hopefully together at some point, some ship.
I’ll find you.
You’ll find me.

You deserve a fighter.
For all that you give.
I know I am one.
You and I, we give what we can.
Some days I’m too weak to do much at all.
Survival is even a task that seems too much to ask.
Other days I got enough strength left to build something new, alone or together.
With you.
But you are the reason I’m still standing.
Or crawling if I have to, bursting from pain.
Pain that never goes away.
It runs through my family and me.
We can all only do our best.
You were made to be a hero.
I was made to fight a never ending war.
It only teaches lessons, makes us understand things.
Makes us see every side.
Every side there is to life and hopefully we’ll use it.
The growth and knowledge.
We know what it is like to fight, you and I.
Now you’re in my war.
A respectable soldier,
a clever brave fighter.
My reason to keep going.
There’s still a mission.
I’m crying cause I can’t escape.
We drag each other through the mud.
Just to come out alive, just to watch the war continue.
With the music playing.

Maybe I no longer want to fight.
Not looking like I just got out of battle most of the time.
Some days I want to be clean and at peace even when I'm still sad.
I want to be able to walk in a long dress with long dark hair waving around my face.
No tears or blood streaming.
I am a raven but I'm also a woman.
I want to walk with an old lover.
Or a good friend.
Through the field and sing songs even when they're sad.
Not always screaming through the pain.
But walk barefoot on the grass and embrace all the beauty that's surrounding us.
Not be blinded by my tired flooded eyes.
Not lie there exhausted by myself in a half dead place with my shoes full of mud.
My strength always being spent.
My head always swollen, covered in red.
Teeth grinded from the pain.
I want to fly as I walk in peace to the sounds that are meant to be.
Meant to heal.
Meant to nourish the soul.
And I want to share this feeling with the source instead of sharing an explosion of pain.
Every day.

✨⭐️🩵💙💜HOPE is all we’ve got when life’s rough. Accepting things are not how we wish them to be. But they feel better in dreams sometimes. And you forget about pain that you carry. You meet people and hug them. And it’s so intense. Like a drink to a song times a 1000. Or more. You don’t know anything else. Let that hope be that dream. And that dream be that HOPE 💜💙🩵⭐️✨

The differences only hurt when you can’t read me.
So you keep asking me to read you pages...
It takes forever this way.
But it’s all we’ve got.
And it feels like I did read your book somewhere...
But not completely.
I think I missed a lot of details.
Maybe I shall go back and read some more.
Although it gets so hard to focus.
I’m so extremely tired.
I think I see those lines in your eyes and I hear them in your voice.
Hopefully your eyes won’t turn into mine.

Why does life always have to feel so freaking uncomfortable?!
I want to overwhelm my life the way it overwhelms me sometimes.
I want to be the magic in the magic too.
Not feeling like sinking to the bottom everytime, everyday and night
The bottom can be beautiful too though but it’s not light.

I don’t want to cry around 6 am because of the pain that I’m in.
Keeping you awake.
Life ******* me up, ******* your life up.

I didn’t get comfy so I try to wake up.
You’re doing everything, losing sleep and try to comfort me.
It’s impossible but it helps.

I’m sorry.
It just hurts.
Life hurts.
Waking up burns, my body aches and my head breaks…
**** that!
**** life ******* up.
We are strong but I’ve been over it.

For too long.
So I don’t feel that strong anymore, I feel so sore.
You almost can fix everything so you took a challenge.

Not that you will ever try to “fix me”, you can fix the wrong things sometimes.
And I try to find a way through life again when it’s ******* me over.
There’s no “;”, it did get better but it won’t be over.

Over and over, overwhelming and hard.
Painful and rough.

You hold me in the mud flood while it’s chocking me.
And so you can’t sleep.
So I’m sorry.
Peace is hard to find and when I do I lose it too easily.

That breaks me but I still want to be here too.
In your arms every night.

Do I make you happy?
Do I make you sad?
And happy?
How do I make you happy?
I gave up on happiness but I want to have good moments.
With you as much as possible, I hope that makes you happy.
If only for a moment, hopefully a little longer.

How can I make you happy when I don’t feel happy about life?
I just want to love you and be loved.
As long as we can.
One moment I’m sure we’ll make it, the next I’m just a mess of thoughts and feelings.
Cause I have no good experience with this.
Not sure that I can make you happy.

You wished for things to never be like that again.
And they did change.
They’re still hard, still feel bad.
Not as bad but still bad.

And you’re tired.
And it still feels very hard and bad everyday.
The essence stayed, your body and your head.
Which are more worn out than ever.
So things changed and are finally better.
But yet you suffer.

And it’s still very extremely hard to get through the days.
The nights are still rough.
But it will never be the same.
And one day all the pain will be gone.
And you’ve grown out of it and from it.
To never ever feel like that again.

To not let it ever exist to feel like that for anyone else.
Because the knowledge was gained and now it shall be gone, over and done with!
Murdered, moved on from.
Taken care of.

Slaughtered.
Understood.
Like a broken cycle.
Life on earth is about this.
And it keeps happening.

When it’s your time, do escape.
Don’t follow.
Don’t follow that trap.
All the traps.
Don’t fall for them next time when there won’t be time.

Just essence.
The real essence, you.
Pure passion.
Pure experience.
Pure creation.
No judgement.

No wishing but creating.
Just really feeling intensely.
Everything.
That’s the real truth.
This is just a journey, this world of rules.
A journey fitted for you, not by you.
It’s a battle, a task, a duty.
Everything you do.

Be real and free, go be it already.
Where possible.

When life is overwhelming and you don't know where anything and anyone is going to.....
The people that have your back are everything.
The places that calm you down are calling your name.
Everything else will happen as it will.
Keep loving, just do what you need to do.
And be you, completely you.
Walk your own way.

On good days I'd say: You win some you lose some.
But when will I be done learning?
When can I ever be ready for dying alone?
It saddens me so deeply.
There's nothing left.

A loveless death.
And one person who deserves it the least to see me leave.
When I was never there anyway.
And she suffers in same and different ways.
I need to leave but I dread it.
Tried it before, I really tried to, I pushed through.
Came right back every time.

Now it hurts to know that there's no hope or love left for me here.
No peace, no savety, no joy, no life.
Nothing but death waiting.
A lonely horrific way.
Nobody to help, nobody to hold on to while drifting far away.
Maybe if I try to picture it in my head: Me lying there with you.
Then it will all be ok.

I can't let it break me over and over.
Trying to die, life, trying to make it till the next day.
But death cannot be this painful cause I want to move away far.
Peacefully and happy to go.

Not in such sadness.
Dying as merciless as living, that's no way to go.
And on good days I say: You win some, you lose some.
When will I be ready to lose this life?

Trying to block out the pain, the noise, the restlessness.
With love.

Love, compassion and trust.
I have been resentful towards all the struggles.
But what does that bring to anyone or myself?
Although it’s very hard to let go of this feeling.

When I try to live but it’s been so rough and it still feels like that.
And I get distracted all the time from what I really want.
To do, to be, to send out.
I wish it was all over when it keeps not working.

And also because I know all about what it’s been like in the past.
What it felt like.
How I’ve been dead for years.

Because of true suffering and not sleeping.
Not getting myself together.
Not having the right environment.
No peace.

Always fighting.
With a bed.
With noise.
Discomfort.
Pain.
Thoughts.

That brain, it’s torture.
That brain that I tried to **** while feeling dead.

And I close my eyes and say: shhh.
Let me be free.
Or I sing or drink.
I sink into darkness.
Darkness that’s peaceful.

While still fighting.
Knowing about the fight.
It never leaves me fully.
Only when this brain dies.
And I will bring this knowledge to a place where it’s save.
Where I’m save.

Where I’m not dead.
But in love.
In love and free.

Letting go is a form of courage.
And so is not giving in when getting tortured.
Iron grinding.
Piercing burning captured body.
Scream!

I wanted to die soon but then I discovered new songs. 😄
Many came by today.
Even too many to keep track.
Now I just want to be in them.
One after another.
Like dying, in songs.

My ears feel like they’re bleeding.
I was sleeping.
But they started buzzing.
I needed that sleep.
And they’re not stopping.
Loud outside.

Head hurts now.
I’m frozen stiff.
Need to leave the world.
Everything is wrong.
The mattress moved and popped and now it’s not comfy.
So I got on the couch trying to get some rest.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m traumatized by how hard it is to find comfort I feel.

My ears are popping.
They are not stopping.
Wish I was still sleeping.

What should I do about the bed?
About making people tired or letting people down?
I’ll try to find solutions.
Try to stay calm.

I was already thinking last night like:

This world is nothing but a job.
I don’t feel alive.
Things are no longer new and exciting.

Today everything got worse so all I can do is trust there’s a reason….
Learning to live while not comfortable, experiencing feelings.
No certainty, maybe I will sleep or die from lack of rest.

Still I remain a dead person who hasn’t died.
Can I live in the moment?
I have so many thoughts about the next thing coming and the wrongs things…
Not every thought needs to become an action though but I cry inside and I don’t want to be here.
This is not my world at I’m tired of trying to fit in it.

Only in knowing this is temporary is where can find some peace.
I can’t live here well at all even though you are here with me.
You and I try so hard to make it right.
But it’s not.
And yet we try and sometimes it’s just fine.
Or even better.
But throughout the days and nights it’s battling without comfort.
And you try to share the comfort inside you.
And I see where I can change things.
From when I was born it’s only gotten worse.
And now I’m here.
Where you accept me while I’ve never accepted life.
I didn’t come out, I almost died as an infant.
This life was more than one, more than two in my mind.
It was never right.
And now it somehow should be while I’m still me.
And you know this all so well.
Even better than me.
You understand.
Yet you hold me.
Don’t let go, it’s a miracle.

And in the end after only hearing that SHE was the problem.
She could be nothing else.
And she also kept having problems no matter what she did.
No matter where she went and with whom.
So she became the problem while also having problems constantly.
Some problems worse that others.
In the end she got so tired of them and tired of being the problem.

She didn’t know how to ever get out of this cycle and overcoming the problems she kept on having.
They were there when she wanted to rest and they were there when she wanted to do something.

Even when she closed her eyes, covered her ears, cried.
Most of the time.
But she did have background music to play.
And danced to it, ran and sang.
She had some pretty great friends and her close family grew with her into people of knowledge.

Her friends as well, they all got wiser.
But they also had their battles.
And now that she has really become the problem she found herself unworthy, like a burden most of the time, she was still having these issues.

While she had many things that other people didn’t, that SHE didn’t have before.
But now she was still having problems being the problem.
And there was nothing left to see, nothing other than the problems and the problem.
The problem is her.

I wanted to be dead at 26. I’m 32 now. Still want to be dead at 26. Even though I did learn, grow and experience a lot. I don’t like life and who I’ve become. 😢😞

Why should I have to be positive to make it feel ok?
Let me just be me, it never feels right anyway.
I'm fighting on my own, trying to make the best of it.
But what if the world and I just do not fit?

I'm tired and everything aches when I'm alone.
Still going for walks and singing but I'm getting numb and never in the right zone.
When I'm with you I'm still trying even though it gets so freaking hard.
So love me hard even though I know it's hard and with me there's no moving forward.

I wish I could make a final decision.
End my mission.
I can't yet even though I want to so bad.
How can I ever be ready to go ahead?
Make it end forever.

And start something I don't remember or haven't seen yet ever.
I need to when I can.
Please be with me until then.
Then I'll always be with you.
No matter where I'll go to.

Don't tell me that I can change anything by changing my attitude.
My attitude is broken by this place and I can't break it again to somehow make it feel good.
Let me just be me.
You can't cure me with your stardust theory.

Like you can be in control.
By changing your own role.
And being ok within.
I can't shut off the world I'm in.

Actually it comes in hard as hell with Autism, OCD, being exhausted and depressed.
You can't shut it off even without these issues and if you could I'd be impressed.
So please let me be me and find my way.
And when I'm broken down again please try to love me anyway.

I'll always be a part of you and you're a part of me.
But nobody can cure me with any type of startdust theory.
A medication doesn't do it either, something needs to get out instead of being put in.
Let me do it my own way, that's actually how I find my strength within!

I want to bleed till I’m dry.
Never cry so hard again and just drown forever.

Be a corpse swallowed by the sand soaked by the rain.

Not like the sand that burned.
But let me crawl into the earth.

Walk through tunnels till I’m out.
Ready to fly, away from where my dead body lies deep.

I love the form I'm in today.
But I can't live here.
My bones are black.
I try to fly, even spread out my arms.

It's so hard and heavy for me to be.
And I wish I could at least spent the night not alone.
But it can't be because the days are too hard.
The nights too restless.

I'm too great of a mess if I even try to get ready.
For anything with anybody.
But my love is deep.
Like the blackness that I wear all over my body.
My black bones and dead eyes.

Arms spread open wide.
Should I just move my wings and go?
Everybody should be annoyed with me by now.
Yet my friends and family say they understand.
I try to help them through their hell as well where I can.

Nothing's certain or can be planned anymore.
Nobody knows what's the right thing to do.
So everybody tries their best.
But it hurts and now I'm too worn out and dark.

I live in the shadow of my soul.
When I spent the days alone.
Only that music sometimes lifts me up and gets me to spread my arms.
In the wind outside, I want to go!

But it's never the right moment.
There's always too much I'm leaving behind in this chaos.
But I am a mess, a heavy mess, dark, deep, black.
What I need is not here.

But those people that I need are.
Sometimes they need me too, they want me to be by their side.
And I want nothing more.
But how I wish I could just take them by the arm and hand with me to where there's peace.

Where we can all be save and free.
Without terror, horror, torture.
But you've got to be ready to leave everything you've ever known.
None of us have learned or seen beyond this place of the universe throughout our entire life on earth.

Do you ever look at people and wonder: Why do we think humans look normal?
We're used to it, it's all we know.
But how I wish I could just leave and take some people to a better place.
Or leave by myself that send a little signal.
Fight for peace so that this pain will never happen again!

I love the form I'm in today.
But I can't live here.
My bones are black.
I try to fly, even spread out my arms.....

Do you ever look at people and wonder: Why do we think humans look normal?
We're used to it, it's all we know.

Maybe the clock will be turned back on when it stops.
So I will crush it this time when it does.

Maybe the heart will live longer than the body.
So I’ll bury it with me forever.

My energy will be free.
It has to.

A life of everything.
Balanced for freedom.
Seen all possibilities, felt all the bad, gone through the motions.
I’m no longer bound.

So this time the clock will be crushed.
When it stops.

Nobody will be rushed back into a life on earth.
See what you will find this time.

A heart full of freedom and a garden of fruit.
Flowers and water, colors and moons.

Forever.
Like love in a dream with an Easter egg.
Filled with cream.
So tasty and you can eat all you want and smile.

Smile to the love of your life after life.

These are the cards you are dealt today.
Never easy.
Always trying hard to find a way to deal with them.

Same cards keep coming back.
You can’t get rid of them.
Some you will be able to throw away, some you only get sometimes and then they disappear again for a while.

What’s the end card? I wonder.
You can only see the cards revealing this world and not what’s next.

But what’s beyond can shine through these cards and you can get a glimpse of your purpose.
Your intense longing for something that’s not here.

They show you yourself, your life and battles in that day.
You recognize some of them too much and some are new.

There are rules to this card-game I feel:
-Don’t think you deserve better cards.
-Don’t take your cards for granted.
-Don’t take the easy way out.
-Do have patience if you can.
-Take breaks if possible.
-Don’t take it too seriously.
-Anything can happen, is possible.

I'm sorry, I didn't know that life was such a game.
A game that you have to play.
I forgot about the unwritten rules to follow and now I lost.
Everything.
No peace at all.
I said too much while I couldn't let you know.
Everything.
Too much for one person to carry.
But you can't share it or you loose.
Everything.
I'm sorry, I got angry while I didn't do what was expected.
The game of life we play.
I had too much to carry so I threw away the final thing that helped me.
The last thing.
Now I got nowhere to go.
I said too much and now there are these rules you must follow.
The last thing.
Too much information to carry.
So you have to share it or you fail and you're gonna be out forever.
The last thing.
I am sorry, I could not see clearly and I had to go back to the beginning.
Of the game of life again and again.
It never felt right and it's too much and now I lost.

Flurazepam sleep.
One at the start of the night, the next one at half past 3. Macrogool digestion, one glass before bedtime. Thyroid meds before breakfast. A blue pill for the overwhelming, the pain, the OCD stress. Anticonception, never having a kid in my life. And vitamins, and one allergies. But Flurazepam sleep or no sleep. Macrogool or no ****.  Thyroid meds or slow death. Blue pill or fast suicide hopefully. And no kid should have to live through this. A mom who can’t take care. And allergies are f*cking annoying! 😁

Be that mess.
You’ll get through it.
Again and again.

It’s draining and torturous.
So be that mess.
Embrace the dark.

Expect nothing.
Accept everything.
No matter how mean.

I've stopped trying to stop the bleeding.
But I can't ignore the stretching.
It's always hurting so I try to numb it.
When I think about death I never know what to expect.

Even though I'm pretty aware of what's out there.
A Matrix full of pain keeping you in chains and it's pulling on me.
But you know, when you feel sick all the time you need somebody to hold you tight.

I've seen my best friend block me because of secret activities he did with somebody.
Now the friend request still pending for me after he quit because she didn't want to leave her husband.
You're ashamed of me, right?

Can't sleep, got to eat, I'm tired, so tired, so drained, so heavy.
Always swear to myself I'll never beg for somebody's love anymore.
Still catch myself doing it.
Can't help but feeling sometimes that the love on this earth is just another lie to keep you in line.
I know love is real but it can be so much more real when it's free.
Think about it: when you're not either exhausted or sad, could you love better?

Or do you use love as another drug, like food, like smoke, like drinks, like meds...
Meds either numb you or maybe when you're depressed they can make you believe you're not sad.
If they help at all and not become another way to have you be the guinea pig to experiment on.

Give me money and I will put these meds in your system, treat you, feed you, feed you more (bull)****!
I'm over this nonsense, be real please.
I can cry everyday but I have no tears left but I constantly feel like I can't breathe.
Hold me, it's the only non-toxic way for me to not feel sick!

I've stopped trying to stop the longing.
I will always be longing as long as I'm living.
It's always hurting so I try to numb it.
But when I think about death I never know what to expect...

Even though I'm pretty aware of what's out there.
A Matrix full of pain keeping you in chains and it's pulling on me.
But you know, when you feel sick all the time you need somebody to hold you tight.

As I’m sitting here stuck again.
Every try is thrown back down by another noise.
A feeling stays.
Discomfort.
Too much.
Why do I try?
It’s takes so long to get anywhere.
It takes so much.
And then later hopefully there’s peace.
An evening with music and beer.
But before there’s a war.
And I never really win, I just get through it.

At some point in my journey I realised that undoing wouldn't be helpful.
That I should be grateful for all that I've learned, for how much we all have grown.
I am still very proud of all the people around me.
But I want to undo the picture they'll see when I leave.
And I wish I could leave.
Three gates I found and they didn't let me through.
I told the guards that the key was me.
It wasn't enough.
All the stars lined up for the perfect goodbye.
Except for the one thing that should have released me.
The key was ready but the lock didn't fit.
Now I know there's no other way but to rest for the next challenge to find the next gate.
I'm in these  tornadoes circling in and out not coming out.
But I won't come out of this world that I'm in without finding a better way out.
Cause this world that I'm in is not my home and it will never be though I tried to make it so.
People helped me to make it right.
Now we need peace.

Falling asleep finally.
After 3.
Dreaming about a woman with dark brown wavy hair.
A heavy stare.
And colours of fiery orange, red and yellow.
My name appears in white with a bow and arrow.
My first name and middle and they're a being split and seperated.
Looks like they're written like a word in a dictionary, a new word being created.
Sharon Yvon- Syon.
Does it mean anything, are things coming together again with a name?
With a bow and an arrow in a flame.

There's a lot going on with a lot of people.
A lot of people that I love.
And me.
There's a lot I want to do.
Instead I try my best to listen and burn a candle.
I tell some how brave they are.
And strong.
Inside I cry, think no one deserves this tension, terror, helplessness.
I get a group hug from my spirit guides.
I raise my hands up to the sky.
I sing a song.
Trying to be in the moment.
Loving, embracing.
The good things in life.
The contact, the connection, affection.
Come get that embrace.
I'll send it out as well.
Walking and singing being one with nature.
We're in this together.
I want to tell my friends: you're not alone.
You're never alone.
Warrior, soldier, viking.
You're divine, amazing, you can do it.
ALWAYS.
But it hurts.
So bad.
But you're a badass.
The fire burns inside your eyes.
The waves of your power go high.
You fly with your wing spread out wide.
The wind is with you.
So is the sky, the universe which you're a part of.
You're never alone.
EVER.
There's a lot going on with a lot of people in this world.
But it never lasts.
And nothing is important.
Only what we are.
INSIDE.
I try my best to be in the moment and burn a candle.

I’m melting in the wild fire.
Coming out as the rain.
As a flood I take you in my arms.
In the sky I’ll change from a strong wind into warm rays of sun coming through like a phoenix.

Like a raven in a bath of blood.
In your car when the sun goes down.
My eyes tired from the constant adrenaline and listening to all the noises.

Feeling everything and then being left all alone.
In a half dead place,
with a half dead face.
And a body that’s spreading itself out on the demp sand and grass.

I knew the way to Walhalla.
I fought and came out.
Still here in this world for now.
The fountain is where I walk to during the day.

The half dead place is where I enter the gate when it’s late.
And dark outside.
And lonely.
And bad.

So useless just wondering.
After a long fight, just escaping.
I know I have to be there now alone.
Odin told me to go.
So I listened.

Because I can never stay too long anywhere with anyone.
He knows, I know.
I’m melting in the wild fire that I caused.
That others cause before me.
They pulled me in.
Like a black raven in a blood bath.
And the sky will change.

I take you in my arms like a flood.
Into the warm rays of sun.
Coming through like a phoenix.

I'm not having any fun.
Sleeping till 2 pm.
Going to bed at midnight.
My body's not ready for the day.
Never anymore.
Not ready to be loving, not ready to be ready.
Self distruction because of feelings, heavy, clumsy.
Always so low or too high at tiny little moments in the day, fighting.
Trying to find space inbetween.
For peace.
For love.
For care.
For you.
For me.

Sick of learning and teaching.
I think I got it all.
This life has been so long already.
Let me be ready.
Ready for the move.
Ready for this love that I've been craving possibly all my life long.
It is not here, it can't be done here.
Doesn't fit with all my so lows and too high highs to come down from right.
Trying to find peace in everything.
Through walking.
Through dancing.
Through listening.
Through singing.
Through breathing.

Fresh air.
Fresh love.
Fresh life.
Fresh form.
Fresh space.

Being a fresh new being.
Being in a fresh new world.
Being with a fresh new loving.
Being a fresh new creation.
Developed into something.
Fresh and new.

A dark love story in a dark cave with little lights in the water.
Flowers on the walls.
Hands holding.

Sounds of songs echoing.
And a family of sisters and brothers.
Warm spots where the sun comes in.
Lying there.

A teardrop for the other side.
And dark eye for knowledge gained.
Bright eyes for still holding hope.
A stream of lights.

Collecting fallen stars.
Let’s eat them so they don’t go to waste.
We will not blossom but we escaped and we can finally be ok.
Loving in our darkness.

Like mermaids.
Eating sea plants.
Singing sweetly.
But dark sounding.
Lullabies.

I keep waiting.
I'm an idiot.
I run to you in agonizing pain.
The pain you caused me.

I'm just stupid.
I'm addicted.
I need to withdrawal from you.
But I don't want to.

Cause I hate life without you.
And I do love you.
But I keep on waiting.
For you to open up.
I know you can't take away my pain.
Like I can't take aways yours.

Although I'd really hold your naked body tight.
And maybe we'd even have a meaningful conversation.
About how to move forward.
Is there a way, can we at least try?
Or are we going to run around in circles.
And am I just gonna keep waiting.

There was an issue but no reason for blocking me.
Are you hiding something?
I'm an idiot.
I ran to you.
I couldn't bare the pain, the information you were sending.
I need to withdrawal from you.

But I love you.
What am I to you?
An idiot?
The waiting idiot.

I have no right to judge.
I am the same, I have become the same.
I have no reason to change, although I have someone I care about.
But my perception of life remains the same.
And I’m not able to help anyway.
Not more than I am now, which is from a distance.

So why should I stop what I’m doing?
I can only make steps towards any possibility of getting out of this.
But am I better or worse than the people that are toxic?
No, because I am too.
They are hurting, and so am I.
And nobody deserves to, but we are.
Toxic, hurting, irresponsible, human beings.

But I hope we will do our best, especially for the duties we got.
Having children is one.
Being a sibling is one as well
We may have a journey in life which we did not always ask for, it seems.
But we grow from it.
We need to somehow.
Like a task which for many is hard.
And for some it’s a too **** hard one to fulfill.

Parents aren’t always present.
And I hope that anyone will find anyone that will be there sometimes to care.
But we always got ourselves to blame first and need to have our own back when nobody else does.
These times are about changing patterns and behaviors.

Some of us are warriors in this battle.
Some of us are still trying to escape.
And for some, it seems too late.
They have died, but yet are still here, can’t be saved, can’t escape.
Not completely.
They are not sleeping, they are dead people.
Still walking the earth trying to manage what’s left of their existence.

Such darkness, so little of what you deserve. The pain keeps on running like cold waterfalls of mud. There’s no comfort. I don’t give you the love that you should be given. I am a dark stream. And you try to swim but we’re going down under over and over. And I can’t breathe. But I love being under if the water’s not so cold. And you make it warmer. But I can’t make the waterfalls calm down at all. I try every day and night. The ******* fish are swimming and so are the gold fish that we’re both killing. Every night I see them coming. And dying. I see their bones lying in the field. In the dark. I don’t know what this all means. I don’t know why we’re doing this. There’s no end to this fight until I’m burned up and dry. Like a red rose in the night sky forever. Your lady of the waters, the dark waters and the blue dress floating. I’m forever a red rose bending if I’m not like a lady of the dark waters in a blue dress. And a red rose in the night.

I’ve come to put a limit to your pain.
To early cold morning tears.
Chug me down like a special beer.
Today is where the flowers bloom and the wind is light.
You’re running free, the dewy sky brings you to life.

Everything is dark.
But you’re fighting for your freedom.
And I’ve come to the rescue.
I’m your music and your special place inside.
I’m your first sip of a perfect tea.
And I’m the arms you wake up in.

I’m safety and freedom.
I block out the noise.
I set you free like a dove.
I’m everything you dream of.
Everything that’s inside.
Of you.

I’m yours and I won’t leave, I will love you till the end and beyond.
I’m the reflection from your eyes.
I’m the colors that are with you and the darkness full of magic.
I’m the Christmas lights.
I’m the sparkling sea.
I’m the deep dive.
The crying rain.
The thunder and lightning.
The fireworks.

By one touch you will feel me all over.
And I’m overwhelming you in the best way.
But you can’t always reach me.
I’m rare to find.
But when I’m there everything is right and your dreams are bright.

In this world you can’t be with me most of the time.
I’m just the longing that keeps you dreaming loving the feeling.
I’m that one special person.
That place underground.
Inside your super conscious.

Stuck in transition.
Don't guide me.
I'm not like any of the things you show.
I'm all the colours which makes me darkness, heavy and ill.
Around here I can't function.
All I do is keep on trying.
Just to make it ok enough to last a little longer.
I wish everything would fall away alltogether.
So that would be my que to leave.

I'd run and fly as fast and far away to a place where I feel ok.
Still also keep on fighting from there for this to never happen
to anybody ever again!
But I'm still stuck in transition now.
It hurts and gets extremely exhausting.
I may just break through this soon anyway.

Enough trying to make it right has been done and it will keep on hurting.
Don't guide me, I've asked for it before.
It brought me only to places of horror.
Only some good people that gave me so much magic in this world of pain and suffering.
But I'm not like any of the things you show.
The people I met seem to not be also but close to Blue Ray, I felt at least with one.

May they all find peace and destiny.
They don't need guidance, they are their own guides through life but they need love and peace.
To gather their strength.
It's too late for me now, I just need to leave when I can.
I'm all the colours which makes me darkness, heavy and ill.
Around here I can't function.

Purple lights through the heavy curtains being shut.
I'll go with the same intense energy.
As the purity of my rage, my love.
My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.

I drop my body backwards into this deep dark river.
It's cold but I only feel it for a moment.
I land at a place where the idea of you is true.
And you're not just digging your nails into my hands but holding them forever.

Now I'm hanging by your hands above the deep river that scares you.
Apparently I scare you, offend you, I offended you so bad that you'll never forget.
Good, I hope you'll never forget.
Now drop me, I'm not scared, I've been there, you're always near.

Maybe you should jump in with me some day.
Swim with me and hold my hand.
It will only hurt for a moment.
And your life will hurt a lifetime.
With or without me.

My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.
Just to show you how the truth's been covered up for you ever since you opened your eyes.

Purple lights, you call them fake.
They are the truth coming through like the purity of your rage and my love for you.
I'll come to you with the same energy that offended you.
Just because I love you and want to show you every side of the story.

Before the veils fall down again and the heavy curtains are being shut forever.
Grab my hand and dig your nails into the inside of my fingers before letting go again.
I'm not a sucker of your energy like you feared I would be.
Not a sucker, just a feeler.

And a teller of stories.
Just like you but in a different language.
With different endings.
Different characters.
Stranger places.
With purple lights and endless views.
With background music that you never heard.

Your first time.
First concert.
Greatest offense.
First time in the dark deep river.
I'll hold your hand.
Even though you fear me.
You can trust me.

We'll go with the same intense energy.
And we're connected.
You'll hear/see/feel from me!
As the purity of our rage and love drops over this world as we run all over it together.
Your eyes can tell me that they know of the purple light, but you've been told it wasn't real.

It's more real than this world, don't you know by now?
Grab my hand when you seek for anything different.
My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.
But I keep my eyes open just to let you spot the purple light.
And I let you decide for yourself how fake it looks this time.
What do you feel/see/hear?

Just energy, where would you be?
Moving through the universe being able to feel/hear/see through the dark blue river.
It wasn't everything but it changed everything, this life, meeting each other.
It wasn't the ending when I closed my eyes.
When the heavy curtains shut.
You've seen the light, now go outside.

I just want a save place to cry and recover.
You can come by.
But I need space and escaping.
Too much is happening.
You and I are doing everything we can.
But it feels like not living most of the time for me.
Surviving torture, just having to still deal with everything.
Life, sensitivity, overwhelming, ocd...
Trying to make things ok, tired and broken.
I want to not feel trapped in life keeping me down.
I want to cycle under bridges screaming, I want to sing and create something.
How can I somehow feel this through all of this happening?
Moving again, changes, draining things, waiting.
You are the reason I’m still willing to give in.
Give in to life because of giving in to love.

If I’d just confessed to you exactly what I feel. Exactly what I’d want. Would you be glad to know? Or would you rather have me say nothing? Change nothing and let you be? What do you want? I never know. You are so busy and so occupied. There seems to be no time for love in this life! Or no energy. I get it. Alone time is precious but so are these moments. These moments shared. But what if it’s not right? What if it won’t work? We’ll only know if we try.

But maybe you don’t care. Or maybe you’re just happy to be fine all alone. Just like the way I feel after surviving all these fights. Again and again. Exhausted. But you have to live a little too? Not just experience the pain. Maybe I can help. Or maybe I make it worse. Or both. Probably both. I’m good with that. Destroying you while turning you upside down. I’m like alcohol. Sometimes you throw me up, sometimes I’m the escape of all the misery you face…

Not sleeping or constantly waking.
No comfort, no mercy.
Having to go on but it hurts to live.
I want to sleep.
Without being afraid that the mattress will sink.
The sounds will keep waking me when I'm just in peace.
So up doing laundary cause I'm already losing the days.
Unable to go to the pharmacy in time.
Cause trying to sleep in when I can....
Needing time.
Needing sleep.
Needing peace.
Needing escape.
Never any mercy.
Nothing's ever working.
And I'm trying but I'm so over it.
So depressed.
Broken body and mind.
OCD, intrusive thoughts, sensitivity, overwhelmed constantly.

Sometimes you want it to be over,
sometimes you can hold on a little longer.
Sometimes the peace comes from within.
Sometimes somebody else let’s you in.
Holding you, you holding them.
You holding on to whatever keeps you fighting.
And you hold a peaceful body of a person that you love who’s still sleeping.

A peaceful night behind you.
That’s how life rewards a warrior for the courageous fight, continue.
You’re doing well.
You have something special.
You have something special coming.

Trust in it, trust it all.
Ancient warrior, holding your loved one.
Ancient warrior, the fight will never be done.
Not in this world and this life.
So maybe go outside one time and see what you like.....
Something special is coming.

To live in this world.
The bravest thing you’ll ever do.
This world is divided, hard, unfair as can be and killing.
Cold and uncomfortable!
Let’s hope that the world beyond this one is better.
Nothing, not being a thing turning into something.
Horror vacui!
And everything will change once more.
Nothing will stay nothing.
Beyond a brain.
Spiritual realm.

Today I felt so lonely in my mental state that I gave a homeless man ice cream.
I had seen him standing there and sitting there in the same spot days before.
He was there again with his head in the sun bending down.

He told me that he lives in a tent.
But soon he would be staying at a hotel or even move to America with a group of people.
You could smell them from a distance, but what do you expect?

So I let him pick his favorite ice cream flavors.
He was friendly and I could tell that he was alright from his energy.
This is how two lonely people who don’t feel at home share a moment.
And it’s a little awkward.

But it’s better than to stay in your bubble.
That’s what it felt like.
And I hope it felt the same for him.
Just a moment to be seen and heard and not be all alone in your head.

Or sitting on the bricks in the center of the city he grew up in.
While I have traveled a bit through the country, but never found my home actually.
But I did meet amazing people, and I did have my adventures.
And now I don’t know what the next part of my life looks like.
Just like him holding on.

Although I have a very safe place, my mind is not, but I can’t complain.
I have everything I need.
Not like this man.
He only has the ice cream I just gave him this afternoon just out of my own loneliness. 🍨🍦

I’m not afraid of death.
Nothing ever stays the same.
And when I get the slightest form of a feeling of being at home somewhere I lose it again.

I did receive my soulfamily but never a lover.
I couldn’t have one either cause I’m never at home anywhere.
Always moving away, never at ease, being too wilde and yet too tired.

So, no I’m not afraid of death and I’ve seen my path making sense.
It wasn’t in vain even though it’s always been so rough, nearly impossible.
But there’s a space for everything at every time.

What I am afraid of is dying, the process, doing it alone especially.
Not knowing where the journey ends.
But when the journey here will end I’m sure I’d be content.

But how it will is what scares me.
Letting go of my body and everything I know.
Although I was never at home somehow I can’t let it go on my own.
And I’m not sure when I can.

I don't want to hurt you.
But I leave you alone.
For now.
Cause it's not working, devastating.
The bubble bursting again from the tension.
Help, I'm hurting.... you.

Are you ok?
I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.
About this.
About us.
It's not right.
We stopped dreaming.

But I never want to hurt you.
If it doesn't fit with who I am in this lifetime I have to be honest.
I hate to be this mess, to chose the fight instead of the comfort.
The love that we share is always gonna be there, I still care.
It's all just so unfair, painful, brutal battles.

Help, I'm hurting you.
Painful truth, horrible battles to fight again.
Life is never easy.
Never peaceful.
Intense and heavy.
From start to end.
And now something ends and something else is beginning again.
But I hate to hurt you and leave you.

Help, I don't want to hurt you.
But I leave you alone.
For now.
Cause it's not working, devastating.
The bubble bursting again from the tension.
Help, I'm hurting.

YOU.

Every sound hurts
Everything reminds me of you
Sometimes I convince myself I’m over you now.
But you always come back.

I still got my list of things to pack for when I see you.
But I got enough freedom and friends and things that I can do Instead.
It all just doesn’t feel right, I’m getting tired and despise it.
I’m so over starting over.

This world has gone madder and madder and it makes me want to distance myself.
But when I do and I’m with you I feel like I can do everything and anything I want to!
Are you coming back?
Or am I doing this alone once more?

It’s ok for a little moment.
But don’t stay away from me when I have to live.
I need you!
Although I’m free in the moment and I convinced myself I’m over you.

I’m so over starting over.
I’m so over being all alone all over.
Even though there’s enough people and things to do.
They’re never really fitting even though I feel so free.

Just being alone and free to do anything.
Are you coming with me?
Sometime soon?
Please do.

I died, I saw my face change.
I cried, I saw my eyes change.
I stared while talking to you in the mirror.
I told you this can’t go on.
It’s not working.
Though I want to love so bad.
And so you told me you’re still just living your life.
And receiving my love.
I died in your arms and I don’t recognize myself.
I cried in your arms and rubbed my eyes.
So hard that they’re in a different position forever.
I stared till I saw exactly in your face how much you care.
I told you this can’t go on forever.
You showed me the long lifeline on my hand.
First thick and only getting thinner and all wonky.
That’s some cruel fate.
And I did want to try living but I keep on dying.
I told you I wanted to try for you.
Receiving your love.
I’m too tired, stiff and dead and I keep on crying.
It’s not working.
It’s not living even though I’m breathing.
Trying to relax, dying.
Though I want to love so bad.
And I have to live so long.
Or break the unbreakable fate somehow.....
But not yet cause right now I’m here dying and crying in your arms.